Good morning! Today I’m not giving you any good choices. That’s just how it is sometimes: you want to go see a matinee, and the only things playing are a documentary on the history of lutefisk, or a Pauly Shore movie. You pay $15 for a beer at a concert, and the only choices are Michelob Ultra or some local IPA that smells like feet. The cruel blogger writing about crappy cars makes you choose between two hideous late-malaise-era luxury cars. You get the idea.
Yesterday, I showed you two rarely-seen versions of cars that used to be everywhere, and boy, were you all mean to that poor Dodge Shadow. I know it was pretty scruffy, but “trash”? “Sadness manifest”? Jeez. Tell me how you really feel. The vote was just about as lopsided as I’ve ever seen.
I agree that that Chevy Blazer is a good deal, but I just don’t have any use for it. It’s just a smaller version of the GMC Yukon that’s already in our driveway. Besides, that Shadow reminds me of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree, or the tail-less black cat we rescued from the Humane Society last fall. It just needs some love, is all. But I’d try to talk them down to $1,500.
The American car industry was obviously a mess in the early 1980s, but you sort of have to give them points for trying. Horsepower was a distant memory, and build quality was a joke, but the marketing departments were in full-swing, touting technological advancements that promised a break from the doldrums of the previous decade. Actual technological levels were all over the place; digital dashboard gauges displayed vital stats for carbureted engines, but that hardly mattered. Unearned optimism and empty promises were all the rage, and boy, did these cars deliver.
But what about now? Have they reached the age where they can be considered ironically cool? Whoever priced these two certainly seems to think so. Or are they just used-up old crap, best left in a decade that gave us good music, but shitty cars? Let’s take a look, and then you can decide.
1983 Cadillac Seville – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.1-liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Cocoa, FL
Odometer reading: 88,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Cadillac tried so hard in the 70s and 80s to shed its old-people image, and nothing worked. The first-generation Seville was successful, and actually a pretty good car, but it didn’t attract the young buyers GM was hoping for. This second generation wasn’t aimed at young buyers; actually I’m not sure who it was aimed at. It’s built on a modern-ish front-wheel-drive platform, but its styling is supposed to evoke the great old Cadillacs of the 1930s. Or something. My dad once said he thought it looked like they ran over the back end of the clay model with a steamroller.
The Seville was powered by a variety of disastrous engines: the notorious Oldsmobile 350 diesel, Cadillac’s clever but unreliable V8-6-4, and the “High Technology” 4100 V8, which is what this one has. It’s prone to head and intake manifold gasket leaks, failing oil pumps, and overheating – but it’s still the good choice for these cars. The seller says this one runs smoothly and has no issues, at least at the moment. It has only covered 14,000 miles in the last thirty-four years, but has had some recent work done.
Inside, it’s pure old-school Cadillac, with lots of fake wood, real leather, and power features operated by chrome buttons and switches. At least, most of them operate something; two of the power windows don’t work, and neither do the windshield wipers or the radio. The air conditioning, however, is ice cold.
The sloping “bustleback” rear end styling is this car’s most distinctive feature, for better or worse. I guess I don’t mind it, and the two-tone paint actually works pretty well on it, but then someone had to go and stick that idiotic fake convertible “carriage” top on it. It’s the automotive equivalent of a bad toupee, and like all cars so afflicted, it would look so much better without it. The seller says the top needs to be replaced; I say it needs to be removed and utterly destroyed. When you take the carriage top off, you can fix a few rust spots that are popping out, and then repaint it. I’m not sure an ’83 Seville is worth all that trouble, though.
1984 Chrysler Executive Limousine – $6,500
Engine/drivetrain: 2.6-liter overhead cam inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Gilberts, IL
Odometer reading: 190,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Here’s the answer to a question no one asked: What would happen if you turned a K-car into a factory stretch limo? I mean, I guess making a front-wheel-drive car into a limousine makes sense; you don’t have to mess with the drivetrain at all. But was anybody clamoring for an extra-long LeBaron? Clearly not; Chrysler only sold about 1,700 of these things in four years. Even I, K-car enthusiast/apologist that I am, don’t really see the point of these things.
Part of the problem is that when this car came out, Chrysler didn’t have the firepower to really make it work. The Mitsubishi-sourced 2.6 liter four-cylinder was the “big” engine in the LeBaron, but it wasn’t up to the task of hauling around an extra few hundred pounds. That didn’t stop someone from putting this one to work; it has covered 190,000 miles, slowly. The seller says it runs and drives well, and has had a lot of recent work.
As strange as the idea may be, this is an honest-to-Iacocca limousine, complete with a divider between the front and rear passenger compartments. In back, it has a big soft bench seat, and two rear-facing jump seats, which I guess is where your hired muscle sits? I think it also has a TV, based on the presence of one of those boomerang-shaped antennas on the trunk lid. It looks like it’s in good condition inside, but it’s anyone’s guess how much of the power stuff still works. The seller doesn’t offer a lot of information.
It’s nice and shiny outside, but there’s a little bit of rust starting to appear along the bottom edge of the vinyl top. I didn’t know until I started researching these that they were actually made from LeBaron coupes, with 30 inches added to the middle. The front doors are from a four-door LeBaron, and the rear doors are the coupe doors, modified to fit. It’s another example of making something new from the same old stuff, which, even if you think the end product is ridiculous, you have to admit is clever.
Yes, these cars are absurd, sloppily made, and grossly underpowered, but either one would be a conversation-starter in the right company. And I’m sure they’re both pretty comfy to ride in. So what do you think – would you choose the oddly-shaped Caddy with the electrical gremlins, or the overgrown LeBaron with delusions of grandeur?
Seville for me, I like the bustlebacks, dislike the HT4100 though. A L67 3800 V6 could fix that problem!
K-Car
So I can refer to it as “a nice Reliant automobile”
I’m gonna go K-Car Limo, slam it on some gold Daytons, absolutley slather the underside with LED underlighting, “upgrade” the stereo and cruise the hell out of Woodward in it. It’ll get all kind of unwanted attention and that’s it’s best life for sure. When it eventually rots in half sell off the Daytons and sound system and scrap the rest.
I voted for the baby’s got back Caddy with my imaginary internet play money, because I think it’ll ride better and be more comfortable than the stretch K-car. Still, both of these vehicles are each a full loaf of sadness and disappointment in a form reminiscent of an automobile
1) Buy K-car Limo.
2) Mid mount Hellcat Hemi.
3) Profit.
Does the limo have “Rich Corinthian Leather” or was that limited to the Cordoba?
Oh god a HT4100 powered bustleback vs a k-car. Caddy I guess, because it would at least be easier to swap a decent motor into.
If I were more skilled with fabrication/welding I would sooooo Pentastar swap that K car limo, it would probably be awesome. I’m thankful I don’t have the cash for such silliness though, since that limo is less than an hour away from me.
Not a big bustleback fan, especially one with a 4100 in it, but the seller of that Seville won me over with the trunk full of literature and matching Hot Wheels car.
Still wouldn’t even consider buying it, right?
Maybe – the for-real top-dollar price I’d give would be $2500, and that would only be if the owner lived down the street from me. I paid $4K for this Jaguar a couple of years ago, so the idea of paying even more for that Caddy makes me choke on my beer a little bit.
First job out of the Navy in ’91 was a car dealership. Caddy – Chevy – Geo – Lexus – Rolls – Sterling. I drove A LOT of crappy old Caddies like this, but at least one had giant bull horns on the hood.
That’s really a limo? It looks like another boring sedan. (I got to drive real limos. And hearses. Probably the only interesting part of that job. Besides ZR-1 Vette’s that customer complained the front end shakes at 90mph. Guess I better make sure it was fixed.)
The bustle back Caddy’s are just too ugly. And that top…..just……no.
So, I would buy the K-car, a nice, reliant automobile.
I’d rather have the Chrysler with that Mitsubishi 2.6. The only thing with that engine is you have to stay on top of the timing belt changes along with other routine maintenance. Do that and it’s a solid/reliable engine that was produced in large numbers globally.
The Cadillac with the HT4100 is a heap of shit with parts/support that must be getting difficult.
So Chrysler all the way for me.
In all honesty, both cars are going to be nightmares to keep running at this point, but the Caddy seems to have a lot of interior electrical gremlins right now as well. I would go Stretched K car in this case, just for the novelty of it.
I don’t mind the Seville’s styling, and it gets my vote for costing less and being a “real” car. The limo needs to be a lot cheaper to consider. Even then, what would you do with it? Just buy a full-sized Chrysler instead.
“ Even then, what would you do with it?”
Drive around with up to 6 people (including yourself) in Luxurious Comfort
Someone in my neighborhood that just moved in has a 1984 Seville. They use it as a work vehicle, ratchet strapping ladders to the roof. That makes the vinyl top somewhat useful in our competition here. These both suck but I’d take the Caddy; it’s cheaper and doesn’t seem to be rusting.
When I was in high school there was a similar Chrysler limo for sale for months in the local grocery store parking lot.
Teenage me wanted that car so bad. What could be better than a lil limo for a high school kid and their friends/girlfriend. Finally somewhere to hang out no matter where we go. It was $6,000 at the time. Far far above a realistic price range for me, sadly.
Add twenty five years.
Add 140,000 miles.
Adjust for inflation.
$6,500
Crack Pipe!
That Chrysler is like marble columns on a mid-century split-level.
Lord these are true shitboxes with no redeaming qualities. Bravo for finding selections that support the theme.
The Cadillac was for real estate agents who sold poorly built McMansions and did a bit of coke. The limo was for guys who owned a strip club next to a propane distributor and sold a little coke.
There has never been a pair of vehicles that I wanted less than these two. I straight hate the bustle-back Sevilles. Even as a child, when these were new cars, I got viscerally angry at how ugly they were. And so I will spend my fake internet money on the ugliest Cadillac ever made (yes, including the Cimmaron), and put a brick on the accelerator pedal so I can watch it crash into a brick wall and die like it deserves.
In the real world, how are either of these worth anything at all? Is there an actual person with actual cash in need of an actual car that would actually say “Yes, this is the best way to spend my $4K – $6K”?
Have you met the average American? Buying poorly built junk because it is supposed to represent wealth is like 95% the country’s economic activity.
Sure, but enough about 2000’s Mercedes and BMWs. Nobody alive outside of a nursing home equates these cars with wealth.
Now it’s Escalades, Denalis, and German CUVs. The fashion has shifted, but the reason for the purchase remains the same.
The Chrysler is the most Autopian of the two…and therefore, reluctantly, the preferred answer.
Well you’d have to pay me to drive the LeBaron , which is the whole point.
I suppose the driver could be whaling tha crap out of the engine and in the back you would only notice a stately progress and eventual arrival at your destination.
Gee, 190,000 on the clock. That’s a lot of funerals and proms. One should probably do a deep cleaning of that back seat from all the “tears and sniffles.”
It gives off a rich person going for the least flashy limo possible vibe without the cliche of a flexing a sprinter van.
Still have to pay someone to drive it though, and I’m not quite there yet.
I know someone in NYC that used an older limo to pick up and return props for movies since the police don’t bother them the way they do when they use a van or SUV.
That Seville’s hunchback has become charming with age, but the expense of removing the top, bodywork and repainting the top would triple the price, and that top is just creepy and embarrassing.
I’m pretty sure there is no bumper sticker that could frame the Seville in the proper irony. An “Eat The Rich” sticker might not do it. Maybe an “I Ate The Original Owner And Got Stuck With Their Car” would be in order.
I’ll take the Chrysler LeBaron with a “Picking Up Slack” bumper sticker thank you.
Caddy. I can haul more hay in the limo but it’ll be moldy by the time I get there. Also, thank you for leading me down the engineering rabbit-hole of the HT-4100 engine.
Never have I seen a better summary of the Reagan Years.
These both seem way too overpriced so I’m keeping my imaginary internet play money today and putting it into the Travelall I picked up a few weeks ago.
Travelall? Sweet!
That limo is so ridiculous I had to say yes. Drive around and pretend to be a bad guy in a Magnum PI episode.
I was going to say much the same thing, except it would be the baddie in an episode of Murder She Wrote. The fact that those two series had an epic crossover just makes me smile.
The only thing I could consider epic (from either show) is the Magnum episode where the final line was “Did you see the sun rise this morning?”
I use the term “epic” on a curve here; we are talking about Murder She Wrote, after all.
Well, today’s selections definitely live up to the definition of “Shitbox”, that’s for sure! 🙁
I went with the “Limo” but only because the owner is willing to throw in the dog with the deal! 😉