Here Are The Seven Least-Wanted Car Features According To The Most Exhaustive Study Ever Undertaken

There’s an astounding amount of market research and social and economic science dedicated to determining exactly what features people really want from their cars. This is, of course, big business for carmakers, who use this data to carefully appoint their cars in such a way as to maximize the amount of money they can extract from consumers. It’s a noble pursuit, of course, though what is often underappreciated is the counter to these sorts of studies: research into what car buyers want the least. I’m excited to say that I have been given the results of the most comprehensive and exhaustive and exhausting study on what car buyers absolutely do not want, a solid two weeks before the official announcement at the National Bureau of Economic Research’s Economics of Transportation Conference.

This study, which was conducted primarily within a 22-inch diameter sphere of space surrounding my head, reveals some fascinating insights into the state of the modern automotive consumer, revealing their wants, needs, desires, fetishes, and more, all through the negation of these qualities. The study emphasized seven potential car features or options that generated the most distaste, revulsion, and dismay among consumers, and I feel these are important enough to present to you.

So, according to the study, which is currently in the final stages of peer review (by a board composed of academics, 8-bit computers, and three especially erudite raccoons, including one that is a member of the Knights of Columbus), here are the six least-desired car features:

Split folding rear seats got their start on, of all cars, the Reliant Scimitar GTE, which used a 50:50 split folding setup. The most popular arrangement for this system that allows oversize cargo and seating simultaneously is a 60:40 split. This study found that absolutely no one wants a rear seat with a 90:10 split.

In fact, it was noted that the only use for a 90:10 split seat would be for people who needed to carry both a lot of cargo and one lone snake, trained to sit in a human-like manner:

This is a vanishingly tiny demographic.

2. Speedometer calibrated in leagues per day

The vast, vast majority of drivers want a speedometer calibrated in either kilometers per hour or miles per hour. Almost nobody wants a speedometer calibrated in leagues per day. Despite the popularity of the unit of measurement (which is about 3 miles) in the Age of Sail (1500s to 1800s), car buyers really don’t want speedometers calibrated for those units, let alone per day instead of per hour. Just for reference, 60 mph converts to about 480 leagues per day.

3. Eyewash system instead of windshield washer

Systems that attempt to improve visibility out the windshield, like exterior windshield washer systems, are dramatically preferred over internal eye wash systems. Car buyers tended to find the pressure of the eyewash spray too powerful, and the eyewash solution tends to burn eyes really badly. Also, interior eyewash systems do not do anything for exterior dirt and debris buildup on the windshield, which remains the bigger issue than eyeball cleanliness, which is largely handled through eyelids, eyelashes, and tears.

4. App-controlled headrests, with subscription

Car subscription systems are pretty universally hated, especially for the use of equipment cars already have. The idea of headrest use as a subscription service is incredibly unpopular, especially when the only way to control the headrest is via a phone app, and the car will rapidly and violently shake the headrest and use internal heating coils to make it painfully hot if you have not subscribed to the headrest access subscription.

5. Glovebox incinerator

Gloveboxes with the ability to rapidly incinerate their contents proved to be wildly unwanted by car buyers, and even more so when activated by a stalk in the place of the expected turn indicator stalk.

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6. Anti-lock seat adjusters

You would think the application of anti-lock technology would be popular when applied to other parts of a car, but anti-lock seats – where the seat slides back and forth on its rails without the ability to lock in position – are not desired at all by car buyers.

7. Bifocal windshield

The concept of a prescription windshield has been bandied about for years, primarily by representatives of the American Ophthalmic Consortium, and while those have never been popular, the idea of bifocal windshields, where the areas that are likely to have signs that need to be legible and areas for seeing distance have different lenses, is even more unpopular. Bifocal windshields have an effective 100% ability to make drivers vomit within moments of driving.

Fascinating, right? I have no idea why this study has taken so long to be undertaken, but I’m happy it’s finally here. It’s super helpful for not spec’ing a new car you won’t buy!