You know what’s fun about having a brain? Other than the way it sloshes pleasingly around in your head when you nod really vigorously? Ideas. All the ideas! Those little sparks of insight and creativity that make the world go around – man, I love ideas. I especially love terrible ideas, because they’re like ideas, but, you know, awful. So now I want to know about your best worst ideas! For cars!
The only criteria here is that these must be terrible ideas that are also, somehow, fantastic. I know it’s a fine line to walk, but I believe it is possible. Some revolutionary concept with some sort of massive Achilles’ heel, some debilitating detail, a jelly donut of perfection but with a large vole living in it. You get the idea.
I think one of my best worst ideas is one that has to do with vehicle controls. I first came up with the concept when I was imagining how I thought maybe a submersible was piloted, but it adapts just fine to cars:
The part here that I think is the best worst idea here is the buttock-wedge-actuated brake. A buttocks-squeezable wedge would leverage the body’s natural instinct to clench the buttocks when tense or nervous or in a state of heightened alert. The buttock wedge would allow for faster reaction times for braking, which could save valuable seconds that could be the difference between life and death.
Really, this could save lives!
Of course, there’s a downside, too. Comfortable use of a buttock-wedge brake likely requires pantsless operation (or at least assless chaps) and many drivers aren’t willing to make that level of commitment, even in the interests of safety. Also, changing drivers likely should require a quick wipe-down with a rag or wipe or something, and that’s an extra step many drivers aren’t willing to undertake.
That’s my best worst idea; I suspect you have ideas that are even better and worser, and I very much want to hear them! So have at it! Give me your best-worst!
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Asymmetry.
Not just a little like that little Hyundai 3 door thing.
Real. Like a truck with only half a cab. The other side could be used for longer cargo etc. Maybe with 2 seats for and aft. The styling needs to reflex this. Everything can be different. One large and one small headlight. Some sort of offset or obtuse trapezoidal grille.
Embrace the weird chaos!
OK, hear me out, fish like scales on the body. Fish scales reduce drag, increases laminar flow, and reduces energy expenditure. Besides, how wild would that look?! I’ve been laughed at for this idea, but would love to find out if this really helps in these areas.
I want to put Geo Storm badging on an Evora and take it to Radwood.
An even more devilish variant of the buttocks-activated brake is to have it on the passenger side, thereby wrecking ALL the driver’s fun. Thank heaven such a device is not in my Fiesta ST!
Pedal shoes. As in, pedals that you put your feet into like shoes. With linear actuators for controls so you can use your toes for turn signals, high beams, and other things.
A pantograph for EVs.
EV with fully simulated manual transmission including stick and pedals
You didn’t get me this time Torch, I am not clicking that link
I want a spike that can be deployed from the back or bottom of the car to aid in stopping when on icy or slippery roads. Yes, it may damage the road surface, but much better that than my sweet ride!
Also, traction off-roading claws that come out of the tires like those toy cars from the 80s. What were those things called?
Steering wheels that are shaped like aircraft yokes because it’s cool, damn the usability and safety.
I thought it could be interesting to get away from the traditional flooring choices in cars. Carpet is objectively terrible and one of the 1st things I do in any of my cars is cover it up with a floor mat so my grimy shoes don’t slop up the carpet (fun fact: floorboards rust from the inside).
All of this to say you wouldn’t want carpet on the entry way to your house because dirty shoes would make it a mess, why should it be in your car? I’ve thought you could do some sort of luxury vinyl plank, or laminate, perhaps even a tile or a linoleum depending on trim level. It could still look more upscale than the old rubberized floors while still having the advantage of being able to be hosed out.
Luxury vinyl plank is somehow none of those things! Well, maybe plank……..
I’ve seen semi trucks with hard wood floors. Not that hard to install, due to semi trucks having flat floors. Looks good and cleans easily.
Legalized NLAW and other top attack man portable missile launchers. I’ve known multiple people that have gotten ran off the road by Semi Trucks for no reason. At least give me the ability to blow a massive hole in the trailer of the offender so that I’m not the only one who was damaged in the encounter.
More practically maybe some non-wash off paint/dye like what cops use to mark rioters that splooges out the car when hit to mark hit and run perpetrators
Another Idea: Entirely mesh car seats: Who needs actively ventilated car seats when you can have passive ventilation?
It would take a bit of design to get the same amount of support foam seats provide out of a stretched mesh fabric, but it’s doable, and unlike foam it doesn’t act like a sponge for spilt liquids, it would just fall through to the floor, which would make a great case for a under-seat drip tray.
If fancy office chairs can do it then we should be able to do seats too. Bonus is instead of wiring heated seated or pumping cool air through them you could just put a hvac vent below to blow warm/cold air right at the ass cheeks
Great idea!
Panel Van conversions for the Nissan Leaf.
Take a new Nissan Leaf, pop out the rear door windows, and the rear windscreen and replace them with some solid non shattering material, pull the rear seats, (and possibly the front passenger seat), remove the carpet, and bedcote the floors.
It wouldn’t be as good as a from the ground up panel van where there were never window holes in the first place, and panel vans are never as good as proper vans, but it would be a great repurposing of the vehicles.
In a time where the Leaf has a hard time finding relevance and the cheapest proper electric van sold in the US is $15K more (Base MSRP vs Base MSRP) and all electric vans have demand that greatly outpaces supply the Leaf may find a Niche for last mile delivery and small businesses who do not need a full size van but need an economical, reliable, way of transporting regular sized goods to their customers that is more secure than your standard car. A Leaf Panel Van Conversion would be great.
Bonus points if they sell the kit direct to consumers so Leaf owners can have it installed in their used Leafs as well.
Bumpers made to “bump” instead of scratch, crack and require body work.
Amen. So many cars in my neighborhood have black or chrome brush bar – bully bar things mounted, it’s proof that there is a need for actual bumpers “like in olden days,” but manufacturers have simply decided not to provide them anymore.
Yes, omitting will save weight and cost and maybe improve handling, with less overhung load and lower rotational inertia. But then if the user mounts 80 lbs of accessory bars, those aspects will go down by the same fraction as if they were provided by the factory, but now they are disappointed by the performance or mileage drop instead of expecting a lower number.
Canine Trim of a car with restraints and airbags calibrated for your specific pooch.
Probably theorising that cars are not art.
Ha.
I think I’m actually with the idea that if you look at things as a binary of Art or Not Art, then design for a utility would be a disqualifier. And if someone else looks at it as a spectrum that includes both Art at one extreme and Artistic somewhere in the middle, then that would allow for designed aesthetics that have limitations due to functional requirements, yet rise above simple decorations on a machine.
Pictures of Saabs are always appreciated, but in this case…what’s the connection?
Weirdness?
Good bad ideas. Like those faux rear doors – all the style of a 4-door without the functionality.
Door handles that gives you an electric shock from the HV battery if the car is locked and someone tried to steal it but also terrible if you have kids and they rush to open the door lol
Not really. You’ll be able to separate the smart kids from the not-so-smart in short order.
Then every time you get into your car you have to move the piles of stupid out of the way
Agreed.
Yeah, all is fine with a buttocks-activated brake, until you start to sneeze…
My uncle asked me to chip in in a number of profoundly stupid ideas. One of them was mounting hydraulic levelers on cars to ease changing a tire, but, like, selling a service that consisted in taking your random car, modifying its structure and body to mount braces and the device itself, and returning it to you with a profit. He had in mind the cheap-ass cars of his cheap-ass clients. Like a 2001 Fiat Duna.
Ass brakes?! I’m on board.
The Italdesign Aztec was supposed to jack up the other 3 wheels itself when you got a flat, allowing for easy changing of said flat.
I think to complete the dumb-idea-ness of the hydraulic levelers simply to change tires, the should require an active paid subscription in order to operate.
Dude, you are sinister!
Citroen already beat your uncle to that with the DS, SM, GS, and CX. They had the ability to tip to the opposite side of the flat so it would raise that corner.
Yes, but he didn’t know that.
Wasn’t that what the Smiths Jackall system on prewar British cars was like?
Probably, but my uncle is a retired lawyer, so what did he know?
I think our brains were in similar places on this torch. My “shitty” idea is basically a “6 point harness”, if you know what I mean.
Surface to surface missiles for clearing left-lane bandits. One can dream…
For that task I’d suggest disposable front bumpers.
Stack em behind each other like PEZ. I’m here for this.
Better idea: Non Marking soft touch bumpers on something with lots of excess HP and Torque.
Drive up to the left lane slowpoke, place front bumper on their rear bumper, floor it and force their car to go the speed limit. Most likely they’ll get spooked and accelerate themselves, and subsequently move into the slow lane where they should have been in the first place.
As a kid, I always wanted an extendable, rigid, grab-arm on the front of my car that could be used to clamp on to the back of semi-trucks. Basically setting my car up like a flat-tow behind an RV. Then I could throw the car in neutral and get a free ride along the highway. I would then disconnect when I was ready to take back over.
In retrospect, it was basically a Flintstones version of autonomous driving.
I think you should have the oh-shit handle brake for the passenger. Those time when you have the passenger that is doing the air stomp and grabbing the “oh-shit” handle like their life depends on it.
Kind of like my HS driving instructor’s car. Brake pedal on the passenger side! Not that he needed it when *I* was driving. 🙂
Elasticated B-pillar for when there’s someone tall in the back of the car. Admittedly, it may affect torsional rigidity a bit.