I was woken up at 5:51 am this morning by the loud mechanical klaxon that acts as the ringer to my land-line phone. Only six people in the world have this number: our editor-in-chief David, noted actress Shohreh Aghdashloo, a medium who has established she has regular contact with the late Muppet creator Jim Henson, acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Standards and Technology and Acting NIST Director Craig Burkhardt, an art student selected by the Warhol Foundation every six months, and the one that is relevant today, Fabiola Gianotti, head of CERN.
“Ungh. Hello?” I was barely awake when I picked up the heavy red receiver.
“Car names. Clams. We need you to put the word clam in some car names,” the voice on the other end said.
“Shohreh? Is that you? I said I was sorry, already? The fuck you want from me?”
“It’s not Shohreh. It’s Fabiola. Get your ass up. I need clam-car names.”
“What? Why?”
“Higgs boson shit. Have them to me by 11 am or… just have them to me.”
Then a click, and a staticky dial tone. I’ve learned over the years that it’s just easier to do what Fabiola says, so let’s get to it. She wants some car names but with the word “clam” integrated into them, so let’s treat it like an experiment to see if this improves any of the names. Ready? Too Bad!
Chevy Clamaro
Ford Maverclam
Honda Clamfit/Clamjazz
VW Scirroclam
Oldsmobile Clamoronado
Clamillac Clam D’Ville
Rolls-Royce Dead Clam’s Silver Ghostclam
Honda Civiclam
Pontiac Fireclam
Ford Thunderclam
Ford Clamprobe
Chevy Clamette (the Chevette one)
Chevy Clamette (the Corvette one)
Volvo Clamazon
Studebakedclam Avanticlam
AMC (the C stands for “clam” here) Gremclam
De Tomaso Manclamsta
Fiat Topolinoclam
Zaporozets 965-Clam
Chevy Clamvair
Cadillac Esclamade
VW ID.Clam
BMW Clamvaria
Renault Clampine
Pontiac Trans-Clam
Ford Clamstang
Buick Regalclam
Oldsmobile Clam 88
Jeep Clamrangler
Toyota Clamrolla
Nissan Versaclam
Nissan Murano CrossClam
Ford Model Clam
Acura ClamSX
Tesla Cyberclam
Hyundai Ioniclam 5
Kia Optimaclam
Cadillac Clamiq
Audi TclamT
Hudson Hornclam
Clamerham 7
Mercedes-Benz S-Clam
Citroën C4 Airclam
Morris Minorclam
This may be enough to come up with at least a tentative answer to the experiment: no.
Still, maybe I’m wrong. I just hope these are enough? Feel free to add more of your own in the comments! CERN thanks you!
Stutz DV-32 Super Bearclam
Citroën Traclam Avant
Auto Union Type Clam
VW Clamman Ghia
Ferrari 166 MM Touring Barclamma
AztekClam
ClamRodius
RAM ClamMaster
Dodge Trans ClamSport RV
Honda ClamCivic CVCC
CompoundClam
VortexClam
ControlledClam
CombustionClam
Caterclam 7
Oldsmobile Clamado
Clamski Avtomobili Zavod (KAMAZ)
Kaiser-Overcooked ClamJ
Clamillac Clamais
Chevrolet El Clamino
Mitsubishi Clamcer. And the Clamcer Evolution. Totally snuffed out of existence
I swear half of these posts must have been written by clambots.
Jason, are you sure it wasn’t a wet dream?
Abalone! You’re just being shellfish!
Skoda Octavia Clambi
Lancia Claminia
Clamann Ghia
Lancia Clambda
Renault Clamgoo
Ariel Clamatom. It’s a car and a cocktail ingredient.
I hope you were listening to Shannon & the Clams as you were writing this!
Now my Ford Macht-Clammy needs an 8-track so I can play my Blue Oyster Cult collection.
“Mazda Clamiata” rolls off the tongue surprisingly well
I was imagining a different exercise: adding the word Clam rather than subbing it in.
Jeep Clam Wrangler
Suzuki Clam Samurai
Ford Clam Rancher
Honda Clam Pilot
And so on
Mercury Clam Marquis.
Ford Clam Torino.
In Latin America: The Chevy Clamado mini-truck.
Was that Mercury Clam marquis available with the rumored De’Sade package as well?
Most Grand Marquis owners probably bought them to satisfy their inner sadists.
Ford F-Clam50 Super Duty
Is it too late for Dual Overhead Camshaft? It works on a bivalve system.
Jeepster Clammando
Nissan Clam-body (Hard Clam?)