Here’s What The Subheads In This Postwar Vauxhall Brochure Would Be If They Were Book Titles

I’ll be the first to admit that, even for the abysmally low standards of Cold Start, this is a pretty tortured conceit. But, for some reason, when I was looking at the subheads – I think they’re subheads?– they sort of strangely resonated in my head as titles of books. Looking back at it, I really can’t say why, but I’m almost a full paragraph into this, so may as well keep going!

Besides, the brochure itself is an interesting little snippet of a very particular moment in British automotive history, as carmakers were just getting started building civilian cars again after the war. The Vauxhalls 12 and 14 were slightly updated versions of pre-war cars that started in 1938, and were replaced in 1948 by the Vauxhall Wyvern, the company’s first really new postwar model.

There’s also a certain dowdy determination to the tone of the brochure; it notes some postwar shortages, and the overall design and palette feels sort of grim, but dammit, Vauxhall is building cars again. Here’s an example of the mention of shortages:

Leather was still in short supply, so the seats are a combination of cloth and something they call “furniture hide,” which sounds kind of like they’re out hunting wild davenports and chaise lounges in the Welsh fields, then skinning and tanning their hides after harvesting all that delicious couch meat.

Cars must have been in pretty high demand, too, based on their unwillingness to “aggravate the delivery situation.”

Okay, but let’s use the subhead UPHOLSTERY as a book title. Here’s the blurb from the hypothetical publisher, Stenchworth & Clamsplat:

Upholstery is a thrilling, erotic exploration into the furniture-fetish subculture. Following the life and exploits of Hannah Lounger, a young furniture fetishist living in exactly the right time and place (High Point, NC in the late 1970s), we’re taken on a whirlwind adventure of sex, couch padding, hog rings, and wild, powerful emotion.

Part indictment of the furniture industry, part sympathetic portrayal of a marginalized subculture, and part adventuresome romp, Upholstery is fated to become a touchstone of a generation.

I’d read that! Let’s see what else we have!

Aside from being a really nice cutaway drawing here, that subhead is nice and evocative: SOME HALLMARKS OF ENGINEERING LEADERSHIP. That’s a memoir written by Sir Brougham Hamrubb, the head of engineering at Consolidated Elastic and the man who engineered the first pair of men’s underpants that didn’t require a complex system of straps and belts.

The book talks about his engineering journey and how he learned how to lead the team that revolutionized underpants for the free world, and gives lots of real-world advice like “Always shake hands with your dampest hand” and “When negotiating, never close your mouth fully.”

Here’s the publisher/publicists’ description of THE MOST LOGICAL DRIVING SEAT YET INVENTED…:

THE MOST LOGICAL DRIVING SEAT YET INVENTED… is a comical collection of short stories by noted humorist Bethesda Twincrabs that all revolve around the conceit of logic, applied with unwavering focus to all manner of life’s situations, especially the ones that are least likely to rely on logic. 

A number of these stories have been adapted into a one-woman off-Broadway show called Citizen Spock, where Twincrabs takes on the persona of the famous Vulcan from the Star Trek series and delights in the comedy and misadventures that come when a logic-ruled being attempts to engage with the messy illogic of human relationships.

I bet there’s money to be made with a theatrical adaptation of Star Trek intellectual properties. Someone should get on that.

Since we’ve already broached sci-fi, let’s go on to this next subhead:

This one, LUGGAGE SPACE OF THE NEW VAUXHALLS, is part of a long-running series of sci-fi adventures featuring the New Vauxhalls, an elite team of space adventurers who fight intergalactic injustice. Here’s the blurb for their latest adventure:

Out in the deep, cold, dark vastness of space lurks a special region of space, a small belt of void, a ring orbiting around a lonely gas giant in the Cytopants System. This dingus of space is under the control of the New Vauxhalls as an orbital depot to hold the organization’s cargo: Luggage Space.

Now, Onyx Pirates of the Avarice League have invaded Luggage Space and are rifling through all of the New Vauxhalls’ coolest stuff! They’re gathering highly-controlled New Vauxhall tech to build a superweapon of unimagined power! Can the New Vauxhalls stop them in time, and reclaim their stuff?

Damn, how are the New Vauxhalls going to get out of this one? I can’t wait to read it!