Let’s face it: a lot of cars have a loud, obnoxious bark but no teeth to actually bite you. All talk, no action. Their looks talk a good game, but their game itself is very, very weak.
Listing malaise examples would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Naturally, anything branded as a “performance” edition from the seventies was pathetic, but relative to everything else on the market in those dismal times they really weren’t that bad. However, post-malaise “sports” models didn’t have much of an excuse to suck, or at least no reason not to be at least significantly better than a cooking variety model.
If you heard that a car called the “OZ Rally Edition” was arriving back in 2003, you possibly envisioned something to kick up dust on Pikes Peak while spinning its fancy Italian wheels. When you realized that it was going to be a version of a Mitsubishi Lancer, your imagination ran wild to EVO-equivalent competition-style cars. It’s understandable that there was a bit of disappointment when we saw what an actual “OZ Rally Edition” turned out to be.
Oh, those are OZ wheels alright; whopping 14-inch meats that fit into the unmodified factory wells with room to spare. They probably could have gone down the 13s and still been able to accommodate the tiny rear drum brakes. Not that you needed giant cross drilled discs with 120 horsepower on tap, or a bit less than half the output of the vaunted EVO. Even the small rear wing was a weak substitute for the Evolution’s big ironing board.
How about a 1986 Buick Century Gran Sport? Sure looks pretty sinister in its monochromatic paint scheme.
That Regal GN-style logo with the arrow-in-a-circle promises force-fed induction for the V6, or so you thought.
Sadly, you don’t get it. No, the Gran Sport has a 150-horsepower, normally-aspirated motor right out of your Aunt Cassie’s Century sedan; the arrow-in-a-circle thing must relate to the steering wheel? That lying logo that they put everywhere, including the headrests, was false advertising.
The gauge cluster tells you how pathetic this “performance” car was. A rectangular cluster like that could have been absolutely anything, yet we got a ribbon speedometer with an add-on hand-held video game LED tach where the column shifter gear indicator would have been (the Gran Sport at least had a floor shifter for the mandatory automatic). There is prominent space being used for a slightly crooked BUICK MOTOR DIVISION “gauge.” I’d forgotten how bad these types of speedometers were with kilometer markings. Poor Canadians, it’s just gloriously bad.
Throwing a supercharged 3800 under the hood, disc brakes all around, and a set of round instruments would have given us a GNX-style sleeper. Instead, we got a snoozer, an accountant in a Darth Vader costume. Come on, this wasn’t 1976; GM had so much stuff in their parts bins at the time, they could have easily made the Gran Sport so much more.
What are some other paper tiger “performance” or “sport” models that have left you wanting? Have you ever owned one yourself? The Autopian is asking!
Top graphic image: Mitsubishi
The Silverado SS. It debuted in the same era as the supercharged F150 Lightning and the Ram SRT10. The Silverado couldn’t match those trucks and even fell short of the LS2 that was being shoved into the Trailblazer SS around the same time.
Even the SS454 was pretty slow in reality.
That was at least competitive with the lightning of its day, which was also slow.
True, but without knowing how old you are, I can tell you from experience: seeing the callout “SS454” associated with a brand new Chevrolet product at that time was a gift from the horsepower gods. The ’80s were a pretty bleak time to be an American teenager who was into American cars. I thought I would go to my grave without ever seeing that appellation on the side of a new Chevrolet ever again. Not enough horsepower? Too much untapped potential under the hood, stifled by emissions and nanny devices? Who cares, it’s 1990. Because factory big block in 1990. That automatically makes it a Good Thing.
oh, I know, I was there, I also thought highly of the overall concept, and they certainly felt torquey enough to sort of take you back to the muscle car days if you ever rode in one or perhaps bought one in high school when they were mostly just old used cars.
But, even though they could turn the truck into a smoke show without much effort, they were still in a truck with not much handling or traction upgrades if any. And they were slow as a result. Not saying I don’t want one, just saying. I have a Big Block 454 in a 68 Camaro, it had a 275 HP 327 that is still in the garage and could be put back in place anytime. The 454 even with the top end all in aluminum still weighs a bit more than the lump of Iron 327, I put a lot of RPM capable upgrades parts into the thing and it maybe makes 400HP on a good day. Even with that relatively tame number, it is way to much for the archaic Nova Based suspension and leaf sprung suspension. It feels fast, but needs a bunch more modern changes to be competitive to even middle of the road V8 Muscle these days.
Sort of, but not really. As I mentioned at the top, Malaise “sports” cars as a whole were terrible performers, but the KG and the X1/9 visually didn’t pretend to be road burners.
And the Karmann Ghia predates the Malaise Era by several decades anyway, European economy cars from the 1930s were never fast, even when dressed up with prettier 1950s sheet metal
They’re from an era where real sports cars were Triumph Spitfires and MG Midgets, the X1/9 was a perfectly fine sports car by the time’s metrics, and the Ghia was a stylish GT variant of the Beetle in the same way that the Spitfire was a stylish roadster variant of the Herald.
bmw e39 525i “sport” wagon. Honestly I didn’t expect much to begin with but with 180hp and almost 4000lbs it was honestly the slowest car I ever owned. I’ve owned over 50 cars, including a delorean. It was slower that the e30’s I’ve owned. Heck, it was about on par with the three 80 series land cruisers I’ve owned.
There’s nothing sport about a base spec 5 Series. This one is on you
I knew that it wouldn’t be fast but it didn’t even handle that well. I did like the way it looked though.
That OZ Rally is really the peak example. In 2005, I bought a new Lancer Ralliart. At the time, the Evo was not available in Canada and the Ralliart was the absolute top of the Lancer line. A while later, I got an OZ Rally as a loaner while my car was getting serviced at a dealership, and I couldn’t believe the difference. I’ve never encountered a car where there was such a complete difference in trim levels – not just performance, but noise levels, quality of interior fabrics and plastics, and overall feel. The Ralliart was a decent compact sport sedan. The OZ Rally was a shitty econobox.
I came here ready to give Malaise examples, but you nipped that in the bud by rightly stating it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, then you proceeded to give an example of a car that originated in the Malaise Era (if you define it as ending in 1983). I don’t think anything pre-1990 should count.
Point taken, but while the Buick debuted in the Malaise (1982) by the later 80s with a full-on Grand National appearance like that there’s no reason it shouldn’t have been faster. Unlike in true malaise times, they had the resources to make it better.
Anytime someone talks about horsepower levels of cars back then I use Corvettes as my benchmark to set the tone. We were discussing the LTD LX and Marquis LTS the other day and I reminded you that contemporary Corvettes only made 205 HP then.
In context of this Buick, the Corvette was putting out 230 HP that year, and the 3.8L V6 was the hottest FWD engine GM had available – remember, this was before the 3800 existed at all, let alone a supercharged version of it. This pre-dated the turbo McLaren Grand Prixs as mentioned elsewhere too.
Some haterz might say the Mr2 roadster because the 2ZZ wasn’t available on it.
Others might say the 2ZZ Matrix/Vibe and the classic VTEC Hondas because they don’t want to rev it out to get teh powarr
The EP3 Si didn’t get the good K20 over here, but even if it did, people would hate on it; see above.
And of course, the stock 240SX
The 09-10 Corolla XRS is kinda stupid and less performance than the previous XRS
I love the EP3 Si, particularly the green interior in them (matches the Accord Euro R fabric). The interesting thing was K20 in them had a balancing shaft that the base RSX didn’t have, but made the same power in paper.
“You’re writing checks your body can’t cash!!”
Probably the IROC Camaro. Any ’74-’84 Corvette. V8 Mustang from ’74 till ’87 or so.
Heh. The ’74 Mustang II didn’t even have an available V8, not until ’75.
Veloster turbo was pretty lackluster, handled horrid, yet rode worse than my Evo’s. Turned me off from the whole brand.
I had a 1987 Monte Carlo SS. Original survivor, bone stock with 88k miles. That little 305 did its best, darnit.
Slow car looking fast.
The Grand Prix 2+2 was worse, it didn’t even get the HO version of the 305 that the Monte got.
eh, I see your Grand Prix and Raise you the 442. the last of the v8 versions had fancy shifters and plenty of stickers, and even thought he 307 olds was not the absolute worst, it was still not good, but then came the 6th gen version with a 2.3 4 cylinder. oh man, still not much power and only the sounds of a 4 cylinder, also FWD….SMH
At least the 442 didn’t have a fastback grafted on.
And every goddamn one of them except for the Grand National (which actually performed like it looked, at least by comparison with whatever else was around in the mid 80s) really, really deserved to get the TPI 305.
But alas, as always, the General gonna General. Only GM could both invent the muscle car, and strangle it in its sleep.
In their defense, they did not seem to have adequate engineering to make the TPI anything more than a truck motor. Performance vehicles need to be able to rev past 4 thousand RPM without falling flat on their face. The TPI has plenty of Rochester marking on rails and so on, I think maybe any of us with a TPI were the Guinea Pigs. Generally speaking a Carb HO 305 was sadly more competitive than the TBI or even TPI counterparts.
All those late 70’s rebadged pseudo muscle cars.The Road Runner,AMX,442,ect.They loaded them up with stripes and spoilers to look like they were fast but man were they dogs.
The 80’s
First gen GR 86/BRZ
S60 Polestar
That GN logo on the Gran Sport, it’s a six.
The logo only has a red arrow, which I’ve always taken as “NA” motor. If it’s two color it indicates forced induction.
That is the Buick turbo 6 logo. It is only supposed to appear on Buicks with turbocharged V6s in them.
It was false advertising to stamp them all over this car with no turbo under the hood. That’s like Toyota putting “2JZ” on the back of a car, then you pop the hood and find a carbureted 22R under there.
The Mitsubishi OZ Rally was my first thought. The 80s Camaro RS is another sheep in wolve’s clothing, since it had the IROC body kit on a 4 cylinder chassis, unless you were “baller” and sprang for the slightly less anemic 2.8 V6.
conversely the Porsche 911 Turbo Look and the FC RX-7 GTU had enough underlying performance to back up the body kit even with an NA engine
Does the V6 Mustang/Challenger/Camaro count?
There is nothing faster on the highway than a V6 Challenger on mismatched Linglongs.
Wrong! Altima on a spare trumps them every time.
NOTHING is faster than an altima on a spare. Unless it is an altima on a spare, missing a bumper cover, and has expired paper tags.
Maybe kind of a grey area but the 2.3 foxbodys I can remember people racing them against dodge mini vans and the minivan beating them. Perhaps why I’ve never understood the whole foxbody thing. The 80s camaros were pretty disappointing too. I never thought of an iroc as fast.
Dodge Caliber R/T, it was the low point for anything with an R/T badge.
Reminds me of the Malibu MAXX SS
The Gran in Gran Sport refers to your grandmother, who — unless she’s a little old lady from Pasadena — has a very different idea of sport than the rest of us.
Any maliase era 2 door personal luxury car. They looked sporty but never had the beans.
1980 Trans Ams with that terrible 4.9 turbo with a whole whopping rated 210 horsepower
They ruined the front end in 1979, and then they ruined what was behind the front end in 1980. See also: my profile picture.
Pontiac had a turbo 3.1 that would have bolted in with no modification. Do better Buick.
I nominate my first two cars: 1984 Pontiac Firebird, with 140 raging horsepower from a 5.0L V8, and a 1984 Pontiac Fiero, with like 50hp from a 2.5L Iron Duke 4-cylinder.
I put a true dual exhaust with cherry bombs on the Firebird, so at least it sounded fast.
Yeah turd gens really did not have great performance until the 350 came out or the grail that is the turbo trans am.
I had a ’78 LTDII coupe with a firebreathing 125 hp 351 V8.
I would have eaten your lunch with my high school car, a 1978 Camaro base coupe with a raging 135 ponies being pumped out by its two-barrel 305.
The same way a friend of mine in high school ate my lunch one night in a drag race, driving his 1979 Ford Fiesta. That was the night that I learned an embarrassing object lesson in what power to weight ratio means.
I may have gotten you through first, it was a beast off the line. Then I hit second and all forward momentum ceased. FMX auto and a 2bbl Windsor. It died a few months after I turned 17, lost a main bearing. It was too rusty to bother saving at the time.
How did the wheezy 302 in my ’78 Mercury Zephyr have fourteen more horses than your 351 of the same vintage? Did you have some kind of towing package with a cam specced for torque rather than hp?
At least you didn’t have the Iron Duke Firebird. That was a thing.
Honda CR-Z, hybrid with a manual but it didnt work out like the original CRX
This is my vote. A “performance” tuned hybrid that didn’t deliver performance or economy somehow.
Didn’t the Yugo have a sport version?
Yes, the GVX. But Jason loves them so We Don’t Talk About Yugo.
Don’t Yugo there.
When VW killed the GTI for several years in the 90s, their replacement was the Golf Sport (Mk3) and I had one for most of the decade. It had a nice 5MT, excellent plaid seats, alloy wheels (still semi-rare at the time), and factory tinted taillights.
But other than that, it was the same whopping 115hp 2.0 (aka 2.slow) that VW put in everything. People who grew up in older VWs thought it was pretty quick in comparison, but the nostalgia ends there. A fun drive, for sure, but you really had to wring it out. And even when you didn’t, 32mpg highway was about the best you could hope for.
With the early MkII Golf the US got a “Golf GT” with much of the GTi’s looks but a less powerful motor.
Didn’t this just evolve into the “GT-Line” trim level found in most of the rest of the world on various cars?