You know what one of my guilty Malaise-era American car pleasures is? Ford Rancheros. Especially the sixth-generation ones from 1972 to 1976, based on the Ford Gran Torino. I like these because they had that sort of exuberant, overdone, curvy ’70s style that I’m kind of a sucker for. So, of course a brochure for the ’75 Ranchero is going to get my attention, but what I didn’t expect is for it to remind me of a very creepy scene from David Lynch’s wonderfully unsettling film, Mulholland Drive.
I get that this seems like a pretty huge leap to make, but let me explain. It’s an absurdly tiny part of the movie, but, as David Lynch excels at making tiny parts of his movies deeply creepy and hard to forget, I think it makes sense it’d have stuck in my head. And, it’s sort of a literally tiny thing, too. You’ll see.
It’s from this page of the Ranchero brochure:
Look at that Ranchero, the choice of fancy horse-couples everywhere! I especially like it in that avocado green and woodgrain in the upper right – is there any color scheme that is more unapologetically ’70s than that?
But, the part I’m thinking of here is near the middle of the page, where the horse couple is posing with that brown Ranchero. If we crop this image just right, getting rid of the brown Ranchero they’re scaled to match and instead only keeping the much larger blue one, we get this:
This way it appears that our horse couple are about, oh, six to eight inches tall, a pair of tiny equestrians hanging out in front of that Ranchero. Maybe they ride Corgis?
Anyway, the scale of these two somehow reminded me of this scene from the end of Mulholland Drive:
Sure, the horse-people are less scary than those old folks, and the old folks only stay tiny for a moment, but that’s where my brain went, and the only way to free myself is to share this all with you. Terribly sorry.
That said, it’s still a good reason to appreciate this era of Ranchero! Look at the curves on this thing! I especially like that deep intaglio strake at the rear quarter, and the slight arch on the front fenders. These were oddly swoopy truck-like vehicles!
This is the facelifted front end, which hid the front indicators in that big grille; I think I actually prefer the earlier, pre-5mph bumper face, which had more of a fishmouth-style grille:
You could get these with Ford’s 250 cubic-inch inline six, which made a Malaise-tastic 98 hp, but there were also Windsor V8s that made between 120 and almost 250 hp or so. Look how good that thing looks in the classic Torino/Starsky and Hutch-style livery!
I think the Rancheros must have started as Torino coupés, and I think the coupés look fantastic, too. Look at those hood scoops! They all have such a Syd Mead sort of yesterday’s tomorrow sort of look about them.
Now just keep an eye out for tiny people.
Almost had one but a better condition brat got the nod.
Not in the mood for a rusty (then) 30+ year old car. Needing expensive repairs.
The advertisement reminds me of the Godfather due to it having a horses head.
I had a 76 Ranchero GT in red with that awesome stripe. I’m not sure why it was a GT because that 351 was not fast. Good looking though and could seat four if everyone was good humored.
It was today I realized that Mulholland Dr. is not the same movie as Mulholland Falls.
Damnit, Torch. I’m still traumatized by this movie. Teen me thought it would be cool to watch that movie with my dad until Naomi Watts began the infamous masturbation scene. Awkward is an understatement as my father and I sat through the entire scene in silence..
My dad’s friend had one. He let me borrow it one time right after I got my driver’s license. It was the first rear wheel drive car I’d ever driven so naturally it was donuts donuts donuts!
Torino Rancheros are best Rancheros, but I personally liked the ’70-’71 design better than the later designs.
My very first car was a ‘73 Ranchero 500. I got rear-ended in rush hour traffic by a Dodge D50 pickup, and while I could drive away, the beast was never the same again.
(I do distinctly remember looking in my rear view after making it to the shoulder and being able to see the top of the D50’s air cleaner, asits whole engine block had somehow folded 90 degrees)
I appreciate that Jason was able to share cropping with us.
If we look at the picture of the life-size horse-couple (not the miniature bumper people) we can see the ladyperson holding a riding crop. We can see the whole thing – so the pic was not redacted – and there is only one, so I guess both people take turns using it.
Thank you, Jason, for sharing the shared uncropped crop.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be out cropping.
The biggest problem with Ranchero ownership has to be constantly correcting everyone who calls it an El Camino.
Oh great. Now I gotta watch Eraserhead again to cleanse my brain of Mulholland Drive. It’s a vicious Lynchian circle.
Blue Velvet would seem a bit lighter. Maybe.
El Camino? Fuck that shit! FORD RAN-CHERO!
Let’s go for a ride!
In the last pic…is he pushing that gold car? And is she yelling at him for spending his money on Ted Nugent albums instead of gas?
He said no I just got my cock caught in the trunk. She’s assuring him. It’s no big deal. It wasn’t that big.
My favorite thing about these era utes are the smugglers box under the bed. Because they are so heavily based on other vehicles, the floor pans still had the rear passenger foot wells from the model they were based on and a big empty space ended up being left there hidden by the bed floor. So Ford & GM ended up just making access doors (be it directly in the bed floor or in some models making access available from inside the cab with fold forward seats). It’s not the most useful all the time, but it sure is nice for stuff like the spare tire and some other pizza box shaped stuff.
The current Maverick should have been named the Ranchero.
Instead of the Lobo they should have called it Ranchero and of course included 70’s style tape striping similar to what they have offered on the Broncos.
For some reason, the ’70’s were the best-looking American “utes”. The El Camino of this period, based on the Collandade cars, is the best of them all- especially in Laguna S3 trim.
The truth is, the Mopar mini-utes based on the Charger and Turismo were pretty sharp, too.
Maybe it’s deceiving, but in the side profile the hood looks almost as long as the bed, with the cabin being a tiny bubble almost in the middle.
Nah you pretty much nailed it. You’ve heard of cab forward pickups the 70’s Ranchero was a center cab pickup.
They also came with 351 Cleveland V8s and 385 V8s in 429 and 460ci.
My 90’s shop vehicle(differential rebuilding) was a ’72 Ranchero GT500 with a mildly built 351C that I did a quickie restoration(new interior, paint and remove the aluminum trim on the tailgate and side, it was a really cool looking vehicle and my customers loved it. I still think the ’72 is the only good-looking year, that later flat front w/railroad tie bumpers ruined the car.
However, it had perhaps the worst visibility of anything I’ve ever driven, and yes, I’ve driven late model Camaros. I’m 6’2″ with a long torso and I still couldn’t see shit behind me. My poor girlfriend at the time was 5’3″ and had to sit on a booster seat the one time she had to borrow it.
The avocado green with woodgrain inserts will never NOT look like a halved avocado, pit and all. That’s… Not a bad thing.
Ford/Mercury the correct color is Metallic Pea.
Though the 70’s models looked great, but these Rancheros had no huevos.
Yeah, but… go online, open your wallet, and boom! Instant huevos.
In any flavor you want from mild to extra spicy to pure fire.