With the arrival of my beautiful child Delmar (not his real name), I find myself with a problem: My one safe, childworthy car also happens to be my newest, and it also happens to be in mint condition. And I mean mint. It is a car I love so much that I spent a small fortune on it, and I plan to keep it for as long as I live. This is why I take extra care of it, but I’m worried that my child will not. In fact, I’m sure he won’t, which is why I need a plan to protect it from this his destructive tendencies. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
I was a kid once, and so were my five brothers, so I’m intimately aware of how careless children can be. I remember taking my bicycles out of the garage as a kid, and the number of times my sharp metal handlebar — whose rubber grip had been shredded off from all my crashes — scratched the side of our family’s Chevy Astro van is more than I care to count. That poor paint.
And the interior? Oh man, we vomited in it, we sat our muddy and wet butts on those seats, we got fishing hooks stuck in the headrests, we spilled every possible food all over — it was brutal. And then our dog just added to the mayhem.
My wife and I don’t have a dog yet, but I could see one on the horizon; right now, though, I want to focus on this child, because I shouldn’t let his smiley face fool me — this little guy will do a number on my BMW i3 unless I do something about it:
I’ve already started with a full PPF job. While the materials were provided by XPEL, and the installation was discounted by our sister-company Galpin, I still paid a few grand for this job, and I’ll tell you right away: It was worth it for the peace-of-mind — I’ve stopped having that recurring bicycle handlebar nightmare, and thoughts of Delmar swinging the door open onto a parking garage column no longer live in my head rent-free.
But that’s just the exterior — that’s the least of my worries. While my family’s Chevy Astro van’s interior actually managed to hold up remarkably well, that was a utilitarian machine meant for tough people-hauling duty. My BMW i3’s cabin is a hipster’s paradise, with “Kenaf” fibers making up the door panels, olive leaf-died leather on the seats and door panels, and — perhaps most worrying — wool. Lots of light-colored wool.
I am deeply concerned about the future of this wool. Will my child rub food or paint or excrement or whatever it is that children rub against mint-condition BMW i3 interior wool surfaces?
I can protect the seats reasonably well, I think, with some basic covers that go over the bench. In fact, it turns out BMW sells an OEM seat protector (see above)! I think that’s just to keep the child seat from rubbing against the seat (and the thing on the right is to cover the front seatback), so it really doesn’t offer a ton of coverage. Maybe I need something bigger, like this:
The manufacturer, Weathertech, even shows photos of dastardly child-behavior as proof that this seat-cover can handle a toddler:
Seriously? Cheerios? Why is the cup on its side; kid, pick it up! It’s just sitting there, spilling!
Oh lord, what? The animal crackers I can give a pass; we all lose one or two on its way from the bag to down the hatch, and the toys are going to trap sand — that’s hard to avoid. I don’t love the sideways cup, but it’s the sunscreen that’s killin’ me here! What the heck, kid?! Why is the sunscreen cap open, and why is there all this creme on the seatcover?
And… what are those on the front passenger’s seatback? Markers?! Absolutely not! Look at what this menace is doing with cups and sunscreen and crackers; there’s no chance they should have access to markers!
Sorry, I need to relax. But this is making me nervous! You know what else is making me nervous? My coworkers, who have not provided me any reassurance on this topic:
My god; two year-old carrots!
Maybe I should have a “no food in i3” policy, but I do have concerns because… I mean, I want my kid to eat and be happy. And lord knows, if he’s like me, he’ll want nothing more than to jam some McDonald’s french fries into his face during a roadtrip.
Anyway, I think the seat cover above will do the job, and the PPF will protect the outside, and I already have floor mats:
But there are two major issues that I still need to solve. The first is the seatback, which even on a normal car is a vulnerable spot, since children tend to kick seatbacks. But the i3 needs more than the BMW OEM seatback cover I showed before, because the seatback is a piece of off-white cloth that’s being stretched taught across a central opening.
Literally one swift kick will tear the fabric, and even if somehow the fabric holds up, it definitely won’t avoid stains.
So my plan is to buy some fairly stiff seatback protectors to prevent that fabric from tearing. Something like this:
My bigger worry is the rear armrests, because though I can protect the rear seat cushion and front seatbacks, what can I do about these lightly-colored wool armrests? I can’t really put a cover on them given their shape:
My colleague Thomas suggested “CQuartz Fabric 2.0,” which is a spray described as a “super-hydrophobic barrier that repels water and stains, whilst resisting abrasion, UV fading, alkaline and acid attack for up to 12 months.”
Hmm, looks like our friends at XPEL might have something similar. Does this stuff actual work? Will it permanently alter my beautiful wool? I’ll have to look into it.
In any case, I’m worried, because so many people have told me that I’m doomed, and to just embrace the destruction that will inevitably take place inside one of the most gorgeous automotive cabins ever designed. I’m not sure I can.
[Looks over at Delmar. Sees him spitting up milk and excreting strangely yellowish poos]. Yeah, maybe I am doomed.
Top Photo: Depositphotos.com/David Tracy
Delmar, for those wondering, is the name of the chief engineer of the WWII Jeep. Delmar “Barney” Roos. A total legend.
By the way, thank you all for your feedback! I’m reading every comment.
Best wishes for all of you.
Thank you!
Thank you for the explanation. You are now forgiven. 😉
And here I thought it was short for the DelMarVa peninsula.
I’m just glad it’s a pseudonym because every time I read it I think “old Delmar” thanks to Bing Crosby and living close to the Del Mar horse track and seeing their ads on TV.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxSnJZkH1KY
I’m still partial to Ferrous.
Bueller?
I’m thinking “Baller” depending on how pimped out that i3 ends up becoming.
Ferrous “Rusty” Baller. Has a nice ring to it, no?
Hahaha!
I’m too old to figure out the perfect programming to handle a website that handles comment threads perfectly, but this one deserves better than what we have now. But I have ideas.
Matt, or whoever webmaster this gets to, I have a suggestion.
When I get to the end of an article and scroll past the mini-bio of who wrote it, can YOU PLEASE show the first chronological page comment/response/correction. NOT the most recent. The original.
And then show, an option to read to read the second level responses to the first level responses. Rather than clutter up the screen with a bunch of stuff that isn’t interesting to us, the end user.
Instead of the most recent responses that I don’t get the context of because I read the article after they did and made their comments.
And I say that as a base-level velour member. So, not as an investor, but also not a zero-level feces-thrower.
And, while you’re at redesigning “THE Autopian” 2.0 or whatever version you might do, give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that.
“give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that”
Isn’t that what the smily face under each post is for?
It’s too binary for me.
It’s also the name of a town about fifteen miles from me, on the Delaware-Maryland state line.
I saw that town on signs heading to Salisbury, MD from BWI. The trip to Salisbury, UK, was far more enjoyable.
That makes more sense than what we thought on the discord- that you had a movie night of ‘O brother, where art thou?’
“I’m a Dapper Dan man!”
Rusty was right there.
We’ve owned 3 i3s and had little kids in all of them.
The official BMW i “Function Cover” is great. Good quality (since we’ve been using it for 10 years now), soft on one side, water resistant on the other side without being plasticky, loops to attach to headrests, holes for belts in the right places.
It’s a must-have for kids+i3, IMO. We still use it in our other vehicles even now that we don’t have an i3 anymore.
I think it’s discontinued, but somebody might have one, like these guys:
https://parts.bmwoforlandpark.com/p/Bmw__i3/i-Function-Cover/71999159/51472348066.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqYy_TS_rdlfWbyv6yXtvu5wcJ1V2Gd246npgwcGBXfN6cFz4ff
As the owner/operator of 2 of these things (children – I only have 1 i3), please allow me to give you unsolicited car-related parenting tips:
1) Always have the kid on the passenger side in the rear. Assuming most of your trips with da baby will be with one parent, this will dramatically limit the number of seatback kicks you will experience. Just push the pass. seat all the way forwards.
2) Goo is the enemy. Children are wonderful and awesome and filthy and sticky and disgusting. They eventually grow out of it, to an extent. Protect the seats, even though the leather will help. We have a no-sticky-food rule. But vomiting will happen.
2.5) So much vomiting. Oh my god.
3) Never leave a used diaper in the car “because you’ll get it out later”. Ever. This should be self-explanatory. But if not, I … will not explain further.
4) Honestly the biggest issue we’ve had in the i3 is people tossing “stuff” onto the countertop in front of the center display, which is made of very shatterable glass. So don’t throw stuff up there, which you will feel compelled to do because you will be tired, the baby will be vomiting, your partner will be wondering where the hell you are, and you are tired. Also, you’ll be tired.
Oh, and I highly recommend a full bench dog seat cover – which I did not discover until I got our second dog, and my youngest kid was 11. Don’t be as dumb as me.
It’s a parental right of passage to frantically look around your seat for something that you are willing to sacrifice as an emergency vomit catcher. For me, it was my old lunch bag.
Favorite t-shirt. Which I was wearing.
Ouch. It died a noble death.
I’m lucky the lunch bag was there because the other thing in reach was my wife’s purse. I could see myself handing that to the kid because I was panicking over vomit on the seats and didn’t realize my solution was far, far worse.
XXL t-shirts make great bucket seatback covers (a lot of contractors do this), sit on a bath towel. Use a dog seat cover or bath towels under car seat. Put bath towels UNDER the rear floor mat.
Gold advice.
Coverking makes good seat covers! They fit perfect and look s good they don’t even look like seat covers!
https://coverking.com/products/seat-cover-rhinohide
Iggee is also good, but they don’t seem to make them for your i3
Seems like a good option…
Things we kept in the car: portable strap to chair high chair for eating out. towels and blankets, toilet paper and wipes, sun screen and bug spray, advil and antihistamines, changes of clothes and warm stuff.
No kids, but I used to detail cars for a living, including interiors. Let me tell you, kids make huge messes in cars.
My advice to you would be the same thing I’ll do if I ever have kids: have a dedicated “kids car” (preferably a newish minivan) that they can track their mud in, eat snacks in, and generally do nasty kid things in. Use this car to take them to school, soccer practice, play dates, and on road trips.
Your “you car” (the i3 in this case) is your personal commuter and is not to be used for transporting anyone under the age of 13 unless the “kids car” is unavailable.
As someone who also detailed many cars:
1) snacks are going to happen – that’s fine. Crumbs are easy, sticky is hard. No fruit snacks
2) the smell of spilled milk in a hot car will never go away. maybe it will diminish to the point it won’t be too noticeable, but it’s a smell that’s engrained in my mind. I firmly believe that minivans should not be offered with cloth seats.
3) car seats themselves can damage seats – not sure much can be done to avoid this but perhaps certain seats have better/worse reviews on the subject
I call BS on the 2-year-old carrots. My roommate in college tossed a bag of carrots in the trash, only they landed BEHIND the trash can unbeknownst to anyone, and that smell after being away for winter break still lives in my head.
I remember caring about this. The rules were going to be absolutely no food or drinks other than water in the back. I bought covers for all the seats. And even the seatbacks. None of that mattered. Crap finds it way underneath seat covers. Sometimes your kids need to eat while you’re driving. Water only doesn’t work when Mom and Dad are enjoying some non water beverage.
I’m now of the opinion that my cars belong to my kids too. And cars are always only temporary possessions anyway. Get the interior detailed every now and then and call it a day.
Or just get another car that’s strictly for child transport.
It’s a little late, but my method of protecting my vehicles from children is never fathering children. What I would suggest you do is resign yourself to the reality that your car will no longer be pristine. Like the first rock chip, the first stain will be the hardest.
That said, my parents did a pretty good job protecting vehicles when my sister and I were very young. Some Scotchguard, some rules when he’s old enough, and stopping to eat somewhere outside the car will help. Keep some of the Tide pens or wipes on hand, too. And clean the car regularly. Getting complacent is how you end up with things sitting way too long and getting gross.
I have only raised one kid and she was fantastic, she never made a mess in a car and is a fantastic adult. There was expectations. We never let gave her messy stuff. Kept towlels for under her after activities where she would have been messy. We never let the kid sticker the back windows (pet peeve).
most importantly we did not do videos we did audiobooks from about a year until she was in high school. a movie in the car was only if the drive would be 2+ hours. we would go to the library and pick books on cd (like 15-20 years ago).
Kids will only mess up a car if allowed. Good plans but it is more about the kid than the kid proofing.
Books on tape for long road trips is something I always look forward to. Keeps everyone in the car engaged and is a nice shared experience.
we did books on cd for every car trip no matter how short. I even got the book list from the school for the next years reading list and we did those over the summer. Huck Finn was not easy to play out loud in the car in traffic.
David, I love you, you have no ooo idea of the chaos to come. Women are reported to have an extraordinary ability to forget the trauma of childbirth.
You’re doomed. At one point you may be carrying some of his friends as well when they get into wrestling matches.
As for dogs,I have driven my Great Dane in a GT3RS and not sure the hair has ever fully come out of the alcantara,let alone drool marks.
Best thing to do is have some cleaning materials on hand. There is no escape .
Sorry David, but you will fail. Welcome to parenthood.
I’m sure Rick meant that you will fail at keeping the i3 clean, not at being a parent. You will absolutely fail at keeping the car clean unless you lock it up at some climate controlled unit off site.
As far as failing at being a parent,…..maybe, maybe not. Time will tell. I only rode home in the back of a police (actually State Trooper, but that’s not important) car once. I still turned out alright by most standards.
Good luck David!
Definitely meant on keeping it clean. I’m positive David will be a great dad.
My mother’s rule was no food in the car except on road trips. The interior of the Monte Carlo still looks great 42 years later.
This, we never drank or ate in my parents cars as a kid. Wait ’till we get there. I don’t need a 24oz water bottle and a snack with me to go to Trader Joe’s 30 minutes away.
Preach!
It probably helped that my parents cars didn’t have rear cupholders until I was probably 10.
We had those suspect clip on “can” holders they sold in the ’70s/’80s. They were such a cheap hassle we just never used them. I rarely recall having food/beverage in the car growing up, a habit I carried over while single. I may have had a beverage with me on a 3+ hour drive, otherwise no. Why must we be so hydrated anymore?
No food in the car and no drinking except perhaps from sippy cups with water, monitored of course.
Good call on the backs of the seats, kids love to kick them.
Otherwise just keep messy things out of kids hands while they’re in the car and you can keep the car very nice.
And remember the kid (and your wife) is more important than the car. 🙂
We bought a used car for the wife once with a pre-melted green crayon already in the door pull pocket. Still there years later.
I was in the third row of my sister’s minivan when her two-year-old projectile vomited so hard from their front-facing car seat in the middle row that it hit both the inside of the windshield with droplets that landed on my pants. It was truly everywhere, including a large amount on the ceiling. My sister wasn’t phased. It was her second kid.
Kids demand a safe car that you don’t care about.
I saw that embedded advert for fabric cleaner as I was scrolling, and thought for a second it was a fire extinguisher – man don’t let the little one near matches…
David, as a father of a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old, the only way to keep your car safe from a child is to never let them near it. Bodily fluids exit in ways you cannot imagine. Food splatters and ricochets go everywhere. You will find the remains of food and food containers in places you can’t imagine. Even if you institute a no food policy, dirt, snot, vomit, poop and pee will still go everywhere. It’s a losing battle, the best you can do is hope to minimize the damage. The mint interior isn’t going to stay mint.
My wife and I both drive Tesla’s. Nothing of value will be lost by our kids trashing out the interiors.
Buy a Britax car seat it is the best car seat there is, or at least was when my kids were little.
Seconded. Britax “Boulevard” has served very well. Fits the i3 perfectly.
Thirded. Britax is the best brand. They are kinda over built and heavy, but that’s not a bad thing unless you are hauling them through an airport. There are other good ones (do your research), but Britax is the best.
We bought Recaro car seats for our daughter (at least until she was booster age – those were whatever was cheapest on Amazon). They were usually rated a close second to the Britax ones and looked like true race car seats. Almost made the old Kia Rondo seem sporty!
Recaro was good also. That was the other brand we had. At the time it was slightly less than Britax. It didn’t age as well, but held up. It’s advantage was that it was almost as highly rated, but was slightly smaller and fit in my smaller sedans.
Ok I’ll buy one of those.
Some Britax car seats (like 30%ish?) are made in fort Mill, SC, not far from torch (or me). The rest in Germany.
Maybe reach out and see if they’d like to do some “will it baby” content
🙂 be sure to RTFM to make sure you’re installing it right.
Tip: if it seems too hard to get the seat to <CLICK> in place, you’ve got the seatbelt/LATCH belt too tight.
No eating or drinking in the car. It’s been my rule from the start. Has my wife and kids violated the rule before, yes. Have the kids dropped stuff while eating in said car, you bet. Have I made them vacuum the car ( when they were old enough ) after I got home, yup.
So yes they break the rule sometimes but they know it’s there and know it’s not something I like so they are less likely to do it and then they do, they are as careful as they can be.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
DT thinks he can protect anything he owns from a child bent on destruction. (Wipes eyes from tears of laughter and a little from the memories of the havoc my four kids wrought)
You sweet summer child…
He hasn’t reached the No Fucks Given stage yet. He’ll get there. All parents eventually do.
For the love of God never give Delmar access to any stickers until he’s 25.
Maybe an Autopian sticker at 18 or whatever? I love my Autopian bumper sticker
I was going to suggest Elvis (Not His Real Name).
I was in the Rusty camp myself.
Too easy and obvious. Plus, they’re not Gingers.
Elmer?
Your child looks just like his mother.
Watching my child traverse from the back seat to the front while stepping on the front console arm rest tells me you are fighting a losing battle.
I was just thinking he’s got his mothers eyes.
Son, you put those eyes back from where you got them right now! I told you not to deface your mother!
Maybe his dad’s hairline…
Y-ouch!
came here to say the same thing
David, please check with your car seat manufacturer about using a seat cover under it. Most manufacturer’s do not allow it.
it seems like it would block the anchor points, also they probably have to say that after losing a lawsuit
Some manufacturer’s allow you to use a seat cover, and some will even sell you one. But we have a Chicco branded one, and they explicitly do not allow it. Of note, indentions from seat bases have always removed themselves over night, in our vehicles.
Seat Protectors at a Glance – Car Seats For The Littles
There are covers with slots to get to the anchors. But these slots let all manner of crap slide under the cover and get ground down into the seat. I didn’t bother with them in my latest new car.
David plans, Delmar laughs.