Okay, first, I realize that this doesn’t have a hell of a lot to do with cars, but for some reason I find it really funny and weirdly fascinating, so I thought that was reason enough to share it with you. So I will. And, look, if David asks if this was about cars, I’ll tell you what, just tell him that it was about some early car trivia stuff and I was talking about how Peugeot has a pretty good claim on the first mass-produced gasoline-engine car, with 64 Peugeot Type 3s built between 1891 and 1894. Also, they may have had the first frunks? Which were wicker!
Okay, there, we got some good car stuff out of the way, so now let’s get into what today’s Autopian Asks is about. You see, earlier today, Mercedes was telling us how, as a lame-ass reward for being the traffic leader at the Old Site, she was given some sort of gift card. And then the next week they told her not to write “weird” stuff. Their loss, of course, she’s on Team Autopian now, and she can write whatever the hell she wants.
But I’m getting off track; I wanted to know what kind of gift card they gave her, which got me thinking about some really ridiculous gift cards one could get. Which led to me thinking aloud (well, visually aloud) in Slack:
See, the idea of being given a $1500 gift card to Jersey Mike’s just strikes me as inherently funny. But since we’re imagining, why stop there?
A $7,500 gift card for Coldstone Creamery would make me livid. There would be an inherent frustration, because how could you complain about being given $7,500 of anything? You should be grateful, right? But $7,500 of weirdly custardy ice cream would feel like a cold, too-sweet prison.
The more you think about stupid gift cards, the funnier/worse it gets, I think. I like to consider pairings: what if someone gave you a $7 gift card to AutoZone and a $600 gift card to Arby’s? You’d desperately want to ask them if they mixed those two up, right?
Even a boring, expected gift card gets deeply weird once the amounts get high enough. People give out Starbucks cards like candy, but once you get one with, say, $1,200 on it, it starts to feel pretty messed up. Who would do such a thing? It’s madness!
What about giving someone a stack of 50 gift cards with $1 each on them, to every place possible? Is that worse than a big amount to one dumb place?
Does Roto-Rooter make gift cards? As a homeowner, if it didn’t expire, I might be good with a $500 gift card from them. How about, like, Airgas? That’d be okay; never have to pay for welding gases again, potentially? How about a Mattress Firm gift card for $12? Or $800 to Clean Colonics?
It’d be a funny conceit in a movie if someone had to stash away a huge amount of money that was either stolen or in danger of being stolen or something, so they, say, put $250,000 on a Schlotzky’s gift card. I wonder if there’s any way to launder gift card money like that? Aside from selling sandwiches you just bought in the parking lot for a buck less? Cash only.
Anyway, let’s see if we can think of the worst possible gift cards, amounts, and combinations! It’ll be fun? Right?
Top graphic image: DepositPhotos.com
My favorite useless gift card: money from jury duty ($10 per day) paid on a Visa card that charges fees if you use it. It’s a middle finger from the court system ‘thanking’ you for your service.
The loophole of the card is it will let you transfer from the card into your checking account without a fee that was buried in the fine print of the card agreement.
Not sure if this is stupid, or just sort of mean, but a $100 gift card to Victoria’s Secret, or better yet, some boutique lingerie store, for your single guy friend. That’s something he can’t pass off to a family member or friend without it being awkward, so he’s forced to either double down and upgrade his personal wardrobe (hey, no kink shaming here), or hold onto it for some future relationship, where he gets to obsess internally over “how many dates before it’s ok gift someone underwear??”
ALL gift cards are stupid. Some much more than others. Especially in states that permit expiration dates and monthly fees.
The LEAST stupid gift card is a VISA debit card issued by your credit union and only then if there are no fees, charges, expiration dates or other nonsense.
Want a real, no brainer gift? Give them the universal gift card: CASH. That way they decide whether they want to buy a piece of plastic.
The stupidest gift cards are the ones that charge a fee to purchase and then reduce the balance each month they’re not spent. Years ago, my mom gave me a Mastercard gift card like that. If she’d been smart she would have just given me the $105 or whatever that it cost.
Other annoying gift cards are ones for expensive restaurants that only cover a small portion of the meal.
Any gift card that is wildly under the value of what the place sells. Like 10 bucks to a steakhouse or 100 dollars to a rolex dealer.