Car brochure scenes take place in a parallel universe where the normal and rational rules of parking simply don’t apply. That’s why car brochures were so expensive to produce; in addition to needing photographers and models and craft services for food (the on-set catering has that name because they service the other “crafts,” which include hair and makeup, special effects, lighting, and so on; I had no idea until just now that’s why it was called that) and finding a good location and so on, they also had to maintain a stable wormhole to this parallel universe where shitty parking is just accepted. And that involves a lot of equipment, usually atomic.
So, let’s take a look at three fine examples of the brochure-parking craft, as seen in this brochure from 1973 for the Mercury Comet. You remember the Comet, right? It was the badge-engineered version of the Ford Maverick, and is a good reminder of all the good model names we lost when Mercury went the way of having to wait for a specific time to watch something on television.
Comet is just a great name for a car. So was Meteor, Zephyr, Cyclone, and Bobcat, now that I think about it. But we’re talking about the Comet right now, and these were handsome cars:
The Maverick/Comet body style was pleasingly tidy and just curvy enough, especially in coupé form. Not great cars, really, but I always sort of liked them. But we’re here to judge parking! So let’s get to it!
Starting with the cover, we have a wonderfully oversaturated picture of some impressively miserable parking. The car has just gone through a gateway there, into what is possibly a private residence, but I think more likely it’s an institution of some kind, maybe a school, based on the kids and the fact they’re holding books.
But look how that car is parked! Diagonally across the narrow brick lane, completely blocking the path for anyone else that may be coming into the driveway. It’s an absolutely self-absorbed, dickheaded way to park, and I salute its boldness. The location is strange, too – why not park like an idiot closer to the actual entrance of the school or whatever? Instead of letting your kids out into some shrubs?
Next we have this amazing picture of a fantastic-looking yellow-with-black-stripes Comet, complete with mag wheels and a hood scoop, in front of some remarkable modernist/brutalist architecture.
I love that building, with its bold post-and-lintel roof supports, and the cascade of staircases leading up to the extensive band of windows there. This feels like a research library or something like that? It has some kind of higher education, or maybe scientific company sort of feeling to it. And it appears these two go-getters have parked their car right in the middle of a pedestrian area?
It’s hard to tell exactly, but this doesn’t seem like a parking lot, per se. It also doesn’t seem to be as inconveniencing to everyone else like the first example, so I’m going to say that overall, this parking job isn’t too bad.
Ah yes, a classic of brochure parking arts: the car out in the middle of motherflapping nowhere. The more you look at this scene, the less sense it makes. They presumably drove their Comet out off the road, over a relatively flat and solid grassy field, which is good because the RWD comet wasn’t exactly renowned for its off-road capabilities, which were usually limited to driving through a neighbor’s flower garden.
So, this couple drove out to Damp Hilly Plains with just one bike sticking out of that trunk? Now what’s the plan? Dude happily bikes off while his Special Lady has to run alongside in (I’m guessing) espadrilles, huffing and puffing, pausing to daintily vomit in some heather? Take two bikes or don’t take any, jackass!
This parking job is stupid, because none of this plan makes any sense. And good luck finding the car again once you go pedaling off into that vast sea of grass, dummy.
As usual for ’70s car brochures, we need to look at a picture of the wild interior color options and lament what we’ve lost, as a culture. Green! Blue! Stripy golds and earthtones! A saffron-colored dashboard! How did we fall under the tyranny of gray so completely?
Also, that radio placement feels like such an afterthought. Surely by ’73 Ford understood people wanted radios, right?
Respectfully disagree that the Comets / Mavericks were attractive cars, as they were simply stretch Pintos. But, I LOL’d at least 3 times, so nevermind. Great read!
I would love to see a Ford Maverick (or Mercury Comet)
coupétwo door sedan over here in northern Europe. Just such a nice (looking) car!Boring old boomers always import Mustangs and Corvettes and such, so they are everywhere..
Speaking of comets, please write something on the beautiful and expensive french Ford Comète.
First off, why is everyone ignoring little Timmy pouting on the front fender? He looks like those stuffed ‘Time Out Toddlers’ that seem to be sulking on the bumpers of classic cars at every car show. What did you do to make mommy love Suzy so much more than you, Timmy? Is it your poor parking skills?
Mavericks and Comets were liberally sprinkled around my high school parking lot in the mid 1980s. And yes, they were all parked with total disregard for parking stripes and fire lanes. We carelessly deposited them willy-nilly, because we are Gen X, and we don’t care. They weren’t special, they were just…there. Kind of like Hard Rock t-shirts, OP corduroy shorts, or Madonna. I always thought the Comets were much better looking, with the faux T-bird snout and the Montego tail lights.
I had a 1977 Maverick 4 door, opposite color scheme (pea green with a brown vinyl top) and that ungodly brown plaid bench seat. 250 six, 3 speed column shift. It had PS, PB, AC (which made the leisurely acceleration glacial, but it blew ice cold if you could stay in high gear long enough) and…an AM RADIO! That’s how the old man pitched it to me, after taking away my (well, his; I got it running and assumed it was mine) 1974 Ford F100 Custom short bed 4×4, with no power steering, brakes, AC, or radio (it had a 10 channel CB shoved in the hole where the radio went). [You were right, Pop: I would have killed myself in the Ford truck.]
Back when the front tires on ten-speeds were not quick-release, I needed wrenches to make my Huffy fit in the back seat, because there was no way that bike would fit in the trunk. That dude looks way too chipper to have extracted his faux Raleigh from that Comet.
I disagree with your assessment of the Maverick/Comet’s off road capabilities. The previous owner had shod the Mav with gargantuan G78-14 bias ply tires that scrubbed the fenders and the frame at full lock. With six burly teens crammed into the Mav, we had no problem navigating the ‘chile bowl’ at the local mud bog, provided that I maintained speed and kept it in second gear. It was about as capable as the Ford truck, since the F100 had an open rear diff despite being a 4×4. (look ma! 3 wheel drive!)
I wholeheartedly agree about the radio placement. The stock AM radio was bare bones, offering the following options: On/Off/Volume (left knob), Tuning (right knob), and Tone (ring under Tuning). The push button springs were toast by the 80s, so the Tuning knob was your only hope of changing stations. Because of the awkward positon of the radio, you either picked a station and stuck with it for the duration of your journey, or you asked your front seat passenger to lewdly contort themselves in search of another station. I did notice that the radio shown in the Comet’s dash is AM/FM. I’m assuming that it must have been monoaural, because there definitely wasn’t any space for stock stereo speakers. The previous owner had blessed me with an under-dash Realistic Stereo 8-track player, so part of my second paycheck from Taco Mayo went towards the purchase of a Realistic 8-track to cassette adapter. You have never truly experienced music until you have listened to the wow and flutter of Pet Shop Boys through an 8-track adapter. Good times. (That 8-track adapter eventually became an indispensable cog in the unholy adapter powertrain that allowed me to listen to my portable CD player through the stock AM/FM STEREO/8 Track in my 1979 LTD, but I digress.)
All in all, the Maverick/Comet twins were pretty decent cars for the Malaise era. They were hard to kill (trust me) and mine was reliable. I wonder how Ford managed to bungle the Monarch/Granada twins, when they based them off of the cars that were…there.
Aside: For a GM family, we seemed to have owned a lot of Fords in the 1980s. My dad was an Olds man who skipped a few rungs on the Sloan ladder from his ’63 Impala SS, ’66 Dynamic 88, ’79 LTD…wait, what?, ’86 Delta 88, 1998 Olds 88, and finally, 2003 CTS. I tried really hard to be a GM fella, but Fords, VWs, Jeeps, a baker’s dozen of Mopars, and even a BMW i3 keep taking me on side quests. Four of my first six cars were Fords, (’74 F100, ’77 Maverick, ’79 LTD, ’69 Bug, ’86 Dodge Charger 2.2, ’85 Mustang LX 5.0), and it took until vehicle number 8 (’83 S10) to finally own a GM product. That I bought from my dad.
Back when that was common, all green interiors made me uncomfortable.
Well I don’t know about parking, but art directors like diagonal intersecting lines and 3/4 views of cars.
Next week; why are all the streets wet but the cars are dry?
WTF is with the shiny lubed up bike guy? His seat is way too low; pisses me off.
My wife had a bright orange Maverick when I met her. Black interior, no AC. It was called The Pumpkin.
Yep. With the seat that low, his cadence will be crap and his arms are going to cramp up. Plus, he’s asking for blisters by not wearing socks. WTH is up with the front rim brakes? And there is no way he got that bike in that car in one piece. She’s probably his mechanic, hence no bike for her.
“WTH is up with the front rim brakes?”
I think it’s a generator and a light.
“Plus, he’s asking for blisters by not wearing socks”
Maybe he is wearing ankle socks?
“With the seat that low, his cadence will be crap and his arms are going to cramp up.”
Probably why his sister came to pick him up.
“And there is no way he got that bike in that car in one piece”
Damnit Janet! You forgot the bike rack! Now he has to ride home in the dark all cramped up. Good thing he has that generator and light.
“So, this couple drove out to Damp Hilly Plains with just one bike sticking out of that trunk? Now what’s the plan? Dude happily bikes off while his Special Lady has to run alongside in (I’m guessing) espadrilles, huffing and puffing, pausing to daintily vomit in some heather? Take two bikes or don’t take any, jackass!”
Someone has to drive that Comet home. That’s why they only brought one bike.
“Also, that radio placement feels like such an afterthought. Surely by ’73 Ford understood people wanted radios, right?”
Just as much as Tesla and others understand today people want touchscreens halfassdly glued to the dash.
“That’s a lousy parking job. How do you sleep at night?”
“On a mattress, from Mattress Shart!”
I hate those commercials and want to punch everybody in the nose. Looking at those cars reminds me that we gave up on round headlights much too soon.
I think they did scenario to match colours a sort of cool colors not cement to real life.
But Comet was the same name as a scrubbing cleanser
Comet it makes your teeth turn green
Comet it tastes like gasoline
So take some Comet and Vomit today.
I am forgetting two lines
Missing lines:
Comet
It makes you vomit
So take…
Meteors can land anywhere anytime. Comets kind of just go do their own thing.
But when they do, they are meteorites.
Pic #2 is Galbraith Hall, on the University of San Diego Campus.
HistoricReferenceGuide.pdf
Main building page 5, background building page 3
I thought that looked familiar.
BTW its The University of CALIFORNIA San Diego.
University of San Diego is another beast altogether.
Meh, I’m from Arizona, it’s compulsory we denigrate California at every opportunity. I think written it’s on the back of my driver’s license.
double double due to bad network
Pic 3: the Comet belonged to the photographer, and the couple on the bike were meeting them there for engagement pictures.
I always liked those one-year-only 1973 front bumpers, on the Maverick with its’ very gently vee’d prow.
In order to use the same part on the Comet with its’ Bunkie beak they had to set it with the outer sections much further out giving a preview of the massive porches both cars would grow for 1974.