I have to confess that I haven’t played a car-based video game in a long time. I’m not sure if it was Night Driver or Cruisin’ USA, but I am lost when people start talking about how GTA 3 or 4 or 5 was better than 7 or whatever. I really don’t care, and I don’t know what makes up a “good” car-based game, but in my imagination, I can think of plenty that would be terrible. Can you?
How about Dealer Row? In this one, you play against a time clock and have to visit as many dealers as possible to buy a new Khundai Mountainous that your partner wants and get the best deal possible. I could show you a picture of the Mountainous, but it’s a crossover so generic (except for the pointless creases on the side and “distinctive lighting signature”) that you’d forget what I showed you ten seconds later anyway.
You can secure a deal at one place, but if you go and try to beat that deal at a dealer across town, there’s no way to ensure you can go back and get the same deal from the first place later. Level 2 involves getting the best trade-in value, financing rates, and trying to avoid add-ons like TruCoat. Oh, and you have to buy a car that day. Don’t buy or get screwed? You lose, Game Over.
Reviewers would dub it the “Sh**tiest game ever” and “A total soul-sucking waste of time.”
A worse one would be called Autopian – The Quest For Clicks. You play an automotive writer, and you need to keep coming up with posts until something hits and you get “clicks” from views. Three or even four “stories” in the game’s “day” is not unheard of, and you have to beat a Google algorithm that changes over the course of your play time in Level 2. You compete online against your friends, fighting for the same “audience” as set by the game’s software.
Once again, reviews of the game would be awful. “Terrible, and completely unrealistic since nobody would be required to do anything like this in real life.” If they did, though, I think they’d actually love it.
Matt suggested “24 Hour of Le Mans Steward,” where you simply add weight to competition cars.
Now it’s your turn. What horrendous ideas for car video games can you come up with?
Top graphic images: DepositPhotos.com
Ministry
You have to register your new car in order to drive it. To register your new car you must;
Go to the ministry fill out forms, pay duties, fees and taxes. You must also take various tests. All of these tasks must be completed in the correct but undocumented order and receipts must be collected and submitted to each of the bureaucrat’s you encounter. Don’t forget insurance, proof of ownership, bill of sale, proof of taxes paid, proof of residency and so on. The offices are open at random times of day and may close at the discretion of the office. There are numerous side quests involving Doctors certificates, eye examinations, vehicle inspections and certifications. Have fun, don’t get grumpy or you might be forced to start all over because your attitude made someone upset.
Available in a bundle with car dealer simulator and driving test simulator.
Since Desert Bus already exists…Those red flag traffic laws from the early days of automobiles.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_flag_traffic_laws
You play the flagger and have to maintain that proper distance for a vehicle. D-Pad or analog stick to control the direction, but need to press a button to step and adjust pressing speed depending on the speed of the vehicle. Occasionally you will need to also tap a different button to wave the flag (whenever you see oncoming traffic). Let the vehicle get too close to you, you lose. Get too far ahead you also lose.
Car Mechanic Simulator, No 10 mm edition.
Your car is metric, and all the 10 mil tools are gone. You have to complete increasingly complex jobs without the aid of any actual 10 mm tools, but you’ve got a plethora of pliers, vice grips, crescent wrenches, torches, and even a Sawzall. You loose points for broken fasteners and extra time beyond the book rate.
Costco Parking Lot.
Sequel: Whole Foods Parking Lot
See my earlier post for that one.
Advanced mode . . . Trader Joe’s Parking Lot, weekend edition.
You have to negotiate and buy a car before the game activates.
“You have advanced to round 2 . . . Finance Guy.”
Gran turismo 7’s microtransactions.
That’s it, just throw it in there and we’re good.
Extremely realistic Forza Horizon. Key features include:
Set in Monterey California and surrounding areas
Start the game by entering a queue to buy passes for the festival. Hope you beat the scalpers and bots!
Make sure your car is ready to sit in bumper to bumper traffic entering the festival. If it’s old enough, it may overheat…
If you’re lucky, you may be able to buy a spot for another car, so you can have two cars at the festival.
Make sure to keep your oil changed, tires up to date, and other fluids topped off (only able to do this through a series of menus)
Random chance for a catastrophic part failure (increased chances for old BMWs, British cars, and Audi and VW products)
Want to jump that hill? Better not, unless you want to rebuild your body and suspension
Random parts breaking and check engine lights. Better schedule a trip to the mechanic…unless you want to take your luck with a mini game. If you’re lucky, it’ll be simple
Races only pay a few hundred dollars to the top drivers and you have to sign up in weeks(sometimes months) in advance
Browse FB Marketplace, eBay, dealer websites, and auctions for your next ride. Watch as websites and auctions bring high prices; or you can test your luck messaging the seller on that “manual” 328i or “rust free” “unmodified” NB Miata. Try to negotiate with old guys selling their 1979 Camaro for $20k or the dealer selling a 911 3.2 for $125k. Pay the dealer $20k markup for a new M4 or GT350R. You can also list your car for sale and see what happens.
If you’re lucky enough to buy a good car you want, schedule a trip to the DMV to get it registered, then take a trip to the smog shop to get it smogged. Found a GT-R or other import? Hopefully you can register it…
Remember to keep your insurance up to date. You’ll need it if you clip something or someone while driving. If you’re unlucky, someone will do something sketchy and hit your car(random event)
Want to upgrade your car? Order the parts, wait a few weeks, then spend a few days installing a new exhaust for 4 more hp. Hope it still passes smog!
Better not speed, unless you want a ticket and points on your license. If you go on a day rally you can theoretically go as fast as you want, but between the 40 other drivers and hordes of spectators standing inches off the road, who wants to go faster than 45?
The car market is dynamic; there’s a random chance that one with significance will sell at the festival for crazy money, and the whole market will go up 30%
If you drive too much without eating and resting, you’ll be tired; the whole game will feel slowed down. If you paid extra for a camper or hotel near the festival you can go 10 in game hours without rest, if you are sleeping in a tent at the site then you can only go 7
Dynamic AI that reacts to your car; watch as kids with phones mob your GT3 and beg for revs and burnouts, watch as spectators without cars trash your M3 because it’s an automatic, hear middle age dudes make the same jokes about cars as if they’re the first ones to do so. James Bond references for Astons, OJ jokes for 87-96 Broncos(2x chance for white ones), IMS remarks for 996 and 986 Porsches, Beetle jokes for all Porsches. Listen to old dudes talk about how they blew up 3 5.0 Mustangs “back in the day” drag racing then ask if you want theirs for $35k. Hear the old guys tell you about the GT500 or Hemi ‘Cuda they bought for $200 and a case of beer, then find their marketplace listing for a Chevelle roller project listed for $30k
Drive around to try and find parking for dinner
No drift zones, speed traps and zones, danger signs, or other similar things, that encourages unsafe driving and the Horizon festival has partnered with the local law enforcement and city to keep things tame
I’m well qualified for this task as I’ve spent about 200 hours playing video games over my entire life, and those were in the 20th century. Also I haven’t owned a sedan since 1992.
How ’bout “Adjust the valve lash on a malaise-era DOHC Alfa Romeo”?
or one I’ve actually played, “Get your 1974 Triumph TR7 to the inspection station while all of the electronics are working” Hitting the brakes makes the turn signals malfunction, and vice-versa; hitting a bump or cornering too fast cancels the flip-up headlight motor. Also the temperature gauge is in the red all the time.
Junk Yard Parts Organizer
You start out a pick-n-pull salvage lot trying to catalog and organize all the parts in the lot at the same time as random people come in and disassemble and break things. You have no budget, so you do it all with no staff, no technology beyond Excel spreadsheets, and all while concurrently helping the customers who are making the job impossible.
A rerelease of Desert Bus could also make this list. No changes to gameplay, no additional interesting scenery. Just Desert Bus.
Racing Sim Simulator
Build the ultimate setup for online racing, using components from your favorite real-life companies. Choose monitors, wheels, seats, pedals, and more! Ensure compatibility with your system, configure the inputs, and export your design for the world to see.
No racing, lots of microtransactions to unlock the best components.
If it sells, I’m cashing in with Racing Sim Simulator Simulator
I’ve got one for you, Drive Through Simulator.
You’re perpetually stuck in the worlds longest drive through. You’re unable to move more than a few ft at a time, but sometimes cars don’t move at all when they should making it more frustrating. When you finally pull away from the window and check your bag, you realize you’re missing something and have to get back in line.
Ordering is it’s own mini-game to spice things up a bit, there might be a secret manager boss fight too.
The end goal is to collect every item you ordered at the start of your game.
AKA needing to feed that In-N-Out animal style jones…
Maybe too literal, but an automotive spin on Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. Like, use Calibers and Citations instead of the big rigs….. and change nothing else.
Probably score the same as the OG with critics to be honest….
Rental Car: 2027 edition
1) You start by looking at a simulated online counter of car options. Since you just started you only qualify for basic economy.
2) You arrive at the counter of Beige Auto Rentals. You then sign a multitude of electronic waivers for 23 minutes and then get your key. If you mess up one form, you have to start over with the first.
3) You then amble out to the lot with your selected luggage and/or family unit members to look for your Beige Auto Rental. You can only identify it by the 7 alpha-digit ID plate on the rear of vehicle. If you bought the cheat package upfront, you are allowed to press the Panic Key Fob button to locate easier.
4) Find the magic tailgate opener in the hidden image screen. Store belongings and/or family members in vehicle.
4) After completing this intro game experience, you get to drive your Beige Auto Rental. The fun starts.
5) If you didn’t opt for the Map Originator add on feature, you have no clue where you’re going. You get to drive in a random way on the streets to your desired location. It often takes 14 minutes just to find your way out of the Beige Auto Rental parking lot.
6) You have a speed governor that limits you to 5mph under all posted speed limits.
7) If you break any traffic laws, nudge anything be it another car, building, curb, person, dog, mailbox or structure, you instantly sustain Vehicular Damage of your Beige Auto Rental and if the calculated amount exceeded your total Finance Limit Indicator.
Game over.
Gran Turismo, but you have to source and pay for your gas. No gas, no race!
There’d be options for a GoFundMe to scrape up gas money, plasma donations, busking and walking up to strangers asking for a few gallons of gas.
Automotive Bodywork Simulator: You use the controller making the same motions as you’d make with a hand sander and other tools, all done at the actual speed of hand processes. There would be a “watching paint dry” mode, with the game crashing as a result of airborne contaminants, bad prep, orange peel, etc. Plus, the money meter would be spinning as you spend hundreds of hours doing the labor, paying for materials, etc. The “Earl Scheib” mode would be cheaper, but a huge time shortcut. Other game hacks would be rattlecanning, rolling on Rustoleum and graffiti.
Big Altima Energy: Probably needs to be a mode built into one of the GTA series… Points awarded for numbers of police chases evaded, miles covered without the CVT grenading, number of body panels without damage and unsuccessful PIT maneuvers. There’d be deductions for tow bills, fines, insurance payments, etc.
The Alfa/Fiat dealer game: You’re a salesman waiting for someone to come onto the lot, so you can beg them to buy something. In addition to rare points awards, you can give up dignity bonuses as you grovel or do other favors to get somebody into your stale inventory.
Your first one sort of already exists. There’s a game series called Car Mechanic Simulator and repainting cars/doing body work is part of the game.
I have too many car projects to have time to play a simulator… and off my lawn! Killjoy. 😉
Almost all of the ‘worst games’ thought of in this comments section are already on itch.io, but I haven’t had the heart to break it to them.
A racing game that uses two controllers. The left controller thumbsticks control the left 2 wheels, and the right controller thumbsticks control the right two wheels.
Y’all are missing the mark on this one. Anything that has driving will find an audience regardless of how mundane or frustrating it is. Guaranteed.
Ever notice how there’s a simulator for everything on Steam now? There’s already a mechanic simulator, so we can’t use that. There’s a Bus simulator, so sorry Mercedes, that’s out too. There’s even a car wash simulator.
May I present the actual worst car video game:
Car Upholstery Repair Simulator!
Now you don’t have to fix those sagging and ripped seats for reals and focus on doing it in a life-like virtual environment! Fix all kinds of problems from spills to rips to smells, to full interior restoration! But be careful – you have limited supplies and time! Time attack mode challenges you to fix an upholstery problem while driving using what ever is in reach. Be careful and fast, or you’ll run over that pedestrian! Challenge mode will present a problem – from an old interior of rich corinthian leather that needs restoring, to a modern interior destroyed by children and dog farts. You only have what’s in your garage! Make it look new again! Career mode takes it up a notch and simulates running an actual Upholstery Repair business for profit. Use the newest products to solve the hardest customer upholstery problems. But don’t use too much, or you’ll be too expensive and customers will send negative google reviews!