I was woken up at 5:51 am this morning by the loud mechanical klaxon that acts as the ringer to my land-line phone. Only six people in the world have this number: our editor-in-chief David, noted actress Shohreh Aghdashloo, a medium who has established she has regular contact with the late Muppet creator Jim Henson, acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Standards and Technology and Acting NIST Director Craig Burkhardt, an art student selected by the Warhol Foundation every six months, and the one that is relevant today, Fabiola Gianotti, head of CERN.
“Ungh. Hello?” I was barely awake when I picked up the heavy red receiver.
“Car names. Clams. We need you to put the word clam in some car names,” the voice on the other end said.
“Shohreh? Is that you? I said I was sorry, already? The fuck you want from me?”
“It’s not Shohreh. It’s Fabiola. Get your ass up. I need clam-car names.”
“What? Why?”
“Higgs boson shit. Have them to me by 11 am or… just have them to me.”
Then a click, and a staticky dial tone. I’ve learned over the years that it’s just easier to do what Fabiola says, so let’s get to it. She wants some car names but with the word “clam” integrated into them, so let’s treat it like an experiment to see if this improves any of the names. Ready? Too Bad!
Chevy Clamaro
Ford Maverclam
Honda Clamfit/Clamjazz
VW Scirroclam
Oldsmobile Clamoronado
Clamillac Clam D’Ville
Rolls-Royce Dead Clam’s Silver Ghostclam
Honda Civiclam
Pontiac Fireclam
Ford Thunderclam
Ford Clamprobe
Chevy Clamette (the Chevette one)
Chevy Clamette (the Corvette one)
Volvo Clamazon
Studebakedclam Avanticlam
AMC (the C stands for “clam” here) Gremclam
De Tomaso Manclamsta
Fiat Topolinoclam
Zaporozets 965-Clam
Chevy Clamvair
Cadillac Esclamade
VW ID.Clam
BMW Clamvaria
Renault Clampine
Pontiac Trans-Clam
Ford Clamstang
Buick Regalclam
Oldsmobile Clam 88
Jeep Clamrangler
Toyota Clamrolla
Nissan Versaclam
Nissan Murano CrossClam
Ford Model Clam
Acura ClamSX
Tesla Cyberclam
Hyundai Ioniclam 5
Kia Optimaclam
Cadillac Clamiq
Audi TclamT
Hudson Hornclam
Clamerham 7
Mercedes-Benz S-Clam
Citroën C4 Airclam
Morris Minorclam
This may be enough to come up with at least a tentative answer to the experiment: no.
Still, maybe I’m wrong. I just hope these are enough? Feel free to add more of your own in the comments! CERN thanks you!
Volkswagen Clam Up.
Chrysler Pacificlam
and who can forget the Clamari LaClamari?
Let‘s not forget about the Clam Crusader:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clan_(car)
Ford Clam-Max Scampi (buttery-smooth plug-in hybrid with a garlicky bite)?
Porsche Panclamera
I wish I knew what was happening
It’s better if you don’t, if you value your sanity /s
Mercedes C-Clam please. It stands for Clam Clam.
I knew this was going to be good when I saw the title, but it still smashed my expectations. Much like an otter trying to open a clam.
CLAMC CLAMX
-Jeep Clam Cherokee
-Plymouth Aclam
-Lotus Eclam
-Clamborghini Vongola Bivalvole
-BMW xClam M222i Individual Excellence Z-Future
-Daihatsu Every CLAM Youth Intense
-Dodge Clam Charger (with specials such as Manhattan (only available in red)… Cup spec for the V6 or upgrade to Bowl to get the Hemi)
Apologies to those who might have already posted any of these.
Clam 1500
Toyota bZclam4X
Porsche Clamanera Hybrid
BMX M440i xDrive Clam
Suzuki Clamny
I’m not sure if any of these would look good in Shell livery though.
The whole Maclamen model range. And if you’ll take motorcycles, count Clamaha in.
Toyota Taclama
Toyota Clamoma
if it’s a “Fireclam”, Why A Scallop shell on the hood?
chrisjen avasarala is my favorite on-screen character of any real-ish sci-fi series ever
I submit
MINI Clammer S
Mazda Clamata- it’s always the answer.
My browser crashed as I was reading this.
Coincidence? I think NOT!
It’s a clamspiracy!
If somebody says they have fireclam… well, I dont need to continue.
Whatever it is, it’s gotta have two bivalves per cylinder, double overhead clams, and a Turbo.
…wait, I didn’t just describe the Lincoln Nautilus did I
I think the VW ID.Clam is actually an improvement.
That said I can’t believe no one’s made a joke about investigating the Fireclam or Thunderclam with their Clamprobe.
I had a buddy in college with a 1996ish Pontiac Grand Am that we called the Pontiac Grand Clam, because it was gray and smelled like the ocean inside. So yeah, that fits this exercise.
That’s the best so far
BRING BACK PONTIAC!
I’ve always had a secret love for the El Clamino
The Ford Clamchero was nice, too.
Ferrari Clamdial Clamtrovalvole Clambriolet, of course!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Parents: DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN CUT UP LEAD ACID BATTERIES.
Let them be doctors and lawyers and such.
Car batteries are to be thrown into the ocean fully intact as God intended.
It’s safe and perfectly legal!