Which Is A Less Ridiculous Idea? 1985 Dodge Omni GLH vs 2007 Hummer H3

I could never be accused of featuring good, sensible, reliable vehicles in this column, but there are times when I try to. Or at least, I mean to; I start searching with every intention of choosing something someone might actually want to buy, and then something ridiculous catches my eye, and that notion goes right out the window. I start searching for something even sillier to go with it. And that’s how today’s choices came about.

Yesterday’s choices were fairly sensible, or at least they would have been a hundred thousand miles ago. When you get to a high enough mileage, you expect a certain roughness to a car’s condition, and the Toyota Sequoia we looked at yesterday delivered. Its rival, a Volvo 850 wagon with a five-speed stick, had even more miles, but looked a whole lot cleaner. No wonder it won easily.

It’s an easy choice for the Volvo for me as well. One of my neighbors has an 850 wagon in silver, and I’ve been admiring it every time it goes by. It’s a design that has aged very well. I’d happily drive yesterday’s winner.

All right, are you all ready for some bad ideas? No? Tough. Here they are.

1985 Dodge Omni GLH – $3,500

Engine/drivetrain: Turbocharged 2.2 liter OHC inline 4, five-speed manual, FWD

Location: Mount Clemens, MI

Odometer reading: 94,000 miles

Operational status: Runs and drives well, but suspension needs refreshing

I can’t remember if I’ve told this story here before or not, but here it is anyway: A good buddy of mine had an Omni GLH in high school. He let me drive it a few times. I fell in love with it. He had to sell it after about a year, because the insurance was killing him, and he sold it to That Jackass Who Ruins Everything. You know the type; there’s one in every school. TJWRE proceeded to get drunk and wrap it around a telephone pole, and walked away uninjured, because of course he did. I’ve wanted a GLH of my own ever since, so I could give it the life it deserves.

GLH, of course, stands for “Goes Like Hell,” and while there were certainly faster cars available in 1985, there weren’t many that would make you say “holy crap” and giggle quite the way this one could. It just has no business being as quick as it is, which was kind of the point. And this wasn’t even the fastest version; a year later, Carroll Shelby took the last 500 Omni GLHs and squeezed even more power out of their turbocharged engines, to create the GLHS (“Goes Like Hell, S’More”). This one is “just” a GLH, and thus makes do with a regular 146-horsepower 2.2-liter turbo engine. It runs and drives fine, but it has a little oil leak from the valve cover, and its suspension is tired.

The Omni’s secret weapon was always its front seats; they’re remarkably comfortable for an economy car, and yet hold you in place well enough when the fat sticky tires on the GLH model make their presence known. The driving position is decent, too. The rest of the interior is economy-car-grade plastic, but it works well enough. This one is in decent shape inside, though the seller notes that the fuel gauge doesn’t work, and neither does the sound system.

It has been repainted white, which I don’t remember being a standard GLH color. I only remember black, red, blue, and silver. This one was silver originally, according to the seller. It does have some rust in the lower extremities, but nothing terminal. The hood and front bumper are tweaked a little, which the seller makes no mention of. It looks like it was in a minor accident. It’s not bad, but it’s worth asking about.

2007 Hummer H3 – $3,500

Engine/drivetrain: 3.7 liter DOHC inline 5, four-speed automatic, 4WD

Location: Albuquerque, NM

Odometer reading: unknown; odometer is messed up

Operational status: Runs and drives, but has low compression in one cylinder

Now this is a vehicle I’ve never wanted, though I can understand why some people did. GM’s Hummer line defied all vehicular naming logic by putting larger numbers on successively smaller vehicles. The H1 was a civilian version of the military HMMWV or “Humvee,” the H2 was a full-sized SUV based on the GMT800 truck platform, and this “little” H3 was based on the Chevy Colorado and GMC Canyon, though significantly beefed-up for off-road use.

The seller says this is a four-cylinder, but that’s not correct; the H3 is powered by a five-cylinder engine, which was the optional engine in the Colorado and Canyon. It powers all four wheels through a 4L60-E four-speed automatic. It runs and drives, but it burns a lot of oil; the seller took it to a mechanic who said that one cylinder is low on compression. But it’s obvious from the text of the ad that the seller doesn’t know much about cars, so it’s probably best to do your own diagnostics and find out what’s really going on.

I bet you’re wondering what kind of shape the interior is in. I am, too. The seller declined to include any photos of the inside, but they did include an individual photo of each aftermarket wheel. Check out the ad if you really feel the need to see them.

Outside, it looks–I can’t say “good,” because I think these things are hideous – but clean. The paint on the hood is a little scorched, and the black plastic trim has faded to gray, but it’s presentable. The truck is originally from Colorado, and now resides in New Mexico, so exposure to road salt should have been minimal. I wouldn’t expect to see any rust underneath.

Sure, you could spend $3,500 on a very nice Camry or something. But what fun is that? C’mon, live a little. Take a chance on a scruffy hot hatch from the ’80s, or a mechanically-challenged but flashy SUV. Which one will it be?