Good morning! Today I’m not giving you any good choices. That’s just how it is sometimes: you want to go see a matinee, and the only things playing are a documentary on the history of lutefisk, or a Pauly Shore movie. You pay $15 for a beer at a concert, and the only choices are Michelob Ultra or some local IPA that smells like feet. The cruel blogger writing about crappy cars makes you choose between two hideous late-malaise-era luxury cars. You get the idea.
Yesterday, I showed you two rarely-seen versions of cars that used to be everywhere, and boy, were you all mean to that poor Dodge Shadow. I know it was pretty scruffy, but “trash”? “Sadness manifest”? Jeez. Tell me how you really feel. The vote was just about as lopsided as I’ve ever seen.
I agree that that Chevy Blazer is a good deal, but I just don’t have any use for it. It’s just a smaller version of the GMC Yukon that’s already in our driveway. Besides, that Shadow reminds me of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree, or the tail-less black cat we rescued from the Humane Society last fall. It just needs some love, is all. But I’d try to talk them down to $1,500.
The American car industry was obviously a mess in the early 1980s, but you sort of have to give them points for trying. Horsepower was a distant memory, and build quality was a joke, but the marketing departments were in full-swing, touting technological advancements that promised a break from the doldrums of the previous decade. Actual technological levels were all over the place; digital dashboard gauges displayed vital stats for carbureted engines, but that hardly mattered. Unearned optimism and empty promises were all the rage, and boy, did these cars deliver.
But what about now? Have they reached the age where they can be considered ironically cool? Whoever priced these two certainly seems to think so. Or are they just used-up old crap, best left in a decade that gave us good music, but shitty cars? Let’s take a look, and then you can decide.
1983 Cadillac Seville – $4,500
Engine/drivetrain: 4.1-liter overhead valve V8, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Cocoa, FL
Odometer reading: 88,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Cadillac tried so hard in the 70s and 80s to shed its old-people image, and nothing worked. The first-generation Seville was successful, and actually a pretty good car, but it didn’t attract the young buyers GM was hoping for. This second generation wasn’t aimed at young buyers; actually I’m not sure who it was aimed at. It’s built on a modern-ish front-wheel-drive platform, but its styling is supposed to evoke the great old Cadillacs of the 1930s. Or something. My dad once said he thought it looked like they ran over the back end of the clay model with a steamroller.
The Seville was powered by a variety of disastrous engines: the notorious Oldsmobile 350 diesel, Cadillac’s clever but unreliable V8-6-4, and the “High Technology” 4100 V8, which is what this one has. It’s prone to head and intake manifold gasket leaks, failing oil pumps, and overheating – but it’s still the good choice for these cars. The seller says this one runs smoothly and has no issues, at least at the moment. It has only covered 14,000 miles in the last thirty-four years, but has had some recent work done.
Inside, it’s pure old-school Cadillac, with lots of fake wood, real leather, and power features operated by chrome buttons and switches. At least, most of them operate something; two of the power windows don’t work, and neither do the windshield wipers or the radio. The air conditioning, however, is ice cold.
The sloping “bustleback” rear end styling is this car’s most distinctive feature, for better or worse. I guess I don’t mind it, and the two-tone paint actually works pretty well on it, but then someone had to go and stick that idiotic fake convertible “carriage” top on it. It’s the automotive equivalent of a bad toupee, and like all cars so afflicted, it would look so much better without it. The seller says the top needs to be replaced; I say it needs to be removed and utterly destroyed. When you take the carriage top off, you can fix a few rust spots that are popping out, and then repaint it. I’m not sure an ’83 Seville is worth all that trouble, though.
1984 Chrysler Executive Limousine – $6,500
Engine/drivetrain: 2.6-liter overhead cam inline 4, three-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Gilberts, IL
Odometer reading: 190,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
Here’s the answer to a question no one asked: What would happen if you turned a K-car into a factory stretch limo? I mean, I guess making a front-wheel-drive car into a limousine makes sense; you don’t have to mess with the drivetrain at all. But was anybody clamoring for an extra-long LeBaron? Clearly not; Chrysler only sold about 1,700 of these things in four years. Even I, K-car enthusiast/apologist that I am, don’t really see the point of these things.
Part of the problem is that when this car came out, Chrysler didn’t have the firepower to really make it work. The Mitsubishi-sourced 2.6 liter four-cylinder was the “big” engine in the LeBaron, but it wasn’t up to the task of hauling around an extra few hundred pounds. That didn’t stop someone from putting this one to work; it has covered 190,000 miles, slowly. The seller says it runs and drives well, and has had a lot of recent work.
As strange as the idea may be, this is an honest-to-Iacocca limousine, complete with a divider between the front and rear passenger compartments. In back, it has a big soft bench seat, and two rear-facing jump seats, which I guess is where your hired muscle sits? I think it also has a TV, based on the presence of one of those boomerang-shaped antennas on the trunk lid. It looks like it’s in good condition inside, but it’s anyone’s guess how much of the power stuff still works. The seller doesn’t offer a lot of information.
It’s nice and shiny outside, but there’s a little bit of rust starting to appear along the bottom edge of the vinyl top. I didn’t know until I started researching these that they were actually made from LeBaron coupes, with 30 inches added to the middle. The front doors are from a four-door LeBaron, and the rear doors are the coupe doors, modified to fit. It’s another example of making something new from the same old stuff, which, even if you think the end product is ridiculous, you have to admit is clever.
Yes, these cars are absurd, sloppily made, and grossly underpowered, but either one would be a conversation-starter in the right company. And I’m sure they’re both pretty comfy to ride in. So what do you think – would you choose the oddly-shaped Caddy with the electrical gremlins, or the overgrown LeBaron with delusions of grandeur?
That Cadillac at least would be a decent daily driver to someone. I guess you could take the limo on road-trips and stuff,but I really don’t see the use for it.
Wow, just as I finished listening to some original Depesh Mode and B’52,s, and was all about missing the 80’s, I came across this article. Thats when I had to see these shit cars to remind me that the 80s period, synth music, malls, eyeliner wearing guys, and big big hair, wasn’t 100% wonderful. The Seville is just weird looking and no way could a 4 banging limo, don’t care if its oh so 80’s ‘turbo” equipped, gonna drag my fat ass cigar smoking wanna be CEO around. Hard pass on both. That Chrysler looks like a velvet lined wiener dog. The Seville apparently lost half it’s ass in a prison riot.
HT4100? Big nope. Yeah, I know it’s still running after all these years, but nope. And yeah, I know that Mitsubishi 2.6 is no treat, but I’d rather have that.
That said, factoring in engine swaps in either one to something better, more powerful, etc … I might have to take the Caddy.
Neither of these cars is good, but the Chrysler doesn’t have that stupid ugly bustle-back so it gets my vote, even though it’s probably quite terrible otherwise.
Glad I’m not the only one whose reaction to those prices was to do a double-take. Those things are one-foot-in-the-grave relics.
I have a factory body repair manual for the K-Limousine. Will never own one, but saw it and had to buy it.
At the time of my voting, only 4 votes separated the two. You picked a good one to do!
My vote for the Caddy narrowed it to a 3 vote difference. What utterly wretched cars. Lol
They’re both $1200-$1500 cars. I couldn’t imagine paying a premium more than either is worth to get the Chrysler, so I reluctantly chose the Cadillac.
Priced equally, I would have picked the limo because I really love extra cabin space and wish every sedan was available in a LWB version. And not just a 4 or 6 inch stretch. A real LWB version.
For the right price, kit the limo with a 12v cooler style fridge and have a nice way to get to sporting events and concerts, as well as a way to have a long, casual road trip vacation. You’re certainly not capable of any high-strung driving with the four cylinder 2.6 under the hood.
I actually don’t mind the looks of the Seville that much, but given these two examples, I’ll take the LeBaron. I think it could be a show stopper at a Radwood event.
Those prices are both absurd. Each car is maybe, MAYBE, a $2,000 car, at best.
The crazy limo gets my vote. That Caddy’s roof is just a bridge too far for me.
The limo gets my vote. This would become the kids’ favorite ride with a big screen tv mounted behind the front seats, a game console, mini fridge, and plenty of legroom.
I kind of like the Caddy; the limo would be hilarious(ly terrible but still hilarious); and neither strikes me as being worth anything even close to what the sellers are asking.
LeBaron, because I hate the bodystyle of that Seville with every fiber of my being.
I’d be so much more into that Chrysler if it didn’t have the 2.6 in it.
I have to take the Ultimate K-Car for the sheer irony of the thing. But even in these inflationary times, that price has one too many zeros in it.
The Cadillac needs to be killed with fire, it is an affront to my very nature.
Pretty much in line with the reasoning. The Chrysler because of the “but why?” factor.
I love sloppy old American barges, but damn this is like picking which STD you’d like to be haunted by.
The Seville earned my vote because I distinctly remember it as a strong supporting character in all the Alex Delaware (crime solving psychologist in Los Angeles who lived in Sherman Oaks) books from Jonathan Kellerman. Even in the world of 1990s literature, his 1979 model had been through 3 engines.
Bonus points for it: my three year old’s favorite Hot Wheels car for a while was a bustle back Seville and that is hilarious to me.
The limo is definitely funnier, but lord is it expensive. If it were significantly cheaper, I think you’ve got the start for a kitschy limo service company that only offers absurd cars. Or it could be a hilarious tail-gate car with the buddies. Maybe a solid Lemons Rally contender? Again, though, the price.
It just isn’t worth it at that price, with that many miles, and with the amount of real estate it would take up considering it would not be driven much.
That Seville is pretty well roached. Drivers seat tells me that is not 14k original miles, the odometer has rolled over at least once. And all the rust issues under that ugly/worn carriage top, HELL NO!!!
That being said I really do love these bustle back Sevilles. They are the world’s most beautiful turd in HT4100 form(82-85 years) Seriously if I had f u money Id buy an 80 or 81 model with the Cadillac big block v8. Those are harder to find due to the early 80s recession/oil crisis, they sold about 10 times more awful HT4100 cars when the economy bounced back.
Both are wishfully over-priced.
Despite having owned a Peugeot 504, which may have been the inspiration for the Cadillac’s bustle butt, I never liked it visually.
I had an ’84 Dodge Reliant station wagon as a news car for five years and it wasn’t bad. Better than everything I had hauled TV news gear around in before it.
(The 80-something Fiat Ducato van I rented in Italy for 10 days was pretty cool, too. But that’s another story.)
Anyway, today, the limo version got my vote.
The engine compartment photos for both were surprisingly not scary.
When I was a kid my dentist drove one of those Sevilles, and my dad always insisted that the inspiration for its styling was “a dog’s hind end”.
…while it was taking a dump.
Both are clearly garbage, but the Chryslimo is extra pointless. Nobody is going to chauffeur me around. And I certainly don’t intend on being someone else’s driver.
So I guess I’d take the one with the gutless V8?
I can’t even see the Le Baron without reminding the orange dude. All the fakery, such a dismal performance. A wanna-be-mobile. At least it should save gas regardin the other turd.
The other turd is a bustle-back Seville.
You were cruel today, Mr. Mark.
Even though the back is ugly, I’ll take the Seville…at least it has a V8. The limo is neat, but it’s still a junk K car
“But was anybody clamoring for an extra-long LeBaron?”
Jon Voight?
Also:
“You think I’ve never ridden in a Cadillac? I’ve ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times, THOUSANDS!”
Chrysler for its weirdness. Imagine converting one of these into a ute!
I could conceive of buying either as the basis for a ridiculous project:
I have commented here before how I accidentally discovered that the “bustleback” Seville’s wheelbase and track are only about a half inch off from that of a CTS sedan, and how awesome and hilarious it would be for someone to perform the world’s funniest body swap with one of each.
The Lebaron limo? I’d paint it green, install official-looking US flags on the fenders, give it phony military lettering, and turn it into a “Cannonball Run 2” hero car tribute.
The main problem is, I don’t have the tools or the space or the skills or the money to do the first, and absolutely no desire to do the second. Therefore, I vote none of the above.
I guess you can cram a 5-pcs Export in the LeBaron and still get four fellas inside.
I just realized that the Chrysler Executive limo (220.5″ length, 131.3″ wheelbase) has very similar dimensions to the Cadillac Celestiq (217.2″ length, 130.2″ wheelbase). Somewhere out there, some well-to-do individual with a chauffeur, questionable taste and very long legs is excited that there’s finally something to buy to replace their aging Chrysler.
Gimme the Chrysler so I can live that Logan lifestyle. “Hey! Careful! Those are chrome lug nuts. They scratch easy.”