Not Since ‘Ready Player One’ Has A Company So Effectively Made Me Feel Weird About Video Game Nostalgia

There are certain kinds of nostalgia that I am an absolute sucker for, no question. I’m not proud of this, but it’s something I’ve accepted about myself. As a particular type of Gen Xer who benefited/suffered a good amount of the kind of parental inattention endemic to my generation, my sweet spot for nostalgia is probably the late ’70s to late ’80s.

This era corresponds with the rise of the first home computers and video game consoles and video game arcades, all of which were big influences on my young life and sense of aesthetics. As a result, I have a special fondness for old 8-bit-era computers and video games, and the compromises and limitations inherent to those media formats helped to form visual vocabulary that feels like home to me.

As a result, in addition to obsessing over cars, I also obsess over old retro tech, which I collect and incorporate into my artwork and pretty much cram into any situation I think I can get away with it. Like how I use old ’80s-era Apple II computers to make member perks for the site, for example. And look at all the crap I’m hoarding in my basement:

So, yeah, I think it’s safe to say I’m going to pay attention to almost anything that is categorized as 8-bit retro whatever. Again, I’m not proud, but there it is.

That’s why when I saw that Rolls-Royce, the well-known builder of affordable commuter cars (if my understanding is correct), announced the “first-ever Bespoke Rolls-Royce inspired by vintage video game culture” I was, of course, curious. The car is called the Black Badge Ghost Gamer, the name taken from Rolls-Royce’s Black Badge bespoke division, and the model is the Ghost, and you know, Gamer because video games. Here’s what Rolls’ press release has to say about the car:

Rolls-Royce unveils Black Badge Ghost Gamer: a Bespoke commission inspired by the 8-bit universe of vintage video games. Created for a client with a deep passion for early arcade culture, this nostalgic motor car incorporates intricately crafted references to the dawn of gaming. Coded with details including a hand-painted ‘Cheeky Alien’ exterior Coachline motif, ‘Player One’ seat embroidery, ‘Pixel Blaster’ Starlight Headliner, a unique ‘Laser Base’ Illuminated Fascia, and a hidden cache of joystick-era Easter eggs, the discovery of every feature turns the motor car itself into a stunningly crafted game.

Now, I’m delighted to see people making cars their own, and if you have the money, why not get yourself a Rolls-Royce customized to represent concepts and art and culture that resonates with you, and if that means early video games, fantastic.

But there’s something about the whole execution of this thing that just feels, I don’t know, kind of, well, half-assed. Maybe a little cynical. It feels like the most expensive manifestation of an 8-bit themed sticker kit, and I say this as someone who once owned this truck:

That was just a bunch of 8-bit invader stickers, but I suspect I paid the equivalent of several mansions and a kidney less than whatever this Black Badge Ghost Gamer Cost.

Here’s a Rolls-Royce video of some of the 8-bit inspired design incorporated into this thing:

Okay, so let’s get into what this has. There’s a two tone paint job, “the main body in Salamanca Blue and the upper body in deep-shimmer Crystal over Diamond Black,” according to Rolls-Royce. And on this paint are some little pixellated alien guys painted into the pinstriping, along with some little explosions:

And, okay, cute, whatever. The hand-painters did a good job making consistently-sized pixels, at least.

The illuminated headliner, which normally has a starry sky pattern, is a very cool modern Rolls-Royce trademark (the kind of thing that would require you to spend well over $100 on Amazon to emulate) has been modified to be more like a Space Invaders-type scene, with alien ship blocks and moving laser blasts. That’s fun.

The seats also have PLAYER 1-4 embroidered on them in a pixellated font, and there’s some arcade cabinet side art-type of imagery on the “waterfall” between the rear seats, featuring an alien horizon and some flying saucers.

The thresholds have little 8-bit-era phrases like PRESS START and LEVEL UP and INSERT COIN, again in an 8-bit pixel-visible typeface.

The dashboard’s ambient illumination includes a dimensional, first-person-flying-through-space/Windows screensaver-type starfield and a low-resolution spaceship around the name GHOST, too.

And, finally, the rear seat snackables tray has another little pixellated alien on it.

Sure, all these things are fun, and I’m sure the quality of materials and craftsmanship is incredible, but at the same time, they’re all a little, I don’t know, boring? Phoned-in? Half-assed? There’s nothing wrong with it, but let’s remember, a Rolls-Royce Black Badge Bespoke customized car can cost between $500,000 and $600,000 easily. This car is almost certainly somewhere in that half-a-million range. And this is all that they can do?

I mean, hell, when we were prepping our $800, $375,000 mile taxi, I installed a real 8-bit Atari computer system in the back to play games. And that cost me about $40, maybe. You know what that kid up there is doing that you can’t do in that Rolls-Royce? Playing Frogger on a real 8-bit machine that’s integrated right into the car. For close to half a million dollars less.

Rolls-Royce couldn’t have done something like that? They couldn’t have been a little more creative here, integrated a few more clever things or interactive elements or some real vintage hardware in there? Of course they could have.

Instead, they just slapped some 8-bit-era-looking stuff onto an expensive car, in much the same way that the book and movie Ready Player One just kind of took 1980s culture and 8-bit era aesthetics and references and just shoveled it into a flimsy plot and characters so thin that they have the proportions of Steak-ums and called it a day.

Ready Player One was obsessive about ’80s pop culture and video games, but it was all handled in a sort of hoarder’s mentality. The book and movie seemed to be focused on just cramming as many references and trivia about the era as possible into every bit of dialogue and exposition, but without any real appreciation or understanding. It’d be like ordering everything on the menu of a Michelin-star restaurant and having it all mixed up in a bucket, Mr.Creosote-style.

Now, if our unnamed wealthy patron that commissioned this thing had really wanted to make something incredible, they could have bought a Rolls-Royce Ghost and spent what would likely be a lot less money by getting some actual artists to modify the car with all the 8-bit goodness they wanted.

I know many artists who work in the retro video game genre, and many talented engineers and builders who absolutely could have made something far more interesting than what we see here. Sure, Rolls-Royce made a one-off car, but somehow they managed to make a one-off car feel like a mass-produced theme package at the same time.

I love the idea of this car, but I can’t help but be disappointed by the concepts and execution, which I know could have been so much better in the hands of independent real artists who really know this genre. I think whoever this secret rich retro video game lover is, they should, just in the interests of healthy competition, buy some more affordable but still swanky car, maybe a Genesis G70 or something, and then take, oh, $100,000 and go to some artists and builders and tell them to make an 8-bit-era tribute car.

I’m pretty certain they’d get something that would kick this overpriced nostalgia-pandering Rolls off the high score screen.