Have you been looking for a way to make your next Hinge date ghost you without having to bring up religion or politics? Does your face look a bit like a new BMW M4? Did you personally identify with any of the male cast members on Jersey Shore? Well, good news. BMW’s M division has come out with a new line of fragrances.
Yep, welcome to the world of automaker-branded tat, things that look pretty on a shelf at a dealership but ultimately make it seem like the car you drive makes up a disproportionate chunk of your personality. As a general rule, if it’s functional in an automotive context, it’s okay. Keychains, umbrellas that fit neatly into a car’s umbrella pocket, travel mugs that fit into oddly sized cup holders … all that stuff is fine. Beyond that, however, things start to get cringey.
BMW calls the three scents 1972, 1985, and 2025, commemorating the 3.0 CSL, the original M3, and grilles that scare children, respectively. What do they smell like? Well, according to the marketing mumbo-jumbo, 1972 “opens with a vibrant blend of citrus and ginger, softened with delicate, fleeting notes, and ends with a warm, woody amber trail of vetiver.” Right. As for 1985, it “has elegant fruity top notes” while “A woody amber base provides a distinctive contrast.” Jump forward to 2025, and you get a cologne with “a Fougère heart note and stands out for its fresh and aromatic accords.” Not exactly Creed Aventus, is it?
Should you want one of the scents in a 100 ml size, you’ll be spending €85, or about $100. That’s one Benjamin to smell like a bellend [Ed note: Metaphorically, I hope – Pete], far too much money when fragrances are one of the few fashion-related things where the dupes are truly excellent alternatives to the real thing. Plus, imagine the reaction when you tell someone the fragrance you’re wearing is “BMW M.” It’d be like telling them it’s “beef” or “hammer” or “manly brick.” No thanks.
What’s especially wild is that this isn’t the first time an automaker has experimented with wearable fragrances. Not even remotely. Back in the 2000s, automaker-branded fragrances ran wild with scents like Hummer aftershave and Nissan 350Z cologne. As expected, they all ended up at Marshall’s posthaste.
There are many things you can buy for $100. A cooking class, several kilograms of neon sour gummy worms to keep in your pockets for emergency use, a copy of Baudrillard’s “Simulacra and Simulation”, a couple of garden gnomes, things that will make you more interesting, more informed, more whimsical, and possibly even tell you something about yourself. But BMW M cologne? Probably not it. Besides, most people with M cars people covet could probably use $100 toward their next maintenance bill. There’s no way to successfully work rod bearings into a pickup line, yeah?
Top graphic images: BMW
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I assumed the 2025 scent was going to be “Beagle shitting into your forced hot air system”.
That sounds like the voice of experience?
Changed it from dachshund to protect the dignity of those who have passed. I also liked the sound of Beagle more for that line for some reason.
To answer your question though, yes.
Eeeew. I smell your pain from here.
Worst I have had was a cat that peed on my pillows when I pissed him off. He’s now my mother’s cat. She locks him out of the bedroom.
Cat piss is easily the worst smell I can think of. We now have two cats, one basically hunts the other one and tries to prevent her from making it to the litter box. This has resulted in some pretty unfortunate events.
I’d take dachshund dumps in my supply grates before I deal with another throw blanket soaked in cat piss.
I dunno, dog shit and cat piss are both basically bio weapons.
But I was not unhappy when cat and Mom decided cat wasn’t coming home from staying at her place for the summer. My new cat knows where and where not to pee. If she would learn not to bite her servant I would appreciate it though.
Now you have to find these and give them away as a subscriber prize
Hummer aftershave (American owner edition): smells like a fresh baseball with notes of grilling meat and BBQ, enhanced with Viagra
Hummer aftershave (Hummer operator edition): somehow always cold AF, made with barely potable water out of a trailer with parts stolen from two nearby Marine bases and your buddy’s Army vehicle platoon, has hints of dust, body odor, and the unmistakable reek of a thoroughly deflowered port-a-potty
Do the fragrance particles light up with little LED lights so I can try to impress people in my car and oncoming traffic? I mean if a spray doesn’t produce classic angel eye headlights or an outlined overwrought BMW grille this is a waste.
It’s not for me but I do love the bottle shapes and colors. Looks cool until people notice it’s BMW branded cologne, then the coolness becomes confusion/cringe.
Germans, man.
Ze Germans DO love their, shall we say, STRONG man-fragrances.
And pray tell what year are they going to assign to the fart-scented “Asshole” fragrance?
Who are these BMW “imagineers” that keep dreaming up ridiculously stupid product ideas that are going to have single digit take rates? And who are the managers up the chain that greenlight these crackpot ideas?
there are some weirdos out there that will pay to smell butt holes. ever been on a current dating app? It’s scary and sickening…..
Can’t say that I have. Apparently they’re heavily populated by BMW product development people?
Oh god, your “BMW imagineers” line just caused me to think of the even more cursed version, a creator who produces slightly less expensive but no less terrible scents, which include Ignition Coil Brulée, Interior Crayon Scent, and It’s Been Half A Century Since Woodstock Why Won’t the Smell Come Out.
…a VAGineer.
Ever since the pandemic hit I stopped using colognes. I have a shelve in my closet with like 10 of them, most still new, since people can’t seem to stop gifting those when they don’t know what else to give.
I’d say I’m set for life in the smelling nice department, thanks anyway, BMW.
Shouldn’t 1972 smell like decomposing vinyl, horsehair, old gas, rust, and oil with an undernote of hypoid?
I have a 1978 car. It opens with a slight but firm contact cement aroma, followed by notes of raw fuel and exhaust fumes, culminating in hot engine oil with undertones of burning brake pads
Yes!
The smell of ancient horsehair is one I distinctly remember from owning a 1969 VW Bus and a 1972 BMW 2002.
My ’74 Bavaria had a very similar scent.
I once got into the Citroen DS21 owned by an acquaintance. They and Peugeot must have been using the same adhesives because it smelled incredibly similar to my ’71 504.
Only if you have a 1959 Beetle you bought as your first car in 1975 off of the back of a used car lot for $175
That about sums up how my Spitfire smells. BMW does own the rights to the Triumph brand…
I particularly like how Spits often have a slight hint of moldy leather to go with the remaining smells – leave it to the Brits to add a grace note.
Quite an accomplishment given that other than the very earliest of them there is no leather to be found in a Spitfire. Just cheap British vinyl.
Though I do have a leather interior for mine sitting in a closet waiting for one of those elusive ’round tuits’ to show up.
Alright, I get it, it’s a gag scent. Hilarious. Kid, you need to find another game, leave perfumery to the real men.
I tried to buy Simulacra and Simulation but I couldn’t find the original and what I did find was just a copy.
Back in the 70’s, I had a bottle of GTO cologne.
Just like their cars, 50% of the time it works every time.
“opens with a vibrant blend of citrus…”; “has elegant fruity top notes”
So…lemons?
She gets a special cologne…it’s called “Mmm Panther” by BMW. It’s illegal in nine countries. Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good. They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.
They’d do better to sell a new release of the WD40 fragrance. It would, at least, get enthusiasts into the showroom.
I think I saw this on TV from the 90s. The episode called.
“The One where Joey Pretends to own a …”
Oh, I see what’s new! It’s a different German Car company involved!
It goes back even further – that jacket Joey wears is actually an 80s version of these fragrances. I imagine the overlap of Porsche owners and jacket owners to have been very small.
Confusingly, Porsche Design watches did become a real thing.
They are good looking bottles, as the article alludes, I hope to pick up a full set at Marshalls or TJMaxx for pennies on the dollar.
Ooh, that smell
Can’t you smell that smell?
Ooh, that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
That orange/reddish may be, to a BMW owner, the most odious scent of all… “Turn Signal”.
Blinker fluid?
How much for a carbon fiber M to put on the bottle? For the really hip.
It would be cool if they put all the time and effort it took to make this dreck into making a steering rack that doesn’t suck ass instead
BMW Owner: I can’t get the cologne to come out of the bottle.
BMW Support: You have to push down on the little plunger.
BMW Owner: I’m unfamiliar with the hand motion you’re describing.
BMW Support: Just push down on it, like you push down on your turn signa… Oh. Do you have a hammer?
GOLD
I feel like this comment section would be a good place for a “Pickup line that incorporates rod bearings” contest.
“Honey, that top really shows off your wrist pins”
“Babe, you can oil up my journals any day”
“Want to roll your big end bearings onto my crank, baby?”
Come on, baby. SOHC my shaft
Honestly, rod bearings is too low hanging fruit.
Something, something, inspect your bottom end.
BMW’s fragrance scientists worked hard to create not one, but three scents that somehow manage to tell the world you don’t use turn signals.
Made for the bro who has added tricolor grille slats and an ///M badge to his X1.
Came to say this. Don’t forget the matching ///M air freshener hanging from the mirror and maybe some pseudo carbon fiber dive planes.
Are there satin jackets with the M logo as well? I feel like this runs into “Members Only” territory…and hey, you need somewhere to stash that fragrance bottle, don’t you?
By the 90s, widespread concern that non-members were wearing them doomed the brand. Fortunately, Ed Hardy was just getting going…”you like chain license plate frames huh? Have I got something for you.”
It’s the X1 M35i BRO! I’ve got an M car!