I was woken up at 5:51 am this morning by the loud mechanical klaxon that acts as the ringer to my land-line phone. Only six people in the world have this number: our editor-in-chief David, noted actress Shohreh Aghdashloo, a medium who has established she has regular contact with the late Muppet creator Jim Henson, acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Standards and Technology and Acting NIST Director Craig Burkhardt, an art student selected by the Warhol Foundation every six months, and the one that is relevant today, Fabiola Gianotti, head of CERN.
“Ungh. Hello?” I was barely awake when I picked up the heavy red receiver.
“Car names. Clams. We need you to put the word clam in some car names,” the voice on the other end said.
“Shohreh? Is that you? I said I was sorry, already? The fuck you want from me?”
“It’s not Shohreh. It’s Fabiola. Get your ass up. I need clam-car names.”
“What? Why?”
“Higgs boson shit. Have them to me by 11 am or… just have them to me.”
Then a click, and a staticky dial tone. I’ve learned over the years that it’s just easier to do what Fabiola says, so let’s get to it. She wants some car names but with the word “clam” integrated into them, so let’s treat it like an experiment to see if this improves any of the names. Ready? Too Bad!
Chevy Clamaro
Ford Maverclam
Honda Clamfit/Clamjazz
VW Scirroclam
Oldsmobile Clamoronado
Clamillac Clam D’Ville
Rolls-Royce Dead Clam’s Silver Ghostclam
Honda Civiclam
Pontiac Fireclam
Ford Thunderclam
Ford Clamprobe
Chevy Clamette (the Chevette one)
Chevy Clamette (the Corvette one)
Volvo Clamazon
Studebakedclam Avanticlam
AMC (the C stands for “clam” here) Gremclam
De Tomaso Manclamsta
Fiat Topolinoclam
Zaporozets 965-Clam
Chevy Clamvair
Cadillac Esclamade
VW ID.Clam
BMW Clamvaria
Renault Clampine
Pontiac Trans-Clam
Ford Clamstang
Buick Regalclam
Oldsmobile Clam 88
Jeep Clamrangler
Toyota Clamrolla
Nissan Versaclam
Nissan Murano CrossClam
Ford Model Clam
Acura ClamSX
Tesla Cyberclam
Hyundai Ioniclam 5
Kia Optimaclam
Cadillac Clamiq
Audi TclamT
Hudson Hornclam
Clamerham 7
Mercedes-Benz S-Clam
Citroën C4 Airclam
Morris Minorclam
This may be enough to come up with at least a tentative answer to the experiment: no.
Still, maybe I’m wrong. I just hope these are enough? Feel free to add more of your own in the comments! CERN thanks you!
How high are you right now, Jason?!
yes
Lincoln Conchinental?
Why is there a scallop on the hood of the car in the illustration, and not a clam?
Of the cars I’ve owned, I think the most clammable is the Plymouth Clamdance.
The questing isn’t “what is Torch smoking/taking?” it’s “wait, the select list of people who have his personal landline number doesn’t include his wife and son?”
they live with me!
Uhhh… Trying to come up with a way to say it might still be useful, but… You’re the one who had to bail his parents out…
No, that makes sense. They don’t need to call the red phone with the particular kind of emergencies that warrant these articles. The President’s family probably doesn’t have the number for the Moscow-Washington Hotline.
I’d opt for a Dodge Clam Van or Toyota Clam Cruiser
Both offer plenty of room for lemons and butter.
Maybe any car with dual overhead clams or variable bivalve timing? Mussel cars too.
I drove a Ford Foclam for a bit. It was quicker than my Clamsplorer and my Chevy Clamvalier, but I traded it in for an even quicker Honda Clamic. Now I drive a CLAM4 Prime.
My first car was a Chevy Clamtation, which feels uncomfortably close to a shortening of “clam plantation,” unfortunately.
Clamtation; it’s like Soup Plantation, but they only have chowder.
Yeah, that’s FIRMLY in The Bad Place
Michael: One of my employees is blackmailing me. Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, A Little Bit Chowder Now.
Tahani Al-Jamil: Oh, the place with the-the chowder fountain?
Eleanor Shellstrop: No, that’s Pump Up the Clam. A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder.
[gagging]
I was today years old when I learned that Amazon owns the domain name “Clamazon.com”. It sucks because I had this sweet idea for a business that would be super great for a desert dweller like me, and that is to start Clamazon which would be like Amazon but for just clams, and possibly clamshell containers. I could have distribution warehouses globally and you could get clams same day if you order by a certain time. I would be as wealthy as Bezos in no time.
I’d Prime that.
My parents had an early 70s Austin Clamerica. I mean, Austin America.
Subaru Tribeclam
Mercedes-BMW CLA-M40i
Just say no to drugs, kids.
Also, Toyota Clamry.
I came into the comments hoping no one had beaten me to
Chevy Nova Twin Clam
We should also honor the GM wagons of 1971-76 with the disappearing Clamshell tailgate. You know, the Chevy Clampala, Pontiac Clamalina and others.
GM missed another opportunity as there was never a Geo Duck.
You missed the opportunity for the Lotus Europa Twin Clam!
D’oh! But how about the Vega Klammback wagon?
And the infamous ’78 Dodge Lil’ Neck Truck?
My hands get clammy just thinking about it.
People were clamoring for them.
Geo Duck would’ve been a great name for an amphibious Tracker.
Chevy Clamonza
Pontiac Grand Clam
Autozclam AZ-1
Cadillac Blackclam or Clamwing, even better.
Ferrari 250 CTO (ie, Clam Turismo Omolagatois)
I would drive the hell out of a Thunderclam! That word absolutely rules.
Clammy Mc Clamface. Wait, that’s a boat.
I don’t think I spotted a take on the Cascadia…
Buick Clamidia
Clamauto?…
Jeep Cheroclam
Buick Skyclam
Buick Eleclam 225
Chevrolet Silverclamato
Dodge Royal Clamster
Mercury Montclam
Mercury Colony Clam
Lincoln Town Clam
Lincoln Claminental
Chrysler New Clammer
Lotus Europa Twin Clam
Renault Le Clam
Lamborghini Clamuelto
Lamborghini Clamentador
Lamborghini Clamtenario
Daewoo Clamnos
Daewoo Clamanza
Clamborghini was right there.