Refined, Tasteful, And Classic They Are Not: 1983 Cadillac Seville vs 1984 Chrysler Executive Limousine

Good morning! Today I’m not giving you any good choices. That’s just how it is sometimes: you want to go see a matinee, and the only things playing are a documentary on the history of lutefisk, or a Pauly Shore movie. You pay $15 for a beer at a concert, and the only choices are Michelob Ultra or some local IPA that smells like feet. The cruel blogger writing about crappy cars makes you choose between two hideous late-malaise-era luxury cars. You get the idea.

Yesterday, I showed you two rarely-seen versions of cars that used to be everywhere, and boy, were you all mean to that poor Dodge Shadow. I know it was pretty scruffy, but “trash”? “Sadness manifest”? Jeez. Tell me how you really feel. The vote was just about as lopsided as I’ve ever seen.

I agree that that Chevy Blazer is a good deal, but I just don’t have any use for it. It’s just a smaller version of the GMC Yukon that’s already in our driveway. Besides, that Shadow reminds me of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree, or the tail-less black cat we rescued from the Humane Society last fall. It just needs some love, is all. But I’d try to talk them down to $1,500.

The American car industry was obviously a mess in the early 1980s, but you sort of have to give them points for trying. Horsepower was a distant memory, and build quality was a joke, but the marketing departments were in full-swing, touting technological advancements that promised a break from the doldrums of the previous decade. Actual technological levels were all over the place; digital dashboard gauges displayed vital stats for carbureted engines, but that hardly mattered. Unearned optimism and empty promises were all the rage, and boy, did these cars deliver.

But what about now? Have they reached the age where they can be considered ironically cool? Whoever priced these two certainly seems to think so. Or are they just used-up old crap, best left in a decade that gave us good music, but shitty cars? Let’s take a look, and then you can decide.

1983 Cadillac Seville – $4,500

Engine/drivetrain: 4.1-liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, FWD

Location: Cocoa, FL

Odometer reading: 88,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and drives well

Cadillac tried so hard in the 70s and 80s to shed its old-people image, and nothing worked. The first-generation Seville was successful, and actually a pretty good car, but it didn’t attract the young buyers GM was hoping for. This second generation wasn’t aimed at young buyers; actually I’m not sure who it was aimed at. It’s built on a modern-ish front-wheel-drive platform, but its styling is supposed to evoke the great old Cadillacs of the 1930s. Or something. My dad once said he thought it looked like they ran over the back end of the clay model with a steamroller.

The Seville was powered by a variety of disastrous engines: the notorious Oldsmobile 350 diesel, Cadillac’s clever but unreliable V8-6-4, and the “High Technology” 4100 V8, which is what this one has. It’s prone to head and intake manifold gasket leaks, failing oil pumps, and overheating – but it’s still the good choice for these cars. The seller says this one runs smoothly and has no issues, at least at the moment. It has only covered 14,000 miles in the last thirty-four years, but has had some recent work done.

Inside, it’s pure old-school Cadillac, with lots of fake wood, real leather, and power features operated by chrome buttons and switches. At least, most of them operate something; two of the power windows don’t work, and neither do the windshield wipers or the radio. The air conditioning, however, is ice cold.

The sloping “bustleback” rear end styling is this car’s most distinctive feature, for better or worse. I guess I don’t mind it, and the two-tone paint actually works pretty well on it, but then someone had to go and stick that idiotic fake convertible “carriage” top on it. It’s the automotive equivalent of a bad toupee, and like all cars so afflicted, it would look so much better without it. The seller says the top needs to be replaced; I say it needs to be removed and utterly destroyed. When you take the carriage top off, you can fix a few rust spots that are popping out, and then repaint it. I’m not sure an ’83 Seville is worth all that trouble, though.

1984 Chrysler Executive Limousine – $6,500

Engine/drivetrain: 2.6-liter overhead cam inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD

Location: Gilberts, IL

Odometer reading: 190,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and drives well

Here’s the answer to a question no one asked: What would happen if you turned a K-car into a factory stretch limo? I mean, I guess making a front-wheel-drive car into a limousine makes sense; you don’t have to mess with the drivetrain at all. But was anybody clamoring for an extra-long LeBaron? Clearly not; Chrysler only sold about 1,700 of these things in four years. Even I, K-car enthusiast/apologist that I am, don’t really see the point of these things.

Part of the problem is that when this car came out, Chrysler didn’t have the firepower to really make it work. The Mitsubishi-sourced 2.6 liter four-cylinder was the “big” engine in the LeBaron, but it wasn’t up to the task of hauling around an extra few hundred pounds. That didn’t stop someone from putting this one to work; it has covered 190,000 miles, slowly.  The seller says it runs and drives well, and has had a lot of recent work.

As strange as the idea may be, this is an honest-to-Iacocca limousine, complete with a divider between the front and rear passenger compartments. In back, it has a big soft bench seat, and two rear-facing jump seats, which I guess is where your hired muscle sits? I think it also has a TV, based on the presence of one of those boomerang-shaped antennas on the trunk lid. It looks like it’s in good condition inside, but it’s anyone’s guess how much of the power stuff still works. The seller doesn’t offer a lot of information.

It’s nice and shiny outside, but there’s a little bit of rust starting to appear along the bottom edge of the vinyl top. I didn’t know until I started researching these that they were actually made from LeBaron coupes, with 30 inches added to the middle. The front doors are from a four-door LeBaron, and the rear doors are the coupe doors, modified to fit. It’s another example of making something new from the same old stuff, which, even if you think the end product is ridiculous, you have to admit is clever.

Yes, these cars are absurd, sloppily made, and grossly underpowered, but either one would be a conversation-starter in the right company. And I’m sure they’re both pretty comfy to ride in. So what do you think – would you choose the oddly-shaped Caddy with the electrical gremlins, or the overgrown LeBaron with delusions of grandeur?