I was woken up at 5:51 am this morning by the loud mechanical klaxon that acts as the ringer to my land-line phone. Only six people in the world have this number: our editor-in-chief David, noted actress Shohreh Aghdashloo, a medium who has established she has regular contact with the late Muppet creator Jim Henson, acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Standards and Technology and Acting NIST Director Craig Burkhardt, an art student selected by the Warhol Foundation every six months, and the one that is relevant today, Fabiola Gianotti, head of CERN.
“Ungh. Hello?” I was barely awake when I picked up the heavy red receiver.
“Car names. Clams. We need you to put the word clam in some car names,” the voice on the other end said.
“Shohreh? Is that you? I said I was sorry, already? The fuck you want from me?”
“It’s not Shohreh. It’s Fabiola. Get your ass up. I need clam-car names.”
“What? Why?”
“Higgs boson shit. Have them to me by 11 am or… just have them to me.”
Then a click, and a staticky dial tone. I’ve learned over the years that it’s just easier to do what Fabiola says, so let’s get to it. She wants some car names but with the word “clam” integrated into them, so let’s treat it like an experiment to see if this improves any of the names. Ready? Too Bad!
Chevy Clamaro
Ford Maverclam
Honda Clamfit/Clamjazz
VW Scirroclam
Oldsmobile Clamoronado
Clamillac Clam D’Ville
Rolls-Royce Dead Clam’s Silver Ghostclam
Honda Civiclam
Pontiac Fireclam
Ford Thunderclam
Ford Clamprobe
Chevy Clamette (the Chevette one)
Chevy Clamette (the Corvette one)
Volvo Clamazon
Studebakedclam Avanticlam
AMC (the C stands for “clam” here) Gremclam
De Tomaso Manclamsta
Fiat Topolinoclam
Zaporozets 965-Clam
Chevy Clamvair
Cadillac Esclamade
VW ID.Clam
BMW Clamvaria
Renault Clampine
Pontiac Trans-Clam
Ford Clamstang
Buick Regalclam
Oldsmobile Clam 88
Jeep Clamrangler
Toyota Clamrolla
Nissan Versaclam
Nissan Murano CrossClam
Ford Model Clam
Acura ClamSX
Tesla Cyberclam
Hyundai Ioniclam 5
Kia Optimaclam
Cadillac Clamiq
Audi TclamT
Hudson Hornclam
Clamerham 7
Mercedes-Benz S-Clam
Citroën C4 Airclam
Morris Minorclam
This may be enough to come up with at least a tentative answer to the experiment: no.
Still, maybe I’m wrong. I just hope these are enough? Feel free to add more of your own in the comments! CERN thanks you!
Sir, that is a Pontiac FireScallop.
Clams don’t look like that.
What about the Buick Gooeyduck
Mussel Car
Jeepster Clammando!
The bivalve on the hood of that Pontiac is a scallop, not a clam. The difference is readily apparent when comparing the Shell logo from 1900 (clam) with subsequent versions from 1904 to present (scallop):
https://royaldutchshellplc.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Screen-Shot-2011-12-03-at-14.19.39.jpg
On a family road trip when my youngest sibling was just a toddler she said she needed to use the bathroom and wanted us to stop at the Potato Chip. It took our parents a moment to figure out she meant a Shell gas station. This was right around the time they redesigned the logo when they moved the name outside of the scallop so our parents were still thinking of the logo with the name inside the scallop which partly contributed to the moment it took them to figure it out.
Uh, Torch? Did you swipe some of Mark’s post-op pain pills?
Stanley ClamSteamer. Why waste all of that steam you have to vent when you could use it to make some tasty clams? Add old bay seasoning to the water tank and you are good to go.
Oldsmobile Cutlass Clamera
Pontiac Firebird Trans-Clam
Opel Klamdett
Clamborghini Clamtach
Toyota Clamry
Subaru BRAT (but the B stands for “Bivalve”)
I don’t know how he missed the Clamry
I know! It was sitting right there!
“Chevy Clamette (the Chevette one)
Chevy Clamette (the Corvette one)”
Clamvette and Clamvette? Wait… okay, Clamevette and Clamrvette? Dunno how one would pronounce the latter one.
(Still too damn early in the morning & still not sufficient coffee, oh well)
Panhard Dyna Clam
Clamhard Clamyna X and Clamyna Z
Clamatra 603
Clamburg 353
Lloyd Clamander
Borgward Clamabella
Borgclam Isaclam
Austin Clameven
Jaguar Clam-Type
Clamswagen Clamsporter
Chevy Clamzer
Rumpler Tropfenclam
Clampler Clamwagen
Citroën Clamehari
GAZ Clamelle
Peel Clam50
Peel Clamdent
Peel Triclam
Saab Clamett
Plymouth Roadclam
Plymouth Barraclam or ‘Clam
Reliant Clam (since Reliant already has Robin, Kitten, and Fox so what’s another animal to them?)
Likewise for Piaggio since they have the Vespa (Wasp) and the Ape (Bee) so Piaggio Clam
And, finally for now, Hoffmann Clam, since it *really* does look like a clam: https://www.lanemotormuseum.org/collection/cars/item/hoffmann-1951/
“Clamehari” is gold.
Wow Jason. I guess you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning!
These are not the ramblings of a drunk, these are the words crafted by a mind loaded up on Peyote, traversing an Automotive Vision Quest.
Today: Can Car Names Be Improved By Incorporating ‘Clam’ Into Them?
Yesterday: The Ford Maverick’s Worst-Named Special Edition
╭(-᷅_-᷄ 〝)╮
Ford Maverick Clam Grabber
Nope, turns out ‘Clam’ does not improve car names.
Mercury Mollusc
I endorse this.
Are we allowed other shellfish?
Hyundai Velobster
Otherwise
Jeep Clamander
Ford Eclamsport (Pronounced Ekclamsport)
Hyundai Genesis Clampe
claMazda ClaMiata
claMazda ClaMX-5 (MX-5)
claMazda ClamX-5 (CX-5)
claMazda ClamX-3
claMercedes CLAm
I just realized the C in CERN must stand for “Clam”
I went to a restaurant that served fried clams last night and got fish and chips. If only I knew.
Velobster bwaahaha now i want to buy one of those wacky hatchbacks just to make a velobster car
Volvo Clamazon. That hood would lend itself well to molluskation. Perhaps even a fossil species for some paleontological preference
CLAM General Clammer
Clam Power Wagon
Clam TRX
I have a Ford Maverclam and a Mercedes C Clam (or is it a Clam-300?).
Clams Posillipo with Linguine and garlic bread, Garden Salad vinaigrette, a bottle of Chianti Classico, and a Fiat Multipla fra diavolo.
No notes
Triumph SpitClam.
Dodge Grand CaraClam
Pontiac ClamChief
GMC 15CLAM
Cugnot Clammer
Buddy Rich knew how to use “Clam” properly and definitively:
BR- What the fuck do you think is goin’ on here? You had too many fuckin’ days off and you think this is a fuckin’ game!? You think I’m the only one that’s gonna work up there while you motherfuckers sit out there and clam all over this fuckin’ joint!? What do you think this is anyhow? What kind of playing do you think this is? What kinda miscues do you call this? What fuckin’ band do you think you’re playin’ on, motherfuckers? You wanna fuck with me on the bandstand?
…Shut that fuckin’ door! I’m up there working my balls off, trying to do somebody a favor, and you motherfuckers are suckin’ all over this joint. What kind of trumpet section do you call this tonight? And saxophones…you gotta fuckin’ be kidding me! How dare you call yourselves professionals. Assholes! You’re playin’ like fucking children up there. You got your fuc…(distracted momentarily) where the fuck are you?
Where is Peneke? (turns to the Trombonist) You’ve got your fuckin’ horn so far deep in the fuckin’ bell, we don’t need to have a band here tonight. You afraid you won’t be heard? Everybody can hear your fuckin’ clams out there. You don’t need a mike for that. You’re takin’ up too much fuckin’ time blowin’ what? Shit!! You stand out here all night tryin’ to blow your fuckin’ brains out; when it comes time to play, what do you play? Clams!! You got nowhere to fuckin’ go tonight the next set because if I hear one fuckin’ clam from anybody, you’ve had it! One clam and this whole fuckin’ band is through…tonight!! Try me! You got some fuckin’ nerve. Nights off, nothin’ to do, and you come in and play this kind of shit for me…Fuck all of you!!
Props for this deep cut. Been a long time since I’ve seen any reference to his rant on the bus
McLamren MP4-12Clam
Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
smells like a clam and seats thirty-five..
CLAMYONEROOOOO.
Top of the line in shellfish sports; unexplained openings are a matter for the courts!
Subaru Clamtrek?
Subaru Imprezaclam
I totally calling my wife’s Crosstrek the Clamtrek from now on.
Acura Clamor (Vigor).
The Clammodore, of course.
Olds Toroclamato
Triumph Clamfire. (w/ clamshell bonnet)
Plymouth Clamacuda
Plymouth Roadclammer
Chevrolet El Clamino
Jeep Clampass
Suzuki Clamurai
Subaru Clamback
Hyundai Santa Clam
Kia Soul Clam
Tesla Cyber Clam