Okay, first, I realize that this doesn’t have a hell of a lot to do with cars, but for some reason I find it really funny and weirdly fascinating, so I thought that was reason enough to share it with you. So I will. And, look, if David asks if this was about cars, I’ll tell you what, just tell him that it was about some early car trivia stuff and I was talking about how Peugeot has a pretty good claim on the first mass-produced gasoline-engine car, with 64 Peugeot Type 3s built between 1891 and 1894. Also, they may have had the first frunks? Which were wicker!
Okay, there, we got some good car stuff out of the way, so now let’s get into what today’s Autopian Asks is about. You see, earlier today, Mercedes was telling us how, as a lame-ass reward for being the traffic leader at the Old Site, she was given some sort of gift card. And then the next week they told her not to write “weird” stuff. Their loss, of course, she’s on Team Autopian now, and she can write whatever the hell she wants.
But I’m getting off track; I wanted to know what kind of gift card they gave her, which got me thinking about some really ridiculous gift cards one could get. Which led to me thinking aloud (well, visually aloud) in Slack:
See, the idea of being given a $1500 gift card to Jersey Mike’s just strikes me as inherently funny. But since we’re imagining, why stop there?
A $7,500 gift card for Coldstone Creamery would make me livid. There would be an inherent frustration, because how could you complain about being given $7,500 of anything? You should be grateful, right? But $7,500 of weirdly custardy ice cream would feel like a cold, too-sweet prison.
The more you think about stupid gift cards, the funnier/worse it gets, I think. I like to consider pairings: what if someone gave you a $7 gift card to AutoZone and a $600 gift card to Arby’s? You’d desperately want to ask them if they mixed those two up, right?
Even a boring, expected gift card gets deeply weird once the amounts get high enough. People give out Starbucks cards like candy, but once you get one with, say, $1,200 on it, it starts to feel pretty messed up. Who would do such a thing? It’s madness!
What about giving someone a stack of 50 gift cards with $1 each on them, to every place possible? Is that worse than a big amount to one dumb place?
Does Roto-Rooter make gift cards? As a homeowner, if it didn’t expire, I might be good with a $500 gift card from them. How about, like, Airgas? That’d be okay; never have to pay for welding gases again, potentially? How about a Mattress Firm gift card for $12? Or $800 to Clean Colonics?
It’d be a funny conceit in a movie if someone had to stash away a huge amount of money that was either stolen or in danger of being stolen or something, so they, say, put $250,000 on a Schlotzky’s gift card. I wonder if there’s any way to launder gift card money like that? Aside from selling sandwiches you just bought in the parking lot for a buck less? Cash only.
Anyway, let’s see if we can think of the worst possible gift cards, amounts, and combinations! It’ll be fun? Right?
Top graphic image: DepositPhotos.com
We got a spoofed email from our VP asking for gift cards. He sent a clarification that this was NOT from him and no one needed to buy him a gift card, unless they really wanted. I like the guy so I went to see what $5 email gift cards I could get quick. Came down to donuts or a “Fine Dining” place here in town.
My company distributes $50 prepaid Mastercard gift cards for Christmas. (The tax is automatically deducted from our paychecks.) On one occasion, some genius at corporate decided to get a jump on gift card purchasing a year ahead of time, not realizing that the cards expire a year from the date of purchase. There were quite a few disappointed people in my office that year. Corporate did end up issuing replacement cards, so that’s something.
I had a scheme once, but never actually followed through. I visit Canada every year, and I have a friend who lived in Florida. The idea was to buy my Florida friend a gift card to a far north regional chain, say Tim Hortons for $50, high enough that he would hang on to it despite having no Tim Hortons in Florida. But, unbeknownst to them, I’d spend nearly all of it before sending it to him. So my friend would have carried this valuable gift card around forever, with nowhere to spend it, then when they finally find themselves at a Tim Hortons, would they discover that it was practically worthless the whole time.
There actually is a Tim Hortons down here. A couple actually. And there’s enough Canadian snowbirds that every year in the winter most Starbucks employees become aware of the term “Double-Double”.
How stupid a gift card is depends on what the card is for and who the recipient is.
For example:
An It’s Sugar gift card given to a diabetic
A steakhouse gift card given to a vegetarian.
A PartsSource or RockAuto gift card given to someone who doesn’t own a car
A PetSmart gift card given to someone who doesn’t own a pet.
A gift card to the Spar grocery chain to someone in North America… where Spar has no presence.
A gift card to a store chain on the verge of going bankrupt
An LCBO gift card for a recovering alcoholic
An airline gift card given to someone terrified of flying
And I agree with other commenters that gift cards in general are stupid.
Just give the person cash. Cash doesn’t have an expiry and doesn’t have stupid fees.
Gift card to a vacation timeshare in Iowa for $150
True story, as a joke I gave my sister a bunch of gift cards as a birthday present. She lives out of town and is a vegan.
First gift card: local gas station chain – $15
Second: local ice cream place – $10
Third: local pizza chain – $5
Fourth: local chili parlor chain – $2
Fifth: another local chili parlor chain – $2
Sixth: yet another local chili parlor chain – $1
So you give gifts to troll her, eh?
I suggest the next gift card could be for a dollar or two for The Keg Steakhouse chain.
LOL
Right up there with any amount for MyPillow.
The colonic one has to be the worst right? Yeah, that’s the worst.
I’m sure it was meant as a joke. Petsmart gift card. I don’t own any animals.