Steyr drivers, am I right? Is there any group of drivers with a worse reputation for parking, here in our bold modern age? I don’t think so. Grab anyone by the upper arm in any major American city, press a folded dish towel soaked in chloroform to their face, stuff them into a large duffel bag, cram them into your trunk, drive them to an abandoned warehouse in the old ham-packing district on the outskirts of town, wake them up with a splash of water to the face, and ask them what kinds of cars the people who park the most senselessly is, and I guarantee they’ll shout out a crisp, clear “Steyr!” You know I’m right!
Maybe they’d say Steyr-Puch, but that’s fine, we’re talking about the same basic thing here. Steyr-Diamler-Puch really hasn’t built passenger cars since 1959 or so, and they mostly built licensed Fiats, though their version of the 500 used their own engine design, an air-cooled flat twin with an upright fan that really looked like a subscale Volkswagen Beetle or Porsche 356 engine.
Seriously, look at it:
It’s that curved fan shroud that does it. But I’m getting off track! I’m here to talk about what shit parkers Steyr drivers are!
I mean, look at this:
Yeah, that’s just fine, Lampshade, just park your car right on the edge of the fucking pool. Who’s going to mind? In fact, why don’t you leave it idling, let those kids really enjoy a heady lungful of rich, creamery exhaust. You can dive in right from the door!
Do Steyr drivers just hate to walk? Like, any distance? Can you park any closer to your table, ma’am?
You’re blocking the whole road, ma’am. The whole damn thing, and I’m not even sure you can drive there, right next to the water. Why’d you stop there? There’s people trying to get to their yachts! Rich people! Move it!
Oh yeah, good job. Way to go. It’s pretty great how you managed to park at a 45° angle from that curb, sir. We were all worried you weren’t going to block enough of that sharp corner, but I can see our worries were for naught.
Miss! Miss! That’s a park. You can’t park here. Squirrels live there. I think you’re on someone’s picnic!
Great work, buddy, just a few more inches and you’ll be completely in those shrubs.
Hey, um, everybody, you don’t have to follow Urinal Rules when parking in a huge, empty lawn. You can get closer, stupid. Why are you all the way out there?
Oh, for fuck’s sake, that’s not what I meant. All of you are blocking walkways, and the maroon car is just sort of taking up that whole intersection, and these are all walking paths and – I don’t know why I bother.
Hey! Hey! You’re on the runway! You can’t park here! There’s planes landing! Hey!
Dammit, that’s cartoonland. You can’t park a real car in an illustrated world. It’s illegal. Now take your Steyr and get the hell out of here, all five of you well-dressed assholes. Move it!
Never stop being yourself, Torch.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Now THIS is especially my favorite kind of Torch article…hilarious + silly…some of the funniest ones also involve a cult…or Dodge Colt ha ha…keep up the great work!
Hmm that kidnap step-by was kinda specific. Fess up, anyone in your trunk right now?
Hopefully the poolside/in the pool ladies haven’t died of skin cancer.
My brother and I had Steyr-Puch one-speed bicycles in our youth and learned how to replace their somewhat fragile coaster brakes (because we certainly abused them).
My wife and I rode up to the top of a long multi-tier zip line in Alaska in the back of Pinzgauer. It wasn’t a smooth ride, but considering the terrain we were climbing, on a muddy day, it was pretty impressive.
So maybe dial down the hate on Steyr, Jason. I see far more annoying parking jobs by big pickups and Chrysler 300s.
Pinzgauers and Haflingers are specifically designed to be capable of parking in the most ridiculous places.
being really competent offroad is just a helpful side effect from pursuing that goal.