Good morning, and welcome to your Thursday edition of Shitbox Showdown! This week we’re featuring suggestions by all of you, taken from our Discord server, and you have not disappointed. Today we’re upping the price range by quite a lot to look at a Fiero with delusions of grandeur and a very pretty old British lady.
Yesterday’s vote was, shall we say, decisive. That poor half-dead AMC Concord never stood a chance. Honestly, I wish somebody would buy it and fix it up, but that somebody won’t be me, and apparently it won’t be ninety-two percent of you either. The big green Dodge land barge sailed to an easy victory, despite not currently being able to make way under its own steam.
A derelict Mopar that color makes me think of my grandfather, and his cluttered property in Kansas. He had a house, a huge barn, and half a dozen other outbuildings of various sizes, all packed to the rafters with assorted junk. Some of it was really interesting, but most of it was just scrap, bits and pieces he’d collected over the years and then forgotten about. He was an inventor and engineer, and he gathered up parts for things he thought he might need for various projects. My cousin and I once found a Plymouth station wagon behind the barn, the same green as this Dodge, that he had simply forgotten he bought. It didn’t run, either.
Moving on: Exotics aren’t really our thing around here, but I know an intriguing car to write about when I see one, and you all have given me two. One isn’t really all that exotic once you get past the bodywork, and the other is far too classy to be seen in a rap video like its newer progeny. Still, either one would definitely turn heads. Let’s see what you make of them.
1985 Pontiac Fiero with Lamborghini Countach body kit – $20,000
Engine/drivetrain: Doesn’t say, but probably a 2.8 liter V6, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Odometer reading: 85,000 miles
Operational status: I think it runs and drives? Ad isn’t very clear
Pontiac Fieros are cool. Small, low-slung, mid-engined, and agile, they had an inauspicious start, but like many GM products, grew into themselves nicely – just in time to be killed off. Lamborghini Countachs are cool too. Also small, also low, also with an engine behind the seats, albeit with twice the number of cylinders, as well as fragile and unattainable except by a fortunate few. But what about a Fiero that has been made to look like a Countach? Is that cool?
Well, apparently some people think so. I think the idea is kind of silly, myself. But it’s a popular enough idea that full body kits exist. I can’t actually find any for sale, so I don’t know who made this kit. I did find images of other Countach kits, as well as Diablos, Murcielagos, even Miuras. Or at least, kind of; like most kit cars, they’re all just a little “off.” It looks all right at first glance – vertical doors, NACA ducts, and that signature big rear wing are all present and accounted for – but the proportions and details aren’t right.
Worse, the donor Fiero used suffers from one of the greatest indignities ever visited upon any small sporty car: an automatic transmission. The seller doesn’t specify which engine is in this car, but I can’t imagine putting all that work into an Iron Duke-powered car. I’m assuming it has at least the optional 2.8 liter 60-degree V6, but it might have something even spicier under there. 3.8 liter V6s are popular Fiero engine swaps; it’s still no Lamborghini V12, but it’s a step in the right direction.
It’s unfinished, and, somehow fittingly, wears Florida license plates, even though the car is in Pennsylvania. The seller says it needs interior work, and “some other work.” At least you know the exhaust is finished, I guess. I wonder how many of those pipes are functional?
1972 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow – $29,972
Engine/drivetrain: 6.75 liter overhead valve V8, three-speed automatic, RWD
Location: Sheridan, IN
Odometer reading: 94,000 miles
Operational status: Runs beautifully, it sounds like
But perhaps you’re looking for a more subtle approach to a custom car. Something distinctive, but distinguished. May I interest you in one of the finest motorcars ever to come out of Crewe? The Silver Shadow was a technological masterpiece in its day, with disk brakes, independent rear suspension, and a self-leveling hydropneumatic suspension system licensed from Citroën. It was a handsome car to begin with, but this one has some custom touches that make it really stand out. The custom work was done when the car was new, in 1973.
This big Shadow is powered by the famous “six and three-quarter litre” V8, for which no horsepower figures were published by Rolls-Royce; contemporary literature only listed the engine’s output as “sufficient.” It’s backed by a GM Turbo 400 Hydramatic automatic transmission, which seems like an odd choice, but it’s one of the best automatics available at the time. Between the smooth engine and transmission, and that “floating on a cloud” French suspension, I can only imagine what the ride is like in this car. It’s something I’d love to experience someday.
This is a long-wheelbase Silver Shadow, which in the car’s second series was renamed Silver Wraith. Some of these had limousine dividers, but I don’t see one here. It’s still a car you’re more likely to be driven in than drive. It’s in lovely condition, with perfect glossy paint outside and just the right amount of wear on the leather and wood inside. The modern aftermarket stereo in the center console is unfortunate; if it were me, I would have installed a completely hidden modern sound system. But what to play on the stereo in such a magnificent automobile? I have my ideas, but you tell me, in the comments.
I quite like the custom work on the front of this car, with the large single headlights and “Frenched” fog lights. Combined with the classic waterfall grille, they give the car a ’50s Bentley feel, and that’s not a bad thing. The rear wheel skirts, I’m less sure about. But maybe that’s just me.
You won’t be able to fly under the radar in either one of these. The Fieroghini is going to draw a huge crowd, and a ton of questions once onlookers realize it isn’t a real Countach. Any Rolls-Royce, parked anywhere except Rodeo Drive, will get attention, and anyone who knows what a stock Silver Shadow looks like will want to know more about this one. Subtle they aren’t, nor cheap, but fun? Oh yeah. Which one is more your style?
(Image credits: Fiero – Facebook Marketplace seller; Rolls-Royce – Craigslist seller)
When the Rolls breaks down you get picked up by a limo full of super-models. When the Fiero breaks down you get picked up by the cops.
The Chauffeur by Duran Duran, obviously.
I assume that the 12 ‘exhaust’ pipes are actually connected to a Spyhunter style smoke screen so I can hide the attrocites commited to this poor Fiero as I drive away?
I think they’re organ pipes that play “Rinky Dink” by Dave “Baby” Cortez, as it drives down the street.
Maybe they shoot paintballs at people to blind them from having to look at it
I’ve often wanted to mount paintball guns fore and aft for “special” occasions.
Now I am going to have the chiptune version of the theme from Peter Gunn stuck in my head all day!
I voted Fiero.
The Rolls is nice. The Fiero needs help. I figure someone will take the Rolls, but for the sake of autodom, I want to bring the Fiero back to a state of sanity. And swap in a manual transmission.
Otherwise, what would we tell the children? Other than, “We used up your college fund on this.”
you can get a last year Fiero GT with a manual for around 20k, no need to reverse engineer this turd.
The wheel skirts on the rear of the Roller are period-appropriate. Many luxury and luxury-aspirational cars were wearing them at the time, I remember. Not only that, but you could get aftermarket skirts for damn near everything up to and including Beetles.
As for appropriate tunes:
“I Drove All Night,” Cyndi Lauper
“Coming Up Close,” Til Tuesday
“Wolf Totem,” The HU
“Plush,” STP
“Crazy,” Gnarls Barkley
“Chandelier,” APB Twisted Measure A Capella (Sia)
“Crazy,” APB Alanis Morrisette (Seal)
“Shosholoza” (traditional, just choose one – an excellent choice to keep you grounded while driving a Rolls)
Five minutes of silence
“Road to Nowhere,” Talking Heads
“Sign Your Name,” Terence Trent D’Arby
“Just Another Day,” Jon Secada
“Tin Man,” America
“Suite: Judy Blue Eyes,” CSN
Three minutes of silence
“Rebel Rebel,” David Bowie
“Bartender,” Dave Matthews Band
“Separate Ways,” Daughtry ft. Lzzy Hale
“Dreamline,” Rush
Dreamline is one of my favorites for ending a trip, it comes to an almost crashing but fully satisfying, short, sharp stop. One last BANG, and it’s over. You’ve arrived.
This is good for about 100-120 miles, depending on how you drive.
This is an excellent playlist.
It’s hard to conceive of anything to directly follow “Judy Blue Eyes,” or to lead in to “Rebel Rebel.” One is practically three songs rolled into one, and the other…well, shoot, just listen to it. It’s what they play as you step into the ring for your debut wrestling match.
Out of curiosity, I played them back-to-back earlier, and the transition works better than you might guess. The final “doot doot doodoot” leading straight into that perfect “Rebel Rebel” guitar riff is actually a solid segue.
Dude, I’ve searched the songs, an impressive list indeed. I’ve never heard ‘Til Tuesday until now, they don’t belong to this planet. Thank you for pointing them to us.
The Rolls all day. The Fiero would be worth more to me bone stock That would at least be something for me to really make this a choice.
As for the music in the Rolls, what about that middle eastern song from Three Kings? I don’t know the name.
The Lambiero’s full pipe organ exhaust makes me kind of want to buy it and drive around playing some Brahms at maximum volume, but in the grand scheme of things I’d be much happier quietly cruising in that cushy Roller.
I misread the price on the Fiero as $2k, and thought; “that seems about right, if it runs.” After reading some comments I realized my mistake and I am joining the F-off crowd.
I’ll take the Rolls, and add “Basketball Jones” to the playlist. IFKYK
Needs more tailpipes. How is that thing supposed to breathe anyway?
Rolls, although my wife would probably make me drive her around while she sat in back.
Add “Bonin’ in the Boneyard” by Fishbone and “Peaches” by the Stranglers to the soundtrack.
Anything by Bob Marley or Lee Perry but there better be a big cloud of smoke in there at that price.
The shot of the big antenna on the Fiero at least gave me a giggle. It looks like a big RC car. In fact, maybe the body kit came from somewhere like Tamiya?
It actually looks a lot like the Shinsei Lamborghinis that Radio Shack used to rebrand and sell, now that you mention it.
The Rolls rolls. The $$$$ question is does it stop.
Oh no contest, Rolls all day every day. Though I will have to invest in a tweed suit and cap and a silver tipped walking stick.
“But what to play on the stereo in such a magnificent automobile?”
Grandmaster Flash – White Lines
Glen Frye – Smugglers Blues
Jan Hammer – Miami Vice Theme
David Bowie – Space Oddity
David Bowie – Ashes to Ashes
Peter Schilling – Major Tom
Golden Earring – Radar Love
Elton John – Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting
Golden Earring – Twilight Zone
Meatloaf – Bat Out Of Hell (full version)
The Who – We Don’t Get Fooled Again
You want more? I got more!
I don’t know if the custom work really improves the Rolls, but it definitely makes it more distinctive. That Fiero thing can fuck right off. Rolls all day long, with “The Life Pursuit” by Belle and Sebastian providing the soundtrack.
I think we’ve reached the point where all those Lamborghini replicas would be more valuable if they’d been left as Fieros. For 20 grand I’d rather have a pristine real Fiero than a shoddy fake Lambo.
A classy period-modified Rolls will always hold its value.
I suspect that Fiero kit builders manage to crack those plastic body panels and the baulk at the price of OEM replacements. That still doesn’t make it right.
Rolls all day.
And what to play on the stereo while driving it?
Korn!
I would play Cannibal Corpse like I do in the fancy MB.
That Rolls is a whole lotta car for the money, and the Fiero is not. At half the price, I’d be tempted to drive the non-Lambo, but it’s a poor face-off with a decently priced, nice condition classic. After replacing the stereo, probably with Bluetooth, I’d play a lot of late ’60s, early ’70s stuff: psychedelic Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and Pink Floyd. No temptation to paint the Rolls crazy colors, though.
I don’t believe that I’ve ever seen a Lambo with a Calliope exhaust option. I assume it’s aftermarket!? (☉_ ☉)
(What an abomination and a total waste of resources! ) (((smh))
Rolls for me!
Rolls for me. All of a sudden, I want to quit my job at the university and become a Lyft driver. As for tunes, anything by Steely Dan.
No quiero el Fiero.
The Rolls Royce will do as long as it comes with a chauffeur named Oddjob sporting a bowler with a chakram in the brim.
Roller (loyalists hate this nickname) playlist:
Go All the Way, Raspberries
Take it Easy, Eagles
Rocks Off, Rolling Stones
I Can See Clearly, Bobby Douglas
Mama We’re All Crazee Now, Slade
Run to Me, Bee Gees
If You Don’t Know Me By Now, Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes
Heart of Gold, Neil Young
It Never Rains in Southern California, Albert Hammond
Lean on Me, Bill Withers
Brandy, Looking Glass
It’s So Nice to Be With You, Gallery
Papa was a Rolling Stone, Temptations
Too Late To Turn Back Now, Cornelius Bothers and Sister Rose
Backstabbers, The O’Jays
Listen to the Music, The Doobie Brothers
The City of New Orleans, Arlo Guthrie
Everybody Plays the Fool, Main Ingredient
Rocket Man, Elton John
Nice.
You win a tip o’ the cap with Arlo Guthrie. That’s a perfect driving song.
Nice list but I do like the Johnny Cash version a little more.
My soundtrack for the Rolls: the album ‘(What’s the Story,) Morning Glory?’ by Oasis on loop.
I support this idea.
Same here!
https://www.theautopian.com/shitbox-showdown-the-british-are-back-in-the-cape-fear/
If the Fiero was black I would go with it, but thats because Ive watched cannonball run too many times.
The Fiero needs a double wing-ectomy.
The Fiero is like those baggy t-shirts with muscle outlines that you wear to the beach. Or a Mini painted like the General Lee. It’s not meant to be taken seriously. Whoever drives it is not going to try and claim they drive a lambo.
I like it as a silly joke car, but it’s priced at least $12,000 too high.
Former owner of a Fiero here. Fiero = No. Fiero with a body kit = Oh, HELL NO!
I mourn for every wasted Fiero. And I believe we are well on course for back-to-back landslide victories.