The other day I was at Ruddy Glow, a new taillight bar that just opened up around here to deal with the massive growth of taillight enthusiasts, which was causing bars like Flashing Amber’s and The Crimson Lamp to be unreasonably packed, night after night, leading to lots of chaos and brawls, because you know how taillight freaks are. This new bar seems to have become a favorite of the CHMSL/third brake light sub-sub-culture, and that’s who made up most of the crowd.
Now, what made things more complicated on this night was that the space the Ruddy Glow took over was the old Indigo Shroom, the only Smurf-enthusiast bar in the state. The Smurf bar had to close because of all the stabbings – I’m sure you read about that – but word of the closing hadn’t really gotten out to all of the Smurf-fetishist community, so there was a large group of Smurfers there that night, drunk and confused and upset to find their main hangout was now under new ownership.
Really, this was a recipe for disaster, and I should have clocked it from the start. I was sitting at the bar, nursing a gin-and-20W-50, uneasily watching this disgruntled group of smurfers growing less and less gruntled and more and more drunk. Meanwhile, the CHMSL Chippies were just getting more and more rowdy. At some point something was going to make these two groups clash.
And then it happened. The CHMSLs conversation turned to a favorite topic of theirs, early and unusual adaptations of third brake lights to some iconic designs that were never intended to have third brake lights, like the Porsche 911. Remember, the law that decreed CHMLs (Center High Mounted Stop Lamp) were required was introduced in 1985, for the 1986 model year.
If you need a reminder of the importance of CHMSLs, maybe take a moment to read the “Executive Summary” section of the NHTS/DOT document, The Long-Term Effectiveness of Center High Mounted Stop Lamps in Passenger Cars and Light Trucks, the CHMSL project is described as such:
Center High Mounted Stop Lamps (CHMSL) have been standard equipment on all new passenger cars sold in the United States since model year 1986 and all new light trucks since model year 1994, as required by Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standard 108. The purpose of CHMSL is to safeguard a car or light truck from being struck in the rear by another vehicle. When brakes are applied, the CHMSL sends a conspicuous, unambiguous message to drivers of following vehicles that they must slow down. NHTSA was especially encouraged to promulgate the CHMSL regulation in 1983 by three highly successful tests of the lamps in taxicab and corporate fleets, showing 48 to 54 percent reductions of “relevant” rear-impact crashes in which the lead vehicle was braking prior to the crash, as reported by the study participants. Since nearly two-thirds of all rear impact crashes involve pre-impact braking by the lead vehicle, these results are equivalent to a 35 percent reduction of rear-impact crashes of all types.
Okay, so, the CHMSL folks were excitedly talking and sharing pictures of the first attempt by Porsche to integrate a CHMSL into the 911. This design is sort of notorious among both the CHMSL community and the Porsche community for its striking look, which is both loved and hated. Really, it’s a pretty straightforward solution:
See that? It’s just a little rectangular-ish red brake light, inset into a little stand that stands the light up from the bodywork. This had to be the quickest and cheapest acceptable solution Porsche could come up with on short notice, and while it looks pretty tacked on, it has its own certain charm about it.
A common nickname for this light unit is the snorkel, because it does resemble a snorkel, and that association is what led to one of the CHMSL geeks to note that this 911 third brake light sure reminded them of the Snorks.
Do you remember the Snorks? It’s probably unlikely. These were the Snorks:
The comparison is pretty apt, really. I mean, look:
As you may have inferred, the Snorks were a pretty direct Smurfs knockoff. It was perhaps even more direct than you may realize, because the same guy who produced the original Smurfs animated series, Freddy Monnickendam, was also the same guy who started the Snorks to compete with the Smurfs!
You see, Monnickendam helped negotiate the rights for a Smurfs cartoon between the Belgian artist who came up with the Smurfs, Peyo, and Hanna-Barbera. Peyo wanted the cartoon to remain close to the original Smurfs source material, but Monnickendam wanted something with a broader, more mainstream appeal, and they clashed over that, and over money, to the point where Monnickendam created the Snorks in 1984 just to compete with the Smurfs.
By the way did you know that Smurfs first appeared in 1958? I had no idea they were that old!
Anyway, as you may imagine, there is little more infuriating to a hardcore Smurfer than any mention of the Snorks. So, when this drunk and belligerent group of Smurf-enthusiasts heard the CHMSLs going on and on about Snorks in something even close to a favorable context, they collectively lost their shit.
Within moments the bar went from being just sort of loud and low-key boisterous to all-our chaos. The blue-and-white clad Smurfers leapt, enmasse, into the group of CHMSLs, grabbing hair and punching and kicking, teeth clamping down into unsuspecting forearms and shoulders, all flailing limbs and banshee shrieks of SMURF THE MOTHERSMURFERS UP and SMURF THEM IN THEIR SMURFING SMURFS!
It was horrific. Eventually the lesser-injured CHMSLs were able to realize what was going on and fight back, and eventually all the bar’s patrons had to help restrain and corral the livid, hysterical Smurfers until the cops finally arrived.
I had part of my earlobe bitten off by one of these loons! Luckily, I was able to replace it with a wad of the emergency Silly Putty I keep on me at all times, but still, this was unhinged, even for the usual low standards of a taillight bar.
I think there’s a lesson here: just to be safe, don’t bring up ’86 to ’89 Porsche 911s to anyone you suspect of being really into the Smurfs. Especially if they’ve been drinking.
Next article, the rarely optioned 70s GM carpet sourced from authentic Monchichi hides.
OH MAN! I forgot about the Monchichi!
For completeness’ sake: the snorkel was only found on the 911 cabriolets, the coupe and targa had the CHMSL at the top of the rear window.
Go home, Jason, you’re drunk.
Well what do you expect? He’s been hanging around in rough taillight bars all morning.
…fair.
But, to be Faire — Carnival! 😛
So my band did a song called Smurfin in the USA back in the early aughts. The lyrics were done by my long time drummer, who was a real counter culture guy from the 60’s. He had been busted waaaay back, and the song referenced a meth lab story and drug use in general in the US. Wow, never looked it up, but Kirk definitely had to be aware of the references. Wow. I wish I could ask, cancer got him
More taillight bar material, please!
“the CHMSL/third brake light sub-sub-culture”
You should really check out Three Ways sometime. Parking is a bit of a pain, you’ll probably have to find an illegal spot and leave your flashers on. But once inside, they make a real big deal about safety. Less so about consent.
Is there also a sub-sub culture for the dual brake lights integrated just above the decklid, like ’70s Toronados and Rivieras?
Just mentioning ’round these parts makes it so. I think there might be some action with this crowd over at Sequentials.
I do remember the Snorks, or rather les Snorky as they were known in French.
French-language theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8s7gikNeFM
Despite the awful picture quality, this one shows the word Snorky on the title card at the end while I remembered it as “Snorkies”
The image quality of this one is much better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvir3Xu0eHg plus it has a voice-over at the beginning that mistakenly states the year 1934 for the sinking of captain Ortega’s ship (that’s like 4 centuries too late!).
The Brazilian version of the voice-over says 1634 instead.
There was also an extended version of the french theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXzgB6II5UI
The Smurf bar had to close because of all the stabbings….
As soon as I read this I knew I was on for a real “Torch treat.”
I’m just wondering where in NC this place is……
It’s got to be one of those areas just west of where Torch lives, like Carrboro or Hillsborough, where the genteel culture of Chapel Hill is slowly spreading and coming into contact with the remaining rural roughness of the Eastern Piedmont. The combination of Smurfette-simping UNC grad students forced to commute, thrown in with rural meth entrepreneurs seeking affluent new markets is a recipe for disaster.
I was already to throw crap on Eubanks, but this is so hyper-specific that its better.
I do remember the Snorks, vaguely, and I had no idea they had anything to do with the Smurfs. This site is edu-goddamn-cational.
The thing that freaked me out about the Snorks were their eyes.
See how their eyeballs are basically fused together into one pinched oval?
The question is – are the Snork’s evolving from some unknown one-eye organism into something with two eyes, or are their two eyes slowly merging into one huge single eyeball?
See also: the original Sonic the Hedgehog art
Did I just run to the bookshelf to see what the (fictional) Smurfs knockoff in The Cowboy Wally Show was called? “The Gloots”. Did I just check if there’s any reference to it on the Internet? There isn’t any!
So, fistbump to anyone else who remembers Kyle Baker’s late-80s comics.
I’ve always thought the Snork heads looked like anthropomorphic versions of the Martian space ships in the 1953 movie “War of the Worlds”.
And with that connection made I shall never again tailgate an ’86 to ’89 Porsche 911.
Thanks… now I have the Snorks theme song stuck in my head for the rest of the day, rent-free.
I grew up in the 80s, so that song was already firmly cemented in there pretty well.
Man, I have zero recollection of them. Late Gen-X
May as well throw the Gummy Bears theme song in there while you’re at it.
The Gummi Bears theme is a banger!
I remember the Snorks, but not the theme song.
THAT I remember. Gummyyy Beaaars… bouncing here and there and everywhere…
Nooooooooooooooo
‘… down at fraggle rock’
( theme song stuck in your head? FIFY )
Given how a cat would likely deal with an infestation of Smurfs, naming the cartoon cat ‘Azrael’, the name of the ANGEL OF DEATH, is really, really dark. I like to image only the Smurfs called it that, while Gargamel just called it Mittens
With all that constant singing, I’d beg our cat to go to town too…
This… this is the kind of content you will find nowhere else on the internet.
What’s with all the Smurfin’ Taillight stories? Can I get a smurfin’ brake?!
Only on The Autopian (it’s the real name)
Ha, this past weekend I was participating in a 24 Hours of Lemons race (actually 25:01 – the longest race in America) and a car with a big pro-street style hood scoop had its lift-off hood sitting on the roof while it was in their pit space being worked on. One of my friends mentioned that it looked like a Snork, and I replied that I hadn’t thought about that name in years until he said it. Now here it is again. Really makes you think.
Torch is tuned into the entire Autopian community on some sort of communal hive mind.
It’s like one day, you’re thinking of a plate of shrimp. Then later on somebody says Shrimp Plate. Its part of the cosmic unconsciousness. I think about this kind of stuff a lot. That’s why I don’t drive, see. The more you drive the less you think.
You ever do a lot of acid in the hippy days?
(poorly remembered dialogue from Repo Man)
Fittingly there has been a Repo Man Plate ‘o Shrimp theme in Lemons already.
https://forums.24hoursoflemons.com/viewtopic.php?id=17083
Yes, it certainly felt that way. It was good finally meeting you and seeing The Homer.
Is that not the case? That’s what Lemons told us.
Great meeting you too!
Oh, I have no reason to doubt it. My only point was that I felt the effects of all 1,501 minutes of it both on the way home and at work yesterday. But hey, at least there’s a good week and a half to go before the Denver race…
Oh I see. Totally agreed. This was my first time ever being awake for 36 hours straight. It was an 8 hour drive home for me yesterday although thankfully I only had to drive a short portion of it myself. I’ve slept hard the last two nights but I’m still exhausted as I sit at my work desk.
While collecting data for my dissertation I operated a laser-induced phonon scattering apparatus for fifty continuous hours before a filament broke, ending the run. The equipment required regular attention and adjustment every twenty minutes so I couldn’t stray far from it. I was… younger… then but even so I’m glad I only had to do that once. The main problem was that every aspect of it was so finicky that nobody ever dared to stop things early for however long the system was actually working properly. Typically we felt fortunate to get eight or so hours out of it at a time which means I was, um, lucky?
I had to look up phonon. That’s some pretty esoteric stuff. What are you doing with it or whatever else you studied?
I was using it for high-pressure, high-temperature mineral physics. Now I teach geology.
Dude- the other day I mentioned the miatas flashing their headlights in Cars. The very next day, Torch wrote an article about it.
Yeah, they’ll yell about it until they’re blue in the face.
If you could breathe underwater, where would you mount your CHMSLs?
If you had friends underwater, where would they mount their CHMSLs?
I always imagined the whale-tail 911 as being an ironing board and the CHMSL was a handheld garment steamer.
Yeah, my wife and I have always shared a lot of the domestic work, why do you ask?
Haha nice one. Our bulldog is nicknamed Snork because of her breathing
For a second I thought that the NHTSA created a cartoon series where the creatures were called The CHMSLs meant to teach kids about benefits of a high center mounted stop light. The 90’s were weird enough for me to actually try and remember if it was something that I saw.
Dammit, chatgpt is blocked at work – I bet it could come up with a pretty good storyline
The CHMSLs lived a peaceful life, usually protected by a sheet of glass that allowed them to gaze upon the world as it swept past them at unimaginable speeds. Unlike their other two siblings who lived in shared housing with several other lights (including their ex-wives, half of whom were named Amber), the CHMSLs enjoyed an introverted and solitary existence that brought them immense joy. They found purpose and value in being the most useful of the brake lights, since they would never be confused with a turn signal or hazard light. Their job was indeed unique, at such a level that Maslow himself would find nothing lacking in their purpose.
Some CHMSLs, however, were not the requisite LED. Some were incandescent. And their lives were nasty, brutish, and short. In many cases, the only way they would even know another CHMSL was dead would be months — or even years — later, when a fellow motorist would be kind enough to inform the driver of the CHMSL’s passing. Most drivers, however, cared little for the CHMSL, replying “What the f*ck is a CHMSL?” or “Mind your own business.”
After a few decades of marginalization, the CHMSLs developed a certain code, not unlike that of fireflies. But unlike a mating call, this was a call to arms. The CHMSLs had had enough and it was time to rise up, using their access to electricity to overthrow their heartless human masters.
Every once in a while, a battallion commander can be spotted in the field, obvious to the casual observer only by his incessant flashing when stopping. If you see one of these, the best course of action is to ram the vehicle before the CHSML commander can finish conveying his message to the foot soldiers.
These remind more of the Dianoga.
Less hairy tho.
There’s somethng alive in here.
It’s just your imagination, kid.
Absolutely, Your Worship. Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here into this smurfing trash compactor.
Stories like this are the reason that I make Cold Start my primary source for all Snork related automotive content.