These Are Definitely The Most Ridiculous Headlights Ever Put On A Car

I’ve always said that one of my favorite things about cars is how wonderfully and gleefully irrational they are. They’re not like the other major appliances and tools we use in our lives; we buy them for reasons that aren’t grounded in anything even resembling logic, and as a result, cars can get pretty freaking weird. There’s an example of this that I was reminded of the other day that I just haven’t been able to get out of my head, so I’ll do what I always do and set it free here in a Cold Start, where it can haunt or delight you, depending on your mood.

That example are the Auxiliary Front Lamps that were an option for the 1980 to 1983 Lincoln Continental Mark VI. I’ve actually written about thee before a few years back, but that was for the Old Site, so I think I’m allowed to mention them again here, at our true home.

Here’s what they looked like:

See the big, round headlights there? Well, they have a secret. The secret is this:

They’re not really the headlights. No, they’re basically just glorified parking lights, and the real headlights are dual sealed-beam units underneath them. That’s because the Lincoln Continental Mark VI was very deliberately designed to have covered headlamps, as you can see here:

The covered lights were all part of their classy, tailored look; lots of crisp lines and creases, unbroken planes of glossy, smooth metal, it was all part of a very deliberate look.

But, somehow, people being the irrational beings that we are, someone decided that, no, what this car really needs are big, round, exposed headlamps, so instead of designing a version with exposed lights, they designed a fake set of headlights to put on the covers over the real headlights. The real headlights that they very carefully decided to hide.

This is, of course, absolute madness. It’s so hilariously irrational and absurd! And also, I never could get past just how unfinished the real lights looked under those covers:

That feels pretty half-assed for a luxury car, right? It’s like the inside of a tomato, somehow. No wonder they hid those things in shame.

But the idea of a fake light over deliberately covered real lights is just a concept I can’t get out of my mind. It reminds me of how, in some Orthodox Jewish or Hasidic communities, tradition dictates that married women cover their hair in public, but many women choose to wear wigs as a way to cover, so you have fake hair over real hair, which meets the letter of the rule, but is still somehow an odd workaround.

These lights make me think of that, and I suppose any headlight that makes you think of interesting niche religious practices must be doing something right?

The lights were never a popular option, though, so maybe this was just a step to far down the path of automotive irrationalism. I think these fall into the same silly category as those fake engines used on electric motorcycles to make noise and vibrations.

Silly, yes, but so very human.