With the arrival of my beautiful child Delmar (not his real name), I find myself with a problem: My one safe, childworthy car also happens to be my newest, and it also happens to be in mint condition. And I mean mint. It is a car I love so much that I spent a small fortune on it, and I plan to keep it for as long as I live. This is why I take extra care of it, but I’m worried that my child will not. In fact, I’m sure he won’t, which is why I need a plan to protect it from this his destructive tendencies. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
I was a kid once, and so were my five brothers, so I’m intimately aware of how careless children can be. I remember taking my bicycles out of the garage as a kid, and the number of times my sharp metal handlebar — whose rubber grip had been shredded off from all my crashes — scratched the side of our family’s Chevy Astro van is more than I care to count. That poor paint.
And the interior? Oh man, we vomited in it, we sat our muddy and wet butts on those seats, we got fishing hooks stuck in the headrests, we spilled every possible food all over — it was brutal. And then our dog just added to the mayhem.
My wife and I don’t have a dog yet, but I could see one on the horizon; right now, though, I want to focus on this child, because I shouldn’t let his smiley face fool me — this little guy will do a number on my BMW i3 unless I do something about it:
I’ve already started with a full PPF job. While the materials were provided by XPEL, and the installation was discounted by our sister-company Galpin, I still paid a few grand for this job, and I’ll tell you right away: It was worth it for the peace-of-mind — I’ve stopped having that recurring bicycle handlebar nightmare, and thoughts of Delmar swinging the door open onto a parking garage column no longer live in my head rent-free.
But that’s just the exterior — that’s the least of my worries. While my family’s Chevy Astro van’s interior actually managed to hold up remarkably well, that was a utilitarian machine meant for tough people-hauling duty. My BMW i3’s cabin is a hipster’s paradise, with “Kenaf” fibers making up the door panels, olive leaf-died leather on the seats and door panels, and — perhaps most worrying — wool. Lots of light-colored wool.
I am deeply concerned about the future of this wool. Will my child rub food or paint or excrement or whatever it is that children rub against mint-condition BMW i3 interior wool surfaces?
I can protect the seats reasonably well, I think, with some basic covers that go over the bench. In fact, it turns out BMW sells an OEM seat protector (see above)! I think that’s just to keep the child seat from rubbing against the seat (and the thing on the right is to cover the front seatback), so it really doesn’t offer a ton of coverage. Maybe I need something bigger, like this:
The manufacturer, Weathertech, even shows photos of dastardly child-behavior as proof that this seat-cover can handle a toddler:
Seriously? Cheerios? Why is the cup on its side; kid, pick it up! It’s just sitting there, spilling!
Oh lord, what? The animal crackers I can give a pass; we all lose one or two on its way from the bag to down the hatch, and the toys are going to trap sand — that’s hard to avoid. I don’t love the sideways cup, but it’s the sunscreen that’s killin’ me here! What the heck, kid?! Why is the sunscreen cap open, and why is there all this creme on the seatcover?
And… what are those on the front passenger’s seatback? Markers?! Absolutely not! Look at what this menace is doing with cups and sunscreen and crackers; there’s no chance they should have access to markers!
Sorry, I need to relax. But this is making me nervous! You know what else is making me nervous? My coworkers, who have not provided me any reassurance on this topic:
My god; two year-old carrots!
Maybe I should have a “no food in i3” policy, but I do have concerns because… I mean, I want my kid to eat and be happy. And lord knows, if he’s like me, he’ll want nothing more than to jam some McDonald’s french fries into his face during a roadtrip.
Anyway, I think the seat cover above will do the job, and the PPF will protect the outside, and I already have floor mats:
But there are two major issues that I still need to solve. The first is the seatback, which even on a normal car is a vulnerable spot, since children tend to kick seatbacks. But the i3 needs more than the BMW OEM seatback cover I showed before, because the seatback is a piece of off-white cloth that’s being stretched taught across a central opening.
Literally one swift kick will tear the fabric, and even if somehow the fabric holds up, it definitely won’t avoid stains.
So my plan is to buy some fairly stiff seatback protectors to prevent that fabric from tearing. Something like this:
My bigger worry is the rear armrests, because though I can protect the rear seat cushion and front seatbacks, what can I do about these lightly-colored wool armrests? I can’t really put a cover on them given their shape:
My colleague Thomas suggested “CQuartz Fabric 2.0,” which is a spray described as a “super-hydrophobic barrier that repels water and stains, whilst resisting abrasion, UV fading, alkaline and acid attack for up to 12 months.”
Hmm, looks like our friends at XPEL might have something similar. Does this stuff actual work? Will it permanently alter my beautiful wool? I’ll have to look into it.
In any case, I’m worried, because so many people have told me that I’m doomed, and to just embrace the destruction that will inevitably take place inside one of the most gorgeous automotive cabins ever designed. I’m not sure I can.
[Looks over at Delmar. Sees him spitting up milk and excreting strangely yellowish poos]. Yeah, maybe I am doomed.
Top Photo: Depositphotos.com/David Tracy
Delmar, for those wondering, is the name of the chief engineer of the WWII Jeep. Delmar “Barney” Roos. A total legend.
By the way, thank you all for your feedback! I’m reading every comment.
Best wishes for all of you.
Thank you!
Thank you for the explanation. You are now forgiven. 😉
And here I thought it was short for the DelMarVa peninsula.
I’m just glad it’s a pseudonym because every time I read it I think “old Delmar” thanks to Bing Crosby and living close to the Del Mar horse track and seeing their ads on TV.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxSnJZkH1KY
I’m still partial to Ferrous.
Bueller?
I’m thinking “Baller” depending on how pimped out that i3 ends up becoming.
Ferrous “Rusty” Baller. Has a nice ring to it, no?
Hahaha!
I’m too old to figure out the perfect programming to handle a website that handles comment threads perfectly, but this one deserves better than what we have now. But I have ideas.
Matt, or whoever webmaster this gets to, I have a suggestion.
When I get to the end of an article and scroll past the mini-bio of who wrote it, can YOU PLEASE show the first chronological page comment/response/correction. NOT the most recent. The original.
And then show, an option to read to read the second level responses to the first level responses. Rather than clutter up the screen with a bunch of stuff that isn’t interesting to us, the end user.
Instead of the most recent responses that I don’t get the context of because I read the article after they did and made their comments.
And I say that as a base-level velour member. So, not as an investor, but also not a zero-level feces-thrower.
And, while you’re at redesigning “THE Autopian” 2.0 or whatever version you might do, give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that.
“give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that”
Isn’t that what the smily face under each post is for?
It’s too binary for me.
It’s also the name of a town about fifteen miles from me, on the Delaware-Maryland state line.
I saw that town on signs heading to Salisbury, MD from BWI. The trip to Salisbury, UK, was far more enjoyable.
That makes more sense than what we thought on the discord- that you had a movie night of ‘O brother, where art thou?’
“I’m a Dapper Dan man!”
Rusty was right there.
We’ve owned 3 i3s and had little kids in all of them.
The official BMW i “Function Cover” is great. Good quality (since we’ve been using it for 10 years now), soft on one side, water resistant on the other side without being plasticky, loops to attach to headrests, holes for belts in the right places.
It’s a must-have for kids+i3, IMO. We still use it in our other vehicles even now that we don’t have an i3 anymore.
I think it’s discontinued, but somebody might have one, like these guys:
https://parts.bmwoforlandpark.com/p/Bmw__i3/i-Function-Cover/71999159/51472348066.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqYy_TS_rdlfWbyv6yXtvu5wcJ1V2Gd246npgwcGBXfN6cFz4ff
If this is how you are around nice things you should avoid nice things. What’s the point in buying something you love just to get all stressed out over maintaining it’s condition? Where’s the joy in that? If the interior is one of the things you love the most about it, how much are you going to enjoy it underneath that ugly cover?
Pretty sure Delmar arrived after the i3.
Anyone else reminded of awkward moments going to someones home that had a room of fine furniture that no one was allowed to use? Or couches sealed in clear plastic? If I recall correctly, such precious possessions were unceremoniously discarded by inheritors.
All I can think of now is that horrible feeling of wearing shorts sitting on a plastic covered sofa at an aunt’s couch on a hot day and having to listen to her stories because I was stuck to her couch like a wad of chewing gum to a shoe.
Thanks, I had repressed that for years.
My mom used to have furniture like that! If I remember the story correctly, it was passed down a generation or two to her, so it was legitimately old-school stuff. We used it only once a year on Christmas morning.
I forget what happened, but I vaguely remember my dad accidentally leaving the stuff outside during a move, and it got rained on and ruined. Oof.
At least you were able to briefly enjoy it the way it was designed and built to be. I think we develop a connection with materials by experiencing them and appreciate the craftsmanship involved. If it’s covered in plastic, or never used, no one else will have warm feelings for it.
But yeah, always have a towel or blanket under a baby or pet.
Maybe just go get a beater civic or corolla or a minivan now for family hauling duty.
THIS IS THE WAY. A beater is liberating. When I bought my $1000 ’89 XJ Cherokee in 2001 I drove it everywhere – because DGAF. Hit me, ding my door, I don’t care. I really started driving my other cars less to avoid damage.
If the towing company hadn’t of screwed around, they had an NV200 that would have been good for kid duty.
But seriously, look into a higher mileage Odyssey or Sienna and find out who in town converts these things to taxi services. They would have the ability to line that van from top to bottom with hard vinyl because so many cabs do that conversion.
If David has another kid or two or a dog, they will like having the extra space.
You bring up a good point, if indirectly; does this car have space for a diaper bag and a stroller?
The NV200’s with Jason in North Carolina. There are no carseats in its’ future.
Driving lessons, however…
Ah, my mistake, I saw rust and made assumptions based on my experience with DT on the other site that shall not be named.
Don’t forget the headliner.
When my kids were smaller, we gave them smoothies pretty often (pro tip — throw some spinach in there; they can’t tell). They’d drink them out of cups with little rubber straws. Nearly every time the straw left one of their mouths it would flick back into the straight up position. Along with that flick came little droplets of smoothie which went right into the headliner. I really didn’t even notice it until I was getting ready to sell the car, at which point I spent like an hour doing the best I could to clean it all off the headliner, which was unpleasant.
Hear me out, go over to Copart, find yourself a Mercedes-Benz with the MB-Tex seats. Remove the MB-Tex from the seats and have an upholstery shop use them to make cutom covers for the door cards. MB-Tex will last long after the sun burns out, so you know the little kiddo will never be able to destroy it.
It’s good to accept that you’re the rule, not the exception to it.
Easy Easy interior fix!!
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/shopping?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDlD1p7pb6_cexJBwdFhqU_jYpUtAdnA1LM1wDtFQZ8C8drAm0A4rjNgxcWx_RJDSU6Ddieh5wEHstdC0NommLbPn8T9EuwPy6J5-36bbH7GvXTF6tyGyE
It would probably be less effort to PPF the kid. Just sayin’.
That stuff’s expensive and he’ll outgrow it in weeks.
Just give him a juice box with a sugary drink inside. What could go wrong?
I second all the things from all the people. You’re doomed in a way but you’ll enjoy it.
The big thing to accept is that you can’t control what happens and things are going to happen. That vomit? It won’t stay on the seat cover. The spilled drink will hit the floor and maybe the headliner, too. The second they get stickers you can be sure they’ll get stuck to the window.
The best advice is to have a car devoted to the crazy of the next 18 years. The second best advice is to roll with it as there will definitely be bigger things going on that the car.
The ‘stain the car’ crazy will be done by age 8 (well mostly).
For the doors, I’ve got door protectors made for dogs on my car. They’re essentially a piece of waterproof fabric the size of the door card that is hung from plastic cards that are slipped in between the operable window and the door. Not sure they would work with the funky i3 rear windows though.
My daughter (was a competitive dancer) ALWAYS fell asleep in the car. Stage makeup does not come off a door card, no matter how hard you try.
Embrace fatherhood.
Explorer ex cop cars are cheap tons of auctions have them just hose it out like they do with the drunks plus already child proof locks no getting out the back. Safest car on the road too.
Other than the exhaust leaks.
I think Ford agreed to fix the cop version the civilian ones no idea. Probably need to plug some holes from the cage and electronics sometimes they leave the cage could be a nice kid jail like the pack and play thing.
Yeah, I think it was during the conversion they drilled too many holes and fixed it with some sealant and grommets. But it was a low hanging fruit to comment about.
I think it’s an actual issue with alot of them I don’t know the scope. But yeah they don’t always do a great job up fitting them. But they are cheap.
And what’s a little CO poisoning for your brood?
Here’s my pitch – get a 4 door JL Wrangler, waterproof floor liners and seats upholstered in as waterproof material as possible police car style. When the inevitable mess happens you just hose it out and move on with life.
Keep a few fleece throws/bath towels in the car always. A small backpack with baby wipes, some disposable silverware, napkins, rubber gloves and disposable coffee cups. Maybe a pack of Shout wipes. Rubber floor mats/bath towels. There will be barf – sometime, somehow, somewhere. Better than even it will be projectile.
Here is my advice: Stop worrying so much and enjoy your new life. It’s only a car. PS: if you don’t get control of your neuroses, you risk damaging your kid.
This. I’m as OCD as they come with cars but in making the choice to have a kid you have to understand that things will be broken, stained, and ruined. Kids are messy you just have to roll with the punches.
1. You are doomed, accept it now. Save Delmar from having Dad yell at him.
2. Do what you can. . .cover what you can. . .here is a thought, especially for the arm rest. Go see the local upholstery shop and see what they can make you. We have a local shop here (my coworker has his seats redone, suprising cheaper then I thought). Might be able to get something that actually looks good too.
3. Make sure you have emergency cleaning supplies. Paper towels at bare minimum. Baby wipes work too in a pinch.
4. Have all the supplies for deep cleaning at home. So when your kid drops an ice cream between the seats, you can deep clean that as soon as you get home.
Love how hot the comments are on this, well done DT, you’ve done it again, just the right combination to make folks want to engage with your writing! It is a gift that you have, to be sure.
Hey man, I think these are all reasonable things to do and they’ll definitely help staunch the bleeding. Just don’t be under any illusion that the interior and exterior will remain *mint* no matter how many protective measures you take. My wife and I don’t have any kids (yet) but we both come from large families and know lots of people who do. It’s a losing battle, a car you daily drive (especially with kids) is going to get beat up and raggedy. Hell, our well-behaved dog is hard on my DD, even using seat covers and transporting him only a few times a month. Life happens and you can’t plan for every contingency. Acceptance is key; this car won’t remain mint and likely will not be a “forever car” you own for the rest of your life. I’m sure you’ll make lots of great memories in it though.
Stanch. You are a staunch supporter of stanching the bleeding, I gather? Sorry, couldn’t help myself…
Must…control…urges… nope, you’ve unleashed the pedant in me. You are correct about stanch vs. staunch and now I must point out that in the article it should have read “olive leaf-dyed (not died) leather” and “the seatback is a piece of off-white cloth that’s being stretched taut (not taught) across a central opening.”
Nice finds! Unleash anytime. 🙂
Mwahahahaha….
Yeah, every single “protective solution” just ends up being that much more to wash and clean, and inevitably creates even more nooks and crannies within which food will reside.
Abandon all hope, etc. When we bought our van 10 years ago, we bought it brand new, despite knowing what was coming (our second kid was about a year old; first was four). But the sheer idea of buying a used van — including having someone else’s gunk crammed into every crevice — was about as appealing as buying a used RV where the gray and black water tanks were full.
But pets are worse, so I’ll just leave it that.
I don’t have any children, but I feel like I can give advice because I have dogs. Two steps and you’re all set. 1. Dogproof the backseat. They have a cover that looks like a hammock. It has sides that cover the door panels. 2. Cone of shame. Get one made of plastic for a large dog. Put it on the child. It will catch anything that comes out of his mouth, especially if combined with a beekeeper’s helmet. Step 2 really covers it for the most part, but the seat cover catches any spills or whatnot.
This is precious.
You are not giving kids the cred they deserve and demand as to destructiveness.
Props for getting that out there that you got XPEL PPF installed! Yeah!
Those squeaky clean sneakers on that stock kid are deeply unrealistic.
There’s all kinds of folks and they raise and are raised in all kinds of ways!
Maybe you can raise yours to be ginger and careful around pa’s beloved car 🙂
But all that gear is not a match for a kid, to my knowledge…
Good luck!
If you live in California then the child will be the least of concerns. FYI- I live in California.
A: The sun. Unless you have a garage the sun here is WAYYYY more intense. As a result plastics, rubber, and paint will fade in short order. We have a 2023 Subaru and all of that black plastic cladding is turning gray and the paint is already showing some UV damage.
B: The drivers. So far all of our vehicles have been hit one time or another. Most of the hit and runs. My truck has been hit several times. Each time by some unknown prick who did it when it was parked and then left without leaving a note or anything. My Wife is leasing a new Chevy Equinox. She was rear-ended and the driver of the truck that hit her ran the stop light as they ran from the scene.
I’ve lived and worked and driven and parked in California for 28 years (shit I’m old) and never been hit by a car once. It’s not a law of physics that you’re going to get hit.
When I was 6 and my little sister was 1-year old, my dad traded in my mom’s beloved ’84 Oldsmobile Delta 88 coupe, for a sportier but much smaller ’88 Toronado Trofeo that she did not want. When he handed her the keys he told her, “Now, you can’t let the baby eat in the new car.”
Mom threw the keys right back at him and said, “Well take the fuckin’ thing back then, because that kid eats every 20 minutes, or she turns into a fucking monster!”
The baby was allowed to eat in the car.
Dad kept the interior pristine by cleaning it every week. I don’t mean a full interior detail, just a quick vacuum and wipe down. Seriously, the interior was perfect when it became mine in ’97 (no, they didn’t “hand it down” to me, they made me buy it from them).
Anyways, regular cleaning and just being smart with what snacks you give them, is really all you need. Cheerios are great, they vacuum right up. Same with basically any cracker. Chicken nuggets and grape juice, however. That’s a bad idea. Just stay away from sticky/stainy/smelly things, and your golden Pony-Boy.
I promise. I’ve been hauling my kids in my truck for 12 years now. It’s fine.
Dad is still mad at me for barfing all over the back seat of his brand spanking new 1977 Olds Cutlass Supreme Coupe, triple black. Sorry, I was 9 months old on a road trip to Williamsburg.
You can keep a car clean with kids, it requires some work and planning.
LOL! My grandfather always held a slight grudge against me for getting chocolate ice cream all over his green on green ’78 Olds 98 company car, when I was not yet 2 years old.
When my mom found out about it, instead of apologizing like my grandfather was expecting, she shouted, “What the hell are you giving a 1-year old a chocolate ice cream cone in your car for!?! You weren’t even supposed to be giving him sugar! Serves you right!”
Haha. It’s ok new dad we all go through this. What are those five stages of grief again? It starts with denial and ends with a clapped out but still awesome vomit and shit coated mad max ride.
this
The other day I was showing the wife all the progress I had made on our old wagon, the one that toted our kids home from the hospital and got them through the first few years.
Her first nostalgic comment while riding in the back seat: “Do you even remember how many diaper blowouts happened back here?”
I remember mentioning to my Mother that I had arrived a few kids in. I gained the ability to clean up unmentionable body fluids with my left hand while eating a chocolate chip cookie with the right, completely unperturbed by the dissonance.
I sent my last family truckster to the crusher solely because the interior was so completely and utterly wrecked. Kids get bored in the car and do terrible, terrible things.
One hint, for older kids, is to order a box of hospital grade barf bags from Amazon and keep a few in every car. (Order in quantity and give some to your friends and family. Someone WILL thank you for it eventually.)
These aren’t the flimsy paper bags like in an airplane – they have a huge plastic opening ring that you can stuff your face in and hurl.
May be more useful to send off with your college freshman…