This Old DeSoto Brochure Looks Like Stills From A Musical That Never Was

I think most of us have had moments where we are thankful that the world doesn’t operate by the rules of musicals. Think of what an ass-pain it would be if every major decision you came to, every emotional moment, every triumph or failure had to be punctuated with a full-throated, heartfelt song that lasted for eight minutes and meant that you and everyone around you had to drop whatever they were doing and join in, singing and dancing in elaborate, choreographed ways!

I assume everyone would have to have already memorized the words and music to the various songs, and evenings are spent in long, sweaty dance practice sessions, leaving you spent and exhausted every night, praying that the next day won’t bring someone realizing that they have a dream or a long lamenting of the unfair circumstances of their life, or something like that.

Plus, once the big numbers are done, there never seems to be any time to just, you know, sit your ass down and breathe heavily and drink some water and rub your sore limbs.

I was thinking about this because this 1959 DeSoto brochure really feels like it’s a bunch of scenes from some musical. I mean, look at this:

This is a hell of a number right here. This is from the song “I Am Your Crossing Guardian,” and featured some elaborate wire work to get the illusion of the hovering schoolgirls, who swung and danced and pirouetted around, seemingly defying gravity as the Crossing Guard belted out his powerful song about duty, honor, and crossing streets.

A quieter number is “Finding Fireflies in the Fireflite,” a duet that takes place in this DeSoto convertible, with a lot of wonderful set design and scenework involving countless projected lights representing the fireflies.

There’s also a huge opening number that sets a lot of the scene for this hypothetical DeSoto-based musical, and it starts with six people and a dog. It sets up the protagonist, Mary Sudsworth, seen there doing her famous “soaphat” bit at the front of the car, while the kids in the back perform this amazing counterpoint song about being crazy kids and fights in the way-back that sets up Mary for her solos.

The soaphat bit kills, by the way with lines like

“It’s a soaphat, not pronounced “so fat” and you better remember that,

because a P and and H don’t always get you an F

so take a breath

and remember that you can’t keep down the soaphat”

Gold, I tell you, it’s gold.

Speaking of gold, check out this golden engine illustration from the brochure:

I’d like to imagine that this is a picture of a “Ginny,” the nickname for the Golden Engine award that’s given to the best automotive-based musical production.

This is another big number, where Mary Sudsworth and Hellman Mayonnaistern sing about how they want to escape their suburban lives and venture off into the unknown in their DeSoto Adventurer. It’s powerful.

Eventually, Mary realizes she doesn’t need anyone’s help, it was only her own fears holding her back, and she conquers them and leaves in the Adventurer. Hellman, while initially despondent, confides to the sentient DeSoto that he’s been talking to throughout the show, that he believes Mary will be happier this way, and he sings a heartfelt song to the car, as they pledge to become partners and fight injustice, wherever it may lurk.

I’m telling you, this is a hell of a show! No wonder it won that Ginny!

Oh, the brochure also has some other little interesting bits. Like this example of how the word “sports” gets used in ways that seem to have nothing to do with sports:

How is a swivel seat a “sports swivel seat?” What’s sporty about swiveling? Outside of a, say, figure skating or gymnastic context? I mean, it’s still a good idea, generally, but I’m not sure about the sports part.

Also, look how shockingly roomy these DeSoto wagons were! Jump seats and a crapton of room! It’s like a truck bed back there!

Look at that: a lawnmower, one of those fertilizer/seed spreader push things, hoses, a wheelbarrow, watering can, boxes, and all that fits in there with the rear seat up? Holy crap.

Someone should sing about that.