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I have to say, my mental model of this article before I read it was DT fighting toot and nail to publish a story about an equinox-to-equinox (Chevy, or not) fit or turgid turd torrents. Something in the vein of Will It Baby, basically.
More seriously, Torch, I appreciate both the changes you illustrated and the invisible touch (Genesis [Hyundai, or not], or not) you apply before you and the team push your newsletters into the electropneumatic tubules we have plumbed into our brains.
> toot and nail
Well done
Toot and Fail?
Just keep it flowing, guys.
Well ain’t that some shit!
I would expect nothing less, Torch. Thank you.
Please carry on.
Reading these comments make me feel like theres a lot of ice cream loving lactose intolerant folks here.
Soooo many good COTD options below. Mercedes, A.Barth (twice!), AssMatt… The comments are giving Jason a run for his money with this one.
Thank you for taking on such a shitty project, Jason. I know it had you running to the keyboard. The quickness of your post was truly explosive on this back end project. the paper work involved after the fact is going to be immense.
That highlighted jalop is getting me. Surely something could be done about that…
Totally with Torch on this one. Sorry DT. This place has a look and I believe that’s important.
It’s my site, so of course I want it to look good! It’s just a fine balance, and one that does need to be optimized. Doing so involves tension. Just like the tension between designers and cooling system engineers.
In the car world, designers often win, and I’ve always said I’m for that; it leads to innovation on the engineering side. In this world of auto journalism, designers winning all the time would not go well. You’d end up with… I dunno, an even less-frequent, fluffier Petrolicious or something.
Anyway, our process works; having a designer and an engineer cofound a publication was, in so many ways, ideal.
I got your back. I read every article, I understand about 80% but to be honest the funnest ones which generate the best comments are the ones where they are not perfect. Of course you can’t force or intentionally create these so Wabi Sabi.
I got your back too! I got that member tag after all. Now, I don’t care if you aren’t cranking out a ton of stories. But the algorithm does I’ve heard. I don’t envy you walking that line between content and quality.
> In this world of auto journalism, designers winning all the time would not go well. You’d end up with
I was going to say “2025 Jalopnik,” but that’s not even true–the ads are clearly there in spite of the designers.
The lack of notes from the editor in this story is telling.
A promise worth keeping. Thanks, Torch.
Torch, I for one am deeply offended that you could possibly think that the discerning and mature readers of this site would EVER be distracted from an in-depth article on Dieselgate by poop humor. Thanks, however, for posting this now so we can all, ummm, get it out of our system.
I thought you were referring to the content of David’s son’s diapers.
Surely I’m not the only one who can draw a direct line from an article about shit and an article about VW?
TL;DR
I assume you’re talking about more DT “I have too many shitty vehicles I’m irrationally holding onto, what should I keep / sell?” content.
Based on my assumption, thank you.
Folks tend to love those, but if you don’t, that’s OK, because I somehow managed to write the world’s most thorough engineering deep-dive on the Mustang GTD into my schedule. (I wish I could write more feature-y stuff like this, but alas. Duty calls!).
Haha you wrote duty (dootie) not even sure how to spell it. I often use this joke in job interviews. And yes I often get job offers. Lol
Every population will contain a certain percentage of masochists.
Truly elevating the written word into pure art
Someone get this man a Pulitzer….no…. a Nobel Prize!
You mean Poolitzer Prize.
Poopitzer spell check is a bitch.
I’m not convinced an explanation would improve the situation.
Wants to be very prepared for that colonoscopy.
Double thanks for also removing the “DeeperDive” queries below the top image. It makes me think of the “Would You Rather” posts… Would I endure half a year of mysterious mudbutt if it meant never seeing political rage-bait pop-ups for the rest of my life? Hmm.
Also, those articles were fun and I miss them.
When you’re driving in your Jeep and your undies start to seep…
Come on, let’s get a thread going with the childhood diarrhea song!
When you’re wrenching on your nash but your rear has a rusty rash…
That’s amoreeee
Driving in my car
I really need to sit
But thought I had to fart
But it turned out I had shit.
My pants provide a cover
So my seats aren’t stained
But I really need to hover
I am in pain my legs are so strained
When you’re driving a go-kart and oh no that’s not a fart…
When you’re doing bodywork and your rear end goes berserk…
When you drive past the rest stop and you hear a mighty plop…
When you get in the left lane and it stinks just like a drain…
When driving in your Chevy and pants get awful heavy
When you’re wrenching on your Fiat and your butt is blasting shi-at
When you’re sitting in your coupé but your pants are full of poop
When you’re dragging down the strip but your trousers start to drip
When you’re goin’ really fast and your butthole starts to blast
Mentally I read this as “but your pants are full of poo-pay.”
When you’re adjusting your toupee and suddenly have to poo-pay…
Pooetry.
When your trousers start to seep into your perforated seats…
When you’re cruisin’ in your ‘Vette but your pants are gettin’ wet…
When you’re driving your i3, think you only need to pee…
This does raise the question if the moisture from a shart can seep down to the battery and what kind of shit storm can occur
When you’re driving in your Sprite and you suddenly have to shite…
When you’re cranking in your Scamp and suddenly get a cramp…
When you’re lying in your bunk and suddenly feel the clunk
When you’re driving around town and your diesel wagon’s brown
When you’re shopping for a part and you rip a big wet shart
When you’re drivin’ your Dart but that wasn’t a fart…
You were going to pass – so what’s wrong with your ass?
When you shift into third, but Oh No! That’s a Turd!
You were having a blast but that’s all in the past.
It’s a case of the shits! Better pull into Sheetz!
So you’re starting to brake but your seat’s a mud lake…
You get out of the car – Oh the restrooms are far!
Oh the laughs and the jeers as it spills out your rears…
Someone get a hose while we all pinch our nose…
Oh my and good griefs, it’s time for new briefs!
Off the porcelain podium – Don’t forget the Imodium!
If you don’t want to diaper you must eat more fiber!
This line is the final…
…Is that shit on my vinyl?
When you’re driving in your SAAB, sitting on a log
When you’re buying a Dart and you think you gotta fart
Riding in a Crown and the seats are turning brown
Looking for an A3 40 and you’re feeling kind of squorty
Your F1 team is Haas and you think it’s just some gas
LOL, checked in here and I have 14 unread replies, all about diarrhea.
I’ve been on the internet a looong time and this may still be a new low.
What an appropriate tales from the slack just before National Taco Day next week.
Okay am I the only one that is wondering what causes 6 months of explosive diarrhea? At what point does regular diarrhea become explosive? Did someone come up with 6 definition and a test to diagnose explosive diarrhea? Did anyone contact Med whatever and try to sell them and ad? I think you should have allowed DT to make his case here or agree with you.
However is you argument the asthetics of the screenshot or the fact it is more attention grabbing?
And again what causes 6 months of explosive diarrhea? This is more important than diesel gate.
I think priorities need to be discussed.
being pedantic here, but it said unexplained diarrhea, not explosive… Doesn’t make me any less curious though about What DOES cause 6 months of diarrhea? Temu ozempic?
These days all prescription drugs seem to cause a potentially fatal infection of the perineum. But nothing about 6 months of diarrhea.
Yeah. I didn’t see any references to explosive diarrhea, either, but I think of that as the opposite of projectile vomiting.
Explosive diarrhea is obvious when it happens.
When I was a teenager, my younger sisters were sort of friends with a girl across the street. One day, she was over and ran out of our house, pounding the floor on her way past my room. I didn’t think much of it until I went to take a leak a few minutes later and found bits of shit like ass grenade shrapnel blown all over the inside of the toilet lid, the seat, the bowl, and probably a bit on the floor, and I immediately called everyone’s attention to this situation. After the hazmat problem was secured, we wondered exactly how she managed the spray pattern that was displayed. If Dexter had been on back then, we might have been imagining strings to pinpoint the location of the source at the time. I’m sure it was explosive diarrhea, but how was she moving at the time? The angle and apparent velocity of the upper chunks that reached the very top of the lid had me wonder if she was the accidental true inventor of what would be known as twerking in that it almost looked like her ass blew up prematurely, not simply while attempting to sit, but that there could have been an upward motion at point of detonation. It’s more likely that she was attempting to sit while bent over at an odd angle, perhaps doubled over by cramps, but that’s not as funny to demonstrate.
Otherwise known as spray-painting the bowl.
When I worked at a restaurant, I was once tasked with cleaning the womens’ room. Some unfortunate soul’s colon had detonated its highly-pressurized contents in the first stall, and it not only Jackson Pollock’d the toilet bowl and seat, but the floor, the three sides of the stall wall and cubicle door in a sort of ring shape from underneath the toilet seat even partially coating the toilet paper dispenser, thoroughly saturated the flush mechanism and the back of the wall leaving a trail of decreasing splatter intensity as you increased height, plus a few bits of brown fecal splatter somehow got on the ceiling.
I developed a new-found respect for the capabilities of the human colon to build pressure that day.
It took like 30 minutes to clean. I was paid minimum wage.
100% agreed. Too many loose threads. So to speak.
Explosive diarrhea is when its accompanied by gas that causes it to shoot out under pressure and splatter around, instead of just pouring out like a waterfall
David’s living conditions before the move to California, probably.
This explains some of the poor editing and inaccuracies which drives me bonkers here. What surprises me that it’s coming from an engineer.
We notice this stuff.
The headstrong use of “forego” instead of “forgo” makes me weep like a 1983 Chrysler oil drain nut.
I literally read grammar books for fun (I sent an issue of Strunk & White to all members of the team). Now and again something will sneak by, and I’ll get made fun of for it, and that’s fine! I’m EIC; I should know all! But grammar is my jam!
Worst one I ever made was when I was a college intern, and I wrote “By enlarge.” YIKES!
“By enlarge” is amazing.
I sadly do not edit day-to-day stories anymore, but regardless, it’s all on me as the Editor-In-Chief.
Inaccuracies are unacceptable, and if you see any, email them directly to me. I have set the highest editorial standards anywhere in this business, and anyone who comes here to work will echo that. This is how I was able to lead this site to grow as large as Road & Track in 2 years and as large as The Drive in 3 years. And it’s also how I became the most-read writer at Jalopnik during its peak. It’s setting high standards, and building a great team (and we have an incredible team here). The style guide that I wrote before starting this company is long and detailed, and my “Double-E” rule guides everything we do.
Obviously, having a kid and focusing on an eBay project have taken some time away from me, but I do agree there are some QC issues to work on, and I’m on it! We’re on it!
David, I love you, truly, but Jason is right and I’m willing to pay all y’all to take the time and get it right. Thank you for not subjecting us to the original version of that screenshot.
Seriously, your concerns about trying to get things right is one of the big reasons to support this site. All of you on the staff genuinely care about the quality of what you’re putting out there unlike the general slop that passes for media these days. That’s also why our readership bothers to point out errors in your articles; you’ll actually do something about it to make the product better.
Jason only told half of the story. But he told it well and it’s funny.
Really hoping for an eventual telling of the other half of this tail. A Rebuttal if you will. This feels somewhat half assed now that you’ve mentioned it. We deserve the hole truth.
Sorry about the run-on stream of consciousness.
Why would he argue? You are the number two expert at the Autopian.
Based on your username, are you also the number two expert at the Autopian?
He’s the runner-up.
Number 1 in the number 2 business!
So the question is: how did David’s algo cough up this banner ad? Surely not just from looking up baby stuff plus maybe AI being able to connect him back to shower spaghetti?
Or, here’s my Grand Unifying Theory – after buying the last new i3 and today’s expen$$$ive Shitbox Showdown Jeep, Elise really did send him to live in his cars in the Galpin lot, and with those bills even with an affiliate discount he can’t afford to eat at the Horseless Carriage that much so he’s been hitting that Taco Bell on Orion just off Roscoe pretty hard lately…
Everyone knows that the Del Taco at Roscoe and Woodman is better.
Now may not be the time to go with your GUT.
This was the question I scrolled to see asked.