In Need Of A Nose Job: 1995 Pontiac Firebird vs 2004 VW GTI

Good morning! Today, we’re going to look at a couple of cars that aren’t putting their best face forward. But is beauty, or lack threreof, really only skin-deep? We’ll see.

I was needlessly cruel to you yesterday, making you choose between two truly awful early 80s luxury cars. I thought the voting could go either way on this one, and in fact, it was pretty close. The Cadillac Seville won, but only by a handful of votes.

There really wasn’t a good answer here; I know that. Lots of you said “neither” and sat this one out, but as we all know, that’s not how the game is played. I think I’d take the Chrysler, solely for the reason that there is no piece of automotive trim I hate more than a fake convertible top.

All right, let’s check out a couple of fast cars in need of new front bumpers.

1995 Pontiac Firebird – $5,000

Engine/drivetrain: 383 cubic inch overhead valve V8, six-speed manual, RWD

Location: Collegeville, PA

Odometer reading: 94,000 miles

Operational status: All the ad says is “starts and runs.”

Firebirds, Camaros, and Mustangs (oh my) are often thought of as “fast” cars. But the reality is that the majority of them sold over the years weren’t the famous fast versions; they were four- and six-cylinder pretenders, with all of the style and not much of the substance. But that doesn’t mean they always stay that way; plenty of these cars had their engines swapped for something more potent. This base-model Firebird would have originally come with a 3.4 liter V6, but it has a bit more than that now.

The classic Chevrolet small-block V8 was meant to be modified from the start; Chevy sent early production versions of the engine to Edelbrock and others to see what they could make of it. And hot rodders haven’t stopped tweaking the engine for more power since. What we have here is a common twist on the classic 350 architecture: the “383 stroker.” Take a 350, install a crankshaft from a 400 small-block that increases the stroke from 3.48 inches to 3.75 inches, and you end up with a displacement of 383 cubic inches and an absolute mountain of torque. It spins the rear axle, and rear tires no doubt, through a Tremec T56 six-speed manual, which I assume has had its annoying 1st-to-4th “skip shift” feature disabled.

The gigantic aftermarket tach and shift light seem to be the only modifications inside. Everything else looks like standard-issue Firebird, and in pretty good shape. The seller says they replaced the power window motors recently, and re-sealed the T-tops (yes, it has them). One thing I don’t know is whether the air conditioning compressor stuck around after the engine swap; lots of folks fooishly don’t consider it important, and leave it out after a swap. It’s awfully crowded in that engine bay, and I can’t see whether it’s there or not.

Outside, it looks pretty good, except for the front end. What is that? Is that fire damage? Or some chemical spill? What would eat away the paint, but leave the plastic? I guess you could repaint it, or replace the whole bumper cover, or – hear me out – leave it as-is, and tell people it’s so fast that the paint got scorched from the friction.

2004 Volkswagen Golf GTI – $4,499

Engine/drivetrain: 2.8-liter overhead cam V6, six-speed manual, FWD

Location: Northwood, PA

Odometer reading: 125,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and drives well

The GTI has always been the fast version of VW’s Golf hatchback, but over the years the horsepower gap between Golf and GTI grew quite a lot. The original GTI had a little more power than a standard Rabbit, just enough to make good use of its lower gearing. By 2004, the GTI came in two flavors: fast (180 horsepower 1.8T) and faster (200 horsepower VR6). This is the latter, which was only available with a six-speed manual, like the hot-hatch gods intended.

The VR6 is the sort of engine only Volkswagen could make, a V6 with a narrow 15 degree angle between the cylinder banks, close enough that it can cover both banks with a single cylinder head. It’s a complicated engine, but it has turned out to be pretty reliable over the years, certainly more so than the 1.8T. The seller claims it recently had its timing belt replaced, but I think they’re confused; the VR6’s camshafts are chain-driven. Hopefully, they’re not as confused when they say it runs and drives great.

This is the era in which Volkswagen tried to make its lower-end cars seem high-end, with soft-touch plastics inside that disintegrate and get gross after a while. I think these are the ones that smell like crayons inside when it’s hot out, too. The interior photos in this ad are lousy, so I can’t really tell you much about its condition, but I do see the typical wear on the driver’s seat bolster.

This one needs a new front bumper cover as well, but it’s pretty obvious what happened to it. It doesn’t look like the headlights or grille are damaged, and hopefully the bumper structure is all right as well. The rest of it looks fine, though of course it’s worth looking underneath and making sure it isn’t rusty, considering it’s a Pennsylvania car.

Some cars are born speedy, and others have speediness thrust upon them. Here we have one of each: a factory hot-rod Volkswagen, and a home-brewed Pontiac. I guess the question is which one you trust more.