I’m apalled, but it appears I haven’t done an Automotive Would You Rather since June! June! How have you people been going on? I have no idea how you’ve managed so well, all AWYR-less. It’s miserable. Well, I’m here to turn on your headlights rather than curse your darkness, so let’s just get into it, shall we? These are likely the most important ethical, philosophical, eschatological and, um, scatalogical questions you’ll encounter all week, so we’re not in a position to waste time. Off we go!
You know how this works: I give you two automotive-related, highly plausible scenarios, and you have to pick which one You’d Rather go with. You get it.
SCENARIO ONE: The Gargoyle’s Teleporter
So you’re out one weekend doing some maintenance on your house, which, for the sake of this discussion, is an extremely old building with a number of gargoyles carved into it. Maybe onto it? That sounds better. There’s a bunch of gargoyles. Of all kinds. And you need to clean them and make them presentable, because the neighbors are complaining. So, your climbing all over the building, scrubbing down gargoyles, and ending up straddling the lap of the largest one, a hideous brute of a gargoyle that looks like what would happen if Gérard Depardieu mated with a goblin. You’re finishing up brushing the gargoyle’s teeth when you start to feel the stone beast stir.
The gargoyle’s eyes begin to swivel, noisily, and the stone of his body somehow becomes pliant, cold but skin-like, as the gargoyle moves around. You’re shocked, and yank the toothbrush out of his mouth, almost falling from the action until the gargoyle’s strong hands grab you, and hold you tight. His face turns to face you, and he locks eyes with you.
“I am the Gargoyle Head Alderman!” he bellows at you. “You have performed a great service for me, wiping away the grime of over a century and getting my molars nice and clean! Plus, that rubdown felt great, and I won’t lie, I’ve been a little affection-starved, so this was just what I needed.”
He then pulls you into a slightly painful, cold embrace, one that lasts a bit too long.
“I am in your debt! And, as you know, a gargoyle always pays their debts! Now, let me see how best to repay you!” And with that he jammed a hard pinky finger deep into your ear. Your vision blurred, you felt a bit nauseous, and then, as shockingly as it started, the pinky was pulled out, with an audible pop.
“Ah ha!” The Gargoyle Head Alderman yelled. “You like cars! A lot. A weird amount, really. Okay. I have one power up my sleeve that should work well here: when I touch you, the first type of car that you think of will become your own personal teleportation chamber. You can get into that make and model of car anywhere on Earth, and be instantly transported to that same make and model, wherever else it exists on Earth! Just think of the location you want, and you’ll be teleported into the driver’s seat of the closest matching car to that location!”
And then he touched your forehead with his big stony finger, and you felt a surge of energy through your body.
“Oh, I should have mentioned one side effect of this: you can no longer drive a car anymore. If you try, your junk will explode. I guess I should have mentioned that before? Oh well.”
I sure hope you picked a car that’s well-distributed around the world! And something not too rare! The gargoyle then flung you back through a window into the building, leaving you laying on the floor hoping like hell the car that you were thinking of was a good choice. Also, what if the car you picked that’s closest to the destination you want is like hundreds of miles away?
I guess you better test this out?
SCENARIO TWO: Over-The-Brain-Updates
You ordered a new pair of wireless airbuds from one of those sites like Temu or Wish or one of those places that has vast electronics factories in countries like Upper Melurinia or the Republic of Ankothimarizicratia, and they just arrived. The airbuds look impressive, and are a bit smaller than the sort you’re used to. You pair them with your phone, and place them into your ears, but they’re a bit uncomfortable, and feel like they may fall out.
When you play some music to test them out, they activate more than you expected, burrowing into your ears deeper, corkscrew-style. You begin to panic, because everything about this feels wrong wrong wrong until, all of a sudden, it doesn’t. You feel more aware and connected, somehow than you have ever before, but you’re not sure how, or to what. At some point, your wondering about this must have sent some signal to your phone which displays this message:
INSTALLATION SUCCESSFUL
Congratulations on your purchase of the Nostriltech OTA2100 Earbud Data Transmission System. While these earbuds are not suitable for streaming audio from any of your devices, and will cause severe inner ear pain if attempted, the OTA2100 is the premier system for sending over-the-air software updates to any car capable of receiving such software.
To use, simply think of the make and models of cars you’d like to update, then think of the parameters of the new software. Our cloud-based AI will transform your requests into executable code which will then be broadcast to every vehicle in question. The functions performed by the code must be only what the car is actually capable of doing with their existing hardware.
This product is not removable. Enjoy!
Oh boy. So, if you decide that you want all Tesla Model 3s to have a top speed of 22 mph and honk their horns every six minutes for a 30 second burst, you can do that! You can make all modern Volvos set their radios to XM’s First Wave station and play that full volume, always, forever. You can make every Ford Mach-e lock its right rear wheel whenever the glove box is opened. Want to make Tesla Model X open their falcon doors whenever their cameras see a cyclist? Sure! The possibilities are limitless, and nearly all terrible!
Would you want this kind of power? It’s possible these companies could find out its you doing it, at some point, but you’re not sure. Is it too much power?
Sounds kinda fun, though.
Okay! Two miserable-wonderful scenarios! Which of these more-terrible-the-more-you-think-about-them abilities will you choose?
OTB updates would be the go… fix all my own cars and mess with some poor people’s… you know like the old trick of wiring the horn of a friend’s car into the ignition or high beams or indicators… whatever you wish really
I would take the Over-The-Brain-Updates only to add the best features from other cars onto my cars.
Ignoring the “don’t drive” stipulation for a minute, what would be the ideal car for this scenario? And would you be limited to just one variation or would it be anything bearing the name?
Because if it’s the latter, the superior option would be the Toyota Corolla. Every market has had a Toyota Corolla at some point, and they’re kind of one of those “classless” cars – they’re so well known as being reliable that people just all over the place buy them.
But there are a lot of different Toyota Corollas. Different markets get different sizes, different styling, different other stuff. So if it’s just one variation it would have to be something else. A Tesla Model Y seems like a good option but I don’t think they’re big in Japan and I’d like to teleport to Japan.
Prius Prime? They’re sold everywhere I think, but more importantly, Uber drivers love them so it’ll be really easy to get a ride to your destination if you’re not close by. Though that said I don’t really fit in them.
I enjoy driving too much to ever give it up, so let’s consider the other option.
One very nasty idea I had was to short an automaker’s stock and cause enough pain to make their stock price plunge. Rinse, repeat and then I could afford any car I wanted (or other things for that matter). However, that’s just an evil fantasy. The thought of being so cruel and avaricious in real life is not something I think I could bear.
Jason, I desperately want to choose between the two options, but alas my brain is in meltdown. I am overwhelmed (one might even say appalled) by the spelling and grammar errors – what is this, FOX News?
“I’m apalled, but it appears…”
“So, your climbing all over the building”
David is going to have to knock some sense into you with his copy of the AP Style Guide if you’re not (or should that be “your not”) careful.
Petty grammar issues aside, I think OTB update powers would be fantastic.
I think this is the first time I would want both.
Pick Tesla 3s or Ys as the teleporter and then program them to
driveautopilot me wherever I want. Technically the car is driving, right? Also, Teslas are in just about any part of the world I want to go.With the OTA power, program an army of cars to bust into a German/Swiss bank with Nazi ties, rob it blind and tele-escape in the Model 3 I’d have waiting outside.
Torch, you better not be dissing First Wave.
Any time teleportation comes up, I am legally obligated to quote the following:
“I teleported home one night
With Ron and Sid and Meg.
Ron stole Meggy’s heart away.
And I got Sidney’s leg.”
“You’re shocked, and yank the toothbrush out of his mouth, almost falling from the action until the gargoyle’s strong hands grab you, and hold you tight. His face turns to face you, and he locks eyes with you.”
we kiss?
anyways I picked the second because while teleporting is always fun, I enjoy driving, and while not particularly fond of my junk, that could injure the rest of me too.
Do people actually use Temu? I tend to be skeptical of things my phone games try to sell me while awaiting extra moves or whatever.
I read that Temu is like getting Wish.com from Wish.com.
I wouldn’t
to clarify, does Option 1 mean you can never travel by car/bus any more? What about those weird Airport ones?
I pick SCENARIO TWO: Over-The-Brain-Updates and promise to use my powers for evil.
With the Gargoyle Teleporter just choose something like a Toyota Land cruiser, theyre everywhere on the planet and completely boring to drive, no harm done.
Yes! I chose the same vehicle. Why drive when you can teleport almost anywhere?
I was thinking a Mercedes E-Class, but the LC has much more capability.
I’ll take the over-the-air updates. I like driving, so the Gargoyles are out.
Then with an ATO update, I would make every BMW that doesn’t use it’s turn indicators die on the side of the road.
*every BMW instantly stalls*
> Lane change detected without indicating
> Hazards on, limp mode activated immediately
ATTENTION ALL TESLA OWNERS!! Your cars FSD mode is under my command until you pool your cash and buy me a McLaren F1!
That is all.
For now.
I voted the gargoyle but I have questions.. I can’t drive ANY car or just the one I chose as my teleporter? Do other vehicles count as ‘cars’? Can I still drive a truck or ATV? I need to know logistics!
Am I overthinking this? No.. Torch is overthinking this, I’m just along for the ride..
Shhhh! Don’t let Torch close the loopholes because I’d be riding motorcycles, ATVs and bikes wherever I went.
While I appreciate your shared interest in exploiting the loopholes of these scenarios, if I am going to trip down this tail-light and old electronics fueled delirium I demand clarification!
Haha. Fair enough but to paraphrase a legendary quote, forget it, Cool Dave. It’s Torchtown.
Ooooh, another OTA use: all cars using built-in nav will be routed away from my planned route whenever I can plan ahead enough for that. Sure, that’ll still leave a lot of vehicles on the road, but it would help.
Never driving again? Nope, automatic win for the other one! And it could be fun to mess with people, the problem there is that I couldn’t just mess with my friends as it would mess with every owner of every one of the affected vehicle. I’d still find a way to make it fun.
Gargoyle!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygrEVnrg3Ic
https://media.tenor.com/_EFszEVjV0YAAAAC/gargoyles-i-live-again.gif
The OTA one seems to be mostly useful for trolling, which I’m not excited about, but at least I can choose not to use it. The teleporting one is basically the autonomous car use case taken to a sci-fi place and I’m not wild about never being able to drive ever again. Easy decision, give me the ear buds.
Gargoyle, schmargoyle – not gonna take a deal where I can’t drive a car anymore.
OTA-from-my-brain then, please. The first function that came to mind was bricking another car, which I suspect is technically possible for all cars and also probably too terrible for me to have.
Park like a jackass? Your car (and others like it – sorry, everyone else) won’t move again. Block the left lane on the interstate while not passing anyone? Enjoy going 0mph in your new paperweight. Close a bridge for a sideshow? Listen to the sound of silence.
I would try to limit collateral damage by being as specific as possible. Not trying to do a Thanos over here.
Can’t drive, sure, but my junk exploding if I did?! That’s the (icing?) on the cake of Nope. My impish mischievous brain wants to play with other people’s cars in a weird way. Maybe change the auto parking parameters to only park in spaces where the door opining clearance is less than 6″. The memory setting of the drivers seat always goes forward as if you are 4’3″. So many devious options.
“Block the left lane on the interstate while not passing anyone? Enjoy going 0mph in your new paperweight.”
Leave the left lane speed limit adherents alone Thanos.
The first one sounds like a net negative. Nothing says the car you teleport into has to be stationary or unoccupied. I guarantee the first time I used it, I’d end up in someone’s lap, cause a crash, and have to teleport away before some very awkward questions ensued. Plus I enjoy driving.
The second one, I wouldn’t *have* to use, but it would be nice to get settings for my cars changed just by thinking about it, rather than navigating submenus. Sorry for the collateral damage to anyone else who owns the same models though I guess. I hope you like the same radio presets and seat heater settings I do.
I pity the poor guy in the opposite place on that one day every October when it’s 20°F in Maine and 120°F in Arizona.
The mental updates don’t really have a downside, though the upsides are kind of limited, too.
Hilux teleportation it is. I could go so many places, though I’d have to move to a country with a lot more of them, since it’d be really inconvenient here. Plus side, they could try to deport me and I’d just be back in the seat of a pickup before they knew it.
On second though, I think I would really enjoy updating cars to do ridiculous things. Tesla nav software always leads to the nearest dump. Lamborghinis have a new rev limit of 500 rpm. Altimas have speed limiters at 25 mph. Hell, I’m not above bricking a make and model, buying on the cheap, then unbricking.
I change my vote.
I am sorry, I am NOT sitting in the lap of a gargoyle as he stirs to life and is strongly affectionate. NOOOOOOO.
I will however tell all Buggatis the world over to start up and bounce off the rev limiter till they explode, because fuck those rich assholes.
Clearly I want the gargoyle transport power and I would choose the big altima energy as my personal transport car. That way I could go anywhere and probably end up in the sketchiest parking lot possible.
You could instantly transport to the nearest Buy Here Pay Here lot outside a military base.