Good morning! I felt like we were drifting too far afield of our typical price range, so I’ve dialed it back a bit for today. Don’t worry; I’ve still found some bizarrely-modified vehicles to fit with our theme for the week. We’ve got a luxury sedan that is soaring to new heights, and a small truck that is trying to win a limbo contest.
It seems like yesterday’s Baja bugs kind of landed with a thud. I can always tell when you all aren’t terribly excited about a Showdown by the low comment vote totals. Ah well, can’t win ’em all. Thanks for being good sports about it anyway.
I wouldn’t touch these either, for what it’s worth. I love Baja bugs, but I prefer the traditional VW-based kind. And I do plan to build one soon, actually – but it will be 1/10 scale.
Altering the ride height of a car is a pretty common modification. Lots of people will raise a truck a couple of inches to fit bigger off-road tires, or lower a car just a little to make it look a little meaner. But that’s not enough for some folks; they need to take it to the extremes, setting a car body atop a truck chassis to lift it sky-high, or lowering a car to the point that it scrapes its oil pan on every pebble. Today, we’re going to look at one of each.
1991 Buick Park Avenue – $2,000
Engine/drivetrain: 350 cubic inch OHV V8, three-speed automatic, 4WD
Location: Tecumseh, MI
Odometer reading: unknown
Operational status: “Was running and driving when parked a few years ago”
I would imagine that all projects like this start in about the same way: On one side of the yard is a 4×4 truck with a rusted-out body, and on the other side of the yard is a derelict car. Nearby in a lawn chair sits an above-average shadetree mechanic, a couple of beers deep into a Saturday afternoon. He casts his eye from one vehicle to the other, and suddenly springs up from his chair and runs to the garage to find a tape measure.
What we have here is a Buick Park Avenue sedan body atop a Chevy truck chassis. It’s powered by a 350 V8 and a TH400 automatic transmission, driving “a Dodge and a Ford axle, don’t remember what they are,” according to the seller. It all seems to work together, or did at one point – it hasn’t run in a few years. The seller says it was a lot of fun, but they don’t have time for it anymore.
The inside, as you might expect, is trashed: there’s mud everywhere, and wires dangle from the dash. I mean, we’ve seen a worse Park Avenue interior, but this one is pretty bad. How much of the old Buick stuff is still functional after this transformation is anyone’s guess, but I have a feeling not much of it.
Apparently it’s called the “Beast,” which seems like a fitting name. It’s surprisingly rust-free, and apart from some clearcoat damage, the body isn’t in bad shape. I’m not sure about the legality of the cop light bar on the roof, but I have a feeling that’s the least of offenses that might get you pulled over in this thing.
1993 Ford Ranger – $2,500
Engine/drivetrain: Probably a 2.3 liter OHC inline 4, five-speed manual, RWD
Location: Middleville, MI
Odometer reading: 43,000 miles
Operational status: Your guess is as good as mine
I confess I’ve never really understood the appeal of slammed vehicles like this, especially trucks. It takes too much utility out of it, and I don’t really like the look all that much. But like anything, I can appreciate the commitment and the hard work that went into it. I just wish I could tell you more about this truck; there is literally no description whatsoever in the ad. Not one word.
If I had to guess, I’d say this was a pretty basic Ranger, with the 2.3 liter “Lima” four-cylinder engine. It has a five-speed manual transmission, though it’s listed as an automatic. I get the feeling it runs and drives, based on the fact that the photos in the ad show it in various locations. But I could be wrong.
The seller claims it has 43,000 miles on it; I’d believe 143,000. The interior isn’t bad, but it isn’t great either. That stack of pine tree air fresheners hanging off the headlight switch are a bad sign – at best it smells like crappy pine tree air fresheners, but they could be covering up something much worse. I don’t think the bucket seats are original; they’re from a Mustang, maybe?
The lowering is serious; the bed floor has been raised for clearance, essentially ruining any truck usefulness it once had. I believe those things in the bed are hydraulic cylinders, which would mean it can be raised up for driving. In the front, it has massive negative camber, which is to be expected from Ford’s Twin I-Beam suspension operating at that severe of an angle. The body has had some other customization done, but it’s banged up. I imagine this was a much nicer truck at some point, but its best days are behind it.
I know, I know: They’re both awful, and you don’t want either one of them. Well, tough. That’s not how this game is played. You must choose. Will it be the backyard 4×4, or the slammed minitruck?
Neither. Both are half-assed, misguided attempts at ruining a halfway decent vehicle.
The truck would take less expense and work to return to usable, but why go to all that trouble? The Buick is a basket case of outright stupidity.
This is a false choice – the third option would be to buy something else – 99.9% of what is available would be better than both of these. Neither one is worth the asking price.
Buick all day. Pure Michigan right there. I see stuff like this a lot. There’s a 60s or 70s Cadillac on a 4×4 frame a couple miles down the road, been used for a lot of years. The Buick looks to be stripped or disabled of anything but the simplest means to make it run. Perfect winter beater with nice comfy seats, with ground clearance for these roads that aren’t plowed for the drive to work. Take it on the abandoned seasonal roads thru the woods, take it to the mud bog or ski hill climb.
I don’t know where I could drive that Ranger without bottoming out regularly. That and lack of access or even to look under it. I will never own a lowered vehicle. And not gonna rework the suspension and buy proper tires and wheels. Not gonna lift a vehicle either, but in the case of the Buick all the dirty work is already done.
God bless Michigan, man.
Also, I SWEAR I saw that Park Ave at DT’s going-away party.
I was going to vote for the Buick just because of how deeply bonkers it is, but I think the Ranger can be more easily un-f*cked. So we’ll take the Ferd.
Usually I’m down to play along even with some really awful choices, but this? I just can’t.
At least the Ranger has $1,000 of wheels and tires on it. The Buick can just four-wheel its ass into a crusher.
I picked the Bu-ICK because all the black ice little trees scare me.
Neither. Just hard no.
That POS Buick brought a knife to a laser fight. Ranger danger all day everyday
Someone did a terrible thing to that poor little ranger crimes against humanity. Might be worth fixing but probably a lot of work. The Buick thing is funny. I think I would rather the Buick on a truck frame.
This column’s gone absolutely Andy Kaufmanesque this week.
The Ford has less likelihood of being found on road dead today. Plus it’s still a truck. We’ve all complained about modern pickups having beds way too high. Someone did something about it but turned to to 11.
More like turned it down to -11.
Eh, I guess I could find cheap suspension parts in a junkyard to make the Ranger semi-useful for not a lot of money.
But both deserve to be dismantled to the last bolt and given away to different schools around the galaxy.
Oof. I gotta go Ranger. The wiring on the ‘Buick’ looks like a nightmare/fire hazard.
I vote for the Buick/Chevy mash-up. The Ford has been ruined as a truck,but you could probably put a less shittier body on that truck thing. It would be awesome as a Roadmaster or something.
Ranger. It’s a broken puppy that needs to be rescued. The Buick is a wild boar with rabies.
I find the Ranger to be less awful… so it gets my vote.
Ahh, Felony forest in the Ranger!
The seller claims it has 43,000 miles on it; I’d believe 143,000.
How long did it take for Detroit to add the 6th digit?!? Crazy in 1993 they still rolled over.
The Ranger would honestly be a pretty cool ride with a slightly higher ride height, and the price is reasonable, so I don’t hate it! While I respect that someone had fun doing that to the Buick, I have no use cases for it
If scrapping them isn’t an option, the Ranger. I don’t want to wear a hazmat suit to drive the Buick, it just looks too gross for me.
I see 8 lug axles on the Buick, if that’s 1-ton running gear that alone could be worth the asking price.
I actually kind of dig the look of the Ranger, blue is my favorite color, and I’ve always liked those “bullit” style wheels.
Both look terrible to drive, but I could get into more fun shenanigans with the big Buford.
Ew.
No.
Buy both. Then setup and charge for a show.
Round One: drag race
Round Two: slalom
Round Three: Braking test from 40 mph
Round Four: Tie them together and have a pull-off contest
Grand Finale: Drive over the Ranger with the Buick
Fireworks optional
This sounds like an excellent RoadKill episode.
I don’t mind a slammed mini-truck, and I think the Ford is barely better done than the Buick. The lesser of two evils today.
It’s not just Flint. The whole state must have lead in the water.