It’s Black Friday! That’s the traditional day after Thanksgiving where we all have a serious responsibility to go out and buy shit. Far be it from us to get in the way of that, and besides, our Publisher Matt demanded that I do a big post for today full of Amazon affiliate links, so we can, you know, get some sort of percentage if anyone buys something. But Matt’s a hungry bastard, and when he told me about this he seized my upper arm with a creepy strength that you wouldn’t expect from his wiry frame.
“You don’t understand,” Matt said, eyes locked into mine like a pair of crazed lasers, icicles of drool escaping the corners of his mouth, “We need to make some money, you dirty little [redacted], and if you don’t move some mothergrabbing product this Blackest of Fridays, I’ll sell every one of your [redacted] organs!” Then he smacked the lever that retracts my restraints and pulls me back into my work-pod.
To get the kind of numbers Matt is demanding, I’d have to do an absurd amount of Amazon affiliate links – and I don’t have that kind of time! I gotta do something bolder, more dramatic! So, with that in mind, this Black Friday Amazon shopping guide is going to have some higher-end items, because then all I need to do is move, like, a few of these things! But I promise this is all shit you, as car lovers and more, can use!
For The Kids!
What kid doesn’t dream of bending sheet metal into all sorts of complex shapes? Imagine the fun you and your kid can have bending sheet metal into new doors and fenders and other body panels for your cars or trucks, provided they have no complex compound curves! This baby, this sweet Kaka Industrial Sheet Metal Brake, can make that happen!
Do you have, let’s see, maybe a VW Thing or an old Willys Jeep? I bet you could make some new doors or something? Hell, I bet you could make most of a Cybertruck body on this bitch! At barely over five grand, this thing is a steal.
For Her
If you have a special lady in your life, or perhaps are a special lady, then I’m sure you’ve already been aware of and tempted by one of the many fine mini excavators on the market today. There’s something about the thrum of a KUBOTA diesel, the feel of the control sticks in your hands as you swing that excavator arm around, the clank of the caterpillar treads – it’s all downright motherflapping intoxicating. And this one is less than the cost of a new Nissan Versa! She’s gonna lose her mind when you hand over the keys to a brand new TERROR XVIII Mini!
Treat Yourself
Sometimes you have to do something for just you, right? Something special, an indulgence that only you truly appreciate. Something like being able to test your own corrosion resistance of materials and coatings, right in the comfort of your own home! No more sending all those cumbersome samples out to some remote lab, where they’re subject to who knows what kind of prying eyes and scrutiny! That’s why, to paraphrase Virginia Woolf, you need a Precision Salt Spray Testing Chamber of one’s own.
Do it for yourself.
Show Off A Little!
I bet you or someone you know really loves to be able to pump a given substance with X-rays and then see what sorts of X-rays fluoresce back out, so you can really understand the composition of that material. It’s great for mining, food safety, environmental application, or just for fun, erotic or otherwise! And, if you’re into XRF analysis, you want everyone to know it! This flashy bumblebee-colored ScopeX CSA 600 Benchtop XRF Analyzer will definitely get the attention you want! And deserve!
Relax, Life Is Good
I’m sure there’s someone in your life you know who works hard and plays hard. And I bet that person could sometimes use a way to really kick back and relax – and there’s no better way to do that than with a 2-in-1 Ultrasonic Homoginizer Sonicator Cell Disruptor Mixer! Sometimes after a long day, there’s nothing you want to do more than just letting go and homogenize and sonicate the crap out of some stuff. With 1800W of Sonicating power, nothing is going to be out of your sonicating and homogenizing reach! Does it have titanium alloy ultrasonic probes for maximum biocompatibility? You know it does!
For The Person Who Has Everything
We all have that friend who is so hard to buy for because, let’s face it, they pretty much have everything. But you know what I bet they don’t have? A commercial floral display cooler! I bet their flowers are all wilty, overheated wrecks, which makes them look like real assholes. You can solve this problem for them, permanently, with the gift of a 43 cubic foot floral cooler, complete with an illuminated FRESH FLOWERS marquee! Plus, it also can chill snacks and reptile pets you want to slow down!
Make Life Easier
Life is hard enough. Work and family life are demanding and taxing enough on their own, so who among us hasn’t felt that they just don’t have the time or energy to pack dig up dirt and earth and then pack that soil into molds to make bricks and pavers and other sorts of masonry blocks? It’s exhausting! Well, I’m here to light candles rather than curse darkness, so check out this incredible Manual Hollow Soil Block Molding Machine!
With all that hydraulic power, soon you or a loved one will be cranking out hollow blocks, solid blocks, S-shaped pavers, and more! You’ll go to bed every night feeling refreshed and relaxed, with a huge pile of bricks reminding you how awesome life is!
Blow Some Cash
Sometimes, the perfect gift is the one that says “hey, babe. Look how much money I spent on you.” Nothing says giving more than dropping truly insane amounts of green on something ridiculous, ideally genuinely useless and undesirable. This Josh Gibson Single Signed Baseball – the only one in the known universe – is just such an item.
It costs $1.6 million. On Amazon.
Now, it’s not like Josh Gibson wasn’t a fantastic ball player, because of course he was, one of the greats – some people called Babe Ruth the “white Josh Gibson” for a reason –but let’s be honest, he doesn’t have the mainstream name recognition of, say, a Hank Aaron or Willie Mays. And just as an object itself, it’s kind of homely – a worn-out old dirty tan-colored sphere with some stitching on it. You can buy huge diamonds for less than this old leather sphere.
But just think how good it will feel when you toss this old baseball into the hands of a loved one and tell them “Don’t lose that under the couch – it cost $1.6 million dollars!”
I think that’s what this season is all about, isn’t it?
[Ed note: I’ve already found a buyer for Jason’s liver, so you can click these links as you do your Amazon shopping and maybe The Autopian will earn a commission for all the real stuff you buy this holiday season, OR you can actually buy Josh Gibson’s baseball, OR I can sell a few of his vital organs. It’s all just money to me. – MH]
Finally, a useful collection of affiliate links. My desire to consume has never been higher.
I read the entire article, start to finish. I don’t know if that says more about me or about Torch’s writing, but it definitely says something. The comments are also top notch.
I’m not buying these unless there’s two day shipping
I would pay 3 mil for a Josh Gibson auto. Crazy, but I love baseball. More valuable to me than a Honus Wagner, IF it is the only autograph Gibson baseball.
No lie, I’d love to have a box and pan brake, but that one may be a little too much for the type and amount of metal I’m working.
The marketing manager at The Drive just got fired.
l m a oooooooooooooo
This is why I love this website so much
Damn! I soo want that mini excavator!
330 bucks for 24 hours at Sunbelt Rentals if you don’t want to make a full commitment.
Around here we’ve got a place called “A Tool Shed” as well. Either option is great for picking up all kinds of delightful heavy machinery for a day, week or year.
Also the place to go for workers or day laborers in a pinch. They hang out around the parking lot, and they’re probably undocumented, but if you need a few guys to raise a barn, dig a ditch, or repair a roof and you don’t have that many friends, it’s good to know.
What? No Christmas wish list of Driver’s watches that average about $6000?
For any of you thinking about getting the XRF, I’ll just say that our lab ended up selling ours off after not really using the thing for a couple of years. The sonicator, on the other hand, got a lot of use.
Brilliant article, by the way.
Does it say anything that the most implausible part of the working-conditions scenario Jason describes is that we all know he lives in North Carolina and Matt lives in New York?
DT; “I’m Fixing This Rusty 1978 Dodge Taxi That Hasn’t Moved In 20 Years So Matt Can Drive It 500 Miles To Break Torch’s Legs”
Dang, that salt sprayer is sweet. It’ll create Autopian gold. I can make my very own DT Signature ShitBox. No need to crawl the backlands of suburban Troy. I can junk my spray booth- candy apple colors are soooo boomer. Patina is in. I wonder if the machine comes with the frame rail attachment.
Best yet- i can now start submitting my creations, with thoughtful stories, to ShitBox Showdown. I assume getting your vehicle accepted for publication gives one the same thrill as getting your personal story printed in Penthouse.
I didn’t say I’d break your legs, I said I’d significantly hamper your mobility.
Just being a Mustang II is enough to do that. Then again, Jason has enough inop ’70s tin around he might not notice another car hiding between the Beetle and the RV.
False. Stay away from that wheelbarrow son, you know nothing about machinery.
Well, I was really looking forward to making pavers, but you didn’t include a link. Now I can’t even give you the affiliate credit. Also, I’m too lazy to look it up myself.
Manual Hollow Soil Block Molding Machine
Maybe this link will work; but honestly, why wouldn’t you splurge for the Automatic Hollow Soil Block Molding Machine?