Home » Automotive Would You Rather: Block Of Kraft Singles Or Confessing Sexual Attraction Edition

Automotive Would You Rather: Block Of Kraft Singles Or Confessing Sexual Attraction Edition

Wyr Cheese Top
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Somehow, and I apologize for this, it has been maybe almost a year since I did an Automotive Would You Rather?! How is this possible? It feels wrong, possibly illegal, and I’m here to take care of this problem. Besides, tomorrow is Our Nation’s Birthday, and that means you’ll have plenty of time to really mull this over and use it as a sure-fire make-you-seem-smart-and-charming conversation starter at whatever July 4 cookout or BBQ or swing party you end up at. So with that in mind, let’s spend a few moments in the inane fantasy world that is Would You Rather!

I suppose I should refresh everyone with just how this all works: I’m going to give you two scenarios, each sort of monkey’s paw-esque in the sense of having great benefits and yet also some manner of an awful consequence, too, because that’s what makes this fun. You’ll pick, via a poll, which one of these two scenarios you would rather engage in! It’s fun! Kinda!

Vidframe Min Top
Vidframe Min Bottom

Since it’s America’s Birthday, let’s use something wildly American as the basis for this first scenario, something that is American and, I believe, globally adored: American cheese. Yes, vivid orange sliced American cheese, of, say, the Kraft Singles variety. Let’s get to it!

Scenario One: The Kraft Singles Signal Significance Situation

Wyr 2cv Cheese
Image: Kraft, The Blueprints

You’re loading up your car after a visit to the grocery store, where you have purchased a bunch of food for your upcoming July 4 cookout. Among all of the ground beef and hot dogs and other traditional July 4 foods like lutefisk and clamdingers (a family favorite made from seared clams, mangoes, and spider cheese, served on the traditional stick) you also have at least a dozen packs of Kraft Singles for cheeseburger use, because, as a famous chef once noted, American cheese is the best cheese for a cheeseburger:

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As your arms are laden with all those packs of sliced cheese food while you attempt to maneuver it all into the small trunk of your, let’s say, Triumph Spitfire, a sudden lightning storm launches onto the scene, and a crack of lightning bursts out of the sky, the jagged bolt of raw electricity entering right at the crown of your head and traveling down your body to seek ground under your feet.

You’re dazed for a moment, but shockingly unharmed; all of the cheese is gone save for a swirling eddy of plastic wrappers in the wind; you feel strangely oily and – how would you describe it – infused with a certain cheeseful energy.

Later, viewing the security footage from the supermarket reveals what happened: the lightning seems to have fused the dozen packs of sliced cheese with your body. Doctors are baffled, but you seem to check out okay, except for your blood pressure, which was an issue before, anyway.

When you go to sleep that night, you have a vivid dream; a voice: dulcet tones of James Lewis Kraft, issued to you via his ghost are informing you that you are now One With the Cheese.

As such, you have been granted a wonderful power: you can manifest any car you want, into actual reality, in perfect condition, provided you eat an entire large pack of Kraft Singles in one massive wad. You know, eating it like you’d eat a sandwich, or a slice of cake.

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Eating the pack of cheese gives you the power to do this amazing thing, and the car – which will always be Kraft Singles Yellow/Orange – will exist for as long as the cheese remains in your system, which should be about 24 to 48 hours, depending on your digestion.

Once the last molecule of kraft cheesium leaves your system or is converted to energy, the car will disappear, immediately and without warning. So if you’re on the highway going like 70 mph, maybe hold in that poop until you’re safely stopped.

I mean, I guess you would anyway? We’re not animals! But still, you get what I mean. Also, probably a good idea to keep a pack of Kraft Singles on you at all times, right? Just in case.

 

Scenario Two: Tell Them You Think They’re Hot

Wyr Valentine Smash
Image: https://rarehistoricalphotos.com/ (modified)

For the past year or so, you’ve been feeling sort of spiritually unmoored. You’ve been exploring a lot of options, when you happen to find a flyer for a group called the Motorlusticrucians on the floor of your local Fight Club, the less said about which, the better.

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Intrigued, you go to a meeting, and find yourself among a small group of acolytes to a guru of sorts, a person who claims to have powerful mystical powers. She notices you immediately, and tells you that you have an aura that is both powerful and surprisingly compatible with one of the order’s most potent mystical relics.

The relic takes the form of an enchanted tongue-ring, which she slips effortlessly over your tongue. It feels strange, but not uncomfortable, and you soon find yourself used to it. The guru then explains that this tongue ring, when combined with a person of your particular frequency and amplitude of aura, will grant you an incredible power.

The relic will give you the power to make anyone give you, willingly and without regrets, their car, and all you have to do to make it happen is to tell them you find them sexually attractive. [Ed Note: I cannot believe I’m publishing this. -DT]. 

Now, you don’t actually have to find them sexually attractive, but it can’t hurt; all you need to do is look them in the eye, confess that you find them erotically appealing in an earnest and clear tone, and they will immediately and enthusiastically give you their car in whatever condition it is in, and that includes signing over all paperwork and all that boring associated administrative crap. You own that car now.

If you see someone at a car show getting out of, say, a Nissan Skyline GT-R that you’ve always wanted, all you need to do is make sure your tongue ring is on, sidle up to them, and confess your lust, and boom, the keys will drop into your hands.

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This is not to say they will reciprocate this expressed desire or even react well to being told it; they may freak out or call security on you, but you will be given their car. This could complicate any potential repercussions, because it does look sort of weird to outsiders if you’re complaining about the unwanted sexual interest admissions from a person you just gave away your car to.

Sometimes the awkwardness and repercussions of the admission may be more than it seems worth, but then again, there are some incredible cars out there. In the case of confessing your sexual attraction to someone with a large car collection, it appears that you will be able to state which car you’d like to have, which is nice.

Rednsudivider

So, what’s it going to be? Eat whole pack of cheese for a yellow car of your choice for 24 to 48 hours, or be able to have anyone give you a car just because you say you think they’re hot? Choose wisely!

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Dodsworth
Dodsworth
2 days ago

I’ll take the cheese, assuming it’s real cheese and not that cheese food product stuff.

Tbird
Tbird
2 days ago

Cheese!

No maintenance or storage or insurance. Most exotica looks good in orange yellow (think Miura or 930). And you can drive the original “Eleanor” whenever you want!.

Last edited 2 days ago by Tbird
Manwich Sandwich
Manwich Sandwich
2 days ago

In the Amercian cheese situation, I can get a new or used car. While with the tongue ring, I’m always stuck with a used car.

So for me, the American cheese option is what I’ll go with.

TheDrunkenWrench
TheDrunkenWrench
2 days ago

I cannot imagine a scenario where I’d willingly ingest that much American cheese. This one included.

Option 2.

Dogisbadob
Dogisbadob
2 days ago

How about a Burger King sandwich from Thailand? 😛

https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/11/business/thailand-burger-king-cheeseburger-intl-hnk

Urban Runabout
Urban Runabout
1 day ago
Reply to  Dogisbadob

Unlike most things in Thailand – That’s vile.

Mr E
Mr E
2 days ago

American cheese, in my opinion, is neither.

That Torch guy, he’s hot, and I heard he just got a 2CV…

Abdominal Snoman
Abdominal Snoman
2 days ago

Oh, I never even considered the “ride share” opportunity of option number 2. Let’s say you land at an airport, tell your uber driver you love them and now it’s your car, do you now receive the fare for driving where you need to go as opposed to paying it? If you don’t like the car I assume you’d give it back at the end of the trip, however if it’s something nice can you also collect the fare for driving them back home?

Jetta
Jetta
2 days ago

my boyfriend has a question. what if i summon the car by consuming the cheese, and then he says he’s sexually attracted to me, thus freeing the kraft-orange vehicle from its cheesy curse?

Last edited 2 days ago by Jetta
Christopher Glowacki
Christopher Glowacki
18 hours ago
Reply to  Jetta

Wow, now that’s an awesome question for Torch. As 2 individuals it’s definitely you can choose the Kraft singles thing and he can choose the confess sexual attraction thing. The big important question of would confessing the desire to permanently get the car from you lock stock and smoking barrel, actually override the until you’ve digested the cheese nature of the cheese yellow any car you want? A potentially interesting loophole for a loving couple. After all there was nothing in the confess attraction thing that said it couldn’t be genuine, only that it had to sound genuine if it wasn’t

Raymond
Raymond
2 days ago
Comet_65cali
Comet_65cali
2 days ago
Reply to  Raymond

I think I’m blind

Abdominal Snoman
Abdominal Snoman
2 days ago

Around when I was 20 in SC I worked a construction type job and what I was supposed to do next wasn’t going to be possible due to a big storm coming. I parked the work truck at a corner of a gas station lot right near when there was a big transformer and it transitioned to going underground. Lightning hit that pole that was about 20′ away from me and weirdly it wasn’t that loud but sort of a weird throbbing pulsating EDM music kind of thing for about 1.5 seconds, but I’ve seen burning magnesium, have had welding glasses fail on me, and none of those, not even staring directly at the sun compare to just how bright that was. When it was over the 2 white transformers on the pole above me simply did not exist anymore, and the big green one on the ground just in front of the truck wasn’t green anymore but still looked like it had all of its pieces. Only thing that really happened was my call got disconnected, the gas station lost power, and the truck seemed to be coated with something similar to fire extinguisher dust that washed off right away in the rain.

No superpowers though 🙁

Last edited 2 days ago by Abdominal Snoman
Hugh Crawford
Hugh Crawford
2 days ago

“and a crack of lightning bursts out of the sky, the jagged bolt of raw electricity entering right at the crown of your head and traveling down your body to seek ground under your feet.”

It’s a good thing that Levi’s got rid of the copper rivet in the crotch of 501 jeans. That seemed dangerous in case of a lightning strike.

Hugh Crawford
Hugh Crawford
2 days ago

I voted the second option, I mean it’s totally normal and happens all the time, but I think it takes American cheese at least seven years to completely leave your body.

Hey, is that an Apollo GT ?

Toecutter
Toecutter
2 days ago
Reply to  Hugh Crawford

I know the owner of the first Apollo GT ever produced. When I last saw it, its front end was twisted, but he was intent on fully restoring it.

Scott Ross
Scott Ross
2 days ago

I’ll do the Homer Simpson and eat the cheese…and maybe go blind

Space
Space
2 days ago

I always enjoy these, thank you for this Torch. If you ever need ideas for “would you rather” just let us Commenters know and we will give you hundreds of them.

Saul Goodman
Saul Goodman
2 days ago

What kind of parasite did you get from the taxi that compelled you to write this masterpiece?

Last edited 2 days ago by Saul Goodman
Andrea Petersen
Andrea Petersen
2 days ago
Reply to  Saul Goodman

I mean, did you see that cabin filter? There was stuff unknown to science growing on that

Collegiate Autodidact
Collegiate Autodidact
2 days ago

Hmm. The first choice’s out since I’m vegan, so an easy choice, lol.
Would it work to just write “I think you’re hot” on a piece of paper or a sign and flash it at someone across the lawn at Pebble Beach? (The trick would be making eye contact, however momentary, which could be a challenge.) That way, if interrogated afterward, once security has wrestled me to the ground, let me go, and given me the keys, the titles, and other paperwork, I can always say that I was worried about people getting hot in the August sun.
Heck, I could just stand up in the middle of the Monterey auction audience at the end of the auctions and hold up the aforementioned sign, à la Sally Field as Norma Rae with her UNION sign https://cdn.kpbs.org/dims4/default/61e3750/2147483647/strip/true/crop/3250×1834+0+140/resize/670×378!/format/webp/quality/90/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.npr.org%2Fassets%2Fimg%2F2023%2F09%2F19%2Fbkgrnf_custom-8e285476fed15141cf669b90eb52513ea5d1bf29.jpg and just rake in all the titles and become a multi-millionaire by turning around and selling those cars:
https://www.hagerty.com/media/market-trends/hagerty-insider/the-10-most-expensive-cars-at-the-2024-monterey-auctions/
And then I can use whatever’s left over after I’ve made donations to worthy causes to buy the actual cars of my dreams 🙂

Abdominal Snoman
Abdominal Snoman
2 days ago

I vote cheese but please can I have both?

You don’t understand the power of the cheese if you live in an urban environment. Around me a shared garage spot is 200-300/mo, street parking can be half a mile, the city sticker to let you park on the street is well over 100, and then you have insurance, needing to move it for street sweepers, pay tolls, etc. If I could just leave a car at a bar I drove to, take an uber home, and never have to worry about it ever again, and it could be anything I wanted? Awesome! Even more entertaining when you get to see your car on the nightly news involved in a high speed chase because you just happened to leave it with the doors open and the keys in the ignition and then all of a sudden it goes poof as you’re taking a dump while live streaming it on youtube.

2nd option though would be used strategically but can be beneficial in other ways too… Lets just say you have an accomplice whose job is to deliver cars for other people, and the moment they hand the keys over you profess your love to your accomplice, as she now has the keys I assume all the paperwork must now be transferred over? 🙂

StillNotATony
StillNotATony
2 days ago

I hate American cheese, and with option 2, I would soon amass the world’s weirdest and probably least valuable car collection, which has been my life’s ambition.

Argentine Utop
Argentine Utop
1 day ago
Reply to  StillNotATony

Are you me?

StillNotATony
StillNotATony
1 day ago
Reply to  Argentine Utop

We are Autopian.

Geo Metro Mike
Geo Metro Mike
2 days ago

The movie short helped my decision. I’ll take the cheese, as hanging out with the affluent and their fancy cars while proclaiming I’m into them will inevitably lead to accompanying a date to an island where the evening is orchestrated by a lunatic chef.

Fineheresyourdamn70dollars
Fineheresyourdamn70dollars
2 days ago

On special occasions we put two kinds of cheese on the cheeseburger.

https://youtu.be/vUars-w1nDk?si=DObUrwYqoyCXwyo1

Nic Periton
Nic Periton
2 days ago

This is deeply unfair,because after a home made Stilton Caerphilly fondue with gin and raspberries ( probably do not try this at home), I have many cars, and a slightly odd following. The sexual attraction bit was mildly annoying but when Stevie and Chris met Kasey and Dave (funny, Dave has delightful bosoms) Mostly they and their friends do the sex bit, of course I am a sex god, but well, I get to drive fun cars, and get nice postcards from well fucked folk.

I am daftly posh and English, WTF is a Kraft single?

There is food beginning with K and cheese, Kugelkase and Kapiti Kikorangi but Kraft singles? Mind draws a blank.

Hautewheels
Hautewheels
2 days ago
Reply to  Nic Periton

I’m in the US and according to my German wife, Kraft Singles American “Cheese” is probably not even legally salable as food in Europe or Great Britain. It’s technically a “prepared cheese product” that looks and tastes like orange plastic. Here’s the ingredient list:

CHEDDAR CHEESE (CULTURED MILK, SALT, ENZYMES), SKIM MILK, MILKFAT, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, WHEY, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, SODIUM PHOSPHATE, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF MODIFIED FOOD STARCH, SALT, LACTIC ACID, MILK, SORBIC ACID AS A PRESERVATIVE, OLEORESIN PAPRIKA (COLOR), ENZYMES, CHEESE CULTURE, ANNATTO (COLOR).

(source: https://www.kraftheinz.com/kraft-singles/products/00021000604647-american-cheese-slices)

Last edited 2 days ago by Hautewheels
Nic Periton
Nic Periton
2 days ago
Reply to  Hautewheels

WHAT?????????????????????????????

It is silly o’clock here but really? 2% modified food?

You are correct, yes I checked it is not food, but it fails as tile grout too. Hence my complex answer,

Nick B.
Nick B.
2 days ago
Reply to  Nic Periton

Real American cheese singles can be had, ones that aren’t edible plastic. HEB (a Texas-only grocery store chain) has blocks of the stuff that can be sliced at the deli. Or the singles packages next to the Krap stuff.

It tastes far better than the Krap and actually melts better too.

Nic Periton
Nic Periton
2 days ago
Reply to  Nick B.

I know, there is good cheese in America but Kraft ? I choose the exhausting sexual option.

Venison mince80%, Aged muttom20%, very finely chopped rosemary and thyme and a small smushed clove of garlic, some freshly ground black pepper, for two pounds of meat, a thickish slice of two day old sourdough bread, as crumbs and a big egg (duck eggs are good) . Hands in, knead the stuff like bread. Eight patties, or six, the good bit is coming, like a doughnut, these are going to filled, no, not jam,Stilton. Big chunk in the middle of each, Reshape and chill for two hours Yes both the burgers and the cook.
Very very hot griddle! and a mildly hot one, two minutes a side on the hot hot hot one, only flip once, then the cooler plate, four minutes max. Leave aside under foil while slicing the buns (What, you forgot to make the buns?, never mind, someone always has buns) and slice some tomatoes,
Ignore the tomatoes, butter the buns after slicing them in half with 50/50 Colemans mustard and raw butter. put the Stilton oozing bambi / old sheep thing in the bun.

Oh and then eat the thing

Nick B.
Nick B.
2 days ago
Reply to  Nic Periton

Oh I absolutely chose the sexual option too. As did my fiancée after a “wtf did I just read!?”

Also, that recipe sounds fantastic. Wrote it down and gonna have to give that a try.

Nic Periton
Nic Periton
2 days ago
Reply to  Nick B.

Thanks, I have been making burgers like that from what
seems like yesterday which turns out to be a long time away, I am finding being old quite peculiar, most of me is about !8, except for the bits that are knackered,which turn out to be most bits , brain and memory still work though, ( I thunk) I have a recipe for the buns too,
I am pleased that both you and your fiancée chose the sexual option,cuddles become allowed which is good cuddles(i still wonder about great aunt Mary though, .

Argentine Utop
Argentine Utop
1 day ago
Reply to  Nic Periton

A Briton that can cook? Life is getting interesting, tho.

Harvey "Shift To" Park
Harvey "Shift To" Park
11 hours ago
Reply to  Nick B.

You’re supposed to take the plastic wrapper off.

AlterId, redux
AlterId, redux
2 days ago
Reply to  Nic Periton

I am daftly posh and English…

Perhaps I’m a traitor to my class and my country, but I’m starting to feel eligible for a prewar Bentley right about now.

Nic Periton
Nic Periton
2 days ago
Reply to  AlterId, redux

It is really quite simple, just ensure one has the right ancestors, the other bits just annoyingly happen! Of course you are eligible for a prewar Bentley apart from being foreign and common. Silliness is a non-negotiable requirement.

Nlpnt
Nlpnt
1 day ago
Reply to  Nic Periton

Are you trying to do your best impression of Adrian?

Staffma
Staffma
2 days ago

I’m here for the random Spitfire reference. Also, the trunk is surprisingly large and useable for the vehicles overall size.

Bob
Bob
2 days ago

Thanks for tagging the article so thoroughly, it’s definitely helpful to be able to sort all of the Kraft Singles articles on TheAutopian when I’m looking for one in particular.

Nlpnt
Nlpnt
2 days ago

I’ll have to go with the second one because I’m still laughing out loud at David’s editor’s note almost 5 minutes after reading it!

Edit: I suppose David knows the risks of confessing your attraction without the magic tongue ring. You just wind up with a used Lexus that’s too smooth to soothe the baby.

Last edited 2 days ago by Nlpnt
Squirrelmaster
Squirrelmaster
2 days ago

Even if I wasn’t lactose intolerant, I’d take the second option simply because I already enjoy saying this to people that they find uncomfortable. Getting a free car instead of awkward silence is definitely an upgrade, though I’m sure there will be plenty of times I wish I could have both the car and the silence.

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