With the arrival of my beautiful child Delmar (not his real name), I find myself with a problem: My one safe, childworthy car also happens to be my newest, and it also happens to be in mint condition. And I mean mint. It is a car I love so much that I spent a small fortune on it, and I plan to keep it for as long as I live. This is why I take extra care of it, but I’m worried that my child will not. In fact, I’m sure he won’t, which is why I need a plan to protect it from this his destructive tendencies. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
I was a kid once, and so were my five brothers, so I’m intimately aware of how careless children can be. I remember taking my bicycles out of the garage as a kid, and the number of times my sharp metal handlebar — whose rubber grip had been shredded off from all my crashes — scratched the side of our family’s Chevy Astro van is more than I care to count. That poor paint.
And the interior? Oh man, we vomited in it, we sat our muddy and wet butts on those seats, we got fishing hooks stuck in the headrests, we spilled every possible food all over — it was brutal. And then our dog just added to the mayhem.
My wife and I don’t have a dog yet, but I could see one on the horizon; right now, though, I want to focus on this child, because I shouldn’t let his smiley face fool me — this little guy will do a number on my BMW i3 unless I do something about it:
I’ve already started with a full PPF job. While the materials were provided by XPEL, and the installation was discounted by our sister-company Galpin, I still paid a few grand for this job, and I’ll tell you right away: It was worth it for the peace-of-mind — I’ve stopped having that recurring bicycle handlebar nightmare, and thoughts of Delmar swinging the door open onto a parking garage column no longer live in my head rent-free.
But that’s just the exterior — that’s the least of my worries. While my family’s Chevy Astro van’s interior actually managed to hold up remarkably well, that was a utilitarian machine meant for tough people-hauling duty. My BMW i3’s cabin is a hipster’s paradise, with “Kenaf” fibers making up the door panels, olive leaf-died leather on the seats and door panels, and — perhaps most worrying — wool. Lots of light-colored wool.
I am deeply concerned about the future of this wool. Will my child rub food or paint or excrement or whatever it is that children rub against mint-condition BMW i3 interior wool surfaces?
I can protect the seats reasonably well, I think, with some basic covers that go over the bench. In fact, it turns out BMW sells an OEM seat protector (see above)! I think that’s just to keep the child seat from rubbing against the seat (and the thing on the right is to cover the front seatback), so it really doesn’t offer a ton of coverage. Maybe I need something bigger, like this:
The manufacturer, Weathertech, even shows photos of dastardly child-behavior as proof that this seat-cover can handle a toddler:
Seriously? Cheerios? Why is the cup on its side; kid, pick it up! It’s just sitting there, spilling!
Oh lord, what? The animal crackers I can give a pass; we all lose one or two on its way from the bag to down the hatch, and the toys are going to trap sand — that’s hard to avoid. I don’t love the sideways cup, but it’s the sunscreen that’s killin’ me here! What the heck, kid?! Why is the sunscreen cap open, and why is there all this creme on the seatcover?
And… what are those on the front passenger’s seatback? Markers?! Absolutely not! Look at what this menace is doing with cups and sunscreen and crackers; there’s no chance they should have access to markers!
Sorry, I need to relax. But this is making me nervous! You know what else is making me nervous? My coworkers, who have not provided me any reassurance on this topic:
My god; two year-old carrots!
Maybe I should have a “no food in i3” policy, but I do have concerns because… I mean, I want my kid to eat and be happy. And lord knows, if he’s like me, he’ll want nothing more than to jam some McDonald’s french fries into his face during a roadtrip.
Anyway, I think the seat cover above will do the job, and the PPF will protect the outside, and I already have floor mats:
But there are two major issues that I still need to solve. The first is the seatback, which even on a normal car is a vulnerable spot, since children tend to kick seatbacks. But the i3 needs more than the BMW OEM seatback cover I showed before, because the seatback is a piece of off-white cloth that’s being stretched taught across a central opening.
Literally one swift kick will tear the fabric, and even if somehow the fabric holds up, it definitely won’t avoid stains.
So my plan is to buy some fairly stiff seatback protectors to prevent that fabric from tearing. Something like this:
My bigger worry is the rear armrests, because though I can protect the rear seat cushion and front seatbacks, what can I do about these lightly-colored wool armrests? I can’t really put a cover on them given their shape:
My colleague Thomas suggested “CQuartz Fabric 2.0,” which is a spray described as a “super-hydrophobic barrier that repels water and stains, whilst resisting abrasion, UV fading, alkaline and acid attack for up to 12 months.”
Hmm, looks like our friends at XPEL might have something similar. Does this stuff actual work? Will it permanently alter my beautiful wool? I’ll have to look into it.
In any case, I’m worried, because so many people have told me that I’m doomed, and to just embrace the destruction that will inevitably take place inside one of the most gorgeous automotive cabins ever designed. I’m not sure I can.
[Looks over at Delmar. Sees him spitting up milk and excreting strangely yellowish poos]. Yeah, maybe I am doomed.
Top Photo: Depositphotos.com/David Tracy
Delmar, for those wondering, is the name of the chief engineer of the WWII Jeep. Delmar “Barney” Roos. A total legend.
By the way, thank you all for your feedback! I’m reading every comment.
Best wishes for all of you.
Thank you!
Thank you for the explanation. You are now forgiven. 😉
And here I thought it was short for the DelMarVa peninsula.
I’m just glad it’s a pseudonym because every time I read it I think “old Delmar” thanks to Bing Crosby and living close to the Del Mar horse track and seeing their ads on TV.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxSnJZkH1KY
I’m still partial to Ferrous.
Bueller?
I’m thinking “Baller” depending on how pimped out that i3 ends up becoming.
Ferrous “Rusty” Baller. Has a nice ring to it, no?
Hahaha!
I’m too old to figure out the perfect programming to handle a website that handles comment threads perfectly, but this one deserves better than what we have now. But I have ideas.
Matt, or whoever webmaster this gets to, I have a suggestion.
When I get to the end of an article and scroll past the mini-bio of who wrote it, can YOU PLEASE show the first chronological page comment/response/correction. NOT the most recent. The original.
And then show, an option to read to read the second level responses to the first level responses. Rather than clutter up the screen with a bunch of stuff that isn’t interesting to us, the end user.
Instead of the most recent responses that I don’t get the context of because I read the article after they did and made their comments.
And I say that as a base-level velour member. So, not as an investor, but also not a zero-level feces-thrower.
And, while you’re at redesigning “THE Autopian” 2.0 or whatever version you might do, give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that.
“give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that”
Isn’t that what the smily face under each post is for?
It’s too binary for me.
It’s also the name of a town about fifteen miles from me, on the Delaware-Maryland state line.
I saw that town on signs heading to Salisbury, MD from BWI. The trip to Salisbury, UK, was far more enjoyable.
That makes more sense than what we thought on the discord- that you had a movie night of ‘O brother, where art thou?’
“I’m a Dapper Dan man!”
Rusty was right there.
We’ve owned 3 i3s and had little kids in all of them.
The official BMW i “Function Cover” is great. Good quality (since we’ve been using it for 10 years now), soft on one side, water resistant on the other side without being plasticky, loops to attach to headrests, holes for belts in the right places.
It’s a must-have for kids+i3, IMO. We still use it in our other vehicles even now that we don’t have an i3 anymore.
I think it’s discontinued, but somebody might have one, like these guys:
https://parts.bmwoforlandpark.com/p/Bmw__i3/i-Function-Cover/71999159/51472348066.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqYy_TS_rdlfWbyv6yXtvu5wcJ1V2Gd246npgwcGBXfN6cFz4ff
So that’s where the Delmar name came from! I thought it was from:
David
ENHRN
L.A.
March 32
Maybe I am a bad enthusiast, but I just can’t be bothered to go to these lengths to baby proof my cars. I haul an almost three-year-old and a 9-month-old around in my CTR and minus the scuffs on the seat back its still relatively clean. Sure there will be marks in the seat from the pair of car seats, but who cares? Just gotta be prepared to wipe up a mess here, and there and plan to vacuum it out every time you wash the car. At the end of the day, they’re little tornados, cute ones, but still making messes everywhere.
When I would take my old Highlander to the car wash, one of the workers would see the child seat but swore I didn’t have any children because the interior was always so clean. We just didn’t allow any food in the car if we weren’t on a long road trip.
You’ll have to accept, as a new dad, that for every ounce of effort you consciously put into *protecting* something, Delmar will unconsciously putting double the effort into destroying/damaging.
Your dedication to trying to prevent messes, is admirable, but it’s time now that you accept that prevention is only 1/3 of the battle. Prevention, Containment, Cleanup. These are your new ideals
Keeping your light colored car interior clean is now your entire personality outside of work
Godspeed
Just pretend like Delmar is a wet dog and protect accordingly. I had rear bucket seats in my first “kid” vehicle. I had a Prince Lionheart seat protector that worked great and was a biohazard when it became time to get rid of it. However, I’d note that the car seat does catch a lot of junk by itself.
Oh, and in my view, it actually gets worse as they get older. My kid leaves so much trash and clothing (reeking of teen body odor) in my car now, that I actually break down and clean it my self rather than wait her out.
I’m sorry, David, but your interior is doomed. If you need convincing, I can send pics of my wife’s 2017 CR-V. Lightly colored cloth interiors should be illegal in anything with more than two seats.
You will never get away with no food and a yougun Dave – the answer is to only allow water in a sippy cup and dry cheerios. Kids love em, and it doesnt matter a ton if stray ones get around.
ABSOLUTELY NO MILK OR FORMULA! That stuff spills, and you will be smelling it – and not finding it – for-literal-ever.
I’d add the Weathertech Child Car Seat Protector. Big ol rubber mat that grabs some spills and crumbs, but mostly protects the seats from creases once you tighten down the car seat. They’ve worked great on my cars.
Delmar??? He will forever be Rusty to me.
One interesting condition of the modern world is how comfortable I was posting pictures of my daughter until she was about seven years old (later for boys, I expect). Babies are anonymous.
Bless your heart David. But after all, it is only your first child. 😉 You will learn my son. This battle you can not win young Skywalker.
As the owner of two small children (5yo and 10mo), I have a solution for the biggest problems you’ll face: NO FOOD IN THE CAR! EVER! I live in bear country, and it’s not at all uncommon for them to find their way into Subarus and Jeeps hinter and yon, rendering them the automotive equivalent of cube steak. You WILL forget to lock doors, close garage doors, etc. The ONLY deterrent is no attractant. No food in the car is super easy to do.
The other is to keep gloves and a pair of towels in the trunk. Initially, this was to keep my greasy clothes off the nice leather upholstery, but turns out they work for muddy kids too. It seems like it’d be quite the event that results in me being greasy AND more than one kid being muddy.
You’re not doomed…..you won’t care. And if you do care, look a over at that little emoji-faced bundle and question why you care about the car with him riding behind you.
That and still bet you will be using the Lexus 95% or more of the time….
I was the parent responsible for taking my kids to daycare or school for most of their lives. The two vehicles they rode in the most were my 2005 Outback and Later a 2007 Honda Odyssey. Seat covers, fabric protectants, a little forethought with snake choices and regular cleanings will work just fine.
You don’t know what Hell is until you’ve tried to clean formula that has fermented in your baby’s gut that he projectile vomited all over the mouse fur interior of a GMC Envoy…
Baby in the back of an i3 will be a struggle with the car seat, they’re massive, and barely fit in the back seat of most vehicles. (Especially if you have an adult in the front seat)
Prepare to use a different car.
Also, the odds of you having this car when they’re riding bikes is low. Deep breath new dad, you’ll be fine… and so will the i3
The best decision we did for our peace of mind for our minivan was to get a monthly membership for the car wash and I go there every weekend. The amount of shoe marks on the back seats… but they are not babies anymore, the oldest one is 11 and still don’t care about cars, the same way he don’t care about his room lol
They always ask me if they are going to get the Miata or Beetle for high school and I look at the back seat and say, when you keep your area clean, sure. In the meantime, you are getting the truck with vinyl flooring, manual transmission, no AC.
With all the money you will spend on accessories and protectants, maybe just buy an old Astro and stop worrying ??
lol The New Delmar Roos already has your receding hairline…wear it with pride!
If you want to see how your hair recedes in the future, look to the past, aka your own baby pictures.
Its not just the food you need to worry about. You are going to have to do a pat down for crayons every time he gets back there once he is old enough to use them without eating them. I will never forget the Honda service tech showing us the art gallery my middle child had started in the back of our Odyssey.
That is an really easy way to keep your car a bit safer from kids: no food or drinks other then water in daddy’s car, leave that for mommy’s car.
Even if you have to go to the next corner, take wife’s car.
-Why don’t we use your car?
-Low on gas/tires are bit low for all of us/it has a strange noise that I want to take a look before that can leave us stranded.
Que sera, sera. At least you don’t have snow/slush/mudseason for half of the year.
But I would avoid the (likely some sort of) forever-chemical protection sprays from the interior. Nothing sticks to it, yet it still wears off…
As the parent of 5 kids, most of whom are adults, allow me a maniacal laugh. Not only will they get unspeakable spooge everywhere, they will manage to break things you never would anticipate. Like the time a kid grabbed and sheered off the front ceiling light console on my Sierra. Or managed to crack the door panel by putting all 40 lbs of its body into yanking the door closed from a booster seat. Now, maybe my kids were just unusually feral, but….probably not.
Good luck. And maybe just get a minivan and plan on paying for a good cleaning every few months.
When my son was in your son’s age group, there was a saying going around that essentially said, for every “no” there should be ten “yeses.”
Our job as parents is to find or engineer those yeses.
You can enforce some discipline, but ultimately you priorities lies with your kid, not your car (which only goes to show the size of your love towards him, since cars were your life so far).
In any case, any marks you can’t get off will be reminders of a life well lived and kid(s) well raised, so don’t worry, you’ll have your car and the memories too. And since you don’t plan to sell it anyway, it will be part of your kid(s) memories too.
New nickname: Homefries (NHRN)
Also, from the looks of it, that awful interior (and exterior for that matter) already looks trashed by a kid…
Oh wait…they designed it that way
Ha ha
I’m not saying you’re overreacting because I know how much you love this car, and I know how many people have said kids are car interior destroyers. But, I will attempt to give you a glimmer of hope:
I have a toddler and other than goldfish crackers and the occasional sandy shoe, she has not done any of the stereotypical toddler car spillage horror story things. She has spilled water, but that was on herself, and got on her carseat. The actual car’s seat? Nothing. She’s not some magically neat kid in general either. And maybe it’s just luck. And maybe now I’m jinxing myself. But it is possible to go several years without baby car damage.