We don’t do these sorts of Public Service Announcements very often, but occasionally there’s something happening in the news cycle that may have an under-appreciated automotive angle that we feel isn’t being adequately covered, and I think that is the case now. Currently, there’s a lot of discussion on social media that the Rapture – an Evangelical Christian eschatological event where Christians on Earth will be taken up into heaven – is about to happen, perhaps today or tomorrow. If this proves to be the case, there are a number of automotive-related issues that need to be addressed.
Now, the generally accepted method of how the Rapture will take place involves people being physically lifted up into the sky, sometimes leaving their clothes behind, sometimes not. There’s not really a consensus there. But everyone does seem to think it’ll just happen fairly suddenly, though a sort of warning trumpet may predicate the rising of people into the sky, at least according to 1 Thessalonians 4:17:
“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.”
As this is not my belief system, I’m not likely to be raised into heaven, but just on the off chance it happens, we believe there are certain precautions we believe one should take if you happen to be in a car or driving at the time. This sort of practicality may seem odd, but there’s many people thinking along similarly practical lines:
@stopwiththebuttholecramp Day 3 of #rapture prepping. #Christian #missingpeople #christiantiktok #jesus ♬ original sound – Melissa Johnston
So, with this in mind, we’ve come up with a few very basic rules to consider while driving if you feel you are a likely candidate to be raptured. As far as your likelihood to be Raptured, I’m not qualified to say, but I suspect you’d know?
Anyway, here are the basic rules:
1. If your car has a sunroof or convertible top, keep it open.
I can’t stress this one enough; there’d be nothing worse than getting raptured and just being smushed up against the headliner of your car, the dome light pressing against your face. I don’t know how much force may be used to pull people into heaven, but it’s possible in a car without an opening roof, you may end up lifting the whole car off the ground and into the sky, with the whole 2,000-plus pounds of car supported by you against the roof, which sounds painful.
If you must drive, find a car with some manner of opening roof. If this is simply not an option, keep the window down and angle your head out the window so you can slide out that way should you be Raptured.
2. Drive in the slow lane, next to the shoulder, and be prepared to bring your car to a safe stop.
This is very important for everyone who may get left behind, so please be a courteous Rapturee. Drive like you’re about to be Raptured, which means slowly, near the side of the road or the shoulder, with one hand on your gearshift. Once you hear the trumpets or feel yourself getting pulled up into the sky, start to steer onto the shoulder or side of the road, put your car in neutral, and apply the brakes. If at all possible, come to a complete stop, but at the very least, get your car out of gear so it doesn’t keep driving as you ascend to heaven.
3. Keep your hazard lights on.
This may be the simplest, yet most helpful thing you can do: warn other drivers to be aware that at any moment, your car could become an empty missile of wanton destruction. Keeping your hazards on will let people know to be careful and keep their distance.
4. (Bonus, it’d just be nice) Keep all your car’s maintenance records handy and out in the open in case anyone takes your now-abandoned car after you’re gone.
If you’re Raptured away, you’re not going to need your car anymore, so why not do us all a solid and leave any maintenance records, spare parts, notes about your car’s quirks and any modifications right there on the passenger seat or something so that when you’re up there in heaven, whomever happens to get your car will know how to best take care of it. That’s what you’d want, right?
As a non-automotive aside, I might suggest avoiding interior spaces with large ceiling fans, because it’d be a real shame to get julienned right before you ascend into the beyond, right?
I’m not saying the Rapture actually will happen or, for that matter, won’t, but it never hurts to exercise a little bit of driving caution, just in case!
Good luck out there!
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Spare a moment’s thought for the raptured people trapped against their apartment ceiling.
Unless the tractor beams are really strong. Then it’s going to be boom time for handymen and roofers.
The only Rapture I’m worried about is if the man from mars starts eating cars.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHCdS7O248g
Rapture or fade away and radiate?
help me, what the hell is a butt cramp?
Oh sweet Geebus, how’d I miss this?
The answer is always Miata?
Miata Is Always The Answer
The Rapture, huh? We should listen to this:
The Rapture /// House of Jealous Lovers
Well crap.
I only hope it happens after I have watched the return of Jimmy Kimmel.
But in my area the local stations will not be broadcasting it. Seriously.
So another night of Celebrity Family Feud with the great Steve Harvey.
America, right?
It’ll be available on all the Disney-owned streaming services as well.
And on the official Jimmy Kimmel Live YouTube channel, albeit with each segment a separate video.
As a Christian I only have convertibles for just this reason. While driving either my Jeep JL or Corvette I have the top open even in the rain. I don’t listen to my radio or allow talking in the car since the trumpet blast will come first before we get swept up to meet Jesus in the air!
Hate to break it to you but Spirit Airlines filed for bankruptcy
Well we still have the Father and the Son anyway!
Somebody better tell the Big Guy.
It’s all a scam to sell time-shares.
In.. heaven?
Let me tell you- the gated North Meadows neighborhood is where you want to be. You don’t want to get stuck living next to those people for eternity, do you?
Oh, for god’s sakes…
This RaptureTok crap makes me long for the carefree, innocent days of Hawk Tuah Girl.
The Faithful will be almost as sad as I will be when I wake up tomorrow and find out they’re still here.
Then, convince some of them that the rapture actually did happen, and they must not have been deemed worthy by the Holy Tractor Beam of Love.
Dangerous, they might snap, or decide that there’s no such thing as sin anymore.
What if you have a Ford F-150 Rapture ?
sorry I can’t really enjoy the auto humor because I’m just too flummoxed by the apparently earnest rapture prep tiktok video embed from the “Christian, wife, mother” whose username is “stopwiththebuttholecramp.” Not that butthole cramp isn’t an issue for christian wives and mothers or that they should have to continue suffering from it but i’m struggling to put all these pieces together. Maybe if you were suffering from unresolved butthole cramp you would have a strong interest in being raptured?
Automotive related: It’s a suggestion to relax your grip on the upholstery, if you keep clenching you’ll tear up the seat as you assend(sic).
By the way, if/when the Rapture happens, I certainly hope the world doesn’t suddenly begin to mimic The Leftovers.
The world is weird enough, but that show was terrifyingly ridiculous.
You can actually see the moment the Escort’s soul leaves its body.
I believe the First Escort’s soul has already been sold.
I think it’s a Tempo. And seriously Torch, the Kia Soul was *right there*!
HEY!!! What y’all doing down there!?!
I thought the rapture was what happens when you orgasm. Sometimes with clothes off, sometimes with clothes on. If you’re in a car at the time, please don’t leave a mess.
In a convertible it is much easier to shower the sky with your potential future offspring!
I just read this headline to my son and he said if you keep them closed you might get to take your car with you, so something to consider.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing! Maybe we need to drive a light car…perhaps all Miata’s go to heaven?
Depends… If you’re just smooshed against the roof it would be like having the car fall off a jack while you’re under it. Would make a real mess of the head liner.
All snark aside, I’d be much happier if the Rapture took the people calling themselves Christians but acting nothing like one.
Do you think I want to be left on this God-forsaken rock with Cheeto Gordito and his Faithful Followers?
When I first moved to the US, me and my family were deeply confused by the not uncommon bumper sticker which read “In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned”.
Had never heard of the concept, in my country religion is a historical quirk and something you might celebrate as part of your heritage, absolutely not something that has any meaning or impact on our daily lives. Also, my English skills, while good, did not include Biblical concepts. I thought rapture was the same as rupture, but that didn’t help explain the sticker – if the car ruptured, then at least the front half should have remained manned.
Lastly, if I have understood anything of the teachings of Jesus, it’s that the sanctimonious ones who brag about their relationship with god are not particularly likely to make it upstairs.
Please check out josh mindemann Video about the rapture happening, and how good it was for the rest of us
Oh, and happy new year!
At college a friend would wear a chauffeur’s cap and a T-shirt that read:
Shana Tova!
Don’t forget to blow your chauffeur!
That’s car related, right?
…I’m not Jewish, but I don’t think that’s the word that belongs there. That seems… misleading!
I think Duran Duran had a song about this
As a professional sinner and lifelong gay man, I’m on board with this.
You might want to ask for a picture of the college friend before you agree to anything…
Wise precaution.
Hmm, could that mean that Mr Kirk wasn’t assassinated but an early Rapture participant? So, instead of waiting to rise when the trumpets sound, the rest of us should DUCK!
The part about the dead people flying through the air is a bit concerning. If you are traveling to NYC, keep in mind that that the approach to LaGuardia goes over a half dozen major cemeteries.
No kidding, that would be worse than the birds at JFK!
I thought it was just live people, not raising them up from the dead. I had no evangelical upbringing
Nope. Live people and the bodies of dead believers. No word on what happens if your physical body was destroyed and no longer available to be raised. (My childhood church had strong disagreements on whether or not cremation was allowed for this reason)
Pretty sure (with just a vanishingly few exceptions) all physical dead bodies to date, whether buried, mummified, burned, left out on a mountaintop, entombed or dropped into the sea have already been destroyed, otherwise we’d be up to our eyeballs in billions of years worth of stinky dead bodies.
That is the logical response. Bodies naturally decay so who cares.
Religious belief is not based on logic – which leads to modern people trying to match current reality to ancient myths. I was raised in a branch of fundamentalism that believed that every word in the bible was literally true – the universe was completely made in 6 literally 24 hour days, the entire world was once covered with water. Noah literally put every single kind of animal into a boat that he made to very specific dimensions, etc, etc.
One of those questions was what happens at the rapture if your body is no longer whole and is it permissible to purposely destroy a dead body by burning it into ash. A bit comically the official stance has changed from cremation is wrong to it is acceptable – mostly because of the current crazy cost of embalming and a traditional funeral.
I prefer the (fictional) Klingon practice of treating a dead body as an empty vessel to be disposed of in the most convenient, least cost way possible. I think today we have to add lowest carbon footprint too so that probably means a composting burial or being fed to scavengers, whether on land or at sea.
OTOH if out forefathers hadn’t taken such good care of their dead we’d have learned much less about them. So there’s something to be said for leaving a few dead bodies lying around here and there for far future generations to put in museums.