With the arrival of my beautiful child Delmar (not his real name), I find myself with a problem: My one safe, childworthy car also happens to be my newest, and it also happens to be in mint condition. And I mean mint. It is a car I love so much that I spent a small fortune on it, and I plan to keep it for as long as I live. This is why I take extra care of it, but I’m worried that my child will not. In fact, I’m sure he won’t, which is why I need a plan to protect it from this his destructive tendencies. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
I was a kid once, and so were my five brothers, so I’m intimately aware of how careless children can be. I remember taking my bicycles out of the garage as a kid, and the number of times my sharp metal handlebar — whose rubber grip had been shredded off from all my crashes — scratched the side of our family’s Chevy Astro van is more than I care to count. That poor paint.
And the interior? Oh man, we vomited in it, we sat our muddy and wet butts on those seats, we got fishing hooks stuck in the headrests, we spilled every possible food all over — it was brutal. And then our dog just added to the mayhem.
My wife and I don’t have a dog yet, but I could see one on the horizon; right now, though, I want to focus on this child, because I shouldn’t let his smiley face fool me — this little guy will do a number on my BMW i3 unless I do something about it:
I’ve already started with a full PPF job. While the materials were provided by XPEL, and the installation was discounted by our sister-company Galpin, I still paid a few grand for this job, and I’ll tell you right away: It was worth it for the peace-of-mind — I’ve stopped having that recurring bicycle handlebar nightmare, and thoughts of Delmar swinging the door open onto a parking garage column no longer live in my head rent-free.
But that’s just the exterior — that’s the least of my worries. While my family’s Chevy Astro van’s interior actually managed to hold up remarkably well, that was a utilitarian machine meant for tough people-hauling duty. My BMW i3’s cabin is a hipster’s paradise, with “Kenaf” fibers making up the door panels, olive leaf-died leather on the seats and door panels, and — perhaps most worrying — wool. Lots of light-colored wool.
I am deeply concerned about the future of this wool. Will my child rub food or paint or excrement or whatever it is that children rub against mint-condition BMW i3 interior wool surfaces?
I can protect the seats reasonably well, I think, with some basic covers that go over the bench. In fact, it turns out BMW sells an OEM seat protector (see above)! I think that’s just to keep the child seat from rubbing against the seat (and the thing on the right is to cover the front seatback), so it really doesn’t offer a ton of coverage. Maybe I need something bigger, like this:
The manufacturer, Weathertech, even shows photos of dastardly child-behavior as proof that this seat-cover can handle a toddler:
Seriously? Cheerios? Why is the cup on its side; kid, pick it up! It’s just sitting there, spilling!
Oh lord, what? The animal crackers I can give a pass; we all lose one or two on its way from the bag to down the hatch, and the toys are going to trap sand — that’s hard to avoid. I don’t love the sideways cup, but it’s the sunscreen that’s killin’ me here! What the heck, kid?! Why is the sunscreen cap open, and why is there all this creme on the seatcover?
And… what are those on the front passenger’s seatback? Markers?! Absolutely not! Look at what this menace is doing with cups and sunscreen and crackers; there’s no chance they should have access to markers!
Sorry, I need to relax. But this is making me nervous! You know what else is making me nervous? My coworkers, who have not provided me any reassurance on this topic:
My god; two year-old carrots!
Maybe I should have a “no food in i3” policy, but I do have concerns because… I mean, I want my kid to eat and be happy. And lord knows, if he’s like me, he’ll want nothing more than to jam some McDonald’s french fries into his face during a roadtrip.
Anyway, I think the seat cover above will do the job, and the PPF will protect the outside, and I already have floor mats:
But there are two major issues that I still need to solve. The first is the seatback, which even on a normal car is a vulnerable spot, since children tend to kick seatbacks. But the i3 needs more than the BMW OEM seatback cover I showed before, because the seatback is a piece of off-white cloth that’s being stretched taught across a central opening.
Literally one swift kick will tear the fabric, and even if somehow the fabric holds up, it definitely won’t avoid stains.
So my plan is to buy some fairly stiff seatback protectors to prevent that fabric from tearing. Something like this:
My bigger worry is the rear armrests, because though I can protect the rear seat cushion and front seatbacks, what can I do about these lightly-colored wool armrests? I can’t really put a cover on them given their shape:
My colleague Thomas suggested “CQuartz Fabric 2.0,” which is a spray described as a “super-hydrophobic barrier that repels water and stains, whilst resisting abrasion, UV fading, alkaline and acid attack for up to 12 months.”
Hmm, looks like our friends at XPEL might have something similar. Does this stuff actual work? Will it permanently alter my beautiful wool? I’ll have to look into it.
In any case, I’m worried, because so many people have told me that I’m doomed, and to just embrace the destruction that will inevitably take place inside one of the most gorgeous automotive cabins ever designed. I’m not sure I can.
[Looks over at Delmar. Sees him spitting up milk and excreting strangely yellowish poos]. Yeah, maybe I am doomed.
Top Photo: Depositphotos.com/David Tracy
Delmar, for those wondering, is the name of the chief engineer of the WWII Jeep. Delmar “Barney” Roos. A total legend.
By the way, thank you all for your feedback! I’m reading every comment.
Best wishes for all of you.
Thank you!
Thank you for the explanation. You are now forgiven. 😉
And here I thought it was short for the DelMarVa peninsula.
I’m just glad it’s a pseudonym because every time I read it I think “old Delmar” thanks to Bing Crosby and living close to the Del Mar horse track and seeing their ads on TV.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxSnJZkH1KY
I’m still partial to Ferrous.
Bueller?
I’m thinking “Baller” depending on how pimped out that i3 ends up becoming.
Ferrous “Rusty” Baller. Has a nice ring to it, no?
Hahaha!
I’m too old to figure out the perfect programming to handle a website that handles comment threads perfectly, but this one deserves better than what we have now. But I have ideas.
Matt, or whoever webmaster this gets to, I have a suggestion.
When I get to the end of an article and scroll past the mini-bio of who wrote it, can YOU PLEASE show the first chronological page comment/response/correction. NOT the most recent. The original.
And then show, an option to read to read the second level responses to the first level responses. Rather than clutter up the screen with a bunch of stuff that isn’t interesting to us, the end user.
Instead of the most recent responses that I don’t get the context of because I read the article after they did and made their comments.
And I say that as a base-level velour member. So, not as an investor, but also not a zero-level feces-thrower.
And, while you’re at redesigning “THE Autopian” 2.0 or whatever version you might do, give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that.
“give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that”
Isn’t that what the smily face under each post is for?
It’s too binary for me.
It’s also the name of a town about fifteen miles from me, on the Delaware-Maryland state line.
I saw that town on signs heading to Salisbury, MD from BWI. The trip to Salisbury, UK, was far more enjoyable.
That makes more sense than what we thought on the discord- that you had a movie night of ‘O brother, where art thou?’
“I’m a Dapper Dan man!”
Rusty was right there.
We’ve owned 3 i3s and had little kids in all of them.
The official BMW i “Function Cover” is great. Good quality (since we’ve been using it for 10 years now), soft on one side, water resistant on the other side without being plasticky, loops to attach to headrests, holes for belts in the right places.
It’s a must-have for kids+i3, IMO. We still use it in our other vehicles even now that we don’t have an i3 anymore.
I think it’s discontinued, but somebody might have one, like these guys:
https://parts.bmwoforlandpark.com/p/Bmw__i3/i-Function-Cover/71999159/51472348066.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqYy_TS_rdlfWbyv6yXtvu5wcJ1V2Gd246npgwcGBXfN6cFz4ff
A cage right? Surely the answer is a soundproof, waterproof cage. I’m pretty sure they’re legal until the goblin is aged eighteen or something.
Adrian is one description of being “beastly” away from being the antagonist from a Roald Dahl book.
Oh please I’m far too fabulous for that, darling. I’m more Cruella De Ville or Maleficent.
I remember in our first childhood car (’88 Subaru GL wagon) I would drop half eaten Altoids into the trim panel that hid the seatbelt retractor mechanism. Even though I was only about 5, I have lasting guilt that will never go away. Our next car, a BRAND NEW 2000 Odyssey, my mother was militant about us little demons keeping clean. Which, we did!
Not that it really mattered with an ’88 Subaru. They just fell out the rust holes and if there weren’t any yet, give it a year.
Not out here! Our previous Soob Wag (an ’80) is still happily chugging around the town I grew up in.
PNW?
Yessir.
Vermonter here, we bought a lot of Subarus starting in the ’80s but it wasn’t until the first SIA-built Legacys that they didn’t rust like crazy. Road salt sucks.
Have you ever watched the show Dexter? He has some tips for liquid-proofing an area.
I can only offer two thoughts:
Or just you be you and buy a back up i3 and relax.
I agree with your idea of getting covers, floor mats and a front seatback protector. Though you can’t entirely control what messes happen in the car, you can prepare to clean it up before the heat bakes it into a *smell*. We have a go bag with diaper wipes, paper towels and mini trash bags (the ones for tiny trash cans), plus a portable potty seat that can use the aforementioned trash bags. The trash bags can hold all manner of bodily fluids used cleaning supplies and trash. I’d add in some fabric cleaner to the list for those super-absorbant seats.
Also, you’re going to want a plan/system for diaper changes in and around your car.
Kids will find a way to stain the headliner. What David should do is just go dump a soda in the back seat now so he won’t get so bothered when Delmar does it.
Get the big seat cover and a one piece “tray” floor mat cover and call it a day.
The above on our (then new) Outback got us safely through the toddler years. It’s the pre-teens that will do you (and your car) in.
No one gets to eat in the 944 I restored. And they know better than to put their feet anywhere other than on the floor mat. But that’s really not a practical solution for a family car.
At the end of the day… going places with your family is far more important than preserving seats that will eventually get stained. Take reasonable precautions and forgive the inevitable mess.
It sucks being an over-thinking German, doesn’t it? 🙂
Whilst you are certainly on the right track with the products you mentioned, it is literally impossible to plan for every eventuality with infants. It’s more of a ‘what fresh hell awaits’ type of situation, but in a really cute way.
Just invest in a good fabric cleaner and focus more on the joys of fatherhood. Vehicles are replaceable; kids aren’t.
So David… new life new worries. Worried about your mint interior, just wait till college tuition bills start showing up. My advice, take the seat protector money and invest it in a tax advantaged college fund now 🙂
Pretty sure college won’t exist in 17 years. I wouldn’t sweat that part all that much.
The Chrysler Pacifica can be optioned with a built-in vacuum cleaner – just sayin’…
Seriously, congratulations on becoming parents. It’s a wild ride.
Dude its a hunk of metal. Chill out. You’ll find that you like your kid waaaaay more than your car. Does it grate me every time my 6 year old kicks the door of the X5 open with her foot instead of waiting and using her hand? Yes. Does it seriously piss me off when my 10 year old climbs over the centre console instead of getting out and going around. Absolutely, but its just a car. A very nice car, but it is just a car.
We have had our Subaru for 9 years and with regular cleaning it is actually fine, for a 9 year old family car, its mechanically worse than it is to look at. Its been vomited in, had food smeared everywhere, drinks spilled. Its been our beach/dog car for ever.
We only have one child and the only time he got car sick was in a rental. Bonus points! He’s 30 now.
Now that I no longer have a mess-maker to chauffer around, I’d opt for cloth seats, if possible, when and if I ever buy or lease another vehicle. But leather was a lot easier to wipe stuff up.
WeatherTech mats might not be a bad idea.
Those seat back covers and booster seat covers are your friend. Along with scotch guard and leather conditioner. Always have cleaning wipes, a bag, and a car vac with you. Problem solved.
Or get a kid friendly holy grail
Told you not to sell that other i3. You could’ve sacrifice that car for your child instead.
You think you’re not gonna allow food in the car until you go on that first long drive. Then you’ll realize the *only* way to keep your kid from driving you insane is to throw food at him.
You think the markers are bad? I left crayons in the car on a very hot day. We only found empty wrappers and the seat fabric had some extra color.
And driving winding roads and a nice fruit flavoured yoghurt drink (Fristi to be exact, all the Dutch people will know it) in a daughter who gets car sick do “wonders” for the smell of your car…
Is Del Mar where he wasn’t conceived?
My experience was that the kids=destruction is overblown, BUT just like modern cars, it’s a good idea to consider your emissions:
A Snack-Trap?
Oh my I have a lot to learn.
It’s going to be great =D
You can’t protect it. Kids find new and creative ways to destroy things. One of my kid’s scratched 7 slashes into the TV screen with a nail to keep track of how many rounds of Mario Cart they had won. Another stole a chair from the kitchen so they could reach the garage door opener button and packed stuffed animals in the car and had keys in the ignition while we were sleeping (he was 5). He woke us up to tell us the garage door was broken (he had run it up and down so many times that the thermal overload tripped).
Two words: Projectile vomit. And since you have the range extender you’ll be further from home when it happens. And it will. Ask me how I know. Actually, don’t ask.
The best option is to buy another i3 beater (one with a dead battery, AC, and the darkest interior they offered) and transplant that interior into this one for the next decade and a half. When the kid is in late middle school he will start to understand. Once he leaves the house for good you can transplant the perfect interior back into the car for your golden years and when you visit him you can throw Oreos around his car and spill your milkshake everywhere.
The other option is to take your wife’s car when the three of you go somewhere, prepare yourself for it being trashed pretty much all the time no matter how nice it looks now.
No one else has mentioned the French fry flames? What is this site coming too.
In a job interview I was once asked “Are you a perfectionist?”. I answered, “No, but I used to be.” “Why did you change?” “I had children.”
Once my wife and I had kids, we just accepted that we would no longer have nice things We just lived our lives, treated our cars like appliances (they are) and spent our money on family vacation and college funds. You know what…its fine. You’ll understand soon enough. Once you have two, you won’t have any time to worry about any of this.
This, exactly. We found it exhausting but ultimately worth it to have two close together. They’re best friends and we get to move through things as more or less one unit.
Yep – this.
New worry for you David: Car seats leave indents on your seat!
No, you will quickly get tired of removing and reinstalling car seats (plus removing/reinstalling adds risk that it won’t operate properly if needed)
I’ve raised 3 kids and my wife has carried untold number of dogs. If I was starting over, I would consider getting a good minivan and going through a taxi rework. Replace the interior with hard wearing plastic and vinyl and maybe even put a wrap on it advertising Autopian for fun. The Cabbies know what vans to get, what not to get and who can do the conversion properly without ripping you off.
OR… Forget it. Kids are kids, they tear up stuff and make messes. Some of your best memories will be written in crayon on headliners.
Oh look, a guest article written by Sisyphus.