How do you like your gall? Unmitigated? I hope so, because that’s what I’m serving up today. Pure, frothy, deep-roasted unmitigated gall, aged to perfection over four decades. This is a maddening tale of how GM – arguably one of the best engineering companies ever – somehow managed to penny-pinch their way to craphood, and then how GM’s ad and brochure copywriters had to try and spin that into something good.
Yes, I’m here to talk about the rear door windows in the 1978 to 1983 GM A- and G-body cars. The ones that didn’t roll down.
I’ve written about these before, with similar disbelieving vitriol, because these were cars that I spent a lot of my childhood in the back seats of, in the hot, humid Southeastern United States, where being trapped in the back of a big sedan or wagon with vinyl seats and no A/C was like reenacting the cooking process of a Siu Mai dumpling. Being in the back of these cars suuuuuuuuuucked.
Now, I’ve heard a number of reasons why GM made the decision to make four-door sedans and wagons with rear door windows that wouldn’t roll down, the most common of which was that they wanted to have the rear door armrests be recessed into the door to maximize room.
What? What kind of bullshit is that? The one thing these boxy barges had was room; what they didn’t have was any good way to get airflow into those back seats. Sure, they had little vent windows, but those barely helped, and were just a kick in the ‘nads when you could see that vast acreage of glass that refused to budge.
Even in the back of cars owned by friends whose parents weren’t cheapskates and sprung for A/C, it’s not like there were AC vents in the back; they were up front, blocked by a big bench seat and the people in them, absorbing all the cool air.
Let’s be real here: GM did this because they were cheap. And that cheapness wasn’t just for the low-end Chevys, even moving up to a Pontiac Bonneville or Oldsmobile or Buick wouldn’t save you.
Yes, even the ones that had half-vinyl roofs. All the class in the world won’t keep you from getting asphyxiated.
But what really really chaps my once-sweaty ass about this is how the brochures described the rear door window situation:
Here, let me find another brochure with a little clearer text:
“…allows the use of new rear door design with large, fixed picture windows.”
The fuck does that even mean? Allows? Oh, thanks. “Picture windows” means what, the windows are clear? Fantastic. Great job. And “allows for easy entry and exit?” Who exactly was having trouble getting in and out of cars where the windows rolled down? This is a made-up problem. No one reading this was thinking “oh good, no more embarrassment when I can’t manage to get into a car that has windows that roll down.”
And what do they mean by a “new dual-mode ventilation system?” What’s the duality? The front gets ventilation and the rear gets fuck-all? Is that it? I guess that’s a sort of yin-yang duality there.
Also, “draft-free ventilation?” I’m not even sure what that means? Isn’t a draft just moving air? Isn’t that just ventilation? I think I’d rather they just leaned even harder into it and called the fixed windows Swell-Ter-Matic Secure-Air Stiflewindows or some shit like that.
I suppose it’s not really the copywriters’ fault. They were handed a real shit sandwich and asked to make it appealing, and they did the best they could.
I blame whatever bean counters were at GM that decided they needed to squeeze a few more cents out of these cars, with zero regard for the fact that they were going to build full-sized sedans and wagons with rear windows that were stubbornly stuck in place. Why did people accept this? What was our problem?
It was a different time, I suppose.
Picture windows. Ugh.
Born in ’75, so while my parents never owned one of these GM masterpieces, I can still clearly recall my amazement at the stupidity of having rear windows that could not roll down.
Quick question: Maybe I’m mistaken, but couldn’t the windows go down if you selected power windows?? I thought I’ve seen that little square window switch made by the millions on some of the door panels on these A-bodies??
The rear ones opened the little flipper vents!
I hear you Jason:
My parents bought a special ordered 1978 red Buick Regal Wagon, sans A/C. I spent the next decade suffering in the back even with my horrible car sickness problems. I distinctly recall my mom saying that the rear window didn’t roll down because of it being a safety feature per the salesman. I thought all new cars had this feature. Even as a 9 year old, I knew it was a pile of bogus crap. Not one of my friends ever fell out of a back window even once!
Years later I realized that No, this factoid wasn’t true and ALL other cars had functioning rear windows. One of my many childhood experiences that scarred me.
Copywriter: So, you’re telling me I have to make the fact that the goddamn back windows don’t roll down into a positive?
long drag off cigarette
Fine.
They should’ve use sliders like Renault used back then with the 4. Sliding windows don’t have a regulator taking up space.
Is it possible to swap in the motor/regulator from a later G-body that does have non-fixed windows?
50 years later GM keeps making stupid decisions. Why did we bail them out again?
https://cdn.lesanciennes.com/c/7/c77560f4e48e4952fdbe9d781ed06736.jpg
All A- and G-Body RWD sedans and wagons had fixed rear windows.
My family had an Oldsmobile with this ludicrous feature. I was told that it was safety feature meant to protect naifs like myself from our own all but irresistible urge to leap out of moving vehicles. It was particularly galling to me because the Oldsmobile replaced a Chevy Caprice four-door hardtop, a car with no B-pillar that GM still managed to engineer with four fully retractable windows.
I was told that was why rear-seat windows only went down 1/2 to 2/3 of the way. For safety.
By 1979, the United States had learned from its heinous mistakes in Vietnam and thankfully put an end to the draft for what we hope to be forever. Thanks to this patriotic development, General Motors was indeed able to offer draft-free ventilation.
COTD
I think “draft-free ventilation” is one of the more honest things in those ads. The ventilation available to the rear seat involves no air movement, thus it is free from drafts. Get it? “We didn’t lie, we just omitted certain truths.”
I like how the premise of this, almost feels like you’re buying a brand new car, that’s already broken. I’ve spent time in the back seat of a number of vehicles with broken rear window regulators or whatever. This was the ultimate sign that you were driving around what I would call “a real piece of shit”.
But if you were buying a GM back then, you were paying for the privilege of it being “a real piece of shit” directly from the factory.
At least you don’t have to worry about the window regulators breaking? We all know how expensive those things are. Another feature!!
Sometimes that’s the only option. It’s so rare to find mitigated gall anywhere these days. Whole Foods stopped selling it and the stuff on Amazon is just blobfish spleen with a little bit of food coloring.
COTD!
We’ve come for your liver! Don’t muck about! You signed the live donor card!
Mitigating gall is so easy though. Pour in a little wine vinegar, shake it around and pour it out before cooking.
Rumor has it that when these designs were first shown to management the back door window appearance did not please the CEO who told the team to “make sure they got those windows fixed.” So they did.
*golf clap* 🙂
I’m writing this comment from the back of a 1983 Bonneville, where my scrotal flesh heat-melded with the vinyl over 40 years ago. Doctors gave me the option of removing my entire lower half or living in the car. Given the incredible views from the picture windows, I chose the car.
COTD!
(again)
You must have a garage, or else the Pontiac would have rotted away from around you.
Not gonna ask how your scrotal flesh got in direct contact with the vinyl. I hope it at least involved a partner. I hope.
Do you remember how short shorts were in 83?
Your images are showing two different generations of cars. The earlier A-Body cars had a separate swing out vent window in the C-pillar as shown in the cutaway, whereas the later G-Body cars had a solid C-pillar and moved the vent window into the door itself, as shown on the other photos. At least on the later cars that window was kinda next to a rear seat passenger instead of behind them.
I fixed that! It should be fixed!
Just opened this article in an incognito browser and the lede image is an A-Body Century fastback, then a G-Body Malibu sedan, then a G-Body Bonneville, finally the A-Body Malibu cutaway.
Your point about the windows is completely valid either way, just saying the later cars were a *little* better that way.
Wagons were that way all along. The formal roof was a crash project done on the cheap when the fastbacks flopped, so it used the wagon windows.
Notice how the angle of the window post echoes the wagon D pillar, and nothing else on that misbegotten 3-box.
Huh, TIL. I never realized the wagons had the vents in the doors all along, but of course they do otherwise there’d be no rear opening window at all.
And now you’ll never unsee the odd angle of the opening section. I at least never noticed that when they were a common sight.
I wonder how many times people went shopping for a car back then, walked into the dealership, looked at a fine Pontiac, then, after discovering the fixed windows, laughed and walked right out, down the street and to their local AMC dealer.
I’ve heard anecdotes about people buying these cars, realizing the rear window thing, and then trying to return them, but could be an urban legend.
In a just world, often. In our world, probably not so much. Unless the salesperson was dumb enough to tout this “feature,” my guess is most people discovered it long after purchase when their kid said “mom/dad, how do I get the window to go down?”
This is genius, in an evil way: when people shop cars they check for things that they know are not universal: cruise control, power seats, etc. No one checks for functional rear windows because no one could imagine they wouldn’t roll down. It would be like checking to make sure the car came with a reverse gear.
The only downside is, you can only pull this trick once. And people will remember what you did for decades.
I remember discovering that a used car I bought had a broken window regulator for one of the rear windows long after I bought the car, so there was nothing I could do about it aside from replacing the regulator. When I bought my current car, I made sure to check that all the windows worked. And they did.
It’s one more nail in the coffin of GM’s sales figures. So many people have sworn to never buy a GM product, for so many reasons.
My family had a 79 Malibu Classic and then an 81 Malibu Classic with said windows.
Torch, remember that 40% of adults were smokers at that time. My parents both smoked and that tiny pop-out window did not help. At. All.
Not a fan of gall. So much so I just had my bladder for it removed a few months back.
Speaking of gall, calling GM “one of the best engineering companies ever” doesn’t sound honest. Or perhaps more accurately just horribly out of date. They certainly don’t seem like that now, and haven’t for quite a while.
Ever since the bean counters took over, seemingly back in the oil embargo era, their products have been generally middling to terrible at best (the Chevette was obsolete when the very first one rolled off the assembly line).
Sometimes a gem will escape the corporate sty (the C4 was a marvel for its day; the Impact could have launched an EV revolution long before Tesla came along; etc) until the bean counters re-establish control and ruin it, but all in all, when I think “GM” I don’t think “engineering prowess”. I think “cost shaved to mediocrity”.
I think that first picture is a B-body 88. But. They all look the same.
I got a little chuckle out of the ‘Malibu Power Teams’ in the brochure. GM always wants to be different, in the most inconsequential ways.
One wonders if the J.C. Whitney catalogs offered ways of retrofitting opening windows on those cars. Was that even possible at all??
Are they claiming that the triangular section of the window swings out? I could see that helping a little bit if the front passengers have their windows open, but not much. Those windows sure don’t look like they move either. And they don’t even appear to exist on the pictured Bonneville.
the little vent windows on the rear doors (or behind them on the fastback in the topshot) do. The Bonneville was a mistake I fixed!
Ah I see now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the window situation is still utter shit either way, both earlier non-vent window, and later vent window equipped.