The thing about cars named after places is that usually, someone will eventually want to drive them to their namesake. Okay, so it’s unlikely we’ll see a Chevrolet Monte Carlo in Monte Carlo, but someone’s definitely driven an Alfa Romeo Stelvio up the Stelvio Pass, and I wouldn’t be surprised if someone’s taken a Chrysler Sebring for a flyer around the famous Floridian racing circuit. But what if you want to take a Kia Telluride to Telluride?
Well, I wouldn’t recommend going via Black Bear Pass. This craggy trail starts at the summit of Red Mountain Pass, ends down in Telluride, and used to be marked with the following sign.
TELLURIDE ➞
CITY OF GOLD 12 MILES – 2 HOURS
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO DRIVE THIS ROAD – BUT IT HELPS
JEEPS ONLY
As you can imagine, it’s not the sort of environment best suited to a three-row crossover utility vehicle, but that didn’t stop one driver from messing around and finding out the hard way. According to the San Miguel County Sheriff, “A South Carolina man drove his Kia Telluride up the one way road on Black Bear Rd, despite being advised not to do so by people in the area.” Care to guess what happened next?
Yep, I’d call that properly stuck. Whether the Telluride slid off the trail or the driver took the wrong line, this crossover seems to be beached. We’re talking enough rocks under the car to lift a tire, not to mention the precarious position this vehicle’s been put in. It’s also worth mentioning that this appears to have happened on one of the easier parts of the trail. Things get far more difficult than this, and the Telluride’s modest eight inches of ground clearance, long 114.2-inch wheelbase, open differentials, highway tires, and low-hanging chin spoiler all conspire to make it a machine more fit for the school run than running trails.
Even a base Jeep Wrangler 4 Door has 9.7 inches of ground clearance and a crawl ratio for multiplying torque at the wheels, and while its wheelbase is longer than that of the Telluride, it does sport significantly better approach and departure angles. (Even the most capable Telluride has an approach angle of only 18 degrees, and a departure angle of just 23.2; a base Wrangler 4-door has over a 41 degree approach angle and 36 degree departure angle).
While a lapse in judgement seems to have occurred, the driver appears to have been lucky. That’s quite a drop-off to the left, so getting hung up on rocks is probably a best-case scenario. Unfortunately, the Telluride is now in need of a tow, and the sheriff says “it is unknown at this point when this can happen.” Given that just going around the Telluride might not be the safest option, the famed road is now closed, meaning that a Telluride is now blocking a road to Telluride.
When the entrance to a road recommends short-wheelbase four-wheel-drive vehicles only, it might be a good idea to take it seriously. If you want to drive a Telluride to Telluride, don’t be this driver, just take highway 145. It’s way easier that way.
Top graphic image: San Miguel County Sheriff
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I’m tired of so many things being ruined by selfish fucks and effectively closed forever. That pickup on the tracks in TN comes to mind so that’s something I can take off the bucket list. Hopefully the same doesn’t befall Black Bear although I recognize I’m probably not going to tackle it.
Other photos of this incident show scribbles in the dust on the hatch window that look like a concha pastry hovering above the features of a face squinting in laughter, looking down on writing that begins “ Yo Dawg…”