It’s finally here. The milestone day that I’ve had on the calendar for months. The deadline. The justification for all the time-saving, half-assed work I’ve done. Today is the day I drive this 1982 (I think) Citroën 2CV that once was rotting in a field and shot at by ne’er-do-wells on a three-hour trek to be a judge the 24 Hours of Lemons Race in Kershaw, South Carolina. I’m excited.
If you’ve been keeping up with the journey of this Francophonic wonder from formerly-rolling lawn art to the self-propelled umbrella on wheels that it was always meant to be, then I suspect you must understand how excited I am about all of this; if not, then I hope you’ll at least roll your eyes when your back is turned to me, like a class act.
It’s a three-hour drive of about 150 miles, all back roads, which is good, because while Citroën claims that the 602cc flat-twin that bangs exuberantly under that thin hood is good for 71.5 mph, this car really isn’t the highway cruiser type. But on back roads? I think it’ll be fantastic.
I drove it the other night on a small shakedown cruise of about an hour or so of total driving, and it did great. The only real issues I found were that I really could use some brighter headlights and my driver’s seat is a little uncomfortable in the butt, mostly thanks to my use of ratchet straps to replace the old, worn-out rubbber bands. But I think I fixed that by shoving some foam in there.
Oh, and the fuel gauge isn’t working, so I need to be smart and bring a can of emergency gas. I should be getting like 40 mpg+ in this thing, and I have a close-to-full fuel tank of about 6+ gallons, so that should give me plenty of leeway for this trip, but who knows?
What should I bring with me, tools- and spare-wise? I have an extra coil I can bring, I’ll bring two spare tires because why not, my socket set, some screwdrivers, zip ties, maybe brake fluid since the 2CV uses some weird, hard-to-find stuff … that should be plenty? I know it’s only three hours, but it’s the first real long drive I’ve done in this thing.
Oh and the big black box is an old manual typewriter I use for race penalty reasons. It’s fun!
Oh, and since I’ll be a judge at this Lemons Race, that means I’ll be the recipient of bribes, which is one of the exciting perks of the gig. I hope I get some good bourbon! That also means for the teams that do the bribing, they need to get their cars tagged with a stencil so everyone knows they’ve done the right thing and grafted a bribe. So I made a 2CV-special one:
I used my 3D printer to make it; I tried this last year, and it sort of worked, but the whole thing melted in the outdoor heat. This time I made it thicker as a way to help compensate, and used a filament that has some carbon fiber mixed into it; maybe that’ll help?
Oh damn, look at what I just found! Those fender nuts and washers I had to buy new ones of last weekend! Dammit!
So, this is also my way of saying I’ll be mostly out from bloginationary duties today, though I’ll try and record some reels and whatever from the road! So keep an eye out for those on our Instant-gramophone link!
I haven’t packed or anything yet. I travel a lot for this job, you’d think I’d be better about it all and not just shoving things into a bag at the last minute, but here we are. Off I go!
” I’ll be the recipient of bribes, which is one of the exciting perks of the gig. I hope I get some good bourbon!”
If you wanted bourbon you should have driven a Dodge. However, since you drove THE French car you get a gift basket of brie, baguettes, cheap wine, bad cigarettes, a raspberry beret, an armpit hair comb and a white napkin that can double as a surrender flag if you run into a VAG.
Bring a box of ‘Robot, Take the Wheel’. So you can sell them to racers who
a) want to bribe you and
b) Want to read the book, or
c) two things can be true.
You can add those washers and nuts to the bin of extra hardware that you will definitely get to use one day!
We need some sort of live tracking app whenever these guys hit the road on an adventure.
Not so we can stalk them or anything.
For safety. Yeah.
Safety…
YES! Like a UPS package
he shows no movement for days, then suddenly it shows a travel of some 500 miles (300 in the wrong direction) over the course of 3 hours and was delivered 45 minutes ago to the house down the street.
So we can give them a ride when they need it!
Also so the EPA knows where to send the SuperFund cleanup crew.
Godspeed! Say hi to Eric.
Good luck, Torch and safe but interesting travels.
Don’t forget your most important piece of emergency kit – a fully charged cell phone so you can call help.
and a backup battery
And a chainsaw
“AND MY AXE”
oh wait
I love this car. It’s like the French made a more comfortable Yugo, before the Yugo existed. And it’s weird. And shaped like escargot. Goes like a constipated snail, too!
Unabashedly French! ????????
My favorite production Citroen is the SM. Though I wish the Citroen Eole concept with its 0.17 Cd would have gone into production 4 decades ago.
The only one un-French thing it has, is that they never surrender.
As much as I enjoyed David’s rusty adventures, this is my favorite Autopian Jalop (sorry!!) yet! It’s probably too much to hope that there’s a French car in the judging for some outrageous free pass judging. Less than 50 horsepower? Let’s go!!
I wonder if DT is sad that his wrenching lunacy is outdone by a guy that programs salami.
Torch, I’m going to give you the recommendation I give everyone with old cars about headlights.
Add a relay harness for the headlights.
Damn near every car before 1990 ran ALL the current of the headlights through the headlight switch.
This both causes poor current flow AND burns out switches that are unobtanium in a lot of cars now.
But, adding a relay harness gives your headlights access to that sweet, sweet direct from battery flow, while making your headlight switch last forever by carrying less than an amp of current to trigger the relay.
I did this to my buddy’s XR4Ti, and it went from “unsafe to drive past dusk” to “I can see into the future”. My w126 had relays to run the uprated 100w bulbs I installed. My RX7 got the same treatment.
Very good advice. Those headlight switches are a frequentish source of fires if they don’t have a relay too. A good set of LED headlights with cutoff for low beams makes a world of difference too. I had LED’s on my MG and could actually see at night. But try to find a set that don’t look like LED headlights. And don’t get ones that blind other drivers by not caring about optical performance
This, plus: You can get halogen bulbs that have the same fitting as the 45w standard bulbs. Also… get a new reflector for the drivers side. The one you have is rusted!
Or at least use aluminum foil and contact cement to make the rusted one shiny
Yes, I did this with every motorcycle I’ve owned. I also used a bulb with standard low beam wattage but a lot higher wattage high beam. And replaced the plastic socket with a ceramic one to take the added high beam heat. Almost literally would turn night into day with those high beams!
I recommend bringing 1-2 SWGs for emergency wrenching.
Good luck and enjoy the drive!
Remembering the taxi , bring some wire and a couple of alligator clips.
For some unknown reason it reminds me of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Could you try and bend that front bumper into shape? Otherwise it looks great 🙂
God speed on this great and noble undertaking!
I used to take some of the black rubber bands from other places, where they were not that much needed, on my 2CVs, and then mount them double under the driver’s seat. With a little fiddling you can get two hooks into each hole in the seat frame
I was wondering, is the bumper crooked, or the hood? One way or the other, where they meet it shows up for me.
I think it give the car some charm, this 2CV has seen some things, but is still gleefully chugging along.
The bumpers are bolted to the outriggers of the chassis frame, so to me it just looks like the frame is about to give up and break.
Sometimes a car truly does reflect the owner. Bright (at least one eye) slightly wonky, held together with professional grade bungee straps.
Does your socket set contain sufficient girthitude to serve as a lug wrench? Would hate to see you need the services of a spare tire but have no way to remove+replace.
Also a torque wrench would be good.
Do you have spray paint to use with the objectively excellent bribery stencil?
Bon voyage, mon frere!
The starting crank has a lug/fender bolt hex on the other end. Mine does, at least
Jason judging Lemons is like Charles DeGaulle leading France.
His appearance, disposition, temperament, and personality are seemingly designed by the universe to do that specific job. It’s as though failing to do that job would cause some sort catastrophic chain of events that would result in the destruction of the solar system.
And yes, I just compared Jason Torchinsky to Charles DeGaulle.
Considering that a week ago he was comparing himself to Hitler…
DeGaulle? He ain’t even in this war.
Bonus points for referencing an obscure quote from Kelly’s Heroes!
Make sure you brush up on the appropriate French taunts. Most people’s mothers are to be compared to hamsters and their fathers have the aroma of elderberries. All donkey bottom biters and second hand and electric.
Fart in their general direction
Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
Don’t forget to bring a towel.
I would love to say Jason’s a frood who really knows where his towel is, but things would be a bit less entertaining if he was. I say that with the best of intentions.
I have no idea what’s going on.
“Ford Prefect” would make a great user handle for this site.
May your eggs arrive uncracked.
Depends how effective that seat padding addition is.
I would say, bring some fuses, but I’m not even sure it uses fuses…
I’m picturing something with a lot of arcing, like Dr. Frankenstein’s lab on wheels.
“Two nasty looking switches over here . . . but I’m not goin’ to be the first.”
He has the fancy, newer version. It has four fuses
I hope you’re taking the opportunity to let your judge persona go full Franc-osplay: black turtleneck, skinny pants, cigarette and wine glass in hand, slight sneer at all times.
Beret.
Oh look at Mr. Fancy Pants here with two spare tires. Both my cars decided I could make do with a lighter plug powered pump and some goop.
So, this is your Moab? Bon chance, mon ami!
m’oabbe, peut etre?
My washpot is Moab? There’s a gem of a joke here I can’t quite find.
Better Moab than Waterloo…
You’ve never been to Kershaw, have you?
For your own safety, and to satisfy the French gods, always travel with a baguette.
and a basket of eggs
Only if it’s sticking out the window.
Better yet, one of those 6′ long ones sticking out the rolled-back roof.
I’ve driven through town with my bass neck sticking out the top. So convenient
Don’t forget needlenose and slip joint pliers, wire cutters and tape!