I was woken up at 5:51 am this morning by the loud mechanical klaxon that acts as the ringer to my land-line phone. Only six people in the world have this number: our editor-in-chief David, noted actress Shohreh Aghdashloo, a medium who has established she has regular contact with the late Muppet creator Jim Henson, acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Standards and Technology and Acting NIST Director Craig Burkhardt, an art student selected by the Warhol Foundation every six months, and the one that is relevant today, Fabiola Gianotti, head of CERN.
“Ungh. Hello?” I was barely awake when I picked up the heavy red receiver.
“Car names. Clams. We need you to put the word clam in some car names,” the voice on the other end said.
“Shohreh? Is that you? I said I was sorry, already? The fuck you want from me?”
“It’s not Shohreh. It’s Fabiola. Get your ass up. I need clam-car names.”
“What? Why?”
“Higgs boson shit. Have them to me by 11 am or… just have them to me.”
Then a click, and a staticky dial tone. I’ve learned over the years that it’s just easier to do what Fabiola says, so let’s get to it. She wants some car names but with the word “clam” integrated into them, so let’s treat it like an experiment to see if this improves any of the names. Ready? Too Bad!
Chevy Clamaro
Ford Maverclam
Honda Clamfit/Clamjazz
VW Scirroclam
Oldsmobile Clamoronado
Clamillac Clam D’Ville
Rolls-Royce Dead Clam’s Silver Ghostclam
Honda Civiclam
Pontiac Fireclam
Ford Thunderclam
Ford Clamprobe
Chevy Clamette (the Chevette one)
Chevy Clamette (the Corvette one)
Volvo Clamazon
Studebakedclam Avanticlam
AMC (the C stands for “clam” here) Gremclam
De Tomaso Manclamsta
Fiat Topolinoclam
Zaporozets 965-Clam
Chevy Clamvair
Cadillac Esclamade
VW ID.Clam
BMW Clamvaria
Renault Clampine
Pontiac Trans-Clam
Ford Clamstang
Buick Regalclam
Oldsmobile Clam 88
Jeep Clamrangler
Toyota Clamrolla
Nissan Versaclam
Nissan Murano CrossClam
Ford Model Clam
Acura ClamSX
Tesla Cyberclam
Hyundai Ioniclam 5
Kia Optimaclam
Cadillac Clamiq
Audi TclamT
Hudson Hornclam
Clamerham 7
Mercedes-Benz S-Clam
Citroën C4 Airclam
Morris Minorclam
This may be enough to come up with at least a tentative answer to the experiment: no.
Still, maybe I’m wrong. I just hope these are enough? Feel free to add more of your own in the comments! CERN thanks you!
Clam Spinner
https://pixarcars.fandom.com/wiki/Cam_Spinner
This is exactly why I pay my membership fee. 10/10, no notes. I’m particularly fond of “Thunderclam”.
Thunderclam is funny on so many levels…
Clamari Clamifornia
Dodge Clam-a-Ram whoa Black Betty..
Dodge Clamcharger
are we certain it’s not Ram-a-Clam ?
Only once Ram-a-clam was spun off as it’s own clambrand.
Mini Clamper
Mini Clubclam
Mini Clamtryman
Mini Clamster
Mini Clamvertible
Any mini model, really.
Mini Countryclam
Mini models are so clammable, the most difficult part isn’t determining if it can be clammed, but rather where to put it!
No Clamborghini yet? They would have the Clamardo followed by the Huraclam.
You mean like a bivalvole model maybe?
Reminds me of when I rode a Ducati Clamodromic.
Sponsored by SHELL.
Dodge Clamni
Ford Esclam
Plymouth Reliant Klam
Pontiac Grand Clam
Chevy Clamalier
Ford LTD Broughclam
Nissan Clamada
Torch… I’m not sure what exactly is in that Carolina weed that you’re smoking. But I think I want some of it.
And now my car is officially a Kia Clamdenza. Unfortunately I don’t have the special edition endorsed by everyone’s favorite celebrity – the Kia Tony Danza Clamdenza.
Someone’s been watching too much Bubble Guppies.
Jaguar X-Clam?
He’s got a Claaaaaaaaam
Toyota Clamry
Thunderclam wins this competition before it even begins. It’s fantastic. That’s going to be stuck in my head ever time I see a T-Bird for the rest of my life.
Dodge Clamravan
I though the lede would be the Pontiac Clam-Am based on the pic.
Pontiac Grand-Clam?
Ford Musselstang? Wait, I may not be doing this right…
The Nissan S-Cargo was already related.
911 Clamerra?
Mercedes ACLAMG GT
Maserati Bivalveturbo
Chrysler Clamperial with the HEMI-titus A
VW has just announced the newest member of their EV lineup: in collaboration with Scion, the Clam I.D. IA
Hindustan Clambassador
Dodge Clampage
Any model of Clambulance
Clambassador!
😀
AMC had to stop making the Clambassador when they extincted the Great Lakes clams. The chief engineer, who was Wisconsin’s foremost seafood expert, went on to invent Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
I am feeling a bit clammy and not to pearly today due to the bears losing. But a Pontiac Clammeville wagon would cheer me up.
I hope one day in the future, anti-AI tests like Captcha evolve into deciphering Jason’s jokes, like the bridgekeeper in the Holy Grail. We could call it a “Torcha”Autoclam AZ-1
If you could use the names of varieties of clams the possibilities might be endless.
Ford Thunderclam put the first smile on my face in days. Thanks for the comical therapy!
Also De Clamaso Clamtera
Did you order HoJo clam strips last nite?