I’ve always said that one of my favorite things about cars is how wonderfully and gleefully irrational they are. They’re not like the other major appliances and tools we use in our lives; we buy them for reasons that aren’t grounded in anything even resembling logic, and as a result, cars can get pretty freaking weird. There’s an example of this that I was reminded of the other day that I just haven’t been able to get out of my head, so I’ll do what I always do and set it free here in a Cold Start, where it can haunt or delight you, depending on your mood.
That example are the Auxiliary Front Lamps that were an option for the 1980 to 1983 Lincoln Continental Mark VI. I’ve actually written about thee before a few years back, but that was for the Old Site, so I think I’m allowed to mention them again here, at our true home.
Here’s what they looked like:
See the big, round headlights there? Well, they have a secret. The secret is this:
They’re not really the headlights. No, they’re basically just glorified parking lights, and the real headlights are dual sealed-beam units underneath them. That’s because the Lincoln Continental Mark VI was very deliberately designed to have covered headlamps, as you can see here:
The covered lights were all part of their classy, tailored look; lots of crisp lines and creases, unbroken planes of glossy, smooth metal, it was all part of a very deliberate look.
But, somehow, people being the irrational beings that we are, someone decided that, no, what this car really needs are big, round, exposed headlamps, so instead of designing a version with exposed lights, they designed a fake set of headlights to put on the covers over the real headlights. The real headlights that they very carefully decided to hide.
This is, of course, absolute madness. It’s so hilariously irrational and absurd! And also, I never could get past just how unfinished the real lights looked under those covers:
That feels pretty half-assed for a luxury car, right? It’s like the inside of a tomato, somehow. No wonder they hid those things in shame.
But the idea of a fake light over deliberately covered real lights is just a concept I can’t get out of my mind. It reminds me of how, in some Orthodox Jewish or Hasidic communities, tradition dictates that married women cover their hair in public, but many women choose to wear wigs as a way to cover, so you have fake hair over real hair, which meets the letter of the rule, but is still somehow an odd workaround.
These lights make me think of that, and I suppose any headlight that makes you think of interesting niche religious practices must be doing something right?
The lights were never a popular option, though, so maybe this was just a step to far down the path of automotive irrationalism. I think these fall into the same silly category as those fake engines used on electric motorcycles to make noise and vibrations.
Silly, yes, but so very human.
Oh, they can work as “flash to pass” without waiting three days for the covers to move up. Just reconfigure them with 100,000-candela LED bulbs and a special “Hail Mary” button on the dashboard or in the footwell.
It always amazed me how unfinished the headlight buckets on these super expensive Ford product cars looked once the eyelids went up. Gotta give it to a 60’s Dodge Charger. When the hidden headlights were exposed, no one new they were hidden in the first place. I had a few 77-79 T-birds, they eyelids were vacuum controlled. It would look like the bird was asleep when you parked it. Next day the eyelids would be half or all of the way opened exposing’s Ford’s cheapness. The touring light option on the Mark 6 was like sticking adhesive googly eyes from hobby lobby on the eyelids.. Or Grandma who just got new stigmatism glasses.
I immediately thought of the neo retro Super Fly lights on 70s pimpmobiles
I kind of like those headlights. They provide the opportunity to play Mr Potato Head by adding eyebrows, eyelashes, noses etc.
Kind of want to find one of these and decorate the exposed innards of the headlights to look like an organic bodily orifice.
headlightse?
Dot cx
With a pump to dispense… fluid… when it detects someone looking at it.
It looks very surprised with the fake lights. Surprise! Now I can see!
Growing up we had a neighbor who was a bank VP and always drove Continentals. I remember the covered headlights which I thought were so cool, but I also saw him constantly tinkering with them. My dad was a solid Chevy and GMC guy, and would laugh every time we saw him under the hood of the car.
Jason, I just assumed these were a Neo-Classic era nod to the ungainly-but-unforgettable goggle-eyed 1914 Pierce Arrows.
If I owned one of these I would have to design and 3D print a bezel to clean up the clunky mess around the exposed headlights. Ugh.
right? 25 cents of plastic.
Exactly what I was thinking. With the lights on and uncovered, the area around the headlights just looks so sloppy and unfinished.
A complete lack of attention to detail (particularly for a luxury car) that SHOULD embarrass Ford’s executives and designers.
I just left a similar comment and agree 100% with your opinion.
History suggests American auto execs in the 1970s and 1980s did not embarrass easily.
Agreed. They look terrible when the covers open. It makes you wonder where else they cheaped out when they could get away with it (probably everywhere).
I wonder if their logic was that the only time that area would be visible was in the dark, so who would see it anyway?
This definitely has that “hold my beer” feel to it. You think you can design a headlight cover? Let ME show you how to do a headlight cover…
Again, the really bizarre part is somebody approved this for production. Probably the same folks that thought a fake fabric convertible top on a standard metal roof was a great idea. The amazing thing is those actually sold!
I usually love dumb, nonsensical things in cars, but not this. This is just stupid.
Eyes wide shut!
To really top it off someone needs to put the brightest LED bulbs they can find into these things, and their aim into peoples eyeballs? Meh.
I was actually about to comment that there was one of these running around my area with aftermarket halo lights in those silly cover marker lights. I think the halos were color changing, as sometimes the halo was green and sometimes it was red, but it looked goofy in the probably the best way possible for a light setup like this.
Yeah… if you’re gonna have these goofball fake front marker lights, fully own the absurdity and def do what your neighbor did.
when you can’t decide if you want a dual or quad beam setup. Quad always looks better (to me anyway)
Well, the ’70s stacked quads in place of the old round lamps could be pretty horrid. See ’78 Ford LTDII or ’77 Monte Carlo/Malibu.
I actually dig those.
Had a ’78 LTDII coupe in high school. Love/hate relationship.
Imagine if the uncovered quad beams then flipped up to reveal double quads!!
Wow, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.
Someone finally has the courage to address this!
That’s wild, I had always thought that was an odd design choice, but had no idea that these were actually fake.
Side not, I saw one of these two door Conti’s (pre-fake light model) leaving town after an event last weekend and was struck by what a crisp looking car it is. I love the razor-sharp lines of these.
The one I saw was blue and white, not sure if that was the Bill Blass or Sinatra edition.
That continental is gorgeous. One was parked not far from my house not long ago and I used to see it often. It has presence, and not just because it’s so big.
They couldn’t just expose the real lights, because that would have made it look too much like a lowly Town Car/Town Coupe
It would be more fun it they were Lucas P100 sized
But at least changing the bulbs/housing must have been easy right?
Early 80s cars were not known for their universal beauty.
They were Uncanny Valley things too. At a time when there were only a few standardized headlight designs on every car on the road, these resembled THE most familiar, the original 6″ round singles around since 1940, but were just a bit off in multiple ways that added up.
For some unknowable reason, I really kind of like it. They might be ridiculous, but they serve a purpose.
This is the kind of ugly chintz that will probably show up on the presidential limo soon.
Yo dawg