People love to hate on performance SUVs, and it’s easy to see why. They’re inherently compromised vehicles that, to hardcore enthusiasts, make absolutely no sense. If you’re going to buy a performance car, why would you want something as big, heavy, and vague as an SUV?
Yet, the performance SUV market has blossomed over the past decade. BMW’s flagship M car, the XM, is an SUV. Lamborghini’s best seller, the Urus, is an SUV. Even McLaren, a company that once swore it would never build an SUV, is now planning to build an SUV. Buyers just can’t get enough of the things.
Not one to overlook an opportunity to capitalize on the segment, Nissan now has a performance SUV of its own: The Armada Nismo. It’s a giant mass of a thing that looks like one of those high-quality renderings a car magazine would order from a rendering artist, knowing the manufacturer would never actually make it. There are huge 22-inch wheels, a giant blacked-out grille, and red accents everywhere.
Yet, it’s here, and I’m going to be driving one for an entire week, including a spirited weekend with some friends driving “real” sports cars. What do you want to know?
Here’s The Plan
This weekend, a couple of friends and I will be embarking on a series of spirited backroad drives in eastern Pennsylvania/upstate New York area, because we all love to drive cars. My friends will be bringing a 2010 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S and a 2016 BMW M2—vehicles I consider to be real, actual sports cars. Meanwhile, I will be showing up with an eight-seat SUV that weighs over three tons.
My goal, in addition to making everyone question my sanity, is to find out just how Nismoized this Armada really is. Will it have the speed, handling, and braking performance to keep up with some actual enthusiast cars in the twisties? I’m not expecting blistering speeds, since it’s extremely cold outside right now, but I think this’ll still be a fun test.
To its credit, the Armada Nismo is more than just a flashy body kit. Mounted on those 22s is a set of all-seasons, but they use higher-performance rubber, according to Nissan. There’s also 35 more horsepower from the Armada’s 3.5-liter twin-turbo V6, for a new total of 460 horses. Further changes include adjustments to the power steering and a retuned air suspension.
I also plan to use the Armada Nismo for a lot of plain, normal driving while I have it. My girlfriend and I are using it to drive to Chicago and back for the week of Christmas (the same drive we did a month ago in my Range Rover). This means I’ll find out if the Armada’s Nismo-ization is a detriment to its duties as a normal, three-row SUV, or if it can truly be the best of both worlds (relatively, anyway).
During these drives, I’ll have a bunch of time to suss out every inch of this car. So please, tell me what you want to know about it, and I’ll be sure to get you an answer in my upcoming review.
Top graphic images: Nissan; Porsche; BMW
Does Nissan know what happened to the Armada. History class would have stopped any rational car namer but then: Nissan. Also is there an uglier car than this? It makes the Fiat Multipla look passable. This shite from the folks who brought us the 240Z.
Why did they make this instead of making a something more hardcore than the Pro4x? Like on par with a Raptor, Bronco Raptor, etc?
Can we rename it the Nissan Amanda? That seems more apt.
If you end up going through Fort Wayne for some reason, I very much recommend JK O’Donnell’s, better known as JK’s or the pub to locals. It’s on my must visit list whenever I go back home. Lengthy drink list and great food. Not open Sunday and Monday though.
This shitty Kia Soul knock off can’t be gone soon enough. Don’t tip over!
Maybe I am just getting old but are 22″ wheels really still considered huge? My mid range CX90 has 21″ wheels and they aren’t considered big.
That aside, this thing is ugly, full stop. I think that AI could come up with something better than this.
This thing exists for Saudi teens to do stunts in, and nothing more
I’d cut my son off if he used my oil money on this trash.
Cut off his what?
I would like to know how fast it can be driven into the sea and never seen again. Who is this pile made for, exactly?
I cannot express how much contempt I have for the idea of a “performance” slab-sided SUV from a trashcan company making trash cars for trash people.
Roast away.
What I want to know: whose dumbass idea was this?
We need cars to be safe and efficient, not bigger and faster.
Bigger & faster has larger margins and more sell thru than safe & efficient
It you get in front of your friends you will probably stay in front as their eyes will be seared by just looking at this bus and they will end up in a ditch.
MPG and tow rating, but not at the same time.
Brake feel.
Throttle lag?
Can it jump Springfield Gorge?
Let’s find out.
What I’d like to know is how many they expect to sell, and just how shockingly low the break-even point for such a low tooling expense/high profit margin niche model like this is.
Are you bringing his and hers helmets and Hans devices?
How do they still have an Armada but they killed the Titan? Without the VK56 Nissan is dead to me.
As an armchair quarterback, I would think ‘Merican pickups have a stronger brand loyalty. The old joke was that a guy’s dad kept buying Bucks “Why?” “Because I know how to fix a Buick!” Titan sales were never great. My resale just fell $1800 in the last month due to them being discontinued.
SUVs, on the other hand, have to go waaaaay back, like, generationally back, to get loyalty. Broncos and Blazers; that’s about it.
So, I imagine Nissan thinks they can sneak in some sales on the unsuspecting. Also, it weighs over whatever that limit is for an LLC to be able to do that depreciation thing for taxes.
Why is it so ugly?
This is the real question here. Besides being fundamentally stupid in concept, it’s just eye-wateringly hideous.
It was Mencken who reputedly said that no one ever went broke underestimating the taste or intelligence of the American people. Nissan said Hold my beer.
“This weekend”
“Mounted on those 22s is a set of all-seasons, but they use higher-performance rubber, according to Nissan”
Not looking forward to your first ditchpatch.
What size are the smallest snow-tire steelies that’ll fit over the brake calipers?
“So please, tell me what you want to know about it, “
Can it tow Mercedes Streeter’s parent’s camping trailer?
Nissan did actually make one of the best performance SUVs of all time with the Juke R, which I guess wasn’t so much a Juke as it was a Nissan GT-R in a Juke costume.
What I would like to know: who pays for repairs when someone rolls a press car?
*Opens article to hate on another performance SUV*
“People love to hate on performance SUVs, and it’s easy to see why”
I’ll see myself out
This one kind of writes itself
The only thing I want to know is how quickly will they depreciate! I will be ready to scoop one up when they are cheaper in a few years. Also, it seems like some people think the Raptors are cool, but simultaneously decry performance SUVs. Its fun to have a giant stupid engine in a car, as long as the performance stuff doesn’t make it unbearable to ride in I think it’s a winner.
I think one of the biggest factors between this and the Raptor is the Raptor looks cool. Looks are obviously subjective but there really isn’t much that’s cohesive with this. I don’t think the Armada and whatever the Infinti version is called now are particularly bad looking, but this just ruins whatever they had going for them
I can admit this is less cohesive in the execution vs the Raptor. It is slightly at odds with itself because the body kit is out of congress with a 3-ton SUV. The regular Armada or QX80 look good, I think this also looks good, but maybe a tad garish.
I want to know why its bodykit looks like it was purchased in the 90’s.
They are trying to drag the glory years back to the future.
Just make sure you start the twisty part of the road in front, Brian. Then you can bask in the frustration as your two friends find it impossible to see around this tiny home on wheels enough to make a safe pass!