With the arrival of my beautiful child Delmar (not his real name), I find myself with a problem: My one safe, childworthy car also happens to be my newest, and it also happens to be in mint condition. And I mean mint. It is a car I love so much that I spent a small fortune on it, and I plan to keep it for as long as I live. This is why I take extra care of it, but I’m worried that my child will not. In fact, I’m sure he won’t, which is why I need a plan to protect it from this his destructive tendencies. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
I was a kid once, and so were my five brothers, so I’m intimately aware of how careless children can be. I remember taking my bicycles out of the garage as a kid, and the number of times my sharp metal handlebar — whose rubber grip had been shredded off from all my crashes — scratched the side of our family’s Chevy Astro van is more than I care to count. That poor paint.
And the interior? Oh man, we vomited in it, we sat our muddy and wet butts on those seats, we got fishing hooks stuck in the headrests, we spilled every possible food all over — it was brutal. And then our dog just added to the mayhem.
My wife and I don’t have a dog yet, but I could see one on the horizon; right now, though, I want to focus on this child, because I shouldn’t let his smiley face fool me — this little guy will do a number on my BMW i3 unless I do something about it:
I’ve already started with a full PPF job. While the materials were provided by XPEL, and the installation was discounted by our sister-company Galpin, I still paid a few grand for this job, and I’ll tell you right away: It was worth it for the peace-of-mind — I’ve stopped having that recurring bicycle handlebar nightmare, and thoughts of Delmar swinging the door open onto a parking garage column no longer live in my head rent-free.
But that’s just the exterior — that’s the least of my worries. While my family’s Chevy Astro van’s interior actually managed to hold up remarkably well, that was a utilitarian machine meant for tough people-hauling duty. My BMW i3’s cabin is a hipster’s paradise, with “Kenaf” fibers making up the door panels, olive leaf-died leather on the seats and door panels, and — perhaps most worrying — wool. Lots of light-colored wool.
I am deeply concerned about the future of this wool. Will my child rub food or paint or excrement or whatever it is that children rub against mint-condition BMW i3 interior wool surfaces?
I can protect the seats reasonably well, I think, with some basic covers that go over the bench. In fact, it turns out BMW sells an OEM seat protector (see above)! I think that’s just to keep the child seat from rubbing against the seat (and the thing on the right is to cover the front seatback), so it really doesn’t offer a ton of coverage. Maybe I need something bigger, like this:
The manufacturer, Weathertech, even shows photos of dastardly child-behavior as proof that this seat-cover can handle a toddler:
Seriously? Cheerios? Why is the cup on its side; kid, pick it up! It’s just sitting there, spilling!
Oh lord, what? The animal crackers I can give a pass; we all lose one or two on its way from the bag to down the hatch, and the toys are going to trap sand — that’s hard to avoid. I don’t love the sideways cup, but it’s the sunscreen that’s killin’ me here! What the heck, kid?! Why is the sunscreen cap open, and why is there all this creme on the seatcover?
And… what are those on the front passenger’s seatback? Markers?! Absolutely not! Look at what this menace is doing with cups and sunscreen and crackers; there’s no chance they should have access to markers!
Sorry, I need to relax. But this is making me nervous! You know what else is making me nervous? My coworkers, who have not provided me any reassurance on this topic:
My god; two year-old carrots!
Maybe I should have a “no food in i3” policy, but I do have concerns because… I mean, I want my kid to eat and be happy. And lord knows, if he’s like me, he’ll want nothing more than to jam some McDonald’s french fries into his face during a roadtrip.
Anyway, I think the seat cover above will do the job, and the PPF will protect the outside, and I already have floor mats:
But there are two major issues that I still need to solve. The first is the seatback, which even on a normal car is a vulnerable spot, since children tend to kick seatbacks. But the i3 needs more than the BMW OEM seatback cover I showed before, because the seatback is a piece of off-white cloth that’s being stretched taught across a central opening.
Literally one swift kick will tear the fabric, and even if somehow the fabric holds up, it definitely won’t avoid stains.
So my plan is to buy some fairly stiff seatback protectors to prevent that fabric from tearing. Something like this:
My bigger worry is the rear armrests, because though I can protect the rear seat cushion and front seatbacks, what can I do about these lightly-colored wool armrests? I can’t really put a cover on them given their shape:
My colleague Thomas suggested “CQuartz Fabric 2.0,” which is a spray described as a “super-hydrophobic barrier that repels water and stains, whilst resisting abrasion, UV fading, alkaline and acid attack for up to 12 months.”
Hmm, looks like our friends at XPEL might have something similar. Does this stuff actual work? Will it permanently alter my beautiful wool? I’ll have to look into it.
In any case, I’m worried, because so many people have told me that I’m doomed, and to just embrace the destruction that will inevitably take place inside one of the most gorgeous automotive cabins ever designed. I’m not sure I can.
[Looks over at Delmar. Sees him spitting up milk and excreting strangely yellowish poos]. Yeah, maybe I am doomed.
Top Photo: Depositphotos.com/David Tracy
Delmar, for those wondering, is the name of the chief engineer of the WWII Jeep. Delmar “Barney” Roos. A total legend.
By the way, thank you all for your feedback! I’m reading every comment.
Best wishes for all of you.
Thank you!
Thank you for the explanation. You are now forgiven. 😉
And here I thought it was short for the DelMarVa peninsula.
I’m just glad it’s a pseudonym because every time I read it I think “old Delmar” thanks to Bing Crosby and living close to the Del Mar horse track and seeing their ads on TV.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxSnJZkH1KY
I’m still partial to Ferrous.
Bueller?
I’m thinking “Baller” depending on how pimped out that i3 ends up becoming.
Ferrous “Rusty” Baller. Has a nice ring to it, no?
Hahaha!
I’m too old to figure out the perfect programming to handle a website that handles comment threads perfectly, but this one deserves better than what we have now. But I have ideas.
Matt, or whoever webmaster this gets to, I have a suggestion.
When I get to the end of an article and scroll past the mini-bio of who wrote it, can YOU PLEASE show the first chronological page comment/response/correction. NOT the most recent. The original.
And then show, an option to read to read the second level responses to the first level responses. Rather than clutter up the screen with a bunch of stuff that isn’t interesting to us, the end user.
Instead of the most recent responses that I don’t get the context of because I read the article after they did and made their comments.
And I say that as a base-level velour member. So, not as an investor, but also not a zero-level feces-thrower.
And, while you’re at redesigning “THE Autopian” 2.0 or whatever version you might do, give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that.
“give us an opportunity to give a thumbs up or a heart or a laugh, without having to do an actual reply that we did any of that”
Isn’t that what the smily face under each post is for?
It’s too binary for me.
It’s also the name of a town about fifteen miles from me, on the Delaware-Maryland state line.
I saw that town on signs heading to Salisbury, MD from BWI. The trip to Salisbury, UK, was far more enjoyable.
That makes more sense than what we thought on the discord- that you had a movie night of ‘O brother, where art thou?’
“I’m a Dapper Dan man!”
Rusty was right there.
We’ve owned 3 i3s and had little kids in all of them.
The official BMW i “Function Cover” is great. Good quality (since we’ve been using it for 10 years now), soft on one side, water resistant on the other side without being plasticky, loops to attach to headrests, holes for belts in the right places.
It’s a must-have for kids+i3, IMO. We still use it in our other vehicles even now that we don’t have an i3 anymore.
I think it’s discontinued, but somebody might have one, like these guys:
https://parts.bmwoforlandpark.com/p/Bmw__i3/i-Function-Cover/71999159/51472348066.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqYy_TS_rdlfWbyv6yXtvu5wcJ1V2Gd246npgwcGBXfN6cFz4ff
Protect as much as you can, but black leather interior and “clean it up as quickly as possible” is the best answer. My son placed numerous calls to Ralph in the back of my truck back in the day, as long as I got to it quickly with proper cleaning methods it was fine.
Also – not all seat covers are equal. I had a quilted, padded cover meant for a dog – it was war and peace (nothing, and I mean NOTHING, got through it). I wish I remember where I got it, but a quick Google turned up plenty that look similar.
Good god. Good luck David.
I’ve given up long ago. When we were just two I washed our cars every two weeks, vacced and interior detailed about the same.
Then we had our first, and frankly, anything to make her happy in the car i’d allow. She was tough.
Now the million stickers on her window is a source of pride for her (I think this is limited as she’s seven) and, oh man, the snacks on the seats.
Number two doesn’t seem as bad (1 and change).
My advice: one of those dog mats under the car seat. Always.
Next, is relax. It’s a car. Delmar is your kid. And kids need to be kids.
Most of all though: congrats!!! Welcome to the best club on the planet. It is by far the thing I’ve been best at and the best thing I’ve done! It gets better with every passing day.
All the older parents who tell you to enjoy it cause it goes so fast are absolutely right.
You don’t have a dog… but you have Kittens… Well now Cats… and at some point you may need to read trip with both kid and kitties… And that woll is going to be great scratching posts if the kitties are let out of their carrying boxes.
My son spilled his gallon of raw milk he was toting to school for a cheesemaking project. That car was nearly totaled due to the rank smell. Later, in a different vehicle he left coffee (with cream) in a travel mug for a week and then it tipped over…the kid tries to kill cars with spoiled dairy.
For teenage Delmar, get him a manual car, so he can’t easily text and shift. Also get a 2 seater since all the bad ideas tend to come from backseat drivers and backseat activities. I suggest a ND Miata in about 16 years from now.
I can only offer advice for how to deal with the inevitable in car vomit. Of course you’ll need to clean every spot you can find, but when that’s done using an ozone generator will erase that lingering smell that sticks around (sometimes forever.
Put the generator in the car with the power cord through a cracked window with the circulation fan on recirculate mode for 20-30 minutes. Quickly remove the power cord, and leave the car sealed for a couple hours then let the lingering ozone smell air-out overnight and the interior will have no smell at all.
This also works quite well if you manage to get a too-good-to-pass deal on a smoker’s car, it takes a couple tries but it will totally eradicate the lingering smoke smell.
If you hadn’t found all these great items, I was going to suggest looking at seat covers and protectors for dogs. My dog drags everything into the car, and the Kurgo seat cover I have works great. You also want to be sure anything you get is machine washable.
I’ve found that the “no eating in the car” rule lasts about as long as you do when you have a screaming child in the back who is easily placated with a container of animal crackers. But then again you could just turn up the music.
I feel confident you will fail despite best planning and practices. This, of course, doesn’t mean not to try.
Regardless, congratulations! (again).
I’d worry about making myself miserable being overly paranoid.
I’ve never stressed about it and never had any issues. I put a 2 and a 4 year old in my M2 every day. The only thing I did was get individual covers for between the car seat and the actual seat. The biggest issue I’ve had is using a baby wipe really quick to get some milk splatters. Anytime they’ve upgraded to a new seat all I’ve done is give the cover a quick wipe down and vacuuming.
I’m way more stressed that they’ll want to touch something hot like exhaust or brakes. My 2 year old gravitates to my wheels every time he gets out of the car.
My kids are now 15 and 9. When they were babies, we simply had a “no eating” rule in the car. If the kids absolutely had to eat, we pulled over somewhere and got out. After a few years, my cars looked no different than before.
Having just moved out of the destructive phase with my kids, and buying a number of interior protection products, I can tell you that you’re going to need it all. First, forget the smaller seat covers, they’re pretty useless as spills just go around them and get all over the interior. Get the big boy that covers the entire bench. Definitely get the seat back protector; not only does it block little muddy shoes from getting all over the upholstery, but the include extra pockets for all the stuff Delmar is going to want to bring with him wherever he goes. Also, get door panel protectors since the aforementioned muddy shoes and also sticky fingers find their way onto any surface within reach.
Finally, have a couple of good bottles of interior cleaner and microfiber cloths on hand. No matter how good the above protection products are (and they are good, especially Weathertech) you’re still going to have messes to clean up.
I would like to propose an official duty for the Autopian staff to regularly (each month) take a quick poll of David’s outlook on this topic, and plot over time. It can be something simple, such as optimism of keeping the car “mint” (0-100%), amount of damage done to various vehicles (0, “mint” to 100, completely destroyed), and level of acceptance of the destruction (0, still in denial to 100, no longer cares at all about the damage). Update articles on the status every 6-12 months would be entertaining.
Personally, 4.5 years in, I’m probably at 0%, 30%, 80%.
2026: David has realized that no matter what he tries, shit happens to his car and he cannot prevent it. Has also spent one year learning how much you can’t control when you have a baby. Gives up, relaxes (somewhat), discovers newfound equanimity.
2027: David announces that wife is pregnant with kid #2, announces that he is selling the car he thought he would keep for the rest of his life because it’s not big enough.
I got a 2025 Lyriq earlier this week, with what is basically white upholstery. My 9-year-old goddaughter fixed her mouth yesterday to ask if she could bring her red soda in the car with us. You can imagine my response.
You know, keeping that second i3 makes a lot more sense now, doesn’t it?
I’m curious about 3 passengers esp as Delmar’s legs get longer. It was a tight fit in my wife’s ct200h (def no road trips), but now that our guy has graduated to booster seat we’re in the clear.
The i3 is roomier than one might think. However, the rear-facing car seat is the deal-breaker (for many vehicles, not just an i3 which has the advantage of the suicide doors).
Get a horse muck tub and keep the kid in it till they hit puberty, then a military academy
Add covers and stuff, do your best but don’t sweat it. If you truly are going to keep this car those stains and scuffs will bring back memories of your kid’s childhood and will make it more your car instead of a museum piece.
Children in cars will perform awesome feats of strength in order to defile said cars. My own performance was projectile barfing from my mother’s lap onto the front windshield of my dad’s 1968 Chevelle SS in the early fall of my first year of life. This barf slurped along the window and down into the heater vents.
My dad tried to remedy the situation, but ended up selling the car before winter came required the use of heat. I can only imagine the horror in the face of the new owner on the first cold day after he bought it.