We’ve discussed the Tesla Diner before (I forgot this thing was first discussed way back in 2023) and even sent our own Griffin out to case the joint and taste the food, but I think we missed what has to be the biggest, most important story about this electric automaker-run diner, which is that the image they use of their $13 hot dog is an absolute nightmarish embarrassment. It looks like the sort of hot dog one might construct if you had zero familiarity with hot dogs, buns, or human food in general, and had a hot dog described to you over a walkie-talkie. Poorly.
I’m not saying that the actual hot dogs served there are this bad – we’ll look at an example of those in a bit – but I am saying that the hot dog they selected to represent all of Tesla Hotdogdom on their menu is an unmitigated hot dog disaster that should never have been released unto the eyes of the hot dog-desiring public.
Let me show you what I mean. This is a screenshot directly from the Tesla Diner website:
Look at that thing! A strangely thin and blistery hot dog, strangely ultra-turgid, laying atop a barely-opened, untoasted, unyielding-looking bun. Look at that ridiculous assembly! How would you even eat that? Push the damn hot dog into the bun, like a human fucking being, Tesla Diner!
Look how much space is under that dog; there’s a whole valley, a valley of emptiness, of nothingness, that longs to be filled with delicious sausage but is instead left void and wanting. This is a ridiculous-looking hot dog.
This is actually the second hot dog picture featured on the menu, after the first one was replaced sometime around when the whole menu itself was drastically shrunk. Here’s what the first one looked like:
It’s a little better, because the carefully-applied relish and mustard hide the stiff hot dog’s strangeness, and perhaps the condimental weight has forced the dog a bit further into the bun. But this one is gone, replaced by this abomination:
The only way I can think of that this photo could be worse is if they did it like this:
As it is, though, it looks less like a hot dog and more like the handlebars on a Big Wheel:
What’s baffling is that there’s no good reason for this hot dog image to be so bad. They could have actually shoved the hot dog into the bun where it belongs instead of precariously perching it atop the bun, like how I imagine a serial killer makes their hot dogs. Even the supplier of Tesla’s hot dogs, Snap-o-Razzo, understands how to construct and photograph a hot dog better. This is from their website:
Look, the dog is actually encased in the bun, some toppings and condiments are applied, and those look like delicious hot dogs, not some clunky attempt at a sculpture that “suggests hotdogism.”
And, of course, it’s worth noting that the legendary Costco hot dog, one that costs $11.50 less than the Tesla Diner-dog, has a decently-appealing photograph on their menu board:
Sure, that Costco dog feels pretty staged, but at least the hot dog is inside the damn bun, and you could actually hold and eat it without the hot dog itself bouncing off and rolling onto the ground like a tiny log, never to be seen again.
Then, of course, there’s also the fact that I think deep down everyone really was hoping for a low-polygon Cyberdog:
Now, you may be thinking, “Jason, you drooling simpleton! What qualifications do you have to judge the quality of anyone’s food photography? Your pictures of food look like puke in bowls!” and yes, you’re not wrong there. So we reached out to a real food stylist and chef, Tiffany Senin, showed her the Tesla Diner hot dog pictures, and here’s what this food photography professional had to say in an informal text conversation:
“Hot dog looks charred to shit…[that] hot dog looks like it was charred into space.
My frustration with hot dogs is that the bun to dog ration is always off. Like more bun to dog, I feel like the only way this would be appetizing at all is if you folded the hot dog in half and doubled up the meat. Like, why so long? And no condiments, either?
Oh, also the bun’s not toasted so that’s a dry-ass bun. A Costco hot dog is more appealing and you don’t need to wait five hours for it.”
I’m sort of surprised she didn’t zero in on the dog just slapped atop, not really inside, the bun, as all of us on staff here noticed immediately, but her points are entirely valid nevertheless.
In the interest of fairness, I should note that video evidence suggests the hot dog isn’t nearly as absurd looking in reality:
So, in reality, it looks more like a normal hot dog, even if it is a bit “mid” as the dude there called it “Elon’s glizzy.”
But that just makes this all more baffling; clearly they’re capable of making a non-idiotic-looking hot dog. So why did this ridiculous dork-dog end up as the literal poster child for Tesla Diner hot dogs?
This all feels deeply un-American, and I hope Tesla addresses this problem immediately.
My guess is the Tesla hot dog photo wasn’t a photo at all- it was AI. Possibly the same AI that will be powering the self-driving feature the cars any day now.
That is seriously weird.
Of course Elon did that.
I have learned to dress the groove….MAYBE with mustard on top. Way less messy
The groove, as in the valley along the bottom of the bun? That’s a good idea on paper, but it makes a rather generous assumption that the bun won’t split in half. Think of it like a hamburger, or any other sandwich. You wouldn’t put the toppings on the side, just hanging out in space. No, you put the toppings inside, between the meat and the flat side of the bun. The Costco hotdog is modeling this nicely (though perhaps a bit overstuffed).
Aww man, now Cyberdog is forever ruined in my head and I can never shop there again! Also, I would literally rather eat a gas station hot dog.
The Tesladog looks like a hot dog you’d find at a 7-11, which has been rotating on one of those spindles for like ten years. It looks so old and dry. And why would you advertise it without a single condiment? A little squiggly line of mustard goes a long way in a photo like this.
As a side-note, I love onions on hot dogs, but the sheer amount of onions (and relish) on the Costco dog picture is truly heroic. That’s going to be hard to eat, and it’s going to be tasty, but your breath is going to be awful for like a week.
Wasn’t there a Simpsons joke where Homer was the only person to EVER buy a dog off the roller.
For a hot dog from what was until recently The EV company, it sure does look like it’s spent a long, looooooonnng time on the gas station roller grill.
“Oh, also the bun’s not toasted so that’s a dry-ass bun.”
I’m not sure if I can accept your expert with that comment. Toasting dries out bread, that is why people, other than Elwood, put butter or jam on it. Since there is no way Elon would spend the money on real butter or the labor to apply it to the bun, it is a good thing that it isn’t toasted.
I think they meant it more like “that bun looks dry, and it’s not even toasted”, or more bluntly, “dang, that’s a plain, cheap, stale bun”
The pictured and real life video dogs look just as nasty and burnt as, I so dubbed, “Wrinkled Warriors,” they severed us in elementary school lunches.
It looks like a Tesla yoke steering wheel. Probably tastes the same, too.
I feel like they did it intentionally to look like the Tesla logo.
The diner needs gyros, soup, and come on, at least make it the thick-ass quarter pounder dog LOL
A few thoughts on Teslaburger:
Boring Company fixed the SoCal traffic congestion so it’s easy to get there now.
Building the facility with recycled material bricks from above gets maximum Social Credit points.
Having Optibots do all the labor is a a total game changer.
Selling a $13 dollar hotdog and $12 for four strips of bacon is way more profitable than selling cars.
Locations opening soon nationwide subject to regulatory approval.
Seems pricey and not well executed. I’m not sure what the going rate is for a hotdog in la is but is has to be less then that. The location is interesting I guess maybe was unquie when they announced it 8 years ago but doesn’t warrent captive audience stadium or theme park pricing. Kind of surprised there isnt some kind of Texas curry wurst thing happening where they get some kind of ausin butcher to make speciality sausages with Texas raised livestock. Leroy and Lewis x Tesla or something
A few artful suggestions
1. That dog on top of the bun makes me think of 2 things: Snoopy on his doghouse and Subway sandwiches when they first came out. Remember they cut a little triangle out of the top put on very little ingredients and put the triangle back.
2. While the dog looks overcooked the Costco dog looks like it was boiled so no grill no taste not any better
3. The final picture may have a decent dog but is the guy eating it some gang banger Holding 90 degrees on its side like their guns, where the ingredients will fall out.
Counter to 2: If they’re cheap hotdogs, then dirty water boiling is the way to do it. If they’re good hotdogs, then it’s more of a toss up, leaning towards grilling.
Costco doesn’t have the diced onion dispenser anymore and for that, I boycott.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You are correct that onion dispenser went away during COVID but diced onions are back, they are just in little portion containers, in a bin, on the pickup counter, well at least if they haven’t run out. The thing is that portion container has way more than I put on and end up throwing 1/2 of it away every time.
I’m instantly reminded of convenience store hotdogs rolling around in those glass ovens for who knows how many days. Yuck!
If we are talking about hot dogs, you should try a Sonoran hotdog. Bacon wrapped sausage with a homemade bun and a bunch of toppings, chef kiss.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonoran_hot_dog
Hot dog: whatever
Martin’s Potato Roll bun: hell yeah.
Martin’s potato rolls/buns are a staple in my house whether it’s for hot dogs or burgers. They are so good.
Same here. Honestly have a hard time buying any other buns,
This is exactly what I imagined a racist hot dog would look like.
Mention this to your psychiatrist you need help. Jk
> I’m sort of surprised she didn’t zero in on the dog just slapped atop, not really inside, the bun, as all of us on staff here noticed immediately, but her points are entirely valid nevertheless.
I didn’t notice the valley of nothingness until you pointed it out, and I’m shocked such a low % of this story is devoted to the length ratio. I’m with Tiffany.
One red onion one white, very finely diced, a smooshed fat garlic clove and raw butter, very low heat and parchment pushed down quite firmly. Give it an hour. Venison sausage, in a hot(ish ) oven, Pork and sage sausage fried in a shallow skillet of beef dripping until golden all over. Still warm from the oven, spelt, rye and wheat bread. Slice the bread into thickish slices, apply butter and a light coating of proper grown up mustard. Slice the sausages in half lenghtwise, and put them on one slice of the bread, curved side then flat side, pork then bambi then pork, It gets easier with practice. The oniony garlicy gloop goes on the sausage layer now put the other bit of bread on top, if you have a Methuselah grill about forty seconds at full is good, if no grill it is still a very yummy sausage sarnie. Some of us know how to eat sausages.
Yeah the best thing about the hot dog is it’s simplicity. I bet your Mac and cheese has more than 2 ingredients and after you add all the spices cost $100
Technically, Mac and Cheese needs five main ingredients, plus seasoning. Macaroni, cheese, flour, cream (half and half if you are on a diet) and butter. But by the time I buy the five fancy cheeses I use for mine, it costs about $35 for enough to feed a dozen people or more. My annual contribution to Friendsgiving.
Usually, I add two more – panko crumbs and crumbled bacon, for the topping.
ah yes, a fellow dairy-savant who recognizes that it is truly macaroni & cheeses.
(I’ll add roasted peppers, the hotter the better, as my bonus ingredient – along with that panko ‘n’ bacon, please!)
Honestly, bread crumbs in mac ‘n cheese is underrated. I’ll admit that I’m usually too lazy to do it, but it’s like parmesan on your spaghetti & sauce, it just makes it.
Do you really want my recipe for Mac and cheese? It has more the two things in it, comte cheese is a given, mixed with aged cheddar and emmenthal. just a bit of grated truffle, cream and sharp riesling, butter and scorched flour roux, more than you think, add some whole milk, then the cream, keep stirring a lot, this should be very thick and smooth, like running a spoon through dense velvet, , now add the truffles and a good grind of fresh white pepper and a teeny touch of fresh ground nutmeg, stir and set aside.
Making pasta is a whole book, so, good macaroni, big big pan, furiously boilng water, a generous pinch of sea salt, and then chuck the macaroni in. Take two minutes off the packet recommended time. Drain and submerge the macaroni in very cold water,
Gently gently reheat the sauce, stirring all the way, add the cheeses and the wine, slowly, keep stirring, from dense velvet to silk. Now add the pasts, stir gently and transfer into an oven-proof dish and top with a 50/50 quarter inch layer of breadcrumbs and Parmesan . Bake at 180 until golden brown on the top , leave to cool slightly whilst shredding the meat from the slow roasted (with garlic and rosemary) ham hocks that you have prepared earlier.
This sounds utterly fantastic! I’m going to have to try this. Thank you!
Wow that sounds amazing! What time should we all be over this Saturday?
Anytime after midday, I shall make some extra sausages!
My handle isn’t just a joke- I really am the Sausage King of Chicago. I have spent 20 years in the restaurant industry and currently own and operate a food truck that only serves hot dogs and sausages. That makes me uniquely qualified to comment on some of the points made:
Food prep fail. Photo fail. Pricing fail.
Adding: The Snap-O-Razzo website recommends cooking at low heat on a flat top grill, steaming or microwaving. Char grilling not listed as a recommended cooking method.
These are the kind of deep dives I come to this site for. Thank you sausage king for providing a window into the world of hotdogs
Wow, we have genuine hot dog ROYALTY among the Autopians! Hello, Hot Dog King!
Kind of hard to believe Abe didn’t comment on the recent Joey Chestnut article!
Always appreciate someone with expertise in some area to share their knowledge. Didn’t know half that stuff about hot dogs.
*insert not sure if serious Fry gif* or if everyone is falling for the Ferris Buller screen name and Sausage King of Chicago joke.
Playing along have some fun
Hey you better leave before I have to get snooty
Say hi to Gordon Frohman for me!
I have a hard time believing the sausage king of Chicago can’t roll out a couple Benjamins for pictures. But if so run a contest people submit their photos of their purchase in front of your truck and the best gets free dogs for a month. Find one you like and drum up business while doing it. The Abe I have heard about would have thought of this. I do admit you have an encyclopedia knowledge of dogs and sausage
Chicago hot dog outfits are very interesting. One of the most famous dog joints in Chicagoland, Gene & Jude’s, is a cash-only business operating out of a thoroughly vintage building. No photos of the dogs or anything, either. It’s actually pretty great!
WOW that is cool!
I love The Autopian. We have the best commenters right next to Defector.
Elon Musk made them use Grok for all the menu images, menu text, and recipes.
I ate a $1 IKEA hot dog today that wasn’t great, but looked better than this.
Costco dogs FTW, every day, all day. $13 for <$1 worth of hot dog, LOL.
As a man who has eaten enough hot dogs to be in real danger of some form of nitrate poisoning/possibly mildly embalmed, that thing is an abomination.