People love to hate on performance SUVs, and it’s easy to see why. They’re inherently compromised vehicles that, to hardcore enthusiasts, make absolutely no sense. If you’re going to buy a performance car, why would you want something as big, heavy, and vague as an SUV?
Yet, the performance SUV market has blossomed over the past decade. BMW’s flagship M car, the XM, is an SUV. Lamborghini’s best seller, the Urus, is an SUV. Even McLaren, a company that once swore it would never build an SUV, is now planning to build an SUV. Buyers just can’t get enough of the things.
Not one to overlook an opportunity to capitalize on the segment, Nissan now has a performance SUV of its own: The Armada Nismo. It’s a giant mass of a thing that looks like one of those high-quality renderings a car magazine would order from a rendering artist, knowing the manufacturer would never actually make it. There are huge 22-inch wheels, a giant blacked-out grille, and red accents everywhere.
Yet, it’s here, and I’m going to be driving one for an entire week, including a spirited weekend with some friends driving “real” sports cars. What do you want to know?
Here’s The Plan
This weekend, a couple of friends and I will be embarking on a series of spirited backroad drives in eastern Pennsylvania/upstate New York area, because we all love to drive cars. My friends will be bringing a 2010 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S and a 2016 BMW M2—vehicles I consider to be real, actual sports cars. Meanwhile, I will be showing up with an eight-seat SUV that weighs over three tons.
My goal, in addition to making everyone question my sanity, is to find out just how Nismoized this Armada really is. Will it have the speed, handling, and braking performance to keep up with some actual enthusiast cars in the twisties? I’m not expecting blistering speeds, since it’s extremely cold outside right now, but I think this’ll still be a fun test.
To its credit, the Armada Nismo is more than just a flashy body kit. Mounted on those 22s is a set of all-seasons, but they use higher-performance rubber, according to Nissan. There’s also 35 more horsepower from the Armada’s 3.5-liter twin-turbo V6, for a new total of 460 horses. Further changes include adjustments to the power steering and a retuned air suspension.
I also plan to use the Armada Nismo for a lot of plain, normal driving while I have it. My girlfriend and I are using it to drive to Chicago and back for the week of Christmas (the same drive we did a month ago in my Range Rover). This means I’ll find out if the Armada’s Nismo-ization is a detriment to its duties as a normal, three-row SUV, or if it can truly be the best of both worlds (relatively, anyway).
During these drives, I’ll have a bunch of time to suss out every inch of this car. So please, tell me what you want to know about it, and I’ll be sure to get you an answer in my upcoming review.
Top graphic images: Nissan; Porsche; BMW
I don’t care how it measures up against the sports cars on the twisties. What I really want to know is: what’s the sportiest car that still rides better than this thing? Does it ride worse than the Carrera 4? How about an M5? Maybe a GR86? Or perhaps a Miata?
I also want to know how loading it with 8 adult-sized dummies affects handling (you can use 8 living adults to represent the dummies if it’s cheaper).
Lastly, I want to know how much space is wasted in the nose of this car. How many hectares of grille does it have per square inch of radiator? How many leagues under the hood do you have to sink before you reach the top of the engine? Can you sit inside the engine bay to service it?
What do I want to know?
Do you have life insurance?
This thing is so stupid on so many levels that I want to know all the stats.
But most of all what is the fuel mileage while hooning? My money’s on single digit mileage.
Will taking those “spirited” corners result in a rollover?
That thing looks like someone’s idea of a performance school bus.
I specifically want to know: Who cares? Is this specifically for Dubai or what?
Going after those Durango Trakhawk owners, maybe? All 10 of ’em?
I kind of like the idea of an otherwise fairly boring family hauler that won’t completely suck all of the joy out of life if you find yourself on a decent road.
I drove a Lexus 700h Overtrail all over the mountains around Napa valley, and had an amazingly good drive. I also drove the F-sport and while it was better, I wouldn’t say it was better enough for me to loose out on the versatility of the Overtrail. Trying to make a big off-road wagon dance is like trying to get a track car to really send it off-road.
What’s the max lateral G and how fast in the solum?
Bunch of friggin grinches in the comments here. I think this thing is hilarious and I applaud Nissan for making it. Not all cars need to make sense or be precision engineered backroad scalpels. And I get that everyone wants to shit on performance SUVs constantly but talk to me again when you have kids. Seriously, try to get a car seat in your beloved Toyobaru or whatever and tell me about how you’re feeling after you haul a 30+ pound toddler in and out of it for the daycare or school run for a week.
Bingo. These are modern muscle cars. No one talks about the lateral grip or lap times of a 73 Chevelle; they were big, loud and fast in a straight line.
That’s exactly what these high-po family haulers are
The Trailblazer SS literally was this
It was too good for this world
Sure, but you don’t need something this big just for kid duty. I handled my two kids through their entire car-seat existences in BMW 3ers and Nissan Maximas. Perfectly doable and the cars were a hell of a lot more fun than this “performance SUV” will ever be when I wasn’t hauling kids. This thing is just being gigantic for the sake of gigantic. I guess I get the hilarity to some degree, but not when I’m stuck behind one and can’t see around or over it or when one of these is taking up one-and-a-half parking spots in a crowded lot.
I daily drive with 2 kids in my M2 and wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s definitely easier now that they are both front facing, but I still loved it when my little one was rear facing. He has a rotating car seat that makes it a lot easier. I’m in the market for a newish truck or SUV that can tow and I still plan to daily drive my M2 with the boys. The other day I had my 4 year old and his best friend in the car and she LOVED it. Kids in sports cars experience so much joy I’ve never regretted it a day. My friend also put his kids in his BRZ without issue… Where there’s a will there’s a way.
I do not mean this as any sleight to you amigo, but I’ve never actually seen anyone pull these sorts of feats off in real life. I read about people using impractical cars as family cars on blogs all the time, but when I try to find ways to convince my wife it can actually work without compromises I hit dead ends over and over again with the numbers…
Find me on Instagram and I’ll send you pictures. I have tons, I just don’t post my kids faces online. Same username as here, hatebobbarker.
Look, as a car-enthusiast dad I totally appreciate the sentiment here, but this particular “performance SUV” looks like a sackful of hammered assholes. The regular version of this truck isn’t exactly a looker, but whatever they were trying to do here to make this turd look racy ain’t it.
Poor Nissan.
Clear the snow from a go-kart track and have time trials.
To quote Arnie in Predator, “You’re one ugly motherf**ker”.
It almost makes some of the modern BMW’s look good. Ghastly.
That interior is pretty. I like that red on black. I’m sad its not somehow the crazy xB looking Infiniti though.
Does it cause physical pain in your eyeballs when viewed in person?
Is it less fugly if it’s [safely] crashed into a wall?
What would it take to cram the powertrain into a Sentra or Kicks?
Mostly interested in things like interior quality – like if you think it’ll all be falling apart in the 5-7 years down the road when I could theoretically afford to buy one used.
Truly one of the weaknesses of Nissan the last 15 years at least. The interior plastics just dissolving with age. There are parts in 1st gen Armadas that are harder to find than interior parts for my S13.
It’s why I just can’t ever see myself buying a modern Z car. Nissan’s interiors are up there with Chrysler at its worst.
I mean as much fun as it is to hustle a massive rig through some backroads, I’m willing to take a guess that this will either experience limp home mode or the brakes will be on fire at least once on the drive
Does it have a CVT?
We need our resident Jatco enthusiast to chime in.
IIRC Nissan’s website said a 9-speed transmission.
Yeah it’s the licensed built Mercedes designed 9-speed, same as in the Frontier and Z
Seats 8, eh?
I would LOVE to see this thing on a track with every seat occupied by an adult in a full racing suit and helmet.
If you could get a video of a fully loaded Nismo Armada just going HAM at, say, Watkins Glen, while in pursuit of the 911 would probably keep me (and many others) subscribed for YEARS.
Shame Nissan never offered 3.5L twin turbo six in Titan. I believe in 2nd chances. Titan deserved 2 years with this engine.
Drop that engine into the Frontier. Or the last generation of Xterra.
Should be an easy fit since it’s all based on the VQ anyway.
You must have drawn the shortest straw ever drawn.
If you’ve never been the kid that got picked last in gym class, this is what it feels like.
Will Brian unseat Mercedes by leaving a whole Armada in a ditch instead of just a keyfob? STAY TUNED!
Not a thing. Don’t even bother to write about it, because I could not possibly even begin to ever care less than I actually do. There aren’t negative numbers big enough.
Stupidity writ large on four wheels.
This is exactly why I can’t figure out who the 911 Dakar and such are for, but I feel like a lonely voice in the wilderness on that one.
At least the SUV still has the utility of the cargo space and rear seats.
I’ve personally seen a 911 Dakar being used to its maximum potential: At a cars and coffee I went to last Spring, there was a Dakar with a roof tent, they got two parking spots so they could set it up, and the car drew a lot of attention despite being parked next to a dozen new 911s of every trim conceivable. A Sterrato pulled in later, parked next to it and they made a cute little pair, very du jour back then.
Porsche did it to prove that they could, and I think buyers bought it for the exact same reason.
The Dakar, Huracan Sterrato, etc. are vanity pieces for the Doug Demuros of the world. I don’t think anyone is under the impression that they’re somehow more practical or useful and I’d be shocked if literally any of them ever see so much as a gravel road. Hell I’ll bet most of them spend their entire lives in fancy temperature controlled glass onion style garages…
Although I did see a Dakar in the wild once with a rallying livery and it made me very happy. My wife had no idea why I was freaking out and she did not approve of how hard I drove to keep up with it and get a better look.
The Sterrato didn’t even sell that well! Which is insane but also probably something we should have seen coming if there was a market for an offroad sports car it would have trickled down to the middle class spec of cars right now for sure, because think how Subaru would kill it if they could bring the XT back as a “offroad” alternative to a Brz. The Sterrato is the equivalent to the TRD pro 4 runner with the rooftop tent, ladder and aftermarket bumpers that never leaves a mall parking lot for rich people.
Absolutely nothing. I’m good.
This is the correct answer.
I want to see the conditions that will induce a roll over. Because it is no sports car and will never corner like one.
The only way it will even corner as well as a base spec Camry is if they fit an absolutely rock-crusher suspension (color-matched kidney belts an extra-cost option) and $4K worth of super sticky tires with the half-life of Francium.
Completely and utterly pointless, yet an excellent way to separate the stupid from their money.
They’d gladly pay up, too. Even if a set of tires as like $10k and required the wheels to be shipped internationally.
One way to make its center of gravity low is to make it an EV with a massive battery in the floor, but then you’re going to run into cornering/braking problems on inclines because of all of the mass and inertia, a problem many 4,000+ lb “sports cars” have when trying(and sometimes failing) to pick on much slower Miatas in the canyons.
I never understood the appeal of these vehicles. It’s pure conspicuous consumption. People didn’t naturally want these fat, massive, overweight, resource-hungry things, but have been conditioned to want them over decades of advertising and market manipulation, only for these same companies that manipulated the consumer and twisted the market to then blame the consumer for not wanting/buying lightweight, efficient, basic vehicles.
I am so on the same page with you here we might as well be fraternal twins. I swear these things only sell because idiots just buy “the most expensive one” thinking it costs more so it has to be better. Then they complain about the ride, and how much gas it uses, and they have heart failure when it needs $$$$ tires at 12K miles.
The EV version you postulate is basically the Escalade IQ, right? Which pretty much was reviewed with the results you state.