People love to hate on performance SUVs, and it’s easy to see why. They’re inherently compromised vehicles that, to hardcore enthusiasts, make absolutely no sense. If you’re going to buy a performance car, why would you want something as big, heavy, and vague as an SUV?
Yet, the performance SUV market has blossomed over the past decade. BMW’s flagship M car, the XM, is an SUV. Lamborghini’s best seller, the Urus, is an SUV. Even McLaren, a company that once swore it would never build an SUV, is now planning to build an SUV. Buyers just can’t get enough of the things.
Not one to overlook an opportunity to capitalize on the segment, Nissan now has a performance SUV of its own: The Armada Nismo. It’s a giant mass of a thing that looks like one of those high-quality renderings a car magazine would order from a rendering artist, knowing the manufacturer would never actually make it. There are huge 22-inch wheels, a giant blacked-out grille, and red accents everywhere.
Yet, it’s here, and I’m going to be driving one for an entire week, including a spirited weekend with some friends driving “real” sports cars. What do you want to know?
Here’s The Plan
This weekend, a couple of friends and I will be embarking on a series of spirited backroad drives in eastern Pennsylvania/upstate New York area, because we all love to drive cars. My friends will be bringing a 2010 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S and a 2016 BMW M2—vehicles I consider to be real, actual sports cars. Meanwhile, I will be showing up with an eight-seat SUV that weighs over three tons.
My goal, in addition to making everyone question my sanity, is to find out just how Nismoized this Armada really is. Will it have the speed, handling, and braking performance to keep up with some actual enthusiast cars in the twisties? I’m not expecting blistering speeds, since it’s extremely cold outside right now, but I think this’ll still be a fun test.
To its credit, the Armada Nismo is more than just a flashy body kit. Mounted on those 22s is a set of all-seasons, but they use higher-performance rubber, according to Nissan. There’s also 35 more horsepower from the Armada’s 3.5-liter twin-turbo V6, for a new total of 460 horses. Further changes include adjustments to the power steering and a retuned air suspension.
I also plan to use the Armada Nismo for a lot of plain, normal driving while I have it. My girlfriend and I are using it to drive to Chicago and back for the week of Christmas (the same drive we did a month ago in my Range Rover). This means I’ll find out if the Armada’s Nismo-ization is a detriment to its duties as a normal, three-row SUV, or if it can truly be the best of both worlds (relatively, anyway).
During these drives, I’ll have a bunch of time to suss out every inch of this car. So please, tell me what you want to know about it, and I’ll be sure to get you an answer in my upcoming review.
Top graphic images: Nissan; Porsche; BMW
“It’s a giant mass of a thing that looks like one of those high-quality renderings a car magazine would order from a rendering artist, knowing the manufacturer would never actually make it”
That gives me an idea: tell The Bishop to draw every horrible combination of gaping grilles and weird headlights on the faces of the most janky and overweight SUVs. This way we’ll be able to call dibs on every ugly design and purge this kind of eyesore out of the streets.
On public roads, yes the moving building (a.k.a.Armada) will keep up.
Of course you’ll be at 80-90% of capability, and the Porsche will be at 25%, so there’s that.
Given any kind of twisty road, I doubt the Armada could keep up. I live in an area with amazing driving roads, and no three-ton SUV could keep up with an actual sports car on them. In some cases, even at legal speeds. Given enough tight corners, any road’s speed limit is effectively imposed by physics.
I think something might be up with the exterior images. I’m expecting to see a vehicle, but the pictures are clearly of a small building with a Nissan badge on.
It’s probably more competent than I think, but wow is it ugly. I’m at an age where I get uncomfortable going around corners at even half a G. So, maybe 10 mph over the recommended speed on the signs is about it, these days. I used to go around corners like that with the tires squealing when I was in my twenties and felt indestructible. Somehow, I survived to get old and cautious.
My now ex-wife had a BMW X5 Sdrive with the M package while we were dating and for a while after we got married. Also, this was after her previous ex-husband buried his foot in the wrong pedal and maybe ruined it for life running into a brick pillar. Also ruining the pillar.
Anyway, it just wasn’t a great car in any way. Yes, it went around corners and accelerated decently for something its size, but its ride was pretty abusive, and the effing run flat tires were such a pain. Even when they didn’t pick up a non-repairable puncture, they only lasted about 10,000 miles. I have about 31,000 miles on a set of Discount Tire Contis on my Honda and they are still great through standing water.
She didn’t have any issues with doing 100+ on Farm to Market roads and freeways in Texas. I did.
I miss the person I was fifteen seconds ago, blissfully unaware that this thing exists
Can you slide the back end out without rolling the thing?
This truck is both stupid and fun. I can’t stand the gaudy red accents up front, though. Like, you’d have to get one in red to hide that damn nonsense.
Anyway: Go fast, don’t die.
Good lord that thing is ungainly.. I can’t imagine this will sell remotely well in the crowded space of fast-super-cruiser-luxury-land-yachtsuv’s. Nissan deserves all of the criticism they get when they green-light crap like this.
Does it cross the line from being absolutely unironically hideous, to being so ungainly and inappropriate that it becomes sorta funny?