You remember our hapless $800, 375,000-mile ex-New York City taxi, don’t you? Sure you do. Yellow, Nissan, kind of banged up, absolutely filthy, considered a biohazard, worked like a dog for a decade of hard NYC taxi labor? You know it. We bought it as part of a sponsorship deal with Copart, and even in our short time owning it, it hasn’t had it easy. Our car-rescuing demigod Stephen Walter Gossin had a crack at it first, and he made some initial progress on getting it back in shape. Keep in mind, this is a vehicle that a Nissan dealership said would need over $14,000 worth of repairs to be roadworthy, and spending that kind of money on this steaming pile is only just slightly more likely to happen than my next fart becoming sentient and curating an Alexander Calder retrospective at the Whitney.
My Autopian co-founder David Tracy, a man more used to automotive lost causes than St. Jude, came down to North Carolina to wrench on this thing in hopes of resurrecting it. David and I spent a solid week wrenching and hammering on the taxi, and we got it in running shape, incredibly.
Oh, wait! I almost forgot: before David came down to help me work on it, a miserable tow truck screw-up launched the poor cab into a tree, smashing the rear doors:
What I’m saying is that this 2014 Nissan NV200 taxi has lived a hard life of constant toil, and every one of those hard 375,000 miles left its mark on this beast. If a magic horse were to appear and grant this cab the power of speech, I’m pretty sure it would just beg for the sweet release of death; this cab wanted nothing more than to stay in that junkyard and quietly yield to the cold yet comforting blanket of death, where there were no more fares to run, no more traffic to JFK, no more smacking wheels into curbs, no more pain.
We did not listen.
No, instead, we resurrected this cab, telling the Grim Reaper in charge of Nissans and Infinitis (and some Renaults) not today. This hardworking taxi needs a proper send-off, and we’re going to give it just that, with a trip all the way across this great nation of ours! Oh, and the first leg of the trip is from North Carolina to NYC; if you look on the cab, you’ll see I’m contractually obligated to take anyone to JFK for a flat rate of $70, so if you need a ride to JFK from Chapel Hill on June 17 or so, let me know.
The cab runs. There’s no air conditioning working yet, but I’m going to see what I can do there, and it needs a little suspension work, but other than that, I think it’s mechanically as good as it’s going to get. What may be a bigger concern is how absolutely disgusting the interior is:
There’s a reason there was a biohazard sticker on this thing. Because it was hazardous, biologically. So I’ll need to get that all nice and cleaned up. And maybe try to repair those seats.
Oh! And just for fun, I’m going to fill in the hole in the back where the taxi-advertising monitor thing was with something much better: some genuine 1980s 8-bit computing hardware!
I have an Atari 600xl – complete with 16K of RAM! – to mount in the back with that little screen there. My kid Otto is coming with me on the trip, so he needs some way to play Pole Position and Frogger and Donkey Kong and maybe learn how to program in BASIC, right? So I’ll have to install that.
This trip is not just about seeing if this cab will make it – we want to try and see as many of you as we can! So, with that in mind, here’s our planned route, and all our stops:
So, we’re going to hit the Mid-America VW Funfest in Effingham, Illinois, and we’re going to have reader meetups in Columbus at Der Dutchman Cruise-In, Lawrence, Kansas, and Denver! I’ll be gambling for next month’s payroll in Vegas, and then we finally should hit LA by the 24th, Nissan-gods willing. So, please, come see us! I’ll try to remember to bring some stickers and shirts and stuff if I have any here to give out! There are no hard plans other than going to the Der Dutchman Cruise-In, attending the VW Funfest in Effingham, and probably doing breakfast in Lawrence, so let us know if there are any other events along the way.
Just be wary of the road madness that I likely will be affected by. It’s powerful.
Oh, and one last detail! Look what we got for the cab:
A working taximeter! So, while we take this trip, we’re going to finally find out how much it would cost to take a NYC taxi all the way across the country! You know you’re curious!
Is this a bad idea? Probably, yeah! A really bad one! But we’re going to do it, anyway! I hope to see you out there on the road, and hopefully whatever tears are in my eyes will be ones of joy, and not ones of misery because I decided to drive a should-have-been-dead taxi across the freaking country like an idiot.
Needs more Texas. Although the drive from Denver to Vegas will be amazing on 70.
One of the difficulties of being a biological entity is sharing DNA with other biological entities and them expecting you to entertain them when they find their way to your city, otherwise I would put on my best hazmat suit and make my way from Middle Franklin to Effing Ham on the 20th to cheer you on.
I’ve got plans in the evening on the 22nd, but if you guys are in Denver prior to them, I’ll make the stop.
This is a lot to ask of a Jatco Xtronic CVT.
Speaking of which, I’m surprised they haven’t chimed in yet
If y’all added your other Nissan into the mix it could be the Concurrent Cross Cab Cross Country Cavort.
Darn, no swing through upstate NY! Oh well, NYC is awesome too! Sounds like fun!
It’s hard to get people to come up here.
Or in the current climate, down there. I spent many a weekend of my youth at my grandpa’s cottage in upstate NY.
Unfortunately, I’m not as welcome any more. One of our truck drivers was told on the CB around Massena “I’d rather be friends with a (slur starting with N) than a Canadian.
Which is a problematic statement in a few ways.
I’m sadly not surprised by that reaction. On Wellesley Island we talked with some locals last year who were convinced they would be mugged or car robbed the second they got down around Syracuse for their sports tournament. They were also amazed our Tesla towed our camper without issues.
Well you’re still welcome up here. If you ever find yourself around Ottawa, drop me a line. I have cold snacks at the ready.
Much appreciated! Likewise if you find yourself in Rochester.
Ah yes, the “Northern Tier”. That’s a pretty sad, lost portion of the state, not shocking to get that sort of greeting there. I think I made a comment a few days ago about the irony of how many confederate flags you see up there. Or maybe not so ironic.
We’re all rather pro-Canada for the most part south of the blue line (ADKS). God knows at a minimum we’re rooting for Edmonton over Florida.
Anyone who hates both Canadians and Nerf Herders has issues.
Why is everything cool in Ohio? We get a few interesting things in Rochester but not much.
Because we’re awesome here in Ohio!
I am very jealous of you guys having summit racing. That being said when I lived in Cleveland for a while I never went there!
At least we have plates.
Is Effingham what you put on car bumpers as a shock absorber for jalopnik?
Can’t wait to (hopefully, maybe) see you in Denver! It’s the day after I get back from a 2 week international trip but screw it, I’ll be there.
You know, you could have stopped in Phoenix on your way to LA. It’s only like the 5th biggest city in the country… but whatever, I definitely won’t hold it against you.
Please stop by phoenix if you do I will join thanks. Potential future member
Those state Easter eggs are worth every penny of the membership subscription. Also TIL about Franklin!
Sadly I could not swing a trip to NYC on a Wednesday…but if you end up in middle PA with a breakdown and need someone to stare at you while you try to fix it, I might be able to accommodate.
Dude, that’s epic. See you in NYC!
Be fair to Philly!
Why? Philly has never been fair to anyone else.
But we throw great parties!
And kill hitchhiker trash can robots! 🙂 Still laugh about that one.
And batteries
GO BIRDS
Seriously! Let’s make this happen!
OMG, the state names on the map! Oregano, Dakota Prime, Left Virginia, Franklin, Garbage Carolina, Deleware, Inc.
I drove a a Lada with 285000km from Edmonton to Georgia then back through Texas CA and the west coast- I don’t know if you are crazier or not
ALASKA PLZ
I mean it’s right there, just South of California
Just gonna say, we celebrate 4th of July by driving cars off a cliff since fireworks don’t work well with all the sun…
THAT is a fitting end for the Nissaxi.
You could see how XPel PPF protects your finish in a 60mph collision with a planet.
On your way up from NC if you need a place to stop and stretch your legs, feel free to swing by our farm in MD! My cows wouldn’t know what to make of an NYC taxi.
Also, if you have any repairs to make on the first leg, my farm shop is open for use. I hope you won’t need it, but its available.
This is very appreciated!
If you have any car troubles on I15 between Fillmore and Beaver Utah hit me up. I’ve got some cousins in the hills around Sulphurdale that love to wrench on weird stuff (big fans of the AMC 360 V8).
We’ve even got some bunks in a few repurposed shipping containers you could stay in.
It’s a particularly dark, lonely stretch of interstate with few amenities.
We own most of the property in that area. Passed down through generations from our pioneering ancestors.
You should find comfort in knowing that me and the boys will be watchin out for ya when you pass through.
Safe travels and Gobless.
My best car experience ever was stopping at the salt flats and unexpectedly finding a rescheduled speed week!
I always knew Utah was weird!
I’m sure I’m off base here, but reading this I heard banjos….
What’s the over-under on Jason getting the Atari running but having made no serious effort on cleaning it before departing?
Whoo hoo! I’ll try and meet you guys in the 83 245 in LFK!
This is the best thing ever and nearly perfectly speaks to why I come here.
I feel like the Grim Reaper in charge of Nissans and Infinities (and even some Renaults) is very overworked and likely underpaid.
He’s slacking in Charlotte based on the number of Altimas with severe body damage and “lost tag” cardboard license plates flying down 77 at 90mph.
“I’ve already got a backlog of 2.5 million totaled Altimas to deal with dude, be patient with me!”
Gotta ask, as a resident of Franklin, TN, why have we apparently taken over naming rights for the entire state on the autopian map?
Nissan’s NA HQ is here, and I’ve seen a couple Chiron’s (one a Super Sport) out for a “look we’re car buddies” Sunday drive. Maybe that’s enough to count?
But seriously, I didn’t know Franklin was on Autopian’s radar and I’d like to know why.
Maybe I’m completely wrong and there’s just a fantastic Autopian member named Franklin who lives in Tennessee? Anybody know?
Not happy you’re avoiding the northwest corner of the country.
I swore I’d never drive SEA – LAX again but…
Or I could meet you in Vegas and re-create my ride home after and impulse buy of an SL500 on a Vegas trip.