One of the biggest perks of my chosen profession is that people give me cars to drive, and I get to tell you, dear readers, all about them. Sometimes, automakers even fly me to fancy places to drive these cars. I was remarking to my daughter yesterday that if I wanted to drive as many cars as I do without being an automotive journalist, I’d either have to get a well-paying job I’d hate or become a valet.
The unavoidable paradox of being a critic, especially of consumer products, is that the more reviews you write, the harder it gets to write them. As you become more knowledgeable of your subject area, the more challenging it is, at least for me personally, to write in a way that differentiates one review from another.
Inevitably, this creates a risk of laziness, which, for writers, means falling into the trap of leaning too hard on cliché. It happens. In the older days of auto journalism, when there was still good money in magazines, the amount of output required of the average reviewer was lower than it is now, and it still happened.
I say this not to be critical of the profession in general or to pick on anyone in particular. Lauryn is only human, so don’t think I haven’t been through the same predicament. If you go through my corpus of reviews, you’ll probably find an example of each of these somewhere (or, like, multiple in one article).
Consider this a peek behind the curtain into the mind of the average car reviewer.
“The shifter falls at hand…”
Translation: This one drives Jason crazy, because it really doesn’t mean much. Where else should the shifter fall? Should it fall at the knees? This means the reviewer had nothing to say about the shifter, but probably gets paid by the word and had to say something.
“…understeers at the limit”
Translation: This is a FWD or AWD car. Or it’s a BMW i3 with not enough tire up front.
“It falls apart at 10/10ths…”
Translation: The reviewer has been flown around the world to the greatest race tracks and had literal Le Mans 24-hour winners give them driving instruction and, in all that time, they’ve somehow never learned to drive. They do not understand what trail-braking is, and only do it inadvertently and haphazardly. A car’s limits are so approachable to them because when they get to a turn, they’re either smashing the gas too hard or the brakes too late.
“It makes all the right sounds.”
Translation: It has a functioning motor. Probably not an NA V6.
“Torque is instantaneous…”
Translation: This is an electric car.
“The car’s designers neatly bisected the DLO with a thin b-pillar”
Translation: The reviewer has been to many press conferences, and while they’re mostly only paying attention to the bank app on their phone to make sure they don’t get accidentally billed for all that room service, they do glom onto one term and use it in every review because it makes them sound knowledgeable. Why should you trust this person to give an accurate and honest car review? Because they know the weird terminology that you don’t. See also: Heckblende.
“Butt-dyno”
Translation: Someone told the reviewer the actual stats, but looking up numbers is for nerds. How they feel about the power is more important than the actual, quantifiable number.
“The car’s bulbous rear…”
Translation: The reviewer knows we’re not supposed to compare cars to Sophia Loren anymore, both because it’s maybe sexist to only compare cars to beautiful actresses and because Gen Z doesn’t know who Sophia Loren is.
“Horsepower”
Translation: When a reviewer refers to the experience the kick of horsepower, they usually mean torque.
“Torque”
Translation: Also torque.
“… fine …”
Translation: How do you refer to a car that’s not so bad that it makes you angry, nor so good that it draws comparisons to your favorite song, plane, flower, drink, or actress? You just call it fine.
“Piano black”
Translation: At some point, reviewers realized that no one likes piano black interiors. The taste of the average car reviewer is probably not the same as the taste of the average consumer, so now that reviewers have realized this is something that they’ll win points for complaining about, they’ll take any remotely shiny piece of plastic or metal, call it piano black, and say it’s the worst thing to happen since the Spanish Inquistion, the Bubonic Plague, and According to Jim combined.
“Like a [Insert Power Tool] in a washing machine…”
Translation: A reviewer many years ago (Peter Egan? Sam Mitani?) compared the exhaust note of a car to a chainsaw in a washing machine, and reviewers have all tried some variation on this. It means the car is loud.
“Handles like it’s on rails…”
Translation: The reviewer was still hungover. Also, the reviewer, if American, has never been on a train.
“Handles like a go-kart”
Translation: On rails, but the car is small.
“Rides like a cloud…”
Translation: The pre-production staff for the vehicle launch drove every road within a 300-mile radius of the hotel and selected a route that has no bumps, no dips, and nary a crack in the pavement.
“Some Interior Plastics Are Hard”
Translation: Especially if this is an inexpensive vehicle or a truck or an off-road SUV, this usually means: I really need to add something else to my “cons” list, so this should work.
These are just a few of my favorites. If you’ve got more, add them below, and I’m happy to translate for you.
Top graphic images: Honda; depositphotos.com
“10.7 inch center touch screen.” Just tell us if it seems too big or too small.
I mean, I wouldn’t care if they rounded to the nearest 0.5″ increment or something, but whether a screen is too big is definitely going to vary person-to-person. Me, I’d prefer bigger screens for larger room for error because of my sometimes-shaky hands.
On the other hand, someone with small, steady hands may be content with a much smaller screen.
“It’s really good at doing what it does.”
-Blogger that uses these reviews to fund their trips.
On a related note, I say that Adrian and Thomas have my favourite writing style when doing reviews. Adrian is a wordsmith and Thomas just does a fantastic job of writing completely unhinged comparisons that keep you reading.,
“Sporty” = some combination of unnecessary vents, splitters, and spoilers.
I hate “sporty” so much.
Consumer Reports- “handling is unsettled.”
POV: You’re a new publication in the 80s trying to make your mark, and plan to sink a Japanese SUV to do it.
Um, consumer reports had been around for over 50 years when they tested the Suzuki Samurai.
Not a new publication at all.
The hard plastics one always gets me like interior of cars nowadays are pretty much just plastic everywhere as is. Also do they just think all plastic feels like plastic bags or bubble wrap?
Haven’t they been like that like for the last 30+ years? As a 90s kid, all vehicles interiors are cheap plastic since ever.
Yeah exactly what I am saying my 89 firebird is filled with cheap plastics all the way to any modern car. Even my dad’s 57 bel air has some plastic bits on the interior that have since disintegrated but most that interior is metal though. So I really just don’t understand the pointing out of “this door panel has a lot of hard plastics in it” or the knocking on the dash board and they are “you hear that cheap plastic?” Like yeah no so shit did you expect it to be make from wood or metal?
There is cheap plastic, and there is not-cheap plastic. And there is a big difference between the two.
This. My old W-body had terribly cheap and poor wearing plastics. The wife’s ’07 Corolla is if anything MORE plastic inside, yet looks and feels near new almost 2 decades on.
Exactly. GM was the absolute king of shitty cheap plastics. Toyotas are generally decent, if not in any way luxurious feeling.
A legit complaint is comparing the interior quality of my e9x/e8x to the f3x/f2x cars that succeeded them. The quality and feel of the plastics is just notably worse in the newer cars. There doesn’t seem to be much difference in durability, but they don’t look or feel as nice. And there is a noticeable difference in places between the 1/3 and 2/3 cars of each generation, the cheaper cars ARE cheaper feeling inside in places. But all of them look and feel nicer inside than cheaper cars. It’s part of the premium you are paying for.
My ’06 Camry LE had indiviually adjustable rear headrests and fabric inserts on the rear door cards,all doors also had soft vinyl on top of door cards. It had an N/A 2.4, 5 speed auto, 15 inch steelies, front disk, rear drum.
My ’14 Camry SE hybrid deleted the rear adjustable headrasts and the rear door cards are all hard plastic. Only the front doors get some soft trim. It is better equipped with 4 wheel discs and hybrid, but I see the cheapening.
Exactly. The ultimate example of this is probably Mercedes-Benz. Compare the ’88 300TE wagon I had to the ’14 E350 wagon I have now and the difference in content is astounding. BUT, so is the difference in quality relative to lesser cars of the time. The 300TE was just in another universe compared to something like a domestic mid-size in every way – but it also cost the inflation-adjusted equivalent of $90K+ for a car with 188hp, a 4spd autobox, a kind of crappy sounding cassette deck, power windows and door locks, a sunroof but only ONE power mirror, and plastic seats. The only tech features were ABS and the rear load-leveling. The ’14 cost only $70K for 302hp, a 7spd, power everything, a full infotainment system with navigation and a gazillion speakers that sounds like a concert hall, stability and traction control and all the other mod-cons you expect in a luxury car of a decade ago (not enough screen for today, of course). But the build quality, while still somewhat better than the domestic equivalent, is only a little better now, and much worse than the ’88. It’s holding up better mechanically and especially in rust resistance, but the plastics are crap. Even MBTex is a sad shadow of what it once was. On the old cars those seats were literally indestructible, but on my car both front seat bottoms were replaced under warranty, and the replacement driver’s seat bottom now has a weird patch that seemed to melt and is now peeling away from the backing. So the car got $20K cheaper while adding a HUGE amount of content – something had to give, and while some of it was profit margin and economy of scale, most of it was not.
I owned a ’91 Sable GS and a ’94 Taurus SHO.To be honest, the interior of that base Sable was a nicer place to be than the top of the line SHO. Sure it had leather, moonroof, and better seats, but almost everything else had been cost cut to the bone. No adjustable rear seat head-rests. Cheaper door cards. Less plush carpet.
That was across generations, right? That seems to be the way. They go all out on the new car, then cost cut each generation going forward to keep the price down.
For sure the Tauruses I had as rentals all the time in the late ’90s and early ’00s were nowhere near as nice as the originals from the mid-80s. Especially the last generation before the D2 platform cars was particularly “rental grade”. The D2s were a little better, but still not as nice as the originals in look and feel inside.
Yes, the facelift was in ’92. Much cheapening occured. I had an ’01 Taurus as a rental while still owned the SHO. It was heartbreaking.
Oh true but how often do we see super cheaper plastics in modern cars? Back in the 80s and 90s sure but it seems most manufactures today most the plastics hold up decently well.
How well it holds up is a completely separate question. Hard cheap plastic that looks and feels terrible probably won’t look any different in 20 years, and will shrug off abuse. But that isn’t going to cut it in a $50K car.
The trick is to make it durable AND look and feel nice – and that costs MONEY. Which is why the plastics in a 2015 BMW are not as nice as those in a 2010. They had to hold the line on cost while adding more and more tech, so something had to give. But at the same time, that erodes one of the reasons to buy a premium car over a more ordinary one. Tough line to walk as an automaker.
True true but guess depends on what you are looking at a review of. If I am looking at a review of a Camry or Civic does the person really have to point out it is not make of the most top quality parts? Now if it is a review of a BMW or Mercedes but it feels cheap then yeah that should be pointed out. Then again the nicest vehicles I have owned were the 2023 Miata RF and the car I traded it for in the 2022 Polestar 2 and the “qauilty” interiors of those compared to my 2013 FJ cruise and 92 d250 are night and day haha. So to me pointing out the quality of plastics just seems odd to me. Then again I have never been much of a buy a car brand new person either though that may have been more due to money haha.
I agree it needs to be relative to other cars in the class.
Today, I don’t think there is the difference within classes that there used to be. For what it cost, my mother’s Soul is perfectly nice inside. But it’s made of compressed crap compared to my BMWs. But adjusted for inflation, I could almost buy THREE of her car for what I paid for my BMW wagon new. It was less than half the price NOT adjusted for inflation.
But for sure I think pointing out that the new generation of a car is crappier inside than the previous is absolutely fair game.
In class is key. I’m not expecting Lexus in an Corolla. But when the competition is better there is a problem.
Exactly! You don’t find the wild differences at a particular price point anymore like you did back in the day. But $10K makes a big difference as you go up the ladder, usually.
Rubbermaid, Playskool, Fischer Price, Step 1, to describe any durable, hard wearing interior material. I get it, there are touch points that I want a soft supple vinyl or fabric on. There are plenty of others for which durability is a bigger concern.
Love my Firebirds old fisher price interior haha
Yeah – Ain’t gonna lie, old GM was bad.
Yeah surprisingly though most of my firebirds has held up only thing so far interior wise I need to replace is my headliner. My dash is still good but then again it has always been garaged/barned so it doesn’t get baked in the sun.
I like the sound of our Odyssey more than our Tacoma. Let the haters come.
The Vanborghini!
The Honda 60 degree V6 is a pretty good sounding, smooth motor.
Both sound like ass compared to an Alfa Romeo V6.
But you hear the Alfa’s V6 half the time, and the tow truck’s V8 the other half.
Mine was perfectly reliable in the time I had it. <shrug>
hoe long did that last?
Four years. It’s called “proper maintenance”. They are not unreliable if they are properly taken care of. The problem is people buy them as used up neglected half-wrecks, or bought them new and treated them like Chevys, so they turned into neglected wrecks. Helped along by the average mechanic in the US not having the first clue about anything more exotic than a Chevy, and doing the cars zero favors.
I love this. Also you have my sympathy trying to find endless synonyms for something that could just be spoken plainly, but may turn it into a boring read.
To return the favor, I offer this:
If you are ever at a stand-up comedy show and the comic says “I’m having a good time.” or “This is fun.” it means the show is not going well and they aren’t happy with the audience or themselves.
You might want to check out Dusty Slay – he uses “We’re having a good time” to good effect during his stand-up performances.
Otherwise, I agree with your sentiment.
Dusty and I have a lot of the same friends. Dude is amazing.
You don’t have to say who but did you have someone specific in mind on that 10/10ths translation? I can think of one person that describes perfectly but just curious if there’s a lot more like that.
The phrase 10/10ths should be reserved for impact barrier testing, or at the very least for spinning and/or rolling the car over at least twice.
Sort of like the coffin corner in aviation.
Wtf does it mean literally? 10/10ths of what?
Describing the interior as a “cockpit” has always sounded like a bit much. I don’t think anyone besides reviewers uses that word.
Translation: We all wanted to be pilots, but a mix of bad eyesight and no money means that we do this instead.
Hey I’m in the same camp! It’s just…there’s got to be a way to live out our dreams without having to pretend our equinoxes are airliners.
The passenger must just sit there.They cannot reach the radio or HVAC.
I once referred to my wife as my “RIO” but (fortunately) she didn’t get the joke. That’s Radar Intercept Officer for those not in the know. (That’s the “back seater” that tells the pilot where to go.)
She did think “talk to me Goose” was funny one time when we were lost, away back before cell phones with map apps were a thing.
We also joke about how the truck has automatic wipers when she’s riding shotgun – she reaches over and turns them on way before I see the need for them.
UUGGGHH, my significant other does this – or engages the washer unexpectedly. It is a pet peeve of mine. No boundaries. You reprogram the GPS.
“Joey, have you ever been inside a cockpit?”
I’m guilty of this, but I’m also obsessed with planes and would totally have a C172 panel in a car if I had the time to install it.
Yes, these car reviewers should certainly pivot to new terminologies.
I can imagine writing unique reviews might be as hard as a musician not relying on the same tricks and licks whilst writing a song. Call it the ‘AC/DC Effect.’
Lately I’ve noticed reviewers describing the quality of the plastics and referring to their “grain.” I can’t imagine most ppl notice or care aside from hard vs soft, and even then I’d bet most folks don’t know they have fancy soft-touch elements, aside from the weirdos like us who go around poking at dashboards in rental cars.
Grain bothers me less than the “cut you like a knife” mold parting flash seen on most ’70s and ’80s domestics. That said, I have seen some BAD and mismatched graining.
I do poke the dashboards of rentals. GM’s fabric intrigues me.
“Engaging” – I felt it shift and the steering’s not too loose.
“Steering is responsive” – The steering isn’t particularly loose for the vehicle class.
“the steering is numb, but precise”
The writer thinks they sound thought-provoking and unbiased if they pair a negative with a positive. Negative: the steering is numb. Positive: The tires aren’t underinflated, dry-rotted, long-life ultra-economy super-hard-compound 165/70r14’s and there is a steering rack.
“perfectly balanced”
The brochure said it’s close to 50/50 weight distribution, and the writer does not know what balanced handling means. The vehicle in question understeers, a lot.
“grip is (superlative adjective)”
This car comes with tires whose name the writer actually remembers.
“it wants to bite my head off”
This vehicle is balanced.
Towards the “bite my head off” comment, it reminds me of Matt Farah describing driving a McLaren (I think it was the 720S)
*paraphrasing
“That car is brilliant, handles amazing. Then I turned the traction and stability control off and that car wanted me DEAD.”
Pretty much any modern performance car becomes pretty lethal with the nannies off. The average punter has no need or ability of being in direct control of more than about 200hp.
I had a rented Camaro SS with well-worn tires that really wanted to kill me with all the nannies ON. Cold and damp that week in Georgia…
Modern supercars are like fighter planes that are naturally unstable and only flyable with a lot of computing power.
Except drivers get a few orders of magnitude less training in how to use them.
“Whopping” : Followed by a number about 20% above average, be it power, weight, price, etc.
Ohhhh yeah, I use this one a lot.
It is kind of like listening to a project manager and all their buzzwords that don’t actually mean anything.
“Shifter falls to hand” means it’s not an awkward reach forward or back nor too low or high. Or, you know, on a touchscreen.
Who cares, though, now that cars are either auto or electric.
“over pockmarked pavement” = driven on basically any American road
LOL, perfect!
Is there a code for “This car sucks but we don’t want to piss off the manufacturer?”
I just remember how vintage Motorweek never said a car was bad, but you had to infer from the review not being overly positive that it was a car you should pass on.
Their review of the ’82 Cadillac Seville is a masterpiece of damning with faint praise and/or praising with faint damns.
“Unique styling” … “It is different”
Lol
https://youtu.be/fTVaLcJND9Y
Gack, 135 HP 🙁
Shocking that a Seville was $23,000 to start in 1982. That’s over $75,000 in 2025 money. And then to have that fit and finish and a 0-60 of 10.6 seconds. Oof.
Chainsaw in a washing machine?
Is that anything like transmission parts in a dishwasher
Or is DT as unique as we expect?
Goes down slick as spaghetti in the shower.
“It’s a well balanced car”
It’s crap but gets the work done.
Do people not like the sound of an NA V6?
That was my thought. I like a lot of NA V6s. The VQ is the only one that I can think of that I really dislike.
Driven a few VQ’s, they are a bit coarse.
Yeah. And it doesn’t help when every Z has a terrible, cheap exhaust so your neighbors across town get woken up when you start it.
The Murano is bad, I’ll take my old MDX just because the Honda 60 degree V6 is unobtrusive.
I have always thought the Toyota 2GR sounds pretty decent. Especially in an NA Lotus Evora!
Like a trumpet being played through a Tuba.
Only Honda/Acura V6s in my experience. Apparently the VW VR6 was really good as well.
The Autopian writers should coin a hilarious phrase that translates to “this car is so hideous, I started laughing uncontrollably upon seeing it”. It might get a good bit of use these days.
“Oddly reminiscent of the Tesla Cybertruck”.
Oddly, because this is a sedan and the photoshoot car is bright red. But yeah, it’s ugly.
Something something Rodius.
The rear is rather Rodius.
“a rump remarkably reminiscent of Rodius”
“A rear end designed by Ssangyong interns”
Nice roundup!
I used to read all the magazines in the 90s, so when I actually sold cars in the early 00s, I would say stuff like “Ease of ingress/egress” to real, human customers. Yeah.
“No. No. Sh*t no, man. I do believe you’d get your ass kicked for saying something like that.” –Lawrence
Silky smooth power – Didn’t vibrate out my dental fillings like an old Iron Duke
Notchy shifter – If you can’t find ’em, grind ’em
Back when i used to read alot of EVO and other European car rags i couldn’t understand why seemingly every single car ever made had “Hard plastic interiors” and why this was considered the worst thing imaginable.
A few more of my favorites:
“Hit the loud pedal”
“Rifle through the gears”