Look at that image up there. There’s an element to it that has always baffled me. It’s not the Cadillac Seville itself, with its bold bustle-back rear; that I’ve always respected. It’s not the use of electric lights made to look like gas lamps on the street – that’s a bit of strange nostalgic subterfuge but I guess it’s not really hurting anyone, and has its charm, I suppose. It’s not Williams-Sonoma, though I do think their letterspacing on that awning is a bit too tight and I can’t afford anything in there, most likely. It’s not the woman’s bangs, which I think are fantastic. It’s not even the garish wire wheelcovers, which at least can be used to grate cheese in a pinch. No, it’s something far worse.
It’s the roof.
Specifically, that roof that is not just a vinyl roof, but is what Cadillac called a “full cabriolet roof,” and is sometimes called other things like a “carriage roof” or “landau top” (even though I think this one is wrong, because there are not necessarily any actual landau bars present) or simply “fake convertible top.”
They’re terrible, but you could get them as a factory option from Cadillac back in the ’80s and well beyond that:
According to Cadillac’s copywriters, this was an “added look of distinction,” I suppose the distinction being that you were a person with the sort of taste that would make the most common greeting you get at any social gathering be “the fuck are you wearing?”
It wasn’t just Cadillac, of course. All the major American luxury car makers dipped deeply into this tepid, gelatinous cask of faux-class. Look, here’s one from Lincoln:
Let’s clarify the key traits of a fake convertible top over just a vinyl roof. The crucial part here, like in so many things in life, is intent: a vinyl top is what it is, and the only subterfuge most vinyl tops harbor is that they’re likely hiding a lot of rust and sloppy factory bodywork on the roof itself. But a fake convertible top’s goal is to deceive: it wants to look as though it is an actual, foldable convertible roof, even though it isn’t. As a result of this deceptive nature, we can see traits like these:
The fake ribs are likely the most common and essential defining trait; this is the basic essence of what separates the fake convertible top from the vinyl top, the pantomime of an underlying structure of convertible top ribs that don’t actually exist. The line of useless snaps around the base is an extra, advanced option, suggesting the attachment points of a convertible top boot that only exists in the fevered imagination of some likely long-dead designer.
An embroidered (or sometimes silkscreened) logo helps to draw attention to the fact that the roof is fabric (covered), and it’s worth noting that fabric is a more convertible-appropriate canvas-type material instead of vinyl.
Finally, we have the most obvious tell that this is all a ruse: the door cuts. These are likely the biggest slap in the face of all of this, the way the whole illusion of the convertible is brutally shattered by seeing the very clear cutlines for the doors that go right into the allegedly fabric roof. And that’s already if somehow you were able to ignore the fact that a huge four-door car like this is a pretty unlikely convertible in the first place.
What was the appeal of these tops? They mostly died out in the ’90s- early 2000s, but not entirely. It’s still possible to see a modern, aerodynamic car with one of these tops and it looks absolutely preposterous.
Were people just wanting to feel like they had a convertible, but without the option of being able to do the one thing with the car that makes it fun, taking down the top? Is this feeding some kind of denial or frustration fetish? A sort of automotive retelling of the myth of Tantalus, condemned to always offer the temptation of taking down the top, but never able to actually realize it.
It’s cruel.
Unrelated, but from this same brochure, is this wonderful illustration of the Seville’s remarkable four speaker sound system:
It’s so wonderfully laser-y in there, with those sound beams bouncing all over the place! It looks like the rear speakers bounce sound off the rear window, which then bounces off the windshield, where it then saturates the driver? Am I reading that right?
Also, those two little slots in each of the rear speaker units look exactly like USB-A ports, making this feel strangely prescient.
An old lady in my neighborhood has one of these on her late model Taurus. It looks as stupid as it sounds.
The ones I’ve seen recently (I’ve seen a Taurus, many Buicks, of course Cadillacs but none that were newer) haven’t had the features to make them look like a fake convertible top. They mostly say to me “My ’99 Deville had one of these and I want my new car to have one” – the new car being whatever Betty and Marjorie are taking to bingo this week.
Every once in a while I see a later model car with an aftermarket vinyl roof. Off the top of my head, I’ve seen multiple Grand Marquis, as well as at least one newer Camry and an Avalon. They usually look poorly installed and are often moldy looking.
They made ’67 Camaros with these. Which is even more weird. It also guarantees where the car will rust out first.
I’ve seen late-model Altimas and ESs on Craigslist with this “treatment”. It still makes me wanna puke.
I think there are dealers in south Florida that still offer these roofs on new cars as a locally installed abomination – er, option.
Abominoption?
This sounds like a late 80s band that relied heavily on synthesizers
And they clash horrendously on most post-millennium car styling. They’ve largely died out up here in NY despite the snowbirds, but most memorably egregious I’ve seen was a 5th gen Taurus; metallic tan/light gold with an emerald green laundau that fit like a bad toupee.
Cadillac was specifically styling roofs in a way to discourage these tops on the CTS, DTS, and ATS, but dealers found ways to do it regardless
Chrysler was the first to develop a roof to “defy the application of vinyl” with the LH cars, the New Yorker/LHS in particular.
Yeah, and people still stuck them on there, I know I’ve seen it
The aftermarket always finds a way to pad dealer’s profit margins.
They absolutely do in SW FL too. You haven’t seen ugly until you have seen a recent Camry with one.
These were sold to people with enough money to easily afford one, and are also easily suggestable. Aka, offer them an option with a logical reason behind it and they are sold. I know this, because I fall into this category of person, unfortunately. This is an option I would not take, though. Any form of “roof fabric” I’ll pass on, including an actual convertible (but I’m leaning towards a Miata at some point, which would be my one exception).
If you don’t mind used, get a PRHT. 🙂 I guess the RF is also an option, and least until the next generation comes out.
I don’t get vinyl roofs period, certainly not these abominations…
Now we just need the Haters Guide to the 1982 Williams-Sonoma Christmas Catalogue
I’ll take this fake roof over a gray car any day.
that’s fair
I’m sure he meant to say “I’ll take a gray car over this fake roof any day”
“I’ll take this gray roof over a fake car any day”
nope. I said what I meant.
I had two early ’80s Cadillac Eldorados in high school, one of which was equipped with the rare factory option of NOT having a vinyl roof. It was incredible how much better this car looked without it. To me, opting for a vinyl roof is like buying a new Porsche 911 and using the paint to sample option to make it UPS brown (which apparently you can do, although they call it Sepiabrown). It is hard to imagine buying a nice car and paying a premium to make worse. At least the vinyl top was relatively easy to remove, though.
Re: 911 and stupid color, I once saw a 911 Turbo convertible in a parking lot painted matte black. After parking next to it, got out of my car, then walking by said to the guy in the driver’s seat “No money left for the clearcoat, eh?”
He looked like he wanted to murder me right there.
That is hilarious; I would have loved to have seen the guy’s facial expression.
At least he can brag about how his car is 1 of 1 with his particular set of options, I guess?
Only Corvette guys get that honor.
Flawless victory
Absolute mic drop for that one!
I DO NOT get the whole “frozen” colors thing. It does indeed just look like they forgot to clear coat the thing.
These things were also hated by the monkeys and dog-faced apes at Six Flags Safari.
Back when these roofs were common, the simians would indeed swarm the car and tear the roof off.
The baboons at Safari Africaine (sp?) ripped the trailing-edge chrome trim off our hood while going after the seeds in our wiper well. Damn dirty apes!
It’s a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!!!
Sigourney Weaver in Galaxy Quest as Gwen DeMarco: [after going through the chompers]” Whoever wrote this episode should die!”
“What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn’t have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?”
This article is the whitest take of all time. 🙂
My grandma’s ’90 Buick Park Avenue had one and it held up really well for almost 20 years, a lot better than the paint on the hood and trunk. We used to joke it was like a half-assed car cover that you never removed.
Forty years from now a similar article will be written by a baby Torch questioning the appeal of plastic cladding, front fascias with gaping mouths and SUV coupes.
No need to wait 40 years, we can write that article now for all the terrible design decisions that are happening.
The pillarless hardtops that became popular in the 50s and especially in the 60s were also a result of people wanting the convertible look without the baggage of having an actual convertible roof. Vinyl/landau roofs were a progression of that.
I also figured the vinyl roofs, specifically (the ones that don’t really copy convertible tops, with fake bows and stuff) were part of the fad for 1920s and 1930s luxury car styling cues that started to creep in in the 1960s and hit full blown popularity in the ’70s. A lot of cars of that era had wood framed bodies with tightly stretched fabric instead of sheet metal on the outside, in order to save weight. Was typically done on big, boxy limousine bodies where a bit of weight savings was important. And, of course, even steel body cars had fabric roof inserts well into the ’30s, because engineers contended that all-steel roofs would produce a loud drumming noise at higher speeds
Conversely, the less hardtop roofs looked like an actual convertible top the better. Right from the beginning they offered wider rear windows, and some of the attempts to make them look more like convertible tops are…unfortunate, to say the least.
Compare the ’63-4 Pontiac Bonneville and Catalina 2-door hardtops with the Grand Prix, or even the Bonnie/Cat 4 door hardtop and post sedans. GM used that awful faux-convertible look (with “ribs” pressed into the sheetmetal!) from ’62-4 across all divisions’ B-bodies but the otherwise ultra-crisp and clean later Pontiacs wore it particularly poorly.
Agreed; I pontificated on this before I saw your comment. Was hoping someone else would say it (with more brevity than I could provide, thank stars)
I once borrowed my friend’s LeBaron in high school to visit my GF. It had what appeared to be a convertible top in a vehicle that was definitely sold as a convertible.
It was not a convertible. I drove the thing once and it has annoyed me for decades.
The roof on the Seville looks more like a boat cover than a convertible top – Judge Smails and the other boys at the yacht club would 100% approve.
“I bet if you get that top, it comes with a free bowl of soup….oh, looks good on you though.”
My dad had this Seville in silver, with the vinyl top of course! And in a wonderful not to everything this car was, he added a fake rear spare tire on the back, which wasn’t a factory option but was a popular add-on!
The tire was “enclosed” so it was just plastic and the wire hubcap protruding.
He next car after the Seville was….the Allante!
“The fake ribs are likely the most common and essential defining trait…”
The ribs in the roof are for her pleasure.
These roofs are almost always bad, but the bustle back Seville is even worse. The car’s design is trying to emulate a very specific style of coachbuilt bodies, which were always closed cars. It completely clashes with the whole style of the car
One review of the car I read described it as it looked like the transporter ran over the back end of the car, and while it was at it, it should have just kept backing.
We used to call these toupée tops and figured the cars had something in common with their owners.
I suppose it;s classy to have another layer of material to prove that you can afford it? Sure there’s metal under there, but I want more. Similar to the soft touches of door trim and IP that prove the car is fancier than a base model Kia.
When the fabric wore out and started flapping in breeze on the highway they fell out of favor.
While I hate Landau (and related) roofs, I do like a good two-tone roof. Just paint (or wrap) the roof in black or white and you’ve got a sharp looking automobile. At least, for most cars. I also miss two-tone pickup trucks.
This Seville does look better, maybe still not great, but better, with the factory two-tone paint that accentuates the body lines in the back
The Mark V pictured in the article looks great in two-tone, and all they had to do was just paint the roof instead of putting a stupid Landau on it.
Fake convertible tops are THE most hateful appearance option EVER. Worse than fake vents. Worse than fake scoops. Worse even than fake Continental kits with their fakety-fake-fake spare tires!
Why? Because they give the ILLUSION of a joy that will never be realized. Hope dangled in front of you only to be yanked away by the cold reality of a solid metal roof.
I hate these fake tops with every fiber of my existence. I want to take a Sawzall to every one I see.
I have a sawzall. When do we get started?
At midnight… WE RIDE!!!
The 80s were an ugly time.
not to mention everywhere and everything smelled like cigarettes
I’m so thankful my kids will never experience the smell of omnipresent cigarettes. I used to come home from the club back in the day and just be absolutely saturated with it. The washing machine water would be an unhealthy yellow when it drained and my hair would smell for days. Vaping isn’t great but i’ll take it over cigs any day of the week.
I was able to smoke in diners, a casino and hotel room before it was finally banned, and it was fucking gross.
I still miss it as an excuse to stand outside and talk to people, but sitting indoors with a lit cigarette made me feel like human garbage.