Welcome back! Today’s scenario is all about winning a bet. We’ve all shot our mouth off about something sometime and then been forced to back it up. So we’re going to go through a little mental exercise that involves two terrible cars and a matter of pride.
Yesterday, we were looking for something to teach a kid stickshift on, and we checked out a Ford Escort and a Chevy Aveo. Lots of arguments were made both for and against each one, but the consensus seemed to be that either one was fine for the task. The Aveo won, by virtue of being a little newer and therefore marginally safer, and having fewer miles.
I think I agree. If the mileage were equal, I’d feel better about the Escort, but the difference in feel between 200,000 and 300,000 miles is huge. The Aveo just seems like it has more life left in it.
So here’s today’s scenario: You’re three drinks into a nice, long Skype-and-bourbon conversation with an old friend who lives on the other side of the country. The talk turns to crappy old cars, a topic you’re both more than a little familiar with. You’ve recently moved to the West Coast, and he wants to know if the cheap car market is really as good as it seems.
“Oh yeah!” you say. “As long as you’re talking just basic transportation, you can find a lot of good, cheap deals out here. And they don’t rust! Why, I bet I could buy a car tomorrow for like fifteen hundred bucks, drive it to your place, and sell it for a profit, just because there’s no rust on it.”
Your friend takes a thoughtful sip of his drink and swallows slowly. “You’re on.”
“What?”
“You’re on. Buy a car for $1,500 or less tomorrow, drive it here, and we’ll see if we can sell it for more than you paid for it.”
“What do I get if I win?” you ask.
He thinks for a second. “My undying respect,” he says finally, “and the rest of this bottle … but no Toyotas or Hondas. That’s too easy.”
You text him back in the morning to confirm that you’re actually going through with this, and start shopping. You find a whole lot of nothing; all the cheap cars seem to have dried up just when you need one. But these two ads jump out at you, and you think maybe one of them is up to the challenge.
1999 Mercury Sable LS – $1,299
Engine/drivetrain: 3.0-liter OHV V6, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Odometer reading: 192,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
“Not a pretty car,” this ad states, and that, at least, is a fact. The “catfish” generation Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable were never attractive cars to begin with, but someone has seen fit to equip this one with a landau top. Not only that, but it’s not like the landau top on a Town Car or something, that starts at the B pillar. No, this one starts in the middle of the rear door glass. It’s like a toupee with a built-in receding hairline. I’ve never seen anything quite like it, and I hope never to again.
Unattractive as it may be on the outside, the Sable has a lot going for it as a cheap, reliable car. The Vulcan V6, which I’m presuming this car has based on the lack of a “DOHC 24V” badge on the front fender, is a solid piece, and while Ford’s automatic transmission game hasn’t always been the strongest, these seem to hold up all right if you keep clean fluid in them. This one has 192,000 miles on it, enough to shake the bugs out, but not so many that it should feel worn-out. The seller says it runs smoothly and quietly, and it even has current tags.
We don’t get a very good view of the interior in the ad. This is about as good as it gets. It has a cheap steering wheel cover on it, and some garbage in the passenger footwell – not encouraging signs, but I guess you’d have to see it in person to determine whether or not you’re willing to spend a few days driving across the country in it. There’s no word on the status of the air conditioning; that might be a deciding factor.
Apart from that spectacularly ugly roof treatment, it does have a few issues outside. The trunk lock is missing, as is one hubcap, and the right rear window looks like it might be off-track. The clearcoat on the hood is in sorry shape, too. But it is rust-free, so it fits the brief.
2006 Nissan Altima 2.5 S – $1,200
Engine/drivetrain: 2.5-liter DOHC inline 4, four-speed automatic, FWD
Location: San Gabriel, CA
Odometer reading: 149,000 miles
Operational status: Runs and drives well
As far as I can tell, every third-generation Nissan Altima on the road was purchased secondhand. They were never actually new cars. It’s like they sprang into being sometime around 2010, spawning from the ground on buy-here-pay-here lots, complete with balding tires, aftermarket stereos, and at least one scuff on the bumper. And yet, they seem to reach a certain state of decay and just stay there, racking up the miles and refusing to die. This one has a long way to go before it reaches that final stage; other than a mismatched hood, it’s almost too nice.
Underneath that taupe hood is Nissan’s QR25DE four-cylinder engine and a four-speed automatic, the quintessential “Altima going 90 MPH down the freeway” drivetrain. Earlier versions had some problems with oil burning, but by 2006, it had been pretty well sorted out, and this one should be reliable. There is one bit of weirdness in the ad, however; they say it passed a smog test, but then claim that the catalytic converter is going bad. Those two would seem to be mutually exclusive; if it passed the test, the cat should be fine, right? The seller also seems to think that using premium fuel will help alleviate the cat issues, which, of course, it won’t. Nissan specs regular 87 octane unleaded in it; there’s no reason to use anything else.
The interior in it doesn’t look too bad, actually. It’s in good condition, not ripped or stained, and I don’t even see any air fresheners dangling from anything, a telltale sign that a car might be stinky inside. The seller does note that everything works inside, including the air conditioning – which, on a car this cheap, is a massive score.
Apart from the hood, it doesn’t look too bad outside either. There is some clearcoat peeling, and a few scuffs and scrapes, but those just serve as a warning to other drivers to give you a wide berth. In the interest of full disclosure, this is not a California car – it came from Colorado. But although they get a lot of snow, Colorado doesn’t typically salt the roads, so it shouldn’t be rusty underneath.
Typically, if you buy a car this cheap, you’re just hoping it starts the next morning. For the purposes of this exercise, however, I’m asking you to go further and put a couple or three thousand miles on it, exactly as it sits. According to the sellers, both cars run and drive just fine at the moment, but which one do you think will keep doing so for long enough to win the bet?
That landau top is so nasty, gotta go with the Big Altima Energy
I don’t like either iteration of these, but I would take the Nissan and buy a headlight treatment kit if getting across the country in a certain amount of time involved driving at night.
Even though this could get me excommunicated from the Holy Church. of Toyota, it’s a vote for the NISSAN today, despite my revulsion for it. This model is like a Japanese cockroach, they are everywhere, and when I see one running down the road, it usually has at least 2 of the donut spares installed. This one appears to have plenty of mayhem left in it.
The other thing made my head hurt for many reasons. But that roof sealed the deal from the start.
I worship down the road from you at the Greek Orthodox Church of Honda, although if I had to pick a new church, I might end up sitting next to you in a pew.
My first car was a Datsun 510 and a recent rental experience (good grief! More than 50 years later) with a Nissan Sentra left me pretty surprised and even impressed.
Generally, I trust Japanese stuff more, and man(!) that roof on the Sable!! And the only cool Sables are the ones with the translucent light bar all the way across the grille.
And dang! My V6 Accord is rated with better fuel economy than that Altima.
There’s just no getting past that nasty landau on the Sable. For this exercise, fixing up the Altima enough for a flip will be easier and faster.
On a side note, I didn’t realize how similar the interiors of this generation grandparent cars were. My first instinct was that interior looked like an Oldsmobile Alero.
Altima for me in spite of the “Catalytic converter is not health (premium gas suggested)” issue.
I’m gonna assume it will need a pair of O2 sensors and a new catalytic converter.
But the Altima of that gen is a better vehicle than the Sable of that generation.
Okay, but now that the idea seed has been planted you realize we all want the Autopian to actually attempt this, right? Two teams in cheap SoCal cars cross country from Galpin to SWG’s lair and turn a profit…
The Ovalrus might be an absolutely hideous vehicle, they are also EXCELLENT highway cruisers, I bet especially so in Mercury guise. My work has a ’96 in the fleet, it is by far the most comfortable car we have. I take it over the modern (2013+) Escapes and the Explorers any day.
That was my guess, and vote. A rattle-can of vinyl dye might make the landau top look more Grecian Formula than bad toupee.
I voted for the Sable. It is ugly, but that might be a good thing. A car has to be cheap for a reason. If I’m buying a cheap car, I want that reason to be aesthetic and not mechanical.
Also, the Altima scares me. It is sold at a buy here pay here lot that thinks premium fuel will fix a bad catalytic converter. If you think premium fuel fixes a bad catalytic converter, you don’t know much about cars. If you don’t know much about cars, you are unlikely to find the good cars at a dealer auction and you are likely to take trade ins with major flaws.
Plus, dealer vs private sale matters a lot here. The Sable is being sold by someone who doesn’t need to make a profit. The seller of the Altima needs to make money – seller presumably paid far less than $1,200 for this car. In effect, this is a $1300 ugly Mercury vs a decent looking, moderate mileage $800 Altima. Something had to have been very wrong for the Altima to be that cheap.
Mark, you are being cruel to our cvt friend. You find us an altima without one, and it is winning. This goes on Jatco Xtronic may blow up… which would be completely normal
This is another challenge where the premise dictates the outcome. The Sable is the better deal, and I might even fix it up a little while driving it. But the challenge is to flip the car, and the Nissan is going to move.
Love the final line on the BHPH dealer Altima ad:
WE FIRST COME FIRST SERVED.
Like others, Nissan because selling the Sable on the other end would be nearly impossible. I also loath the Vulcan V6 based on past experiences with it, so that doesn’t help the Sable either. The Nissan drive train isn’t without issues either, but I think the odds of finding a buyer willing to put up with the mismatched hood is infinitely higher than finding someone who doesn’t vomit at the sight of the (formerly) vinyl roof on the Mercury.
Sable. It’s had less trauma.
As an LA car, it should still have its rocker panels.
Vulcan/AX4 is a fine combo.
Gotta polish the headlights, though. And put in some Hi-Liters or something with a relay. That shit will be miserable at night.
AND: pick up a copy of “Car” by Mary Walton to read during your time with the car. It explains how it came to be. Fascinating story.
Sable is so ugly, I could abandon it with the keys in the ignition in SW Atlanta & no one would steal it.
I’ll echo what Shop-Teacher said, no one is going to buy that Sable with that horrendous top on there, so even though it’s the car I would have rather driven, I still voted Altima.
Having had one of those Altimas with the cursed QR25DE that ate head gaskets like candy, the only place I’d drive one of those heaps is to the crusher.
Only one deserves to live on as a warning: never build a car this crappy again.
Anyone not voting for the Mercury is off their rocker.
Mercury is ugly, but way more reliable transportation.
head gasket sealer has entered the chat 😉
maybe to limp the Altima to the junkyard to TOSS IT IN THE CRUSHER
The newer head gasket sealers actually work! Bars Leaks HG-1 and Blue Devil Pour-N-Go are also good. There are many videos on YT of them being used successfully
ChrisFix has a good video on head gasket sealers
This does not absolve the Altima of its sins. The car itself was also a bland, floppy heap of suck. (Also, a car should not need head gasket sealant to run!!!)
Toss! It! In! The! CRUSHER!!!!!
While the Sable would definitely be the more comfortable car, if the AC works and more likely to make it there w/o trouble, the Altima will be a much quicker sell if it arrives. However that Cat going bad and the fact that the one tire that we have a close up of is of the Ulintec means I’d have to go with the Sable and get there.
I’d rather take the bus.
Congrats sir, you got me to vote for an Altima. Here in CO they “salt” in the form of magnesium chloride, which can mess with cars, but it’s really dry here and you don’t see the biblical rust damage typical of Midwest cars. The cat thing is weird, but just keep it on temp tags (most Altimas are anyway) and sell it somewhere they don’t smog test back east. Done deal; I like my bourbon neat.
For the purposes of the hypothetical selling for a profit on the other end, the Altima is the only choice here. That awful roof makes the Sable virtually unsellable, let alone at a profit. Plus, the c-pillars and rear window channels are guaranteed to be rusted out, because that’s what cloth roofs do.
This would be the perfect thing for my buddy and I to buy both cars, pull straws to see who drives what, and then race across the country to see who makes it first (or at all).
I hope I’d pull the Altima.
I had an Altima as a rental car while my car was having body work done. It was a penalty box with uncomfortable seats and a distinct lack of power. That being said, that Sable is too butt ugly to drive anywhere. It hurts my eyes.
Yeah but nobody will steal it.
Depends. Do I want to make the whole trip at the speed limit in the left lane with a blinker on? Or do I want to touch every lane, every mile, without ever using a blinker? I went for the Sable, probably comfier, and I wouldn’t care what I sell it for by the end of the trip.
I think either car would get you across the country for the price of gas and you would be able to sell them and recoup your initial investment $1,200 is still a cheap car, but maybe the Altima is worth a bit more.
I think I would have woken up in the morning and laughed off the challenge as an interesting thought exercise, but something best left tested by someone else.
Neither…..but I suppose the Altima has a better chance of making it there. And the cockroach status of them make that car more likely to sell for a slim profit….maybe. the Sable is probably more comfortable, and it might make it, but with over 200K on the clock once it gets there? I doubt it will sell for much more than it did in Cali.