I found myself driving along Santa Monica Boulevard the other day and noticed a strange building sitting off the corner of La Brea. I’ve noticed it plenty of times before and always thought it was an old theater, but it also strangely looked like a metro station, even though I knew damn well there was no metro line that ran underneath it. (Our public transportation here is lacking).

“Oh, there’s a logo on it, let’s look a bit closer!” I take off my super sick Julbo brand Legacy Glacier sunglasses I got from the local REI Co-op and pull out my opera glasses that enable me to have just a bit more reach than my from-factory eyesight, and I see two words written across the Space Mountain-esque building: Tesla Diner.

No, it can’t be! Nikola himself has risen from the dead like a zombie or perhaps a homunculus and decided to get into the culinary arts in lieu of his electrical prowess?! It’s like an episode of The Bear from hell. Oh no, just kidding, it’s actually just the creation of Musk himself. Maybe I’ll stop in and take a bite?

What is it?

Okay, so full transparency, this is my third time in the shadow of the eatery established by the now ever-divisive Tesla. The first was when I drove by (which played out exactly how I described it above), the second was the next day, so that I could actually see what was up there, and now, I have actually had a bite there. On that second venture, I learned a lot.

First and foremost, I learned the security guard is a dirty liar who said there was no timeframe on when it was gonna open, so I exhaled and thought “cool, I can get to writing this article in the coming days as a preview since there’s still some time,” only to see it opened Monday, just two days after our conversation, leaving me ass out and sobbing like the kid who was picked last to play red rover on the playground.

Secondly, I learned that this was a concept announced seven years ago, followed up on in 2023 when Musk tweeted/Xeeted that the place would be “Grease meets The Jetsons with Supercharging.” The exterior definitely confirms the latter two, with a very Jetsons-like styling and 75 V4 Superchargers lining the parking lot. That lying sack of security guard believes that the diner is probably the most densely populated site of superchargers in a very long stretch, and I certainly agree on that, considering how hard it is to get large plots of land in the city.

One thing that’s certainly rad is that there’s a drive-in theater there, with two 66-foot LED “megascreens” lining the parking lot so you can watch while you charge. I think that’s cool; however, I’d be behooved to ignore that my initial scout here had some late 90s/2000s sci-fi movie on the screen that had a completely topless, bare-chested woman blasting its way into the eyes of, well, anyone on Santa Monica.

Am I advocating for puritan policies against nudity? No. But what I am curious about is how that’s legal to play to the public, considering the only way you can see that in a movie is by being 17 or older for an R-rated ticket (though I guess PG-13 movies do allow for brief nudity if it’s nonsexual) or waiting for your parents to go to bed and then turning on Cinemax at night. But what do I know?

 

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The Food

When you get there, you’ll find yourself with a line of folks who are overwhelmed with excitement going in. There was a group of cops outside as well, maybe pulling double time as security as well as getting a meal themselves, and after about 10 minutes of waiting in the line, we entered the Disney-esque vision of a futuristic diner. There were kiosks to order food, but they were staffed as if management couldn’t decide if they wanted cashiers taking orders or for it to be self serve, but I digress.

First, I ordered the breakfast tacos, and as someone who knows a good Taco when he eats one (I’m from Arizona, and I’ve been in LA a while), lemme assure you that it is one of the highest quality pieces of trash you can put in your body. I’m talking about grade A slop served over a bar counter.

I also got a burger, which was a smaller smash burger-style offering.

 

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The two tacos were served on a larger organic flour taco shell that felt empty relative to its size. The two dishes came out to $26.89, and I am being so serious when I say I’ve had several meals that are both more tasty and significantly more filling at less than half the price.

With that said, the burger was little more than the offspring of In-N-Out burger with the thinly shredded lettuce and some kinda secret Elon sauce on top, with the only twist on the Cali chain’s standard fare being the chopped grilled onions that came by default instead of asking for them. First bites felt familiar, but as it went on, I was less than impressed.

Did the burger do anything abhorrently bad? No, but to me, it was a literal nothing burger when you consider the hefty price ($13.50 should get me some fries on the side, seriously). It’s also worth noting that the final couple of bites had some pink in it, despite the staff not asking me how I wanted it prepared. Do restaurants like In-N-Out ask you how you want it cooked? Nah, but I’ve also never had a burger with an ounce of pink in a burger from one of those fast food spots, so take that as you will.

So the burger wasn’t bad, but per dollar, it wasn’t great. The tacos, on the other hand, were JUST bad the entire time. American cheese sauce in a low-quality organic tortilla, beef chorizo that felt undercooked and like they added even more grease to a notoriously greasy sausage, and an avocado crema that inspired flavorless disappointment in me.

I’m being sincere when I say I don’t have anything positive thing to say about the two food items I ate, but I will give some credit to the ambiance; it does feel a bit Jetsons. The inside is definitely a “futuristic” diner, which evokes the retro-American vibe he’s talked about in the past, and the roof does offer a good view of the massive screens with speakers playing the audio around you.

However, being in this restaurant makes it abundantly clear to me that it’s a Tesla project, where it’s disruptive and charging ahead in its own way, ignoring things that have made their competitors work for years, and finding success in the disruption. On that note, I’ve never been to a traditional restaurant that has its restrooms closed during peak lunch hours, nor have I been to one that still has half of the restaurant under construction with ladders and frantic staff everywhere, but this seems like an anomaly for Tesla, which would never launch something without it being fully complete. Maybe the restaurant will get some over-the-air-frier updates.

Despite all this, the fans were there in numbers. There was a line out front, with many wearing Tesla gear and coming to buy more; there were plenty of Tesla drivers pulling in during our wait, and so many more flowing in as I sat to write this. Do I think the Tesla fans will love it? Sure. I think that’s great. Do I recommend the burger or tacos? Not as soon as I’d recommend eating gravel (though that was only the second day it was open, so who knows if the food will improve). Do I recommend visiting the restaurant for something other than the food? Maybe, especially if you like brief nudity or the Jetsons.